A little bit of obedience, please! - Page 5

[maya44]

Everyone sometimes does things wrong in life. Somtime unintentionally. Sometimes because we give in to our own laziness or self interest.

IMHO, it is those little feelings of guilt that help all of us act better the next time. To me, it's a necessary part of a moral life.

And it's not about "making" your child feel guilty. It's about understanding that it is a healthy and normal reaction in all people to feel guilty when they have not met the needs and expectations of their loved ones.

My point was that this ALONE is ennough to have our children cooperate with us, contraty to what some people believe... that some other consequence is necessary.

[WuWei]

See, I just believe that guilt is not necessary for cooperation. We have an atmosphere of gratitude for others helping out, not demands, expectations, criticism, failure, guilt. Appreciation seems to go such a long way that it isn't necessary to *expect* others to meet our needs. And I don't believe that our son is responsible for meeting my needs anyway. Although, I choose to model helping others meet their needs and he embraces that paradigm too. An atmosphere of freely cooperating is much more joyful than the one I grew up with. Of course, there are times when any one of us is busy doing something else, and someone may not want to help "right now". We respect that too and find ways for all of us to meet our needs.


Pat

[rmzbm]

I like Yooper.

[gaialice]

I just wanted to say thank you to all the mamas who shared their cleaning up strategies. I have not been able to get my dds to help me cleaning, for weeks. No it is not OK with me. I did tell them so, and we tried playfulness, we tried explaining, we tried music, we tried, we tried... If there is one thing I know I need to to work on, this is it. Yesterday, we made a plan. They liked to plan. Then, I did my part, and they did none of theirs, in fact, they started a complicated game and they needed paper and scissors and markers and made more mess, although, they did play quietly for all the time it took for me to clean it all up. I tried the active waiting, and they ran away laughing. When you say for the 30th time over, I am doing this but I expect you to do it next time, well, you know it ain't working. I am not giving up the trying, but to me it is just very very difficult right now. I'll try to talk to them tonight about how we are going to give a gift to the ourselves of tomorrow. We'll see.

[WuWei]

Gaialice,

What helps me to decrease the urgency of cleaning is to contain the mess. For instance, play on top of a large flat sheet or blanket, so that the bits and pieces can easily be scooped up and tossed in a playbox or trash, or shaken outside. We have a playroom/workroom where we do crafts. It is behind a door, so that the bits CAN stay from day to day, without me feeling imposed on by the clutter. We work and play in that area and the rest of the house stays picked up. That meets my need for order and ds and friend's needs for crafting and free creative play without the hovering and urging to clean up constantly. Then, on an occasional basis, I clean in one contained area, instead of all floors, all rooms and all surfaces needing to be repeatedly decluttered. The former dining room is the play/work room. It is much more enjoyable to our whole family than a formal dining area.

HTH, Pat

[gaialice]

Thanks Pat, another very good piece of advice. Our apartment is very small, and you're right there is no designated play area. Their room's too small, and then they end up playing in the living room. And the feeling that the toys are all over the place is immediate. I wish I could find a better arrangement, but luckily in a few months (June) we'll move. However, I still need to get to June. The blanket idea is a good one.

[ShadowMom]

I have a pretty small living room, too (his bedroom is huge but what fun is it to play in there alone?) and I got my DS a big 'ol train table...

After some debate with myself, I put it in the living room and it actually works out really well for us... his trains and toys don't ALWAYS stay on the train table, of course, but they live there when not in use and they are there the majority of the time.

It has REALLY helped with the mess factor. Yes, there is a huge train table in the living, but having a million things on IT is just so much better than having it all over the darn floor.

But, I'm separated so it's just DS and I... it's a lot easier to share your space in my situation. I don't mind sharing that much of the living room because it's his house too... not that I'm saying that isn't the case with a larger family, but it's harder to give everyone a chunk of the living room with 4 or 5 in a family.

[WuWei]

Bumping.

Pat

[maliceinwonderland]

Originally Posted by Aimee21972

Flame away -------

Heck they don't have to WANT to help -- i do a LOT of chorse i do NOT want to do -- but they need to do.

I've actually told dd this exact thing, not in a nasty way..just more of a "I totally get where you're coming from..some things I hate doing are...xyz"

Sometimes we'll swap, she'll do the dishes for me and make my bed, and I'll pick up her toys, sometimes she just decides to pick up the toys instead of trading chores, but I noticed it seemed easier for her to do the things she needs to do when I empathized and told her about the stuff I hate doing but have to get done anyway. And sometimes we make a plan of it and each spend time doing something we need to get done but don't like, and then go out together and do something we both enjoy.

[WuWei]

Bumping.

Pat