Help--I said something awful to 4.5 dd.

[Mountaingirl3]

First of all, we subscribe to GD wholeheartedly. I've read Positive Discipline, Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline, Kids are Worth it, Raising Your Spirited Child, The Discipline Book, and Everyday Blessings. My favorites are Playful Parenting and Kids, Parents and Power Struggles.

We have three kids, 6, 4.5 and 1.5. I think they all feel very loved, significant etc. I spend at least an hour a day with each one (which is hard to do, but we have a babysitter).

The problem is that I keep thinking the middle child, 4.5 dd, is going to outgrow toddler-type-low-impulse-control behavior, but she has not. I can deal positively with a lot of things: no cooporation with dressing herself, not picking up toys, squabbles with siblings, resistant to eating anything but carbs etc. But destruction, I have much more trouble with. Left alone for more than 30 seconds, she: pulls all the wipes out of the wipes box, smears aquaphor on the bathroom mirror, puts shampoo on her brother's head, eats my chapstick, wrecks my lipstick, drinks saline solution (for baby's nose), gets lotion on the floor, etc.

Yesterday, she wrote on our beautiful leather couch with a felt tip pen. It won't come out. Dh always wanted a leather couch and we saved up. I was furious, but handled it pretty well. I took her up to her room and told her that we would talk when I calmed down. I went back in and explained (for the millionth time) about taking care of the nice things our family is lucky enough to have. I asked her how we could solve this problem, but the only thing she came up with was for me to "be with her all the time". It's very hard to keep all writing instruments out of her reach as she is an accomplished climber and detective. I let her know how much I love her, even when I'm angry etc. We snuggled and read books, and she claimed that she wouldn't write on the couch again.

Today I tried to spend a few minutes wrapping Christmas things. Ten minutes later, she had found a lipstick and ruined it, taken apart dh's afrin bottle and spilled out the gel, and chewed a few new holes in her clothes.
She chews little holes in her clothes all the time.

I lost it and told her that she wasn't going to get any Christmas presents because we would need to spend the money replacing everything she ruins. : What do I do now? I'm discouraged and sad and guilty.

Dd is smart, affectionate, coordinated, assertive. Her preschool teachers love her (although they notice that she needs "redirecting" and is extremely sensory--always tasting, smelling, touching everything).

Any thoughts welcome, please.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

I think for your own sanity it would be useful to consider her as still a toddler, albeit a taller one with better fine motor skills, and try to toddler-proof everything. Based on the information in your post, and this is only my opinion, but her sensory needs/impulse control issues may be closer to special needs than to typical 4.5 year old behavior.

It might help to try and satisfy her sensory needs by providing a variety of sensory activities daily, including gross motor and vestibular motor stimulation.

Some sensory activities you could set aside some time to do with her might include:

Swinging her in a blanket.
Rolling her up in a blanket like a burrito (if she likes it).
Pulling her around the floor on a towel or blanket.
"Smells" box - small bottles of various smells from the kitchen or wherever (cinnamon, vanilla, etc. I found a set of 18 fragrant oils on ebay for $17.00 for our DD if you want to get more elaborate).
Twisting her up while sitting in a swing, then let her spin.
Rollerskate by pulling her along (we got some cheap kids rollerskates again on ebay).
Foam paints or shaving cream with food coloring on the table or window.


Some sensory activities you might have available to her to be directed to when she is having difficulty:

Playdoh.
One of those bouncing balls you sit on with a handle.
Mini-trampoline, especially with music with a beat.
Cooked cooled spaghetti in a tub.
Big container of dried beans.
Cornstarch and water.


I think all of us get so frustrated at times that we might say something like NO CHRISTMAS FOR YOU!!! Be gentle on yourself. You're really having to deal with some difficult behaviors right now. Everyone has their breaking point.

[mamaduck]

I think its appropriate to tell her that you were speaking out of anger, and that you regret it, and still plan for her to have presents at Christmas. As long as you are very clear about what happened, and your feelings, I think its okay to do this once in a blue moon, kwim?

Sensory activities are important.

Also -- I would not let her out of your sight for awhile. Other posters with destructive kids have posted having some success with the strategy of keeping the child by their side constantly, stuck to you like glue, for a period of time (weeks?) and coaching her about resisting her impulses. Then gradually start giving her more freedom when you feel she can handle it.

[Mountaingirl3]

Thank you, bellingham and mamaduck! I really needed your calm, helpful words today.

Toddler-proofing and stuck-like-glue are very good, immediate fixes. Something I can start right away that will work.

All those sensory activities will be great for channeling her towards non-destructive touchy-smelly-tastey play. We do play-doh (she sucks and eats it) and hippity-hops, but that's it. The list is great!

As far as special-needs, any ideas on whether we should have her evaluated? A friend suggested that, but she doesn't have any background other than that her dd would NEVER do the things ours does. Her teachers thinks she's in normal range as does her ped. Luckily, we're able to send her to an awesome mixed-age experiential school until she's six.

[rmzbm]

I would also apologize and let her know you spoke out of anger. Don't be too hard on yourself, mama - what you did wasn't TERRIBLE by any means, you were (rightly) upset.

I second the advise of sticking extra close to her & becoming her shadow.

Good luck!

[georgia]

I really enjoyed The Out of Synch Child Has Fun for really cool activities/ideas for meeting different types of sensory needs...I think it's a great book for all children

[oceanbaby]

I think its appropriate to tell her that you were speaking out of anger, and that you regret it, and still plan for her to have presents at Christmas. As long as you are very clear about what happened, and your feelings, I think its okay to do this once in a blue moon, kwim?

That's what I was going to say. I have had to do this with ds. I have gotten myself caught in this downward spiral where I get really upset that he's not upset enough about what he did, so I find myself being way too dramatic (and sometimes downright mean) to try to get my point across. The few times it has happened I have apologized to him afterwards. The last time it happened, ds called me on it himself, which really hit deep. I think that may have finally cured me of it.

[LoveBeads]

It sounds like some sensory issues for sure (sensory seeking).

[mom22girls]

I have a dd who sounds similar (not quite so sensory) but has the kind of energy - and she climbs. I think children like ours can be especially difficult, because not only do you have to be with them all the time, you also have to be "on" all the time to keep them doing something CONstructive instead of DEstructive.

You got great advice - and I'm giving you my empathy and cyber support!!!

-H

[zipworth]

I have nothing to add except to say you sound like an excellent mother.

[nathansmum]

Gosh I can relate to the destructive side of things - maybe it is still in the nature of a 3.5yo (although none of my friends have a destructive child still) - that list of sensory activities is great, ds does thrive and gets a thrill out that type of thing.

What do sensory issues mean in the big picture?

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Originally Posted by nathansmum

What do sensory issues mean in the big picture?

Sometimes they are preludes to larger issues (such as AS disorders or ADHD or bipolar - but if so, there are usually other behaviors going on as well, or starting to become apparent).

I think some people have sensory systems that take longer to mature, neurologically. Every time a child with sensory issues engages in sensory play, she is doing a little bit to heal her sensory system. Over time and with adequate opportunities to engage in the stimulation she needs, the nervous system gets its needs met and matures. Most of the time when the child reaches puberty, the sensory issues are no longer apparent, or they have become "normal" hobbies or interests so they are not noticeable as sensory issues and instead are admired as talents (painting, sculpting, excelling at things like swimming, dancing, jogging, gymnastics, etc).

[Mountaingirl3]

These posts have helped me so much. I feel way more positive towards dd, and also have new strategies--a plan is helpful.

We did the dried beans thing and she absolutely loved it. I found different sizes, shapes and colors of beans and she spent hours pouring, sorting, filling, emptying . . . The stray beans vaccuumed right up.

We may be having more trouble than in the summer due to lack of swimming. (We swim in pools and the ocean everyday in the summer.) Going to put rec center pool on the activity list. This weekend we wrestled and she was so happy. I was so focused on getting her to stop the destructive behaviors instead of preventing them by providing alternatives.

Really can't thank you guys enough for making me feel like a good mom etc.

[Bartock]

If it makes you feel any better I was bad and told my DS yesterday out of anger that Santa does not bring presents to children who won't listen. I fell like such a . That was horrable of me, he has been acting up and pushing my buttons the last few days. I totally felt like my mom after I said that, not good.

[nathansmum]

Originally Posted by Mountaingirl3

We may be having more trouble than in the summer due to lack of swimming. (We swim in pools and the ocean everyday in the summer.) Going to put rec center pool on the activity list. This weekend we wrestled and she was so happy. I was so focused on getting her to stop the destructive behaviors instead of preventing them by providing alternatives

Some good indoor things that my ds loves is taking all the couch cushions off and stacking them, jumping, belly flopping onto them, wrestling on them. He loves piggyback rides (getting kind of heavy for me to do that with him though, so that's dadda's job), being dragged around on a mat (and being rolled up in one, think he likes the squished feeling!?) - of course all of these things require a higher energy level out of me lol.

[townmouse]

OP, you said she won't eat anything but carbs...have you looked for a food connection? Maybe a gluten problem or another sort of allergy?

(my 4 sons and I all have celiac disease, and behavior things can really go along with it so I always think of food issues first)

[Mizelenius]

I clicked on this thread to read if you said something worse than some of the things I've said to my DD . . .good gracious, NO. mama.

[MaWhit]

The sensory issues and behavior could easily be linked to food sensitivities, and based on this:

resistant to eating anything but carbs

I'd suspect wheat or gluten.


My younger two have Celiac and it absolutely has a behavioral component. And my DS is out of control when he has soy.

[Mountaingirl3]

Originally Posted by ilovemy2ds

If it makes you feel any better I was bad and told my DS yesterday out of anger that Santa does not bring presents to children who won't listen. I fell like such a . That was horrable of me, he has been acting up and pushing my buttons the last few days. I totally felt like my mom after I said that, not good.

Oh, honey, I know how you feel . He'll forgive you, though! My line is, "Even mommies make mistakes!"

[Mountaingirl3]

Originally Posted by townmouse

OP, you said she won't eat anything but carbs...have you looked for a food connection? Maybe a gluten problem or another sort of allergy?

(my 4 sons and I all have celiac disease, and behavior things can really go along with it so I always think of food issues first)

Would a gluten allergy make her want to eat pasta all the time? (At least it's whole wheat pasta, but maybe we should switch to brown rice or spelt pasta?)