Mothering › Forums › Parenting › Gentle Discipline › Common situation that DH and I don't know how to handle
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Common situation that DH and I don't know how to handle  

post #1 of 19
12/15/06 at 12:29am
Thread Starter 
DS (4) often wakes up before DD (3), and plays in the living room. He goes from toy to toy, and rarely plays with anything exclusively. When DD wakes up, she does the same thing - plays with a variety of toys. They rarely play with each other that early in the morning.

Often DD will choose to play with a toy that DS was playing with before she woke up. Usually it is something that he doesn't seem to have any attachment to, but if he sees her playing with it, he panics. I think he believes that once he's touched something, it is "his" and she's trying to steal his stuff. He usually runs over to her and snatches the toy away. DD has no idea why he's upset and feels persecuted because her brother is taking "her" toy.

In the grand scheme of things, it is not the worst situation. But, DH and I never know how we can handle it and be fair to both children, who both feel that they have been wronged. :
post #2 of 19
12/15/06 at 12:50am
why is a toy so much more fun and interesting when somebody else is playing with it?
post #3 of 19
12/15/06 at 1:02am
Well, I am looking forward to the answers to this too, but would seperate 'bins' of toys work for you? As in- this is ds's bin and this is dd's bin, and they can only choose from there prospective bins in the morning before you wake up? I wouldn't expect them to be able to share.
post #4 of 19
12/15/06 at 7:38am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cherie2 View Post
why is a toy so much more fun and interesting when somebody else is playing with it?
if a tree falls down and nobody is there to hear out - does it make a noise? :

post #5 of 19
12/15/06 at 10:39am
Quote:
Originally Posted by kindergirl77 View Post
Well, I am looking forward to the answers to this too, but would seperate 'bins' of toys work for you? As in- this is ds's bin and this is dd's bin, and they can only choose from there prospective bins in the morning before you wake up? I wouldn't expect them to be able to share.
Seperate toys are really hard with kids close in age IMO. Right now there are very few toys my 2.5 year olds have that my 1.5 year old can't play with appropriatly (I"m thinking of 1 puzzle they have she can't put together, and the thomas tracks which she can't put together but can play with). It really doesn't make sense to say "there are your little peoplep ds" and "these are your little people dd" IMO, it sets up fights (hey those are MY people). What we do is whover is playing with something at the moment has possession of it and can play as long as she likes. In the situation of the OP I would say something to ds like "I know you were playing with it before, but now dd is playing with it, and when she is done you can play again." Every toy in this house belongs to everyone except their dolls which are special for them, and they each have a doll stroller so there are no fights over whose is whose. When I give toys I have in mind who would enjoy them most so I try to balance, but don't give them to the individual person. FE the thomas tracks were really for Rena, and the dollhouse they are getting next week is really for Nechama (both were for Hanukkah but the tracks came out early, we were moving and desperate for something new) and the weeble castle will be for RIvka, but everyone can play with everything. I'm not going to forbid my 2.5 year olds from playing with toy they would enjoy that is devlopmentally appropriate for them just because it was given with Rivka in mind. Don't ask me what I am goign to do about b-day gifts it hasn't come up yet as the girls stole Rivka's 1yo b-day gift (a LP set) but she didn't care, and she was too young their last b-day to play with whatever they got (if we got them something )
post #6 of 19
12/15/06 at 10:50am
I agree that it's easier to have the toys be accessible to everyone. Separated toys creates more conflict and fights, imo.

I have found that whomever has it, gets to play with it right now. If there is still angst, I've set the timer and they each get 3 minutes or 5 minutes or whatever. Usually, by the time the timer goes off, no one cares anymore anyway.
post #7 of 19
12/15/06 at 10:56am
My older son is free to be upset, scream, cry or be frustrated because his younger brother is playing with a toy. He may not grab, period. He has a few personal toys that are only for him to play with (his special toys). Everything else is community property. The younger son is not a hoarder (yet?) so this hasn't been a problem. No matter how much he cries or screams I still will not grab the toy from the 2.5 yo for his benefit. He can wait until the younger son is done or ask him nicely or propose a trade (has to be consensual on both sides).

There have been times where the older son had some major tantrums over this and I remained a calm benevolent presence. I will not interfere except to be sure the older doesn't grab from the younger. Eventually, the older son realized the younger doesn't play with toys for very long, is usually willing to trade or the older will tantrum without result and discover the energy expended wasn't really worth the toy in question.

Do we still have problems with this? Yes, but it's not very often and it gets resolved pretty quickly.
post #8 of 19
12/15/06 at 11:04am
Thread Starter 
Thanks for your advice, everyone. The kids have a pretty good idea of what toys are special to each other, and they won't play with those particular toys without asking first.

I think I will try the timer first and see how that works. DS is like me, he needs to know when things are going to happen and unexpected events can be very stressful for him. If I can say, "DD will play with this toy for three minutes; help me set the timer."

I like the trading idea, too, as long as I can make sure DS doesn't try to trade for something stupid. In the past when he's seen his sister playing with one of his special toys, he'd find some broken wheel from a truck or something and try to trade. Usually she'd accept graciously and actually sit there playing with a broken wheel.

Thanks again!
post #9 of 19
12/15/06 at 11:22am
This happens here too and as long as the younger is happy then it's a fair trade. As they both mature, the younger may no longer find it fair and the older will have to get more creative. They sort of mature together in this regard, the negotiation of a fair trade.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nova22 View Post
he'd find some broken wheel from a truck or something and try to trade. Usually she'd accept graciously and actually sit there playing with a broken wheel.

Thanks again!
post #10 of 19
12/15/06 at 11:29am
The only thing I don't like about this is that I believe this sends the signal that when your son is frustrated your daughter has consequences. After the 3 minutes, will you grab the toy from the 2 yo? What if she still wants it?

Quote:
Originally Posted by nova22 View Post

I think I will try the timer first and see how that works. DS is like me, he needs to know when things are going to happen and unexpected events can be very stressful for him. If I can say, "DD will play with this toy for three minutes; help me set the timer."


Thanks again!
post #11 of 19
12/15/06 at 12:09pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by PumpkinSeeds View Post
The only thing I don't like about this is that I believe this sends the signal that when your son is frustrated your daughter has consequences. After the 3 minutes, will you grab the toy from the 2 yo? What if she still wants it?
You have to get both in agreement first.
You have to say that since they both want the toy, they need to share and what amount of time would be fair for both of them? They decide and then the timer is set. You make it clear to the one with the toy that when the timer goes off, it is then the other child's turn.
post #12 of 19
12/15/06 at 12:14pm
OK I could see how that would work.

My 2yo isn't very verbal so that wouldn't work for us, but it might work for someone else.

Oh dear! Glitter glue...gotta run....
post #13 of 19
12/15/06 at 12:29pm
I've resorted to discipline on this one myself. I can't deal with 4 YO DD's whining over wanting EVERYTHING for her & NOONE else touching anything...when there's a dispute the toy disappears. No discussion. A few days, done. Not saying it works for all kids but I was AMAZED how mine totally changed their attitudes when they saw I meant it. All the whining just causes too much stress & unhappiness all around. Better to not even have toys I figured...thankfully it didn't go that far!
post #14 of 19
12/15/06 at 12:33pm
I don't like the timer idea. I don't think it's fair to the child who has the toy that the other child wants. I think it punishes the child who was behaving appropriately, and I don't see that as furthering my parenting goals! I also don't like sending the message that if you throw a fit, you'll get your way, even if you have to wait a few minutes. At my house, whomever has the toy, gets to keep the toy until that person is done with it, then it's fair game for anyone. It also sets up a dynamic where it's easy for one sibling to purposely annoy the other by demanding a turn on the toy the other one is playing with. Plus, as an adult, I'd be pretty darn annoyed if someone came in and told me I'd have to share my laptop in 3 minutes!

In the OP's situation, at some point when it's not an issue, I'd sit down with the older son (because he's the one who seems to be having the issue) and tell him what I've seen. Then he and I would brainstorm to figure out a solution that works for him but is fair to his sibling. Then, in the moment, I'd gently pull him away, help him calm down, and remind him of whatever he'd agreed to do in that situation.
post #15 of 19
12/15/06 at 12:35pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by rmzbm View Post
I've resorted to discipline on this one myself. I can't deal with 4 YO DD's whining over wanting EVERYTHING for her & NOONE else touching anything...when there's a dispute the toy disappears. No discussion. A few days, done. Not saying it works for all kids but I was AMAZED how mine totally changed their attitudes when they saw I meant it. All the whining just causes too much stress & unhappiness all around. Better to not even have toys I figured...thankfully it didn't go that far!
I don't like this method either. Again, I think it's a punishment for the child whose toys were taken. I realize it makes life easier for the mother, but if child #1 is playing nicely with a toy, and then child #2 tries to grab it, so it gets taken away from both of them, how is that respectful of child#1?
post #16 of 19
12/15/06 at 12:49pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by rainyday View Post
In the OP's situation, at some point when it's not an issue, I'd sit down with the older son (because he's the one who seems to be having the issue) and tell him what I've seen. Then he and I would brainstorm to figure out a solution that works for him but is fair to his sibling. Then, in the moment, I'd gently pull him away, help him calm down, and remind him of whatever he'd agreed to do in that situation.
Ah-ha. I think you've nailed it.

I often forget that as my son gets older, he is able to rationalize better.

This morning was fairly incident-free so I didn't get to try any of the suggestions that were made overnight. Right now (as they usually do as the day goes on) they are playing really nicely together, sharing toys, etc. Maybe this is not so much a behavior issue, but a common reaction for a sleepy little boy who doesn't get enough rest at night and takes out his crankiness on his sister.

Maybe tonight before bed we will have a conversation about what goes on in the mornings, so tomorrow if he grabs a toy from DD, I can remind him of our discussion. In the mean time I'll continue working on our nighttime struggles. *sigh*
post #17 of 19
12/15/06 at 1:08pm
What we've decided in our house is that it's not ok to take something from someone else without asking politely and receiving their consent. I did the timer thing and enforced "sharing" but it felt like parent-sanctioned toy theft. It hasn't completely solved the problem, but at least I'm enforcing something I can believe in.

ZM
post #18 of 19
12/15/06 at 1:09pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by rainyday View Post
I don't like the timer idea. I don't think it's fair to the child who has the toy that the other child wants. I think it punishes the child who was behaving appropriately, and I don't see that as furthering my parenting goals! I also don't like sending the message that if you throw a fit, you'll get your way, even if you have to wait a few minutes. At my house, whomever has the toy, gets to keep the toy until that person is done with it, then it's fair game for anyone. It also sets up a dynamic where it's easy for one sibling to purposely annoy the other by demanding a turn on the toy the other one is playing with. Plus, as an adult, I'd be pretty darn annoyed if someone came in and told me I'd have to share my laptop in 3 minutes!
My mistake....I misread the op and thought they wanted the same toy at the same time and no one really had it first. That's when we use the timer....when they both want to play with it and no one really had it first.

I totally agree that whomever has the toy gets to play with it until they are done and the other child has to wait. The 'he/she had it first, you'll have to wait' isn't popular at my house, but it's the only fair way to handle the situation.
post #19 of 19
12/15/06 at 2:16pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by rainyday View Post
I don't like this method either. Again, I think it's a punishment for the child whose toys were taken. I realize it makes life easier for the mother, but if child #1 is playing nicely with a toy, and then child #2 tries to grab it, so it gets taken away from both of them, how is that respectful of child#1?
Oh, I agree with you! Just an honest statement of what I did.
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Gentle Discipline
This thread is locked  
Mothering › Forums › Parenting › Gentle Discipline › Common situation that DH and I don't know how to handle