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My daughter stole my savings and was taking out my wages for a year!!

post #1 of 99
12/15/06 at 7:44pm
Thread Starter 
My daughter took out a second ATM card for my account (without me knowing) and wiped out my life savings, took out my salary , leaving just enough to cover my cheques , racked up my credit card to capacity, and took out a major creditcard and racked it up, crashed her grandfathers new car and stole items from my sister and nephew and sold them including a video camara. I'm a single mother and have given my life to her, never went out , worked and lived for her, taught her to be a good person and I just can't beleive this has happened.

I'm numb, I can't feel, I'm destroyed and violated and torn!!She left to live on her own (now I know I was paying for that), and fought with her friend and needed to come back home (this is after I found all of this out)., now she's here and if I ask her any questions she says "I feel like I'm being interrogated." She is not sorry , isn't paying me back and doesn't feel remorseful. I feel like I can't trust her and don't ask her anything because I know she will tell me a lie.

She is cutting herself and I think it's her way of scaring me and controlling me. (if I punish her for her actions she'll hurt herself.)

I don't know what to do to make her take responsibility for what she has done to me. I have nothing, I saved for 15 years and now I have nothing!!
I feel heart broken someone I love so much could do this to me.

Please tell me what I need to do ? I can't see the forest through the trees and I'm scared she'll hurt herself!!

Sincerely, brenlo3's sister

brenlo3 told me about you mamas and suggested I post here.:
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post #2 of 99
12/15/06 at 7:59pm
wow.

you need someone alot smarter than me to help with this situation....

But I couldn't read this and say nothing.....

I hope you find the answers you are looking for, but you might want to give time frames for when these things happened and the ages your daughter was when they happened....


Good Luck
post #3 of 99
12/15/06 at 8:02pm
I have no idea so take this with a grain of salt, but personally I would seriously consider calling the police and having her charged. That is freaking crazy.
post #4 of 99
12/15/06 at 8:07pm
First off how did she get the ATM card? here I have to go in and ask for and sign for one. Second How is it that your bank statements never showed what was happening? We get a savings account summery every month. Not that we have anything in it but it is there.

If she got the card thru false means then it may be possible to pursue that with the bank since someone messed up letting her have that card. Unless of course her name was on the account. If it wasnt she illegally got that card.

post #5 of 99
12/15/06 at 8:14pm
Ya, sorry this has happened to you, but how did she get away with this for so long? How old is she? I don't mean to sound harsh either but, I would charge her IMO she will not learn her lesson unless charged, she will do it again, she committed fraud and that is illegal. This sounds like a case for some tough love, sorry.
post #6 of 99
12/15/06 at 8:20pm
I would call the police and press charges.
post #7 of 99
12/15/06 at 8:26pm
This sounds like it is beyond your capacity to deal with on your own. Get the police involved. Also, if she is cutting herself she needs help, NOW! Don't let her play it off and don't you play it off either. Is there a therapist you can take her to (make her go to)?

Momma, I'm so sorry your daughter has done this to you. I agree, this is definitely a time for tough love.
post #8 of 99
12/15/06 at 8:27pm
I think this is something bigger than you can deal with. The cutting and serious theft issues are not something you can "parent" out of her. I think you need professionals to help her. And calling the police may be the first step in getting her the help she needs. You probably at this point do not have the funds to cover it yourself so going the route of courts, etc. may be her only hope.
post #9 of 99
12/15/06 at 8:28pm
some advice from a former bad daughter. You HAVE to get a judgement of some sort against her. Civil court if need be-then go to your bank and demand action. If she says she is being interrogated-then you tell her yes it is interrogation-You deserve to know where your retirement went. I was a self cetered young adult and i still never did anything quite that bad. This sounds just crushing. Gather your bank statements-get the atm card from her change your accoutns to a new bank and file a report with the police. I went through a sorta similar thing once with a former friend and instead of jail the dA told me she would get probation as long as she agreed to payments through the court. Of course she took off and I never got anything back-but the courts will give a first timer the chance to pay back the stolen money. So you don't have to beat yourself up about her going to jail.
post #10 of 99
12/15/06 at 8:39pm
Sounds like dp's 18 yo son. He's done all this & more ... pawned our electronics, the laptop I'm typing on which the police recovered from a pawnshop, etc.

DP devoted her life to him. I entered the picture when he was 12, & he steadily got worse. We invested so much time & $ & love into him and paid for tons of counseling, therapy, antidepressants, etc. Right now he's in jail (again) facing 3-5 yrs in prison for theft & probation violation. He's done prior time for stealing our credit card. He's been doing this kind of stuff for years. He's also a drug addict.

Your situation needs more than tough love. Trust me-- from someone who's btdt: get the police involved. Your dd needs to face serious consequences. And if she's like my stepson, she STILL won't shape up. Some people just need to grow up a lot before learning. I have an awful feeling dp's son will be about 35 before he matures. He's a suburban kid brought up in an extremely loving home w/a supportive family who has a major victim mentality.

Tangent -- back to you: Call the police. And do not tolerate any of this behavior. It will only worsen if you do not act & enforce some sort of legal recourse. Even if she slips up, she'll know you're serious about not being taken advantage of. Good luck.
post #11 of 99
12/15/06 at 8:41pm
I agree with all of the advice given here. Take it to the police and the bank.

This next part is all IMHO - :

She is not going to be responsible and it will likely get worse. (My friend's daughter actually beat her up eventually, after breaking into her home and stealing from her.) Please don't let it get any further. Show her you love her by making it clear that this is not acceptable and that you respect yourself and family. All people want boundaries. Give her what she is asking for.

Hey, you've done a really tough thing already by posting here and asking for help.

Julia
post #12 of 99
12/15/06 at 8:57pm
Thread Starter 
Thank you all for your advice and help. I just CAN'T call the police, I may be so wrong but I just CAN'T. Any other options?
:
post #13 of 99
12/15/06 at 9:02pm
I know as a mother you don't want to call the police, but by not calling them, you are giving her the message that it is okay to act like this and keep on doing it. And this is going to sound bad, but it's the truth and the truth hurts, if she did this kinda stuff to the wrong person, the could be serious or permanant consequences to pay, know what I mean?
post #14 of 99
12/15/06 at 9:03pm
*
post #15 of 99
12/15/06 at 9:06pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by brenlo3 View Post
Thank you all for your advice and help. I just CAN'T call the police, I may be so wrong but I just CAN'T. Any other options?
:
Can you come up with a way for her to fix the situation? Like, a *hard* way to *really* fix the situation? And if she does not follow thru, then you call the police?
post #16 of 99
12/15/06 at 9:13pm
Thread Starter 
thismama, yes maybe, but what? My mail would go missing and I'd never receive my bills, so when all this happened we put a lock on the mailbox and now she's got the key and I have to wonder why she needs to get the mail?:
post #17 of 99
12/15/06 at 9:16pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by brenlo3 View Post
thismama, yes maybe, but what? My mail would go missing and I'd never receive my bills, so when all this happened we put a lock on the mailbox and now she's got the key and I have to wonder why she needs to get the mail?:
Take away the key! Why does she have the key? That is crazy.

She needs to get a job and start paying you back. She needs to pay you a LOT of her paycheque, especially if she is living with you and not paying rent anywhere. Not just a little bit.

This is a BIG FREAKING DEAL. It sounds like she is not treating it that way, and you are not making her. She ruined your life savings! That is nuts.

Make an agreement up, get her to sign it. If she doesn't follow thru, call the cops. And there you have your evidence.
post #18 of 99
12/15/06 at 9:18pm
How old is she? And waiting to call the cops till after she does not pay you back, because that's probably what will happen, it might be to late to get them involved.
post #19 of 99
12/15/06 at 9:20pm
why can't you call the police? I don't understand. You must feel responsible in some way. It seems like masochism to me- 15 years of savings stolen from you by your own daughter- wow- that must be excruciating. I only have a two year old and am trying not to judge or assume I know how to fix it. But still I don't think you should let her get away with that. Get some balls- she'll respect you more in the end. Maybe she'll learn a hard lesson.
post #20 of 99
12/15/06 at 9:20pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by ilovemy2ds View Post
How old is she? And waiting to call the cops till after she does not pay you back, because that's probably what will happen, it might be to late to get them involved.
Oh yeah, I didn't think of that.

My bet is she won't pay you back. She is acting like she is the victim in this! Moaning about being 'interrogated.' That is nuts.

What is the whole story? Is there something we are missing? Did she have an addiction, owe someone a gambling debt? Why did she do this, do you know? What was your relationship like before?
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