I've had enough...

[CMcC]

I've had enough. I don't want to do this anymore....

This is usually what I've been saying at the end of the day. I'm so exhausted, angry, frustrated and stressed out I don't like myself. I don't like the mother I have become and my kids were suppose to be polite little angels..... But there is just too much yelling, back talking, whining, throwing fits, arguing, and just plain being mean in my house.

After about an hour of mommy quiet time and/or shower time.... I'm ready to face the masses again... for a little while. It just seems to be a never ending thing around my house, though.

Let me explain: My sons are 7 and 5, and my daughter just turned 2. My 7 year old seems to be spiraling out of control these last several weeks. So much that today they threatened him with Saturday school. (His bad behavior is also at home.) Thankfully my 5 year old has turned into a fairly pleasant child to be around since my 7 year old started acting like this. And of course, my 2 year old is a 2 year old. Been there, done that.

My boys have ALWAYS fought. My oldest Son never liked my younger Son when I brought him home from the hospital. It's always been a battle and a competition for my oldest. But if you get either son playing with my daughter.... they are great! It's just my 2 boys... they bring the worst out in each other. My oldest is also VERY bossy, "always right", very argumenitive and has no respect for me (a bit more for DH and could be better towards the teachers....) It's like he has no self control. If I do not constantly watch every little move, he thinks he can get away with it! Even when we are in the same room and I catch him doing something he shouldn't be doing....deny deny deny! Consequences mean nothing to him. What do I do? I've taken about everything away. Talking to him is as useful as talking to a rock. Putting him in the corner is a joke. I usually give him extra chores to do as punishment, that doesn't seem to help any. At the moment, we've implemented a- come home from school, sit down, be quiet, and write sentences- until next week/ or behavior improves. Today was day 3 of that...and he still got in trouble. He even back talked me infront of his teacher and she quickly corrected him.

I've thought at times maybe I was being too harsh, or maybe I wasn't following through enough with discipline.... I've tried reading the book from William Sears about discipline.... I know I should be "building him up" instead of "tearing him down". But at this point, how do I do that? It's not enjoyable to be around him anymore. (I know this sounds terriable! But it's like when you've tried everything and then some with a crying baby....and all you want to do is eat a hot meal and get a nap....it's very frustrating.) Of course I love him more than anything, but I don't like him very much right now. I just need and want a little peace, cooperation, and respect around here. Anyone have a suggestion?

[chaoticzenmom]

ah, I didn't get much out of that Sears book....Sorry to say. I did get tons of information from 2 other books that could probably help you as well.

"How to Talk so Kids Can Learn" and "Siblings without Rivalry" both were amazing eye openers for me.

It sounds like your son has something going on that is making him feel angry and invalidated.

I know my son, who is almost 7, is much quicker to anger lately. He walks around and kicks stuff when he's mad and tries to get a rise out of me. I try to say "I know you're mad because.... and I would be mad too, but we can't break stuff when we're mad."

I think that sitting your son down to write is setting him up to hate writing in the future. I wouldn't punish him with something that I hope he will someday hope to enjoy or at least be able to tolerate. Maybe he just needs his anger validated...find out what he's mad about and let him be mad or help him figure out how to deal with whatever it is.

That's all I've got for now. I know you'll get lots of great advice though
Lisa (mom to 3 wonderful children)

[oliversmum2000]

wow - i do realy feel for you, and i do understand. my 6yo goes through phases of anger and non-cooperation like this. and i really understand the whole loving but not particularly liking right now.

then we get caught up in the whole spiral of negativity, as you (understandably) feel somewhat negative and this impacts on their behaviour further.

sometimes it helps for ds and i to stop and just try to find something positive that we can share, or look forward to together. hard when you feel like you just want to escape from them though.

but trying to organise some 1 on 1 time does sometimes help, like putting the younger ones to bed and playing cards with him, letting him do a couple of things as he is older, like doing things with dh and i after the younger ones are in bed.

it does sound like he has a lot of frustration issues and isnt feeling that great about himself right now. maybe you could ask him to write you a letter to tell you how he feels, what makes him happy and what makes him sad to get some insight.

huge

i will have a 7yo and 5yo ds's and a 2yo dd in about 18 months so i am sure i will be tearing my hair out even more than i currently do when i reach that point.

[mamaduck]

I agree about 1:1 time to reconnect. Plan something nice to do with the 7 yo. alone. Perhaps a museum trip, or a meal at a resteraunt. Something that allows you time to talk and connect. Be very careful not to bring up his negative behaviors during this time. JUST relax and try to enjoy his company.

When you are connected to a child emotionally, it is easier to teach discipline. The channels of communication are open, and you have a better idea what is going to work with your kid. You can get into his head more easily.

Some of the know-it-all, back talking stuff is part of the deal with an oldest child. We are working on that lately with our 10 year old too. One new strategy for us, that has been very helpful, is starting a special journal for him. It is all full of mistakes that adults in his life make, that he resists the temptation to "correct" verbally. i.e. -- if his teacher mispeaks, or spells something wrong on the board, or I tell a story with minor errors.... if he manages to bite his tounge and listen politely without correcting or interupting, then he can write it in his journal later! (Its a pretty interesting book.)

I cannot imagine that having him sit quietly and write sentences after school is helpful. When does he get to blow off steam? When does he get to exert energy, be loud, and move around? Those things will come out, and his frustrations, in one way or another. The more time he is required to sit still and shut up, the more likely it is that he is going to act out.

[angela&avery]

Is this his first year of school full days? My 5 year old just started full day K this year, and he has a much better attitude when he gets his outside time at home. We try to get out as much as we can and he is more content. All day is a lot of sitting for some kids. If its not his first year of it, maybe its more intense this year, more learning? I would talk about doing an IEP for him where he can have some energy releasing time built into his day at school (not sure if they have to be "diagnosed" with a disorder to have an iep).. my friends son had one and they built in extra physical time for him during his day..

[Magella]

I agree with those who've suggested making the effort to reconnect. I have a child (also 7) who is very challenging. She has some periods where her behavior is extremely stressful and very unmanageable. We can get into some very negative cycles here, despite trying not to do that. It helps us so much to make that effort to connect and to view her in a more positive way.

Thing is, when she's behaving like that she's miserable herself. I don't think any kid who has the skills to do better would choose to engage in behaviors that make her so miserable. Who wants to be miserable? And who isn't miserable when they're doing things that have everyone around them angry and miserable? And I think whatever pain it is that she's feeling causes her to lose, to some extent, any ability she has to do better. Then when we focus so much on those negative behaviors, she gets discouraged which adds to her misery and leads to more of those unwanted behaviors. We've all been there, so stressed or upset that we've done or said things we wouldn't say or do if our emotional/mental resources weren't so depleted. So when my dd's having a hard time, it helps me a lot to remember this. She's a kid having a difficult time and difficult feelings.

It helps also to not just make time for 1:1 time, but to consciously make the effort to see the positive in her every day, multiple times a day. To think about all the things that are so great about her, especially when she's in the midst of horrible behavior. It's so easy to get fixated on the negative. But what you focus on, you get more of. So it's helpful to focus on the positive. And it's very helpful to make comments to her about the positives, what I enjoy about her, what I like doing with her, what she's done or said that I appreciate, etc. She needs to hear that. It helps to physically connect, too. I know that when things are bad I have a tendency to hug her less and touch her less. I've found that reminding myself to go put a hand on her shoulder or hug her or stroke her hair, and to look into her eyes and tell her I love her, helps us connect.

And I do think that connection is one of the biggest keys to discipline. It's all easier when our connection is strong. Not easy, easIER.

So my suggestion is to let so much of it go (I know you can't let it all go, but I'd bet you could let a lot of it go). Just let it go, and work on rebuilding your connection with your son.

[mamaduck]

Another thing I just thought of... the constant barrage of "consequences" is giving him the daily message that he's a bad kid. Its really hard to behave when that idea is hanging over your head every moment of everyday.

[melanie83103]

Just a quick note to give you some encouragement - I come from a family with 5 kids: 4 girls, 1 boy. Two of my sisters fought ALL THE TIME (they are the closest in age, 2 years apart). I'm sure it drove my mother crazy. BUT, they are so close now - they are like best friends. Just wanted to tell you this so you won't think that your boys will necessarily hate each other forever (and I'm sure they don't really hate each other now).

Hugs! Good luck mama!

Melanie

[CMcC]

Thanks for all the great advice and it's especially wonderful to hear that others go through the "I love you, but I don't like you very much right now" stage.

I was concerned at first about making him write sentences in the beginning.... Like one mama said, I want him to love writing and not to think of it as punishment.... But I had run out of ideas to correct his behavior. Plus, he needs to work on his writing skills anyway. I'll probably have him finish his writing that I already gave him (when he does get in trouble)...but I'm open to suggestions as to suitable

Anyway, have an update already. He was good at school yesterday! So instead of making him come home and finish writing his sentences.... he got to go outside and play. Would you believe for the very first time EVER my boys played together without fighting for 2.5 hours!!!!!!!! :
I never knew it could be SOOO good! I guess after not being allowed to play together for 3 whole days they actually enjoyed playing together. Not one single time did they come tell on the other one!!!! I can't stress enough on how big this is. Usually you put them in a room together and within 2 minutes they are ticking the other one off.

I was able to snuggle and give each of the boys a back massage. They loved it! Jeremy had really been missing the attention.... he even sat on my lap last night while I checked my email. (Gotta understand, he doesn't get to do that very often. I'm only about 6 inches taller and 30 lb heavier than he is. Oh the joys of being small and having your kids take after their daddy. )

Thanks again for the encouragement

[oliversmum2000]

yay - it is amazing when you have one of those good days when it seems that things are just about as bad as they can be.

hold on to this when you feel bad.

i am glad you feel better.