19 month old abuses our cat...suggestions?

[summerleaf]

We have two cats... Max and Sketch. Sketch bites and our 19 month old daughter knows that so she usually keeps her distance from him. Max on the other hand, just meows pathetically when our daughter abuses him...she has recently added tail-pulling to her repetoire of fur-pulling, eye poking, ear pulling, etc. If Max defended himself, I think there would be little issue here. But since he doesn't, and I can't let her think that it is ok to abuse a helpless creature, I am looking for suggestions on how to get her to stop this behavior.

We have taught her the word "gentle" and what it means. She knows how to pet the cats gently and will sometimes do that, when she feels like it. But when she's in a mischevious mood... poor kitty!

We have the book "Tails are not for Pulling" and have read it to her over this past year...she loves this book and loves to have it read to her, but it hasn't done a lick of good in preventing tail-pulling...probably encouraged it actually!

I have tried redirecting her to other activities, verbal guidance ("no hitting" "no tail pulling" "gentle petting" "open hand"), physically prying her hand loose from the cat, putting her in the corner for 60 seconds (which she seems to enjoy) and (shudder) spanking. Nothing really seems to help.

Is this just something I have to wait for her to outgrow?

[cross posted in Toddlers]

[chfriend]

At that age, I think all you can do is keep the kitties separated from the toddler. Prevention is the only solution that is likely to work because babies can't really control their impulses.

[Cujobunny]

:

We have an old lazy cat who doesn't seem to mind that much getting his tail or legs pulled or Trent sitting on him or whatever, but I don't want him to think it's OK to treat animals like that, so I sit with him, ask him to show me how to pet the kitty softly, and he'll do it. However, I turn my back and he's tormenting again, so away the kitty goes. He'll understand better when he's a little older.

[Emmanuelle-France]

A cat is never helpless!
Your cat knows he could severely hurt your baby.

My daughter is exactly the same (20 mo) with our far-too-gentle cat.
I truly believe he enjoys it!!!! Until he goes sleeping away.

Teach her "gentle", and let them adapt one to the other!

[katerkat]

I would supervise them together until she learns to be gentle. One of our cats absolutely adores playing with the 21 month old - tail pulling, ear pulling, fur ruffling, rolling on the floor playing. (I think he's part dog....both of them!) It gets rough but I know the cat won't allow the boy to push him too far - I've seen Tycho swat at the boy (no claws) when he pushed the cat too far. So I'm not really worried about them because they both know how to stop the play-fighting. I'd be more worried if Tycho never signalled an end to the play - I'd think someday he'd snap and there's be blood involved.

[mcs]

i think it would help to change your language. i read over on the toddlers board that someone said "your 19th month old can't abuse anything" and i feel like that is so true. it seems like that word kind of traps both you and your dd- like an expectation of behaviour.
my 18 month dd was having a hard time being gentle with our cats a few weeks ago, but this week she is so sweet. it was terrible for me to see her pull their tails, i mean it is one of those things that i physicaly react to (like nails on a black board or cotton balls) i would really, without even thinking, shout "eisa noooo! ouuuchh!" or something over-the-top like that. but finnally, i learned to control my impulse and it seemed to help her control her own.
for a while she would point at the cat's tails and say "no no nno" shaking her little finger and head very seriously and then... pull anyway. i also noticed that when i pet the cats, i run my hands over their bodies and then...the tail. one time i acctually watched dd watch me do this, and then walk over and pull the tail. aha! so i also really watch how i pet the cats infront of her.
anyways---i think it is pretty normal, and with your loving help, should pass.

[erinl1972]

We had the EXACT same issue (sadly our kitty died a few months ago) and what we finally had to do was supervise 100% of the time. Sometimes I would put the cat in a separate room if I was trying to cook or something so I would know that she was not in harm's way. I think dd figured out it was a HUGE button of mine (loved that cat so much) and then she used it to get attention or when she was mad. It was incredibly painful to see. Unfortunately I never developed a great pattern for dealing with it. Saying, "gentle" gave her the understanding but didn't change her behavior much. I hope now that at 3, she might be more gentle. I think protecting the animal is important.

Erin

[cpop]

We had this issue while we had my mom's cat living with us (she was moving, long story, but the cat was w/ us for about 8months). My dd was around your dc's age and she would not actually abuse the cat but that was mainly because the cat would run away from her every time she appeared. But she would chase the poor cat around the house for hours and when she got close to him she would roar and growl at him.
What we did in the end was provide the cat with a few places to hang out
:like high shelves with a blanket where he could sleep, a kitty bed in the laundry room (my dd was discouraged from going in the laundry room because of the detergents and cleaning products), a box with a blanket in it on my DH's desk. When she would harass him I would pick him up and put him in one of these places where she couldn't reach him and so eventually he figured out that he was safe in these places and would just go back to them himself when he didn't feel like playing tag with her.
That worked for us, because she also got the message that when she bothered him he went out of her reach.

[VickV]

We have 4 cats. 2 see Isabel and they're like "oh H@LL no" before she gets near enough to touch them. The other two are idiots. Max and Willow are constantly smacked (or "pet" if you ask Isabel), smooshed (or loved) and have their tails grabbed. Poor Max is declawed in front, but Willow has a whole mess of claws to express her displeasure. The cats are also much faster than Isabel, and fit in smaller and higher places - so I let them fend for themselves. I try "gentle" and "soft", and if anyone looks in danger of losing a spleen or eye, I'll intervene. But basically, I just let it roll. (ETA - no-one has ever used a tooth or claw on Isabel, they just leave when they've had enough)

It's tough because she greets all new animals with a loving whack, which isn't often what the animal expected. Especially the gray wolf she got to sit with for a photo op ... poor girl was just lying there, mellow as can be, and Isabel whacked her across the muzzle. Joyfully and with much love, but still. Said wolf stood up and licked Isabel's face ... I think sometimes animals can tell the little ones mean well but just can't contain themselves. That's something it's hard for us to remember, but really, there's no malice from a little one, just exuberance

[summerleaf]

Yes, it is exuberance, not "abuse" as I put it earlier. And to some degree also, I think she does it to get a reaction out of us.

Max, poor cat, I think he sticks around and suffers the discomfort out of some hope that she will actually pet him the way he likes to be pet...he meows to try to tell her "not like that...pet another way".

Since I posted this, I have seen only one mild attempt at tail pulling from my daughter, and no other shanigans so far. Here's hoping she's gotten over that phase!

[tatermom]

2 or 3 months ago I almost posted about the exact same thing. DS seemed to get a particular delight in our's and the cat's reaction when he pulled the cat's tail, stepped on the cat, or even walked up calmly and kicked the cat! (we have 2 cats and one will avoid DS but the other likes to be around people and will just lay there and take it ). We tried to be very proactive about it, literally hovering over DS whenever he was within striking range of the cat and quickly redirecting him to a soccer ball he could kick, a pillow he could kick, etc, while at the same time having very little emotional reaction on our part, which was clearly feeding into the situation. Well, 2-3 months later, I think it might have worked-- whether it was our interventions or DS's maturation, I'm not sure, but in any case, he is now, 90% of the time, very sweet with the cats. Yay! So, hang in there and keep doing what you are doing, and it may "click" soon for your DD.