How do I deal with too many gifts from Grandmother?

[fly-mom]

My mom does this every year, and it's just getting worse. She gets so many gifts for my dd, and now ds (who is only 3 months). I've tried asking her nicely to scale it back. I've tried suggesting she put money in their college/savings funds. I've tried suggesting that she put her money towards her retirement. She gets downright nasty with me and says she will spend her money however she wants. I'm starting to get nasty back to her, and I know that sounds ungrateful, but I'm really irritated.

I guess I could donate some of the toys, but it's hard when dd opens them and likes them. I've taken some of the clothes to consignment shops after dd outgrows them (then I get b!tched at because I didn't get enough money for them). I will be taking many of the toys to the consignment shop when they are outgrown by both kids.

It's just wearing me down. My mom always gets all this stuff for us and the kids and then seems disappointed when she doesn't get that much in return or we aren't appreciative enough... I don't know if that's exactly it, or if it's just a post-holiday letdown or something, but she always seems sort of bummed after the holidays.

The main thing is I don't like what it's teaching dd. She already can't play with all the toys she has. All she has to do is mention something and my mom goes out and gets it for her. It's insane.

I can't think of any more ways to get this across to her. Any ideas?

[saraann]

I don't think there is anything you can do about the amount of toys grandma gets the kids. Maybe for every new toy they get, they can pick an old one to give to another child who may not have as much. That way they can feel good about giving to others and you won't have a huge increase in toys.

I hear you about this, it's hard. Christmas has become such a crazy holiday, all about "stuff". It's my least favorite time of year.

[Yooper]

I had to get a little harsh with my mom. Dd is the only grandchild and niece on both sides. She gets showered. Just with everyone getting her one gift each, we are talking 20+ presents. If the grandma's add another 10+ each (which is what my mom was doing) then there was no way we could even bring them all home let alone store them in our small house. Dh dealt with his mom. I told mine that she is allowed to get dd two gifts total. And if either is larger than a baby stroller, she needs to clear it with me. I had to add the last part after she tried to buy dd an indoor play gym two years ago. The thing had a foot print that was larger than all but one room in my entire house. It sounds harsh, ungrateful, and rude (all of which is technically true) but it had to be done. I still let her go nuts buying the plastic, battery eating, character-based crap that I hate and dd usually ignores so I figure it is a "compromise".

[NYCVeg]

Do we have the same mom? We live in a teeny one-bedroom apartment, and we are FLOODED with stuff. We've tried a lot of things. We asked everyone to go easy on the gifts and that didn't help at all. SIL is so mad about the niblet that she brings her several gifts EVERY SINGLE TIME she sees her (once a month or so). My mom is by far the worst though. We've started asking for a specific "big ticket" item (like a play rug this holiday season) for holidays in the hopes that buying one big thing will satisfy her urge to buy. Nope.

She also buys crazily expensive, fancy clothing--stuff that we don't particularly love (we're just not fancy people) and don't have occasions for. When I tell my mom this, she says, "Oh, you don't need an occasion." Right. Like I'm going to dress my dd in some fussy, $200 dollar dress so she can roll around on the floor. She also doesn't understand that the very idea of a $200 dress for a 6 mo is horrifying to us.

What bothers me the most is that I feel like it in some ways pre-empts our role, as parents, to do special things for our dd. We will never be able to compete with my parents where money is concerned--and I just feel that if EVERYTHING is extravagent, excessive, and "special", then nothing is really special. I'm VERY concerned about what will happen when she's older--as you say, I don't want her to learn that excess is to be expected (particularly when I find it ethically problematic).

We do give a lot of stuff away. Since your dd is older, you might also try asking for experiences--i.e., theater tickets for dd and grandma, high tea with grandma, doing whatever fun thing your dd would like to do.

Oh, and I've mentioned the college fund, too (because we could really use it). My mom also poo-poohs this: "she won't remember that her grandma gave her $200 for her college fund." I'm not sure why she thinks dd will remember that grandma gave her x toy or y dress either. Spending time with grandma would seem to be far more important, to me.

[claras_mom]

Originally Posted by fly-mom

It's just wearing me down. My mom always gets all this stuff for us and the kids and then seems disappointed when she doesn't get that much in return or we aren't appreciative enough... I don't know if that's exactly it, or if it's just a post-holiday letdown or something, but she always seems sort of bummed after the holidays.

Not as OT as it might at first seem....what else does your mom do with her time? Is your dad still around? Could this be a form of "retail therapy?"

[moms3kids]

my inlaws do this as well, usally i will take back 4 toys for the kids each and usally they don't miss them b/c they still have twice that at home to ocupie them, i take the things back and usally get store credit and buy our grochries for the month! mil never knows they are gone b/c they have so much anywhwere you woudl never know! LOL

[mija]

Could you ask for memberships to children's museums, zoos, etc (at least those benefit a non profit) or possibly lessons like swimming or gymnastics? I don't know what to do about the gift flood... I'm grateful my children are loved and well provided for, but I've been known to return gigantic novelty stuffed animals before the kids even see them.

[Sagesgirl]

How about practicing a little gratitude? My kids are lucky to get anything from their grandparents, ever, and the rare times they do it's usually stuff my FIL scrounged from someone's trash. (No, they're not that poor, he's just decided to spend his retirement trash-picking.) Or my mother-in-law decides to pass along ancient, inappropriate costume jewelry. My mother decided year before last that instead of getting my girls anything for Christmas because she didn't have enough money...and then was sure to call me up Christmas Day to tell me all about the Christmas gifts she'd instead gotten for the kids who lived next door (now, I realize she gets to spend her money as she pleases, it sucks to have done it quite the way she did).

So realize how "poor me, Granma is too generous" sounds to those of us whose children are routinely ignored. Be thankful she loves your daughter and wants to get her things, and quietly donate or otherwise give away what you can't/won't use. Or, I know, you can put the stuff in a closet and donate it to MDC's holiday helpers next year.

[azzuranotte]

I casually mentioned to mil that I had to go through the kids' toys and get rid of some to make room for whatever Christmas will bring. She then told me she was going to walmart to do some more holiday shopping. Fil then reminded her no to go crazy because for everything the kids got I was getting rid of something they already had.

NYCveg: I just want to tell you not to worry to much about the effect on your kids. My grandparents were the same way and for my sisters and I the stuff never meant much, because our Mom instilled in us that it's not about what you get. It's the thought behind it. I always appreciated the small gift from my other grandfather more, because it came from the heart and wasn't an attempt to buy my love. Not saying this is what they're doing. Just my personal experience.

I would like to second the asking for experiences. They can be big ticket items and usually there is something they can buy to go with it that can be wrapped and opened. Gymnastic lessons can be accompanied by a leotard. You know what I mean.

[fly-mom]

Thanks for the ideas. Like a pp mentioned, I do also feel that it pre-empts my ability to get stuff for my daughter. I have gotten her 3 small things for the holidays, which I think is entirely reasonable, but I might like to get her some other things, but grandmother already has gotten them, or better. It also does raise the expectations of my daughter. She is 3 now, and is really starting to get the gift idea. Whenever I tell her that her grandmother is coming she say's something like "I have to tell her to bring me a present". I just hate that. Hate it!

One of the issues is that my mother does not really need to be spending this money. She has only just recently starting a savings fund for retirement, and she is in her late 50's. That just scares me. She also 'requires' my dad to pay for all essential things (mortgage, car, groceries, etc...). I don't know exactly how they came to this arrangement, or why my dad puts up with it, but it puts a big financial burden on him, when he is the one soley responsible for their retirement, and survival. But, that's their issue, not mine I guess.

She is a school teacher, to answer a pp's question. I do feel like there is some kind of void in her life that she is trying to fill. She grew up fairly low income, and is very competitive in the gift giving arena. Her sister is very wealthy, and I think my mom feels that she has to keep up. We also live about 6 hours from her, so I think part of this is to make up for not being around as much as she wants to be.

I have tried suggesting other things besides gifts. For example, I asked her to pay for dd's little dance lessons as a Christmas gift. Well, she does that AND buys all the presents she would have anyway. LOL!

To the last poster. I am sorry. I knew that I would get some responses like that, because it has to seem very ungrateful of me. I do sound like "poor me", and I'm sure that is infuriating to some here who don't have enough. I do appreciate that my parents love my daughter and want to spend time with her and give her things. Believe me I appreciate it beyond words. I would be so incredibly sad if they didnt'. My family is so important to me. And that is indeed one of the reasons I'd rather not have the idea instilled in my daughter that grandmother = presents, and presents, and presents.

We do donate a lot of stuff, but not much of the kid stuff yet since I have a new baby and he will play with some of the baby stuff.

[fly-mom]

Oh, I also wanted to say... she keeps up with the stuff she gives too. So quietly donating it is not usually possible. She will ask me where such and such is. If I tell her I donated it she gets MAD and her feelings get hurt. I do it anyway, but it results in hurt feelings. If I sell at a consignment shop (there is a really good one here that doesn't mark things way up for sale, like some do), then she gets mad because I only got $60 for a pile of clothes, and I could have saved them in case my unmarried sister ever gets married and/or has a little girl, or I could have sold them for more somehow, or something.

For those that want to slam me for selling clothes rather than donating... I just recently quit my job to SAH, and we can use the money. Just to explain.

[Jilian]

My mother used to get so much junk for my DS and it was really getting out of control. We had no room for the toys. I let her know that if she wanted to continue to buy him that many things, the toys would either have to stay at her house (for when he comes over to play) or some of them were getting donated. I really did donate some of them too. She was a little upset but she scaled back the nect year.

I just can't buy into the whole consumerism of Christmas and I don't want my son getting caught up in it either. It was nice for him to see toys being donated to less fortunate families. I don't think it's rude or ungrateful, we honestly had NO ROOM for all of these things, so some things had to go. I'd rather see them be put to good use.

[swampwitch]

Originally Posted by NYCVeg

Oh, and I've mentioned the college fund, too (because we could really use it). My mom also poo-poohs this: "she won't remember that her grandma gave her $200 for her college fund." I'm not sure why she thinks dd will remember that grandma gave her x toy or y dress either. Spending time with grandma would seem to be far more important, to me.

Some $ my grandmother gave towards my college fund bought my first computer, with which I started college. So I'd say that, yes, dc WILL remember that grandma gave them $ for their education. What I DON'T remember are any toys or trinkets they gave me.

[fly-mom]

Yes, about the remembering gp's for savings! My grandfather bought stock shares in his company for all of his grandkids, and you'd better believe I remembered him for it when I cashed those stocks in a few years ago. They really saved our a$$es! With a little extra left over I bought a computer for my school, and told them it was from the 'grandfather's name' education grant. I remind my mom of that when I talk to her about college savings, but it doesn't seem to make an impression.

[MommaCrystal]

We have it both ways around here. MY family, particularly my mother, goes OUT OF CONTROL with the gifts! I can't stand it! Particularly when she gets things she knows I don't want him to have/don't have room for. I feel undermined and disrespected.

For his birthday last month she spent HUNDREDS in presents! Bought the most abnoxious things. Even after I asked her not to. OR she'll go out and buy the exact thing I was going to buy. In the end I feel like I can't buy anything for him because either someone else did, or I just can't do it because we don't have the room. That really makes me feel horrible.

My IL's buy him next to nothing sometimes and nothing at all other times.

Guess who's gifts I appreciate much better! The IL's.

[Thalia the Muse]

My mother decided year before last that instead of getting my girls anything for Christmas because she didn't have enough money...and then was sure to call me up Christmas Day to tell me all about the Christmas gifts she'd instead gotten for the kids who lived next door

Ouch! I'm sorry; what a hurtful thing to do.

[miss_sonja]

This is a tough one. I had 'the talk' with my mom and she was very hurt and frustrated. But I wasn't sure what else to do! The gifts were overwhelming and just so much plain old junk. Very frustrating. Mostly, though, she doesn't keep track of what she's given.

I had to make a conscious decision to accept her generosity with gratitude and donate or return what didn't work for our family. I've been try try trying to do that the past year or so, sending thank you notes and all that when she sends or gives gifts.

My ILs give gifts as well, but they're much more restrained and we do express gratitude for that.

For my mom, a lot of it is indeed retail therapy--she has some discretionary income and she likes to shop. It's not threatening her retirement (she's already retired and lives on a pension) and she never actually overspends.

There are really not a lot of good options when the grandparent won't budge or insists on hurt feelings. But remember that you are the one who will instill values in your kids--that's the message they'll really remember.

[RiverSky]

Since you probably can't stop your Mom from buying things for your children, perhaps the trick will be to redirect how she does it. For instance, make some wish lists on for bigger, better items, even organizational things, like a dollhouse bookcase. Suggest that one wooden doll house or one train table or one gorgeous bookcase will last far longer and be remembered much more fondly than a pile of toys that will be outgrown so quickly. Or ask for books instead of toys. I also love the idea the PP suggested regarding asking for memberships to local attractions, brilliant!!

My mother, who lives far away, has gotten in the habit of sending Amazon gifts or gift certificates. This year, I made Hearthsong and Magic Cabin wish lists and send her the username and password, so she could look at our list and decide whether she might prefer to choose from there. I don't have the problem of her buying too much, so I chose a large assortment of less expensive and more expensive things and let her decide. You could perhaps choose more expensive things and just a couple of them, suggesting that one large item would be much preferable to 20 small ones.

Good luck!

[philomom]

Hmm, I must be a huge pain in the rear because I feel like and have said
"play by my rules or don't see your grandchild"!


Use some backbone. Three years old is prime values making time for kids, and your dd will catch on very soon to who will give her what she wants and you will forever play the role of the "mean mommy" in her life. "Grandma wanted to give me so and so but mommy won't let her." Is this what you really want? Better to have it out with your mom now before this goes any farther.

[wife&mommy]

I haven't had to do this yet but I agree with philomom.