how to help a friend?

[themamamama]

I have a group of online friends who have pretty disparate parenting styles. One of the very mainstream moms there has been talking about her discipline problems with her 6-year-old, who sounds very spirited. It sounds like this mama is open to trying new things, but I think she's never heard of responding to "bad" behavior with anything but punishment. She's talked about washing her DD's mouth out with soap, timeouts, and spanking. She sees that these aren't working, but thinks she just needs to "crack the whip" more and that her DD is a "spoiled brat."

My heart is hurting for this little girl and I want to help. I also like her mama and really believe she is trying and just doesn't know that there's another option. So, here's my problem. She's a mother of three, and I have just the one laidback 15-month-old, who isn't exactly a discipline challenge yet. I certainly can't claim to have experience with what she's dealing with. I'm also just beginning my own GD journey -- I've done very little reading so far, so I can't recommend books I've read either. I told her I'd heard good things about How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen & Listen So Your Kids Will Talk, but I haven't read it myself.

Can anyone offer ways to approach her that won't scare her off, or make her feel attacked, or sound silly coming from a mama with much less experience than she has? I thought about directing her here, but she's so mainstream that I think she'd be put off by the crunchiness and disregard any advice from here.

Thanks for listening. It helps just to talk about it.

[geek_the_girl]

Subbing.
I have a VERY spirited four year old...I cant imagine having another two on top of it.
All I can say is that you are lucky to have a laid back kiddo....

[NotTheOnlyOne]

this probably wont help much, as her children are already much older....

I have a friend who is due in January. She was reading books like Babywise and 12 hours (of sleep) by 12 weeks. I about fainted when she called to recommend the last one to ME to help with MY ds. I took her over a bunch of diapers and clothes that my ds had outgrown and I threw in a Dr. Sears Baby Book saying that I had gotten 2 of them for my baby shower and I really really liked it... so I wanted to give one to her. I didnt say anything about the contents of ANY of the books, just that I liked the one I had read. In all honesty I went out and bought it for her the second I found out she was reading the other ones. She gets to make the decision, as she's the mom to HER baby, but I wanted her to at least have access to other sides. Maybe you could do domething similair? Say your brother/cousin/aunt read so-and-such book and was telling you all about it and it made you think of her problems....

Isnt there a GD book about "The Spirited Child?"

[zeldamomma]

Mary Sheedy Kurcinka wrote "Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, Energetic". I came from a pretty traditional approach to discipline, and if my oldest weren't spirited, I would probably still be using traditional techniques. I think Kurcinka's books are well-written for parents who aren't naturally drawn to GD.

I recommended the book to a friend with a very punitive/obedience approach to discipline that just wasn't working with her spirited kid, and she still thanks me.

If she's asking for advice, there's no harm in suggesting a book you've heard good things about, is there?

ZM

[Hippiemommie]

I would go to a second hand store pick up a few good books and say that these were passed to you from another Mom who said they saved her sanity and helped her little one. Ask her if she is interested

[themamamama]

Thanks for the replies. I'll try suggesting this book...

Originally Posted by zeldamomma

Mary Sheedy Kurcinka wrote "Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, Energetic".

That sounds like exactly what she needs.