Saying "No"

[DancerMom]

I know a lot of you try not to say no to your children unless absolutely necessary. I am aware of most of the reasons behind this, but find myself questioning if it's really that big a deal. I have two questions about this.

1) Do you say "No thank you" or is that kind of a "no" out also? How about a prefacing "no" to an explanation, as in "No, don't put your toys in the dog's food bowl."?

2) Do you think the word itself matters more or the tone? For instance, I might use no all the time in the course of conversation, but a very strong forceful "NO!" when I catch dd pulling a cord out of the wall, or later, when she's about to run into the street, or whatever safety issue it might be for you. My contention is that my child will recognize by the tone of my voice that there is a reason to listen to me immediately.

I try to watch myself to see if I'm saying no for a valid reason or not, so that I don't use it if I don't mean it, or if I'm not going to follow through. But I guess I just don't see the big deal in using a word like "no" in moderation. What's your take?

Also, are there any other words you hate to use and why?

[Dragon]

I'm with you - I don't have a problem with no if it's used in moderation. I try to set up my child's environment so she doesn't have to encounter no too often, but - well, children have a way of finding the NO in every situation, KWIM? :

My daughter is 2 3/4 and doesn't appear to have been permanently damaged by hearing the word no on a daily basis. From an early age she knew the difference between Mommy's regular tone of voice - "No, I really would prefer you did not dump all the cat's food into her water dish" and Mommy's pay attention NOW voice - "NO! You will get hurt if you jump off your change table!"

[BathrobeGoddess]

I say no to direct questions dd asks. Like if she asks "can I get this werewolf movie?" I will say "no, it is to scary." To actions I often say "you may not..." Like instead of saying "no, stop jumping on the couch" I say "you may not jump on the couch" I learned this from her waldorf pre-k teacher. I have found that it works really well because I feel like it makes the rules more clear and opens up dialoge. I have used this since dd was 3 and she is now 8.

[teachma]

I like the phrase "You may not..." Perhaps I'll give it a try. I have been pretty good about staying away from "no." I say things like, "You might get hurt if you climb on that table," or "You'll break mommy's necklace if you pull on it." I assume the "no" is implicit and he doesn't need to hear that word all the time.

[MamaJosie]

I feel that it is sometimes neccessary....

I have a friend who I actually told about the whole AP thing and now she is almost what I would call militantly AP. Well I guess that is a contradiction but she has a moms group in her home and told them all "we never say no or dont to our children and will not allow it in our home" But her oldest is not even two and so she may have to revise that some time soon! I understand the point of using words like "Be Gentle" if a toddler is being too rough with a cat for example instead of saying "Don't grab the cat!" I even read somewhere once that toddlers really mainly hear the action words in any sentence so they wont here the dont and all they get is "GRAB THE CAT!" so it is better to say "let's be gentle" "pet the cat softly" and show them how and use positive ACTION words and not negative words. But sometimes I think No is warranted. But still if you can get in the habit of trying other words there are many alternatives. Even a kid going toward a hot BBQ grill you could say "STOP" and not no or dont. If jumping on the couch you could say "sit" or please sit on the couch or you will have to get down. Maybe sometimes I am just lazy about it but I guess I feel limits and boundaries are a necc. part of life but we dont have to cut someones self esteem down by negativity either. From my childhood I remember tone of voice mattering as much or more than the words. So for ME, "no" in and of itself isnt an evil wrong thing to say to your child but if you do it all the time it could erode self esteem, not be very effective and I think some parents dont know how to pick battles or say YES as often as they could and are a bit too controlling.

[lucina3]

I have always *tried* to save "no" for the biggies (aka safety) and it works til I get tired by the end of the day... I need to work on that. I really prefer letting them know what I want rather than what I don't want, but it doesn't always come out of my mouth.

When my girls ask for things or want to do something my favourite line with my girls (that works now that they are older) is "If you want an answer now it's no, if you give me time to think it's maybe" That way I don't say "no" and then have to change my "no" once I've thought about it.

[gretasmommy]

I try and use the phrase "That's not for Greta." It is difficult to not say "no", as it seems to flow from my mouth easily! I agree that reserving "No!" in a serious voice for those occasions where DD's safety is involved makes it more effective. She is 13 months old now, and I am just beginning to need to tell her "not for Greta" more often. I try and get her attention visually, and sign "no" as I say "not for G". I hope that eventually I will just need to sign quietly as she gets older. I'll let you all know if this works!

As a new mom, I find myself already taking back some of the "I'll never do _______!" with G. It's easy to say what you will and won't do while your child is still little and not getting around as much! Walk a mile in someone's shoes first, my pop used to say . . . . .

Andrea
mommy to Greta 3/14/02

[Mom2Three]

"You may not" or "We don't" is a big one in our house, with NO being saved for safety.

[bestjob]

We are far from perfect, but we try to say something positive. I would say, "Cords stay in the wall for safety" along with removing the cord from the child's hand and replugging the cord, then moving the child to a safe distance away from the difficulty. I might even show how the lamp (or whatever) could fall off the table and "go bang" and then tell the child that we would all be sad if that happened.

Some, although not all, children delight in going aroung a room, doing a lot of things that get a "no" and watching an adult get more and more flustered. Whether attention is good or bad, they don't care, and if they are caught in a power struggle with an adult, they might enjoy watching the adult's response. By concentrating on positive reactions, you really reduce the potential for power struggles.

On the other hand, we still often say "no"... and we don't feel guilty about it.