help and ideas

[sally Z]

hi ladies I have a 27month old dd and she has started something which i have no idea how to handle. She does not want to share, for example i made a bowl of pop corn for the 2 of us and she cried and screamed if i ate any. She says "mommy no have some, spit it out" then she cries and cries and cries. i try to explain that it is for both of us but she just does not stop, once she has started she cries and screams and tells me i am making her cross.

I thought later maybe i should have put hers in a seperate bowl maybe that would have helped no idea. But the same sort of thing happened when a friend came for tea and we had biscuits, she did not want anyone else to have any and cried unconsolably if anyone ate one. It was so fortunately she has a kids so was okay, but if i say dd went on for 20 mins it is not exagerating. I did acknowledge her feelings and just held her on my lap while she cried but it was hard- was there anything i could have said that might have made it better.

Sometimes if she gets something in her head she just goes on and go, like we had to rerturn a friends dvd and she did not want to so for the whole car trip home she cried and moaned and my nerves were shot at the end, how do i deal with these situation better or do i just have to let them run their course.

[ShaggyDaddy]

I would make it a point to over explain, model, and talk up sharing and borrowing and how they work. She seems to be very interested in ownership, maybe start a game or a general strategy of talking to each other about what is hers and what belongs to everyone and what belongs to other people. When she is panicing that someone else is eating her popcorn, that is the most difficult time to work on the problem... Try to involve ownership and sharing in your everyday play and talk and try not to push the isue when she is feeling urgent about it.

I think it would be really satisfying to her to be able to say "This is my doll and I don't have to share her if I don't want to, but that is everyone's popcorn so anyone can have some."

Of course it will take time, and probably more meltdowns, but I think acknowledgeing her desire/need to exclusivly own thingswould be really productive.

[katallen]

You could try explaining that some things will have to be shared to her before friends come over and doing some sharing at home to help her understand the concept but it is a concept that most children have a hard time with even when they are four and five (though it is easier as they get older). Make sure you tell her that you are going to share things before you do it, if you make popcorn again tell her that you are making popcorn to share and that you will both eat it. Warning her ahead of time of the sharing that is coming up might help prevent a tantrum. If it has been a hard day and she has had a lot of tantrum triggers consider not doing sharing for that day, if company is over give everyone their own plate and don't do a communal bowl if possible. If she has a tantrum do exactly what you did because it sounds like it worked for both of you, hold her and empathize but don't rescue her from sharing, it will not get easier if she doesn't have some exposure to sharing.

[sally Z]

we talk about sharing a lot and she often tell me i must share with her but the opposite does not always work that well
what do i do in the melt down times?

When a friend came yesterday and she did not want to share the cookies i let her dish them out and that worked better ( until the little boy took a 2nd one then she was all tears again. She is quite a strong personality and like to be in control.

[peacelovingmama]

Originally Posted by ShaggyDaddy

Of course it will take time, and probably more meltdowns, but I think acknowledgeing her desire/need to exclusivly own thingswould be really productive.

I agree with this (and the part about modeling). I don't think sharing comes naturally to her age group at all. My 28-month-old is not fond of it either! I try to structure situations where she doesn't have to "give away" what she perceives as hers. Otherwise, I think it's just a process and it does involve meltdowns and egocentric behavior (for quite some time).

[chfriend]

I read some cool thing on child development that said that children have to have "ownership" before they can share. The ownership piece usually settles in sometime in the 3s. As in this is mine "permanently." Not this is mine because I'm using it.

So the not sharing is actually pre-sharing. The ownership piece necessary to developing the ability to share. That really helped me get through it.

We currently have to sneak library books back to the library because my 2.5 year old thinks we now own them when they come home with us. The concept of borrowing is even harder for them to get.