"It makes Mommy happy when you _____."

[nova22]

My kids are in a loosely structured gymnastics class that they both love. The teachers are really nice, great with kids, and very gentle.

My almost 4-y.o. son is very energetic and is not used to interacting with other kids in a class-type setting. After class the other day, his teacher was talking to all the parents about their children. When she got to me, she said I may want to remind him to listen to his teacher. She said at his age, he is motivated by my reactions, so I might want to say "It makes Mommy happy when you listen to your teacher."

I don't mind reminding him to listen to his teacher during class, especially when it's important to his safety and the safety of other children around him.

I "know" from reading various child development books, and I know from experience, that both of my older children respond well when they know their actions have pleased me, so I do see some merit in what his teacher said. However, is that the best way to do it? It just doesn't seem right to me to say, "I want you to do this because it makes me happy."

[zeldamomma]

My position is that it is NOT my children's job to make me happy. And I would HATE for them to take responsibility for my moods, which are often a result of things far beyond their control (like when I get mad about something in the news).

I think she's wrong, and to follow her advice would set up an unhealthy dynamic.

JM2C,

ZM

[mamabeth]

I might say something like, "your teacher appreciates it when you listen to her, and so do I." I get what she was going for...but giving you parenting advice is probably not appropriate. I do say stuff to my dd (almost 4) like "I really appreciate it when you come the very first time I ask you to." ITA with the pp that it's not a kid's job to make a parent happy per se, but I do think it is a good idea to show appreciation when they do something that makes life easier. Hope that makes sense.

[nova22]

"I really appreciate it" sounds much better, thank you.

I agree, it's not their job to make me happy. I like it when they do but I don't want them to think that if I'm NOT happy, it's because they're doing something wrong, you know?

[georgia]

Saying anything "makes me" feel a certain way is one of my biggest pet peeves ever.

Nothing *makes* anyone anything, IMO. We choose our responses. Telling anyone their actions have control over my state of mind/emotional well-being, etc is so disempowering for me--and for them to learn that others control how we feel. And IMO, it's too much responsibility for anyone, let alone a child. It feels manipulative and passively-aggressive or something for her to request that you ask your child to behave compliantly toward her in an effort to please YOU. :

I think your instincts are right on.

Ick, ick, ick.

IME, it would be more effective for her to address him herself the next time she sees any dangerous behavior. Littlenova, when I see bodies flying around off the mat, I worry because I don't want anyone to get hurt. Can we step back on the mat and try that tumble again....or something....

Instead of hey, remember that your mommy likes little boys who listen to their teachers

[wildmonkeys]

I agree that it would be better to use the word appreciate. Depending on the child I also might tell them you are very proud when you see them listening to the teacher and enjoying the class or discuss how everyone has more time to do gymnastics when everyone listens to the teacher so she doesn't have to repeat herself.

That being said, I teach gymnastics pt and have a graduate degree in a child related profession and have to say that we should cut the teacher some slack. Most of the people I work with are former gymnasts without training in child development or teaching and often without their own children. Many of them know more about gymnastics than about kids so it is unlikely that she meant any harm, but just want the class to run smoothly.

BJ
Barney, Ben & soon to be #3!!!

[nova22]

Originally Posted by wildmonkeys

I agree that it would be better to use the word appreciate. Depending on the child I also might tell them you are very proud when you see them listening to the teacher and enjoying the class or discuss how everyone has more time to do gymnastics when everyone listens to the teacher so she doesn't have to repeat herself.

That being said, I teach gymnastics pt and have a graduate degree in a child related profession and have to say that we should cut the teacher some slack. Most of the people I work with are former gymnasts without training in child development or teaching and often without their own children. Many of them know more about gymnastics than about kids so it is unlikely that she meant any harm, but just want the class to run smoothly.

BJ
Barney, Ben & soon to be #3!!!

Oh definitely. I hope my post didn't come across as rude to the teacher. I LOVE them all, they're very good with the kids, and do a lot to include my daughter even when she's feeling nervous and afraid. They're really wonderful women, and the best part is, they have told me again and again that if I ever have suggestions that would help my children enjoy the class more, I am welcome to bring them up. So next week, I can say, "I thought about what you said last week, and I believe DS would respond better if he were directed in this way..." etc.

[MobiusWentKnowhere]

Originally Posted by zeldamomma

My position is that it is NOT my children's job to make me happy. And I would HATE for them to take responsibility for my moods, which are often a result of things far beyond their control (like when I get mad about something in the news).

I think she's wrong, and to follow her advice would set up an unhealthy dynamic.

JM2C,

ZM

Agreed.

[hubris]

I'm not sure I'd tell my child anything about *my* feelings about his listening to his teacher - not "it makes me happy", and not even "I appreciate it". I do like the idea of telling him that his teacher appreciates it. Are there other positive natural consequences of listening that you could emphasize?

Like..

"when everybody stands still and listens to your teacher, it's easier to know what to do next"

Or maybe point out the negative consequences of not listening, like "when you don't listen to your teacher, she feels frustrated and you don't learn new acrobatic tricks"...or whatever the case may be.

My examples are lame, but I know what the situation is like, since I have an almost-4 of my own! I would just want to keep *your* emotions out of it, since you're not a part of that interaction, you know?

[Emmanuelle-France]

Hello,


I was a little bit surprised to read some of the answers.

I am actually exactly in the same situation with my son who is very energetic; his teacher is very much old fashioned, a good teacher but not really progressive if you see what I mean!

I fully agree that it is not a kid's job to "make his mom happy". Kids tend to take responsibility for everything, so it is too heavy a burden to put our happyness on their shoulders.

However, I believe that naturally, it is their pleasure to do things that we like. And I believe it is important for me to explain how my son should behave, and how I feel when he is nice or not with his teacher.

If I do not let him know the way I feel when his teacher tells me he wasn't nice, then he wouldn't try to improve, or wouldn't even know what the teacher expects from him (quite often I realise that Tibô did not even understand why the teacher wasn't happy).

So when the teacher is happy with him, I tell him that I am "proud" of his behaviour.
And when the teacher is not happy.... then no more TV. Because anyway he doesn't watch it much, and because I'd rather see him do activities, or play games etc. I would love another better solution, any ideas? I'll be more than happy to test!

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Originally Posted by Emmanuelle-France

So when the teacher is happy with him, I tell him that I am "proud" of his behaviour.
And when the teacher is not happy.... then no more TV. Because anyway he doesn't watch it much, and because I'd rather see him do activities, or play games etc. I would love another better solution, any ideas? I'll be more than happy to test!

I think giving external praise/punishment for what should be an intrinsically motivated activity could end up turning him away from his joy of gymnastics and towards pleasing other people. Instead of focusing on his own interests he might become more focused on pleasing others and avoiding consequences.

I think a logical consequence (e.g. if he is disruptive to the class or not listening to the teacher, he has to leave the class early that day) might not interfere with the intrinsic enjoyment he is deriving from the class as much.

For example, if I was engaged in my painting hobby and my DH said to me, "That watercolor painting you did makes me happy," I would be inclined to think, "what??? I wasn't painting for you. I was painting for ME. Am I supposed to be painting for you?"

I also very much agree with Georgia that statements such as, "you made me feel" are a pet peeve of mine. It teaches a person that they are responsible for other people's feelings and worse, that other people are responsible for THEIR feelings. Its disempowering, and also, just not true.

[georgia]

However, I believe that naturally, it is their pleasure to do things that we like.

Agreed. But, as they get older, sometimes, they also can delight in doing things that tend to elicit not-so-nice reactions. They also take pleasure in doing things they like (which is a beautiful thing), but sometimes that's incompatible with what teacher likes/prefers.

And when the teacher is not happy.... then no more TV.

Now to me, that doesn't make sense for me...this places the burden on the child to act only in ways that keep the teacher happy or else he'll lost something that he finds to be enjoyable, TV. Did that just make sense? Then, he's acting out of fear of losing the TV rather than because listening to the teacher keeps him safe and/or the less time spent corraling him the more time to play on the equipment...

And what if the teacher happened to have unrealistic expectations of how he "should" be acting, and she was just prone to take any deviation from her rules as an affront---and therefore, she was mainly unhappy with him? Is that the child's fault? He would still lose TV watching time, and to me, that's not only unfair, but punitive.

Okay, I'm sure I've rambled on way too long. Boy, I've been chatty lately :

[InDaPhunk]

Originally Posted by nova22

She said at his age, he is motivated by my reactions, so I might want to say "It makes Mommy happy when you listen to your teacher."

Your DS would probably realize that the inverse of this is "It makes mommy unhappy when you don't listen to your teacher". Not all that positive of a message for something that is supposed to be purely fun. It would be so sad for such a young soul to think that he made his mommy unhappy : .

Maybe the teacher is kind of dull sometimes, and that why he doesn't always listen so well . Perhaps you could tell the teacher that "It makes Mommy happy when the class I pay good money for isn't dull as dishwater so that my son has a good time and is fully engaged instead of getting 'reprimanded' for not listening to his snoozerific teacher".

Ok, so now I'm just being perverse . (is it that he's not listening to her when she's speaking or that he isn't following her instructions? I couldn't determine from your post)

Seriously, maybe he needs a different class (and a different teacher : ). Maybe he needs something that is more constantly moving instead of so much standing around when other kids are doing activities (or when the teacher is yakking her mouth ), or maybe he's not quite ready for that type of class....or maybe he's just 4 and has the attention span of your typical 4 year old which sometimes isn't all that long, and sometimes they're also not so great at impulse control. Or maybe he doesn't understand the importance of listening to the teacher, how that's a very important portion of the class.

Ask him why he doesn't listen when she's talking or follow her instructions. See what he says . I'm sure if you have a conversation about how the class works, the benefits of paying attention to the teacher etc, maybe do some role playing of how to listen, what he might do when the teacher is talking, how one "actively listens" etc, things will go well. Maybe he doesn't understand the instructions that he's given, maybe he literally doesn't undertand what she wants him to do. Could you observe a class to see when he loses focus? And if when you talk to him you get the feeling that he's not challenged enough, then you just put him into something more engaging, or a class that more fully supports his enthusiasm and burdgeoning social skills.

[mamaduck]

I think the teacher was probably just asking for a little back-up and support from mom, and was groping for a gentle way to ask for it. I'm sure that the teacher is fine with the OP addressing however she feels comfortable, so long as she does.

[tboroson]

With my 4.5yo, when she starts getting disruptive/inattentive during her dance class, I try to discuss with her exactly why it's inappropriate. I explain to her that everyone in that class, including herself, has chosen to be there to learn. They and their families pay a lot of money and spend a lot of time for them to be in that class, which represents great value to that family - food, clothing, your house - and it's not fair to disrupt their participation. Furthermore, when she's not participating, she's not getting what *she* wants out of coming. If she doesn't want to participate in the activity, that's fine. We don't have to continue coming. She's free to come or not. I don't want to make it sound like a punishment - "You can't come anymore if you act like that." Rather, I want her to make the choice herself - come and participate, or spend the time, money and effort doing something that appeals to her more. But, coming and disrupting everyone else's activity is not appropriate.