"Is she cuter than me?"

[Fiestabeth]

So, I'm in a craft store the other day. I was just standing around waiting for my mom, and my older dd was a few feet away reading books, and younger dd (2) was skipping and jumping around me.

This lady walks by with her dd (about 4) and ds (about 6), takes a look at my dd and says, "Look at that cute little girl!" Her dd gets a little upset and says, "Is she cuter than ME?"

The lady looked at me and sort of laughed a little, then turns to her dd and says, "No, she's not cuter than you. You don't have to worry about THAT!" Totally loud enough for us, and anyone else, to hear.

: Glad my dd isn't old enough to even understand what was being said, and my older dd was not paying attention!

I understand the need to reinforce her dd's self image, but to put someone else down in the process. Okay....

[tiffer23]

Hmm. I think I'd have said "She's just as cute to her mommy as you are to me!"

Sounds like the little girl might get lots of "you're pretty" comments and nothing else (like about being smart or creative, etc.).

[Fiestabeth]

Exactly. I would have said something similar, or lightheartedly said, "You're both cute, of course." Or something. It just seemed rude, IMO.

[blessed]

I just got the impression that she was reassuring her little girl 'don't worry - no one is as special (pretty, cute, smart, whatever) to me as you are'.

I thought that was why she smiled at you before she said it.

[Fiestabeth]

It was actually more like nervous laughter. (I thought - I could have interpreted it incorrectly.)

[crunchy_mama]

I would find that rude and sad.

[WNB]

Originally Posted by Fiestabeth

...
I understand the need to reinforce her dd's self image, but to put someone else down in the process. Okay....

I don't really see how your DD was put down by her comment, but maybe it was in the tone of voice which, of course, doesn't translate to text.

Don't sweat the small stuff. Do you really care, or think your daughter would care, if someone were "cuter" than she? Because it's almost a given that there IS someone out there who's cuter. If you think something like this would bug your daughter, maybe work on helping her understand the value of being able to do things, and know things, and being funny, and being able to sing or dance or write beautiful poems or build cool things with Lego - so when she meets the more cute person, they just decide to find something fun to do together instead of huddling off in their corners, competitively primping their makeup and hair.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

I think she was just trying to reassure her daughter and in the heat of the moment didn't have time to figure out the perfect thing to say and probably did the best that she could.

[oceanbaby]

Originally Posted by BellinghamCrunchie

I think she was just trying to reassure her daughter and in the heat of the moment didn't have time to figure out the perfect thing to say and probably did the best that she could.

That's what I was thinking.

[Fiestabeth]

Originally Posted by WNB

I don't really see how your DD was put down by her comment, but maybe it was in the tone of voice which, of course, doesn't translate to text.

Don't sweat the small stuff. Do you really care, or think your daughter would care, if someone were "cuter" than she? Because it's almost a given that there IS someone out there who's cuter. If you think something like this would bug your daughter, maybe work on helping her understand the value of being able to do things, and know things, and being funny, and being able to sing or dance or write beautiful poems or build cool things with Lego - so when she meets the more cute person, they just decide to find something fun to do together instead of huddling off in their corners, competitively primping their makeup and hair.

THAT'S my whole point. I don't care at all who's cuter - it was the fact that a total stranger was comparing her dd to mine and making a negative comment about mine in the process. I DON'T encourage or facilitate these negative, competitive attitudes to my girls, and simply didn't appreciate someone else doing it.

[famousmockngbrd]

Originally Posted by WNB

If you think something like this would bug your daughter, maybe work on helping her understand the value of being able to do things, and know things, and being funny, and being able to sing or dance or write beautiful poems or build cool things with Lego - so when she meets the more cute person, they just decide to find something fun to do together instead of huddling off in their corners, competitively primping their makeup and hair.

I agree with this, except I don't think there is anything wrong with telling your kids they are cute if you think they are. There will always be someone out there who is funnier, better at Legos, smarter, etc. too - best to just promote a general spirit of non-comparison, IYKWIM.

OP, I can see how you took it as a putdown but it isn't inherently one, unless there was some tone of voice that we're missing, like WNB said. She didn't say her DD was cuter, she said your DD is NOT cuter, which doesn't necessarily mean less cute, it could mean equally cute.

[Fiestabeth]

Yes, there was definitely a tone of voice that doesn't translate to text. And I do support a general spirit of non-competitiveness. That's why it bugged me.

[famousmockngbrd]

Originally Posted by Fiestabeth

Yes, there was definitely a tone of voice that doesn't translate to text. And I do support a general spirit of non-competitiveness. That's why it bugged me.

I understand - I was responding more to WNB's post about how it's better to focus on a child's abilities rather than their looks.

ETA - You were just an innocent bystander, as far as I can see! She was the one who made all the comments, you don't have anything to feel bad about. ut I can see how it would bug you. Personally I hate it when people talk about how cute DD is and make a big deal out of her and totally ignore DS! He's pretty cute too, you know!

[Mamma Christi]

Originally Posted by tiffer23

Hmm. I think I'd have said "She's just as cute to her mommy as you are to me!"

I would have tried to say something like that as well. You said she had a tone of voice, I'm assuming by the post that the tone made it definitely sound like she was trying to make her daughter feel superior to you both. Am I assuming right or just ASSuming? . If I had a daughter I would, of course, tell her she was cute...but I would never do it if it put someone else down in the process...and I'd make sure she had other kinds of affirmation about her personality

[flyingspaghettimama]

Hmm, and the message this little girl is getting becomes so very unattractive when she gets a little older. She obviously feels jealous and competitive already to ask her mom, "Is she cuter than ME."

There was a girl my daughter had an art camp with who insisted that she was the prettiest girl in the world, because her daddy said so. She had the most beautiful art of anyone in the class, because her mommy said so. She had the cutest clothes, because her daddy said so. She knew how to draw before anyone else, because her mommy said so. She was the smartest girl ever, because her grandma said so.

The behavior was perceived in a very hostile way by the other children, and she didn't have any friends by the end of the week. It was totally sad. I'm still not sure if she realized how it sounded, or if she was that deeply insecure, or what. She was a total praise junky, and even the teacher had a hard time feeding that insecurity (first created by her parents), with enough compliments and attention.

[kirei]

Originally Posted by BellinghamCrunchie

I think she was just trying to reassure her daughter and in the heat of the moment didn't have time to figure out the perfect thing to say and probably did the best that she could.

That was my thought too.

[Fiestabeth]

Originally Posted by Pyratekk

I would have tried to say something like that as well. You said she had a tone of voice, I'm assuming by the post that the tone made it definitely sound like she was trying to make her daughter feel superior to you both. Am I assuming right or just ASSuming? . If I had a daughter I would, of course, tell her she was cute...but I would never do it if it put someone else down in the process...and I'd make sure she had other kinds of affirmation about her personality

You are assuming correctly. Her tone and just the way she said it were very off-putting to me.

Originally Posted by flyingspaghettimama

Hmm, and the message this little girl is getting becomes so very unattractive when she gets a little older. She obviously feels jealous and competitive already to ask her mom, "Is she cuter than ME."

That's the thought that went through my head - how insecure is this little girl to immediately jump to the conclusion that her mom might think some other little girl was cuter than her? Sad.

[Daffodil]

You know, that doesn't really sound like a put-down to me. Saying your DD isn't cuter than hers isn't the same thing as saying she's LESS cute. Maybe she just meant they were both equally cute. (Though, as others have said, she probably didn't spend a lot of time thinking through all the implications of what she said and how it might come across to everyone else.) I could see myself saying something like that and having no clue that it might come across as rude and insulting.

ETA: And the whole thing started with the woman commenting on how cute your DD was! Loudly enough for you to hear. I guess maybe you had to hear the tone of voice, but it just doesn't sound mean-spirited to me at all.

[sunnmama]

Originally Posted by Daffodil

ETA: And the whole thing started with the woman commenting on how cute your DD was! Loudly enough for you to hear. I guess maybe you had to hear the tone of voice, but it just doesn't sound mean-spirited to me at all.

I tend to agree....although tone can mean a lot.

FTR, my dd went thru a competitive stage at 4, and was into comparing herself to her peers. Who is cuter, who is faster, who is the best artist.....she was always wanting to be the "est". That isn't something we fed at home--she is not a praise junky at all. It was just a phase, and it passed. I talked to her a lot, at the time, about how I thought my child was the "est", and the other mamas thought their dc were the "est", and that is how it is supposed to be! Isn't it wonderful that all mamas think their dc is the "est" .

[talk de jour]

Originally Posted by Daffodil

You know, that doesn't really sound like a put-down to me. Saying your DD isn't cuter than hers isn't the same thing as saying she's LESS cute. Maybe she just meant they were both equally cute. (Though, as others have said, she probably didn't spend a lot of time thinking through all the implications of what she said and how it might come across to everyone else.) I could see myself saying something like that and having no clue that it might come across as rude and insulting.

ETA: And the whole thing started with the woman commenting on how cute your DD was! Loudly enough for you to hear. I guess maybe you had to hear the tone of voice, but it just doesn't sound mean-spirited to me at all.

: ITA with this post.