A GD technique that DH reminded me of...

[kamilla626]

DH has worked with children in residential treatment facilities for many, many years. He just pointed out to me the other day that we had been forgetting a really simple communication technique with dd, even though he uses it almost instinctively in his work.

If a child is told: "You can't keep playing with your cars right now because I need you to get dressed" they may hear "You can't keep playing with your cars", shut out the rest of the sentence, and respond intensely to what they perceive as an unfair limit.

If a child is told: "You need to get dressed before you can keep playing with your cars", they may hear "You need to get dressed!", shut out the rest of the sentence, and respond to that as an abrupt command.

But if a child is told: "After you get dressed you can go back to playing with your cars", they are more likely to hear the entire sentence, understand it as a "plan" and choose to follow through with what's being asked of them.

Maybe this is a simple thing that's in all the GD books - but I thought I'd mention it because it is so easy to do and can make a big difference. Dh and I felt almost ashamed of ourselves because we KNEW this technique, but had fallen out of the habit of talking that way to dd.

[nova22]

Thanks for that. I often say, "It's time to stop doing X so you can do Y" and I'm met with hostility from the child.

I'll work on that today.

[DevaMajka]

I'm going to have to remember that phrasing. Thanks

[Mallory]

We also say
"As soon as...."

[famousmockngbrd]

Thanks for the reminder!

[hubris]

We do lots of "let's make a plan...FIRST...and THEN..."

Gotta love the power of language.

[famousmockngbrd]

Originally Posted by funshine

We do lots of "let's make a plan...FIRST...and THEN..."

Gotta love the power of language.

Ha! I almost posted this exact same thing!

[Imvishta]

I remember reading a "Time" article about the use of language by the CIA, no less. They noted that such subtleties as "If you do not stop doing XYZ you will leave me no choice but to [your choice of punishment]" is more effective than "If you do not stop doing XYZ then I'll [your choice of punishment]." The difference is the phrase "you will leave me no choice" which puts the responsibility on the other person. I thought that was very intersting and haven't forgotten it.

[aira]

Originally Posted by Imvishta

I remember reading a "Time" article about the use of language by the CIA, no less. They noted that such subtleties as "If you do not stop doing XYZ you will leave me no choice but to [your choice of punishment]" is more effective than "If you do not stop doing XYZ then I'll [your choice of punishment]." The difference is the phrase "you will leave me no choice" which puts the responsibility on the other person. I thought that was very intersting and haven't forgotten it.

I really hope no one is saying this to kids, and that this is offered as a general point about language.

Putting responsibility on a child for something they are not actually responsible for (punishment) is not honest or gentle.

[ollineeba]

Originally Posted by kamilla626

But if a child is told: "After you get dressed you can go back to playing with your cars", they are more likely to hear the entire sentence, understand it as a "plan" and choose to follow through with what's being asked of them.

This is very true. Ds responds so much better when we phrase things like this. It sounds more positive

[Aeress]

Very helpful! It is so easy to get into bad habits...like saying "no" all the time and such. It is nice to have a reminder of other ways to phrase requests.

[funkygranolamama]

Yayyyyy!
Great advice!
I really needed that.......right now, really!

[Redifer]

This is what we do with dd. For example, tonite, she wanted to go to her gramma's house, but gma wasn't home. So, of course, she didn't want to go to bed without seeing gramma. We have to say "After you wake up refreshed in the morning, we'll be going to see gramma!".

It's the same thing all day. She needs to know what she'll be doing after activity 1 before activity 1 even begins. I find myself laying out plans all day long.. and if you don't, if DH forgets or we're with relatives who don't do it, it's meltdown city.

[mimiharshe]

i needed that!

[mamamaris]

I think I did the "get dressed now and play in a little bit" today : . Good reminder :

[Imvishta]

Originally Posted by aira

I really hope no one is saying this to kids, and that this is offered as a general point about language.

Putting responsibility on a child for something they are not actually responsible for (punishment) is not honest or gentle.

It's a general point about language. And, coincidentally, we were watching SpongeBob after I made the post and Squidward (the curmudgeonly character) used that exact phrasing! I do think that at a point with older children it would be appropriate to use such phrasing, for example with teens who already know what's right and wrong, but need to be taught about the consequences of their choices. But, for a toddler, no. I was just pointing out how even an agency as deliberate as the CIA has studied this issue and found that even very subtle changes in wording can make a difference. Wish I had the whole article as it was quite interesting.

Looking back over this note I realized that you might have thought [your choice of punishment] in brackets meant the child chooses the punishment. I was putting that phrase in brackets to mean that it was open to change. Meaning, one might say to a teen "If you do not stop coming home later than your curfew, you will leave me no choice but to take away your car." Rather than "If you do not stop coming home later than your curfew I will take away your car." The point being that the choice of whether or not to incur the punishment is up to the other person. And, they found, for some reason it works. But, I'm thinking that you might have thought I meant to force a young child to choose a punishment, and that is not what I meant.

[JBEMom]

I just read this thread a few minutes ago. My daughter just came up to me and wanted to play with her Mr. PotatoHead. I "smelled" something so I asked her if she went potty in her "big girl pants" and she said "No." I asked her if I could look in her pants and she said "No". I then said "After I look in your big girl pants we can play Mr. Potato Head." She said "OK."

This will require some retraining on my part but it's worth it.

[Mpenny1001]

That's a good tip! Another one is that, before a certain developmental stage, if you say, "Don't run" to a child, they only hear "run". That is why it is better to tell them what you want them to do ("walk!") instead of what you want them to stop doing.

[Autumn Breeze]

Yes! Great reminder!

[Rhiannon Feimorgan]

It's interesting that both of the first choices have an assumption that the child might not cooperate and an implyed threat. "No cars until you get dressed" or "If you don't get dressed than no cars"

The third, best phrasing assumes that the child will cooperate and lays out the full plan of action "first you will get dressed, then you will play with the cars"