My daughter stole my savings and was taking out my wages for a year!! - Page 3

[Arduinna]

People don't act the way she has for no reason. My guess is that she has some very painful past experiences that she hasn't dealt with and doesn't know how to. While I agree that she shouldn't be given a free ride and just let off the hook I think that the goal should be getting her whole.

[BelgianSheepDog]

Originally Posted by Arduinna

People don't act the way she has for no reason. My guess is that she has some very painful past experiences that she hasn't dealt with and doesn't know how to. While I agree that she shouldn't be given a free ride and just let off the hook I think that the goal should be getting her whole.

:

And never call the police if what you want is a psychiatrist. The police are not trained to be social workers. Just a few weeks ago in my town a family called the police because their 18 year old son was drunk or high and acting out. They wanted him admitted to a psych ward. He's dead. The cops shot him because he was "acting dangerous" even though he wasn't armed.

If you want a social worker, call a social worker. Not the police.

[Lambsauce]

I'm sorry I don't have much of anything to offer, but I just couldn't read this and not reply

She would seriously benefit from therapy. This will not stop unless the authorities get involved, this has escalated way beyond the control of any one parent and will only continue to do so unless outside forces intervene.

Getting her therapy may help her begin to deal with what is causing all of this. What spoke most to me about her desperate need of therapy was the mention of her cutting... from personal experiences I can say that cutting is often a cry for help, that she's having serious problems dealing with what is going on in her life (being gay and having an abusive partner could have a lot to do with it), and she wants help so she can learn to live her life.

That's all I can say. Good luck, I'll be keeping you in my thoughts

[Galatea]

Are you sure there's no drugs involved? What did she *do* with all the money?

[chfriend]

My suggestion is that you find and contact your local PFLAG chapter (http://www.pflag.org/) and your local domestic violence center. If I have the story straight, your dd was in an abusive relationship and stole from you while in that relationship.

Is she beyond this person's reach now? Is she safe? If she was in an abusive relationship she may be suffering from PTSD.

Is dd comfortable with the lesbian relationship? Are you? Does she id as lesbian now?

I'm so sorry your family is going through this.

[Surfer Rosa]

I think there are two separate issues here. I think in order to deal with the financial/practical repercussions of your daughter's behaviour (paying you back, re-gaining your trust, etc.) she needs to get some therapy and deal with the root of the problem. It sounds like she has a lot to deal with: self-harm, being newly gay, etc, etc...these are big enough on their own. I'm not sure that turning her into the police is going to do anything but punish her more. I would look into admitting her into some sort of therapy program, so she can start dealing with her problems, and hopefully make it up to you some day.
I am a high school teacher and have dealt with kids that self-harm far more than I wish. There are so many different reasons for SH, and many different tacks to take, all of which depend on your child.
Hugs, mama, that is rough! Good luck.

[griffin2004]

Report it to the police. Like yesterday. Whether you do or not, your bank may take action. And if she did it to you, I'd bet dollars to doughnuts that she was stealing from other people, too. If the bank or some 3rd party is the complainant rather than you, you will have NO influence on the eventual outcome.

And this young woman is NOT a child. At 21, she's an adult by any legal standard.

[MillingNome]

Originally Posted by BelgianSheepDog

:

And never call the police if what you want is a psychiatrist. The police are not trained to be social workers. Just a few weeks ago in my town a family called the police because their 18 year old son was drunk or high and acting out. They wanted him admitted to a psych ward. He's dead. The cops shot him because he was "acting dangerous" even though he wasn't armed.

If you want a social worker, call a social worker. Not the police.

OMG! That is such a good thing to keep in mind. I am so glad you wrote that. What your d'sis will get back is a question. She should try to get back as much as possible. The problems all seem so huge and I'm not sure how she'd go about "fixing" them. I don't believe ever turning your back on your kids but there comes a limit when they need to know that while you love them and love them no matter, their choices have consequences- both good and bad. D'niece is in college and has a part-time job. Those are two very awesome things she has going for her... assuming those are true. It sounds like she has some major personal issues to work through. One of them has got to be being comfortable in her own skin- gay, straight whatever. The other is the total lack of empathy for those she hurts. That includes herself and mom. A lot of colleges have cheaper counseling. Maybe that could be an option. It sounds like all she is doing are symptoms of a much bigger problem. What is the root cause? Can it be found? Looking in from the outside, I'd say turn her in if nothing else works. But then again, I know I would never do that to my own dc. I'd say your d'sis has got to do some protecting of herself though. Get the mail key back or change it if she refuses. Get a PO Box if need be. Pull a credit report. Close down cards that dd has access to. Set up a repayment plan that is reasonable whether dd agrees to it or not...

My heart aches for your sister.

[BrooklynDoula]

I do forensic psychiatry, so every day I deal with cases of people who are interacting both with mental health professional and the polcie and while calling the police to get a psychiatrist is not always the best way, for many it is the only way. A PP mentioned the difficulty of getting someone into an emergency hold in some areas, and in NYC I am sure you came imagine, space is at a premium. So, here, calling the cops to get into a hospital is good way to make sure you get a spot.

I would not say NEVER to do something based on one expereince, or story from the news. Certianly that specific case, what we know of it, is very troubling, but I also know about 100 other teens who made it safely into facilities that took them in part because when the police escort you, you go to the front of the line.


That aside, with the new information, I think chfriends is right about needing some specific help around issues of queerness and abuse.

[ericswifey27]

Originally Posted by brenlo3

Thank you all for your advice and help. I just CAN'T call the police, I may be so wrong but I just CAN'T. Any other options?
:

I agree with pressing charges. She will think she can get away with anything (and she will!) if you do not take action. But I can imagine how hard that would be. At the very minimum, tell her she needs to find a new place to live. As in, yesterday.

[rabrog]

You have to get the police involved. I don't know that this is going to come out right, but you can't look upon her as only your child now. She's an adult and has made choices. Now she needs the consequences for those choices.

What if she continues to steal and next time steals from the wrong person? They may not be so nice as to press charges against her. She could end up seriously injured or dead. I know that is blunt, but it's not so far fetched if she continues in a life of deceit. Please do your daughter a favor and turn her in to the police.

Jenn

[Blu Razzberri]

Originally Posted by ilovemy2ds

okay I have to use myself as an example. I was molested by my step dad for 7 yrs. I tried to kill my baby brother when I was 12 Bad I know. I hated my mom and use to think of ways to kill her too I beat my dog, hated that dog ...

I just want to start by saying kudo's to you "ilovemy2ds" for coming out with such a personal and heartbreaking story so she could relate to someone having hard times. I saw this go un-noticed; and I want to say that I think it's mighty big and mighty brave of you to unbury your past horrors for someone else's gain. s:

Originally Posted by brenlo3

So, they moved out together and the girlfriend was apparently abusive and would hit her etc.. Well, my niece did all this stealing during the time her girlfriend livid in the house.....

I think this is a major red flag here. If I had to guess, I'd say she was probably being pushed by the girlfriend to come up with the money somehow to pay their rent; and this was her easiest avenue and she was protecting herself. She probably thought that because it was her mother she was taking from, that she'd be understood as to the reason why. I'd also have to say that her lack of remorse could be learned from her girlfriend's lack of remorse for deeply hurting HER. These are just my theories.

Originally Posted by brenlo3

...My niece is in College and works part time. My sister said , sheis paying the creditcard back but thats all.

While I definitly think it's important that she be held responsible for the rest of the debt; perhaps it would be a good idea (and one where she'd see she's still loved) if it was presented to her that she could pay back the money after she's done school, in payments.

But that has to be part of a bigger plan. So here's my idea:

You do a little bit of research and find out what kind of supports are available to you for reinforcing your plan. Find a neutral setting with someone monitoring for your safety and hers (and one where she can't just run off and cut); and sit down with her face to face. My idea here would be the police station, they could bring her in, you could meet her there. Tell her calmly that you've prepared something for her to listen to, and you want her to listen through or you're walking out and pressing charges against her.

Tell her she's got two choices. She can either commit on paper to a re-payment plan that will begin as soon as she's out of school. It is to cover the entire debt, including the credit card. She also has to agree to see a therapist or counsellor to sort through her problems and deal with the cutting. Make sure she understands that you can see she has alot of hurt to work through, and while you're there for her, you don't have the tools to help her sort out her emotions. If you want, you can either agree to pay for this, or you can add it to her debt to repay you. She must continue her schooling. She's welcome to continue living in the house.

Her second choice is for you to press charges. Make sure that she's well aware that she'll be seeing a councillor in prison. It should also be noted that this will be a criminal record that will make it harder for her to get a job when she's done school. *I just lost my train of thought because I had to make my baby some food...I think you can see where I'm going with this*

At least that would let her choose her fate and you wouldn't have to feel guilty.

The other option would be to have her committed the next time she cuts. That's hard, but she really desperately needs help to sort through it all. Maybe even try this first.

Good luck!

[Blu Razzberri]

By the way, I'm not subbing to this thread, so if anyone has any questions or comments for me, feel free to PM or Email me.

[Bartock]

[QUOTE=Blu Razzberri;6775151]I just want to start by saying kudo's to you "ilovemy2ds" for coming out with such a personal and heartbreaking story so she could relate to someone having hard times. I saw this go un-noticed; and I want to say that I think it's mighty big and mighty brave of you to unbury your past horrors for someone else's gain. s:



Thank you very much I try to use what happened to me as, well I don't know how to word it right, but not as "poor me" But helping others when needed. It also makes me feel better and stronger when I share what happened.

[brenlo3]

Thank you all for your thoughts, support and ideas, and personal experiences. One of the problems right now is my sis and I , think she's seeing her ex again. After she came back home (or during the whole process), she wrote her mother a letter saying she wasn't gay it was just an experience.(which I think she thinks is what her mother wanted to here: and I must admit my sister is ultra conservative and miught be true.)

They both lived in my dad's house and during that time were stealing and buying cel phones, computers lap tops etc... Then moved out together, and then they pretended to be the bank and phoned my sis to say there were problems with her account, (which is probably why they moved out first), my sis went to the bank, at the same time my niece phoned my dad on the cel phone and my dad said her mom was in the bank , my niece hung up the phone. When my sister came out she tried to call her daughter at her "new place" and they wouldn't answer , my sister went to there house and they wouldn't answer the phone. I'm not sure what happened next, I beleive the letter,(which I haven't read).

Now, we think she might be seeing her again because all of a sudden she's "up", on a diet, going to the library, working a lot more hours (especially on fridays and Sat. nights) , and going to work very well groomed and smelling good, and coming home late and very happy.

One day my daughter was on my computer and she somehow got logged on in a 3 way conversation with my niece and someone my niece was talking to. My daughter finally said "Do you know who you're talking to?" when my niece found out it was my 9 yr. old she told her not to tell anyone and the gril she was talking to was a friend from school. I came in and asked my daughter who she was talking to , she kinda tried to close the window when I walked in and I smelled something was wrong. So, I read it.

She keeps telling us about two friends at school ( one works where she does). I think the second girl is her ex and using that fake name so when they're online etc... my sis won't know it's her ex. I'm so afraid that if she's back with that ex (whom I've never met) my sister won't recover from that. My niece probably won't either since it was an abusive relationship. I don't beleive that you can use the excuse that it was her ex's fault, if someone wanted me to steal , well from anyone I'd say no way. We were raised to respect other people and work hard for what we want, I'm so sad for my sis, she loves her daughter so, so much.

[editmom]

I am in agreement with about everyone here. I have had issues with adult son on drugs with a mental illness try similar things though less severe. I also had a niece who stole a lot of money from us. I took her to court and she did pay most of it back. Momma, Yes it's hard but I would be having a conversation with the police. I would also ask if a person from child Protective services could speak with you as a favor to look at what works for younger kids.

Is there an indication that girlfriend has forced her into this behavior? DRUGS are a big issue. Good luck, I wish in retrospect that I had hauled out the big treatments with my son as he had a lot of issues. He had to be held accountable and wasn't until he broke the law with other people.

[sunnysideup]

Originally Posted by BelgianSheepDog

And never call the police if what you want is a psychiatrist.

This sounds like a very troubled girl. I would get her some serious help *now.*

[Meg Murry.]

Originally Posted by brenlo3

My daughter took out a second ATM card for my account (without me knowing) and wiped out my life savings, took out my salary , leaving just enough to cover my cheques , racked up my credit card to capacity, and took out a major creditcard and racked it up, crashed her grandfathers new car and stole items from my sister and nephew and sold them including a video camara. I'm a single mother and have given my life to her, never went out , worked and lived for her, taught her to be a good person and I just can't beleive this has happened.

I'm numb, I can't feel, I'm destroyed and violated and torn!!She left to live on her own (now I know I was paying for that), and fought with her friend and needed to come back home (this is after I found all of this out)., now she's here and if I ask her any questions she says "I feel like I'm being interrogated." She is not sorry , isn't paying me back and doesn't feel remorseful. I feel like I can't trust her and don't ask her anything because I know she will tell me a lie.

She is cutting herself and I think it's her way of scaring me and controlling me. (if I punish her for her actions she'll hurt herself.)

I don't know what to do to make her take responsibility for what she has done to me. I have nothing, I saved for 15 years and now I have nothing!!
I feel heart broken someone I love so much could do this to me.

Please tell me what I need to do ? I can't see the forest through the trees and I'm scared she'll hurt herself!!

Sincerely, brenlo3's sister

brenlo3 told me about you mamas and suggested I post here.:

Personally? I would call the police. I would also be bringing action against the bank for allowing someone else -- anyone, period -- to take out money from my account without my knowledge. Frankly, I think that's your best bet for getting your money back.

[thismama]

I'm talking to my friend right now about this. Her brother did the same thing to their parents... stole $30,000 from them that they were going to use to buy a house.

Her parents did nothing. My friend thinks they felt guilty... the family had a lot of problems, and she feels like her brother was doing it for some kind of revenge, to express his rage about what had happened in the family. Her father was out all the time men, and her mother was drinking constantly, during their childhood.

She hypothesizes that in your situation, either something really bad has happened that your daughter is expressing rage about, or maybe you have been a pushover and your daughter is overly entitled/narcissistic and feels like she can do whatever she wants to you without consequence.

I have no idea if either of those things are true, but just throwing them out there.

My friend says her parents did nothing, they sort of figured, well it's too late, the money is gone. They saw it as maybe some sort of payback, and tried to continue on from there with their son.

A few years later both parents were dead, and my friend is very glad the family did not burst apart over her brother's behaviour.

He never paid back the money tho, and later after my friend's father had died and her mother was living in poverty, he would loan the mother small amounts of money and expect it back.

I am thinking of whoever said, "You either need to call the cops or let it go." I think that might be true.

to you.

[MysteryMama]

you have a kinder heart than i do. if my child ever wipes out my life savings and everything else that your dd has done to you, i will cut him out of my life forever. or at least for a very long time, like years.