Spirited 3.5 yo-Advice needed

[june'smom]

Ok, dd is 3.5 and has always been a high needs kids. No one else can tie her shoes, help her to the bathroom, put on her coat... You get the idea. That has always been the case. I couldn't leave her with anyone until she was over 2 without her screaming almost the whole time. Which was really difficult since I am a full time student and I have been her whole life.

We get lots of time together, ds plays pretty well by himself. She adores her brother, I really don't think it is rivalry. Her meals are regular, her bed time is before 8 every night. I am just at a loss.

Today, we started the day with a fit about who would get her dressed, couldn't be papa. I was trying to get my school stuff together (it is my last day of classes for the semester) and brush my teeth, etc.. and she just wouldn't let dh do anything. He couldn't get her breakfast, or put her coat or shoes on her. Then she was super good while I was in class (2hrs). When we got home she wouldn't go pee, so she had an accident. She pees about half of her pee in her underwear, then tells me she has to pee. If I try to take her to the bathroom before that happens, she kicks and screams and yells. AND won't pee.

Today I just lost it and put a diaper on her, which caused a major tantrum. She then went upstairs and took the diaper off. She is too old for me to force that, I think. I can't glue it on, yk. Then she had another accident when MIL was watching her while I studied for finals. MIL asked her several times to go pee, each time she said no.

Then the cherry on top of my day was at bedtime. My dh works until 7:15. We only have one car and the bus system sucks, so we pick him up. The kids are always tired by then. We go get him in pajamas, after bath and the whole bedtime routine, but not in diapers yet. She will only sleep in sposies, so we wait until she is actually going to bed so we waste less of them. Tonight ds was falling asleep in the car and I had to nurse him when we got home. DD flipped out when dh tried to put her diaper on. Thrashing, kicking, yelling, almost throwing up she was so upset. We weren't mad or yelling, but firmly telling her that dh had to do it. It ended with me pinning her top down with my leg and dh wrestling the diaper on her. I was just about in tears by the end of it.

I can't do everything anymore. I can't take care of myself and ds and her. Dh needs to be able to help her. period. How do I make that happen. He is a great father. Much more patient than I am, really. He doesn't yell, or hit or threaten. She adores him when they are playing, but anything NEEDS to happen and it has to be me. WHy is she doing this?

And how in the heck do I deal with the peeing issue? Can I force her to wear a cloth diaper? Help me deal with this child before I go crazy!:

[Magella]

I recently went through a similar peeing issue with my little one who turns 3 in a few days. She's a real strong-willed little girl, very independent and spirited. She'd wait for too long to go pee, then stand there unable to move and dribble in her pants then if we told her to go potty she'd refuse. We'd keep telling her, she'd keep refusing until she peed in her pants. She was wetting her pants multiple times a day. I was tired of washing so many of her clothes, it was really piling up, so I kept trying to get her to go to the potty. She didn't want to be told when to go potty. It was a power struggle.

Finally, I just stopped reminding her. Stopped making an issue of it, stopped trying to push her to get to the potty, just let it go. She'd be there squeezing her legs together unable to move, and she'd say "mommy" in that strained "I'm desperately trying not to pee" voice. And I'd say "what?" And she'd say "I'm peeing." And I'd say "oh." And after a couple of minutes she'd go to the potty. It took maybe a week or so, and then she stopped wetting her pants. Mostly. She still gets too busy to get there in time sometimes and dribbles in her pants a bit-this is normal/age-appropriate, went through it with my older two kids also. It passes. I still ignore it.

I wish I had advice for you about getting her to let dh help her. Maybe more alone time with him? If that's possible?

[june'smom]

Well, she does get a few hours alone with him 5 days a week. She is awsome for him alone. It is only when we are together that she is difficult. Lots of the stuff that she wants only me to do when dh is there she will do by herself when it is only me.

Thanks for the advice on the peeing. Today has been much better. I guess I had the realization that I couldn't force her to do it yesterday. I can't make her keep a diaper on. I think knowing that she won the power struggle has helped. I am going to try and let it go more. Like you said, it is when she thinks she will get in trouble for it that she doesn't want to go to the potty. I just hope she gets over it soon...

[MaWhit]

Perhaps giving her more power might help. At 3.5 she could be dressing herself (get velcro shoes and warm ponchos) and taking responsibility for all her potty needs (other than wiping after BMs). She could even learn tp put on her own nighttime diaper. More power in the general mindane areas of life might make her more willing to give up power when it matters.

You might want to check out Kurcinka's Kids, Parent, and Power Struggles as well.

[mamaduck]

We go through this too -- the funny thing is, that over the years, the parent of preference switches. There have been some periods of time where each of them wanted only DH. Then I felt bad! Can't win.

Anyway, some little things helped. I'll explain with examples.

- "Daddy will help with bath, then mommy will help with teeth." or "Daddy will do the diaper, then mommy will do a story." or whatever set of options you can give.

- Taking turns - "Its Daddy's night. Tomorrow is my night."

- Assigned tasks. Daddy always does the diaper. Mommy always does the story.

As far as potty issues -- It helped with both of my kids to have a potty schedule. We always go potty when we wake up, at lunchtime, at dinnertime, and at bedtime. "Oops? What do you mean, "no." Its time! We always go potty at this time!" Its amazing how likely they are to go along with something just because "its time." But then I left them completely alone about the issue the rest of the day.