When do you get professional help?

[annab]

I have a son who will be 5 in March. He is a Spirited Child through and through--intense, persistent, energetic, perceptive. The good days are amazing, and the bad ones are disastrous.

We have had about two years of trying to help him learn to be more respectful. We get a lot of "I don't have to if I don't want to" and it is spilling over to other adults, like grandparents and preschool. As his teacher said, "He is such an amazing little boy. You don't want people to remember the bad behavior."

The biggest hurdle for him is his intensity. He explodes when he is frustrated; he is resistent to any adult direction. I swear that his back talk is reflexive. I think he shoots back before he even registers what has been asked of him. If we can get him to manage the intensity, I think that will eliminate the disrespect. People who are in control of their emotions aren't argumentative or fit throwers. They can approach conflict calmly and rationally.

I will admit that some of this comes from me both in genetics and modeling. I have been working very hard to remain calm at all times. No door slamming and yelling. After spending a day with someone who disagrees with every word that comes out of your mouth, it is hard for to remain the image of peace. I have done much better at my handling of things, especially at the end of the day when I am just freaking fed up.

DH is ready for counseling for him, and I feel like if I step up my efforts with him, we can turn the corner. I said that we have been dealing with this for two years, but in that time, there has been age appropriate progress. He is no longer physical with his anger--no hitting, kicking, etc. like he did when he was younger.

I just don't know what else to do to help him manage his little volcanic self.

[Cherie2]

There is nothing wrong with starting now, sometimes it takes a while to find a therapist that you all click with, but finding someone for the whole family is essential. It may be that your ds is not diagnosable at all but some guidance and somebody to bounce things off of and just having a non-involved,trained and sympathetic ear can really be helpful.

[LoveBeads]

I don't think anyone can really answer this one for you because it's hard to know what you are dealing with on a daily basis.

I would do it as a last resort but perhaps that is where you are. Not because I don't believe in it (I'm in a graduate counseling program myself) but I just think with kids it is not something that they are doing voluntarily and it is not as effective as it will be for somebody who is really trying to learn and change. The scenario I would try to prevent is sending a child to therapy, having them resent it, and being turned off of going as an adult.

But if you are at the end of your rope then that's a different story.

[heartmama]

DH is ready for counseling for him, and I feel like if I step up my efforts with him, we can turn the corner. I said that we have been dealing with this for two years, but in that time, there has been age appropriate progress. He is no longer physical with his anger--no hitting, kicking, etc. like he did when he was younger.

It is so hard to give feedback like this online~but based on what you are saying here, I would consider this very positive, significant progress. Whatever you are doing is working. Not working immediately ,but working over the long term.

For me personally the usual sort of counseling would be a very last resort.

My own personal belief is that 7 is a transformational age, and before that point, a great deal of behavior can persist that will not, for various reasons, persist with intensity past the age of about 7. I have seen this borne out time and again with many children. One reason that we homeschooled was so ds could have time he needed to mature unhurried during those early years. I don't know if this applies to you. However if you are seeing progress that is age appropriate, I personally would find that very encouraging

[annab]

I also think it should be a last resort. I had not thought of it turning him off later in life. Truth be told, I think he would LOVE it. When anyone has him one-on-one, he is a dream. Having a whole hour to have an adult to himself...an adult whose job is to listen (also quite the extrovert, he is)??? It would be his idea of heaven.

I don't think that he is 'diagnosable'. Her certainly is not ODD, ADD or any of he other options in the pschyo-social alphabet soup.

I like what you say about 7 being a turning point. I have heard that from several other moms, but not really in this context.

That helps put it in perspective. DH and I both just have to remember that EVERY moment is a teaching moment. Whew--tiring.

[cpop]

I don't know anything about your particular situation, so take this as you will.
But I just want to say one thing about counseling.
I have seen numerous kids go into counseling for what are normal developmentally appropriate issues and then the counselors just pathologize the heck out of the situation, the kid gets labeled, ends up on medication, the parents get scared into thinking their child has serious mental/emotional issues and the whole thing just spirals out of control.
I think, in this country, we tend to overy rely on psychologists/psychiatrists in situations in which they are not really necessary.

On the other hand sometimes it is warranted and necessary (as I am fully cognizant since my brother is a schizophrenic) but just be wary and trust your instincts over the doctors.

FWIW it sounds to me like you guys are doing a great job and you should just keep at it.

[WuWei]

Here are some concrete suggestions from another thread that I posted on:

1. Fill love tank. See "The Five Love Languages for Children". The
author suggests that the five are: acts of service, physical touch,
gifts, affirmation, quality time. We generally value all; but there is
usually a primary 'love language' and each adult or child feels more
full of love, or empty of love, if their love language isn't being
"spoken" to them consistently, daily.

2. Eye contact when speaking with child.

3. Validation of feelings. The "How to Talk so Kids will Listen, How
to Listen so Kids will Talk" discusses pratical communication skills
for increasing the dialogue effectiveness.

4. "Siblings Without Rivalry" helps discuss allowing the "ugly"
feelings about a sibling or situation to be voiced and validated. This
helps the child work through them so that he can move away from
carrying them alone. And then he can gain perspective once these are
not such a heavy burden.

5. "The Explosive Child" discusses 'picking your battles'. Basically,
it has a "Basket" criteria of degrees of battle. Basket "A" is safety
issues. These are critical to health and worth making an issue over.
Basket "C" are little things that won't matter tomorrow, next week or
next month. These are ignored and dealt with without creating an
issue/battle or power struggle.

Basket "B" are the important but negotiable items which need buy-in.
Most things are here. But the issue is to determine 'Is this critical
to the family's happiness *today* to create a power struggle?' What
other ways can this issue be tackled together as a team?

6. Food intolerances: dairy causes aggression in our son. We see his
behavior change about one hour after consumption and lasts 1-6 hours
depending on quantity consumed. Also, high fructose corn syrup (not
sugar), artificial colors: red and yellow. See "The Feingold Diet"
on-line.

7. 'Meet the underlying needs' is my mantra. Focus on working to solve
the need, rather than focusing on eliminating the behavior


I strongly and firstly recommend The Explosive Child for tools of
"choosing your battles". It can change the dynamics to just essential
safety issues, instead of having everything be a battle. I forgot
about high fructose corn syrup. Ds can NOT consume this at all without
reaction. Occasionally he does. Then, we all have a very tough several
hours. Eliminate this from your lives to the extent possible; it is in
everything. It is seriously associated with violent and aggressive
behaviors, ime.

Hope this additional info is helpful.

Pat

[annab]

CPOP, I think you are right about it becoming a bigger thing than it is. We are a medically skeptical family, so the minute there was a label, we would balk.

Pat--I have read all of those except Explosive Child. I will definitely pick that up. I had seen it mentioned several times when I was looking for info last night. One of the things that DH finds the most frustrating is that we have created such a 'yes' environment and there are not that many things that we say no to. But the minute we do...DS blows up at us.

We are pretty much a Feingold family. DS has dairy allergies which make him MANIC, so we don't allow that at all. We don't do the artificials (sweeteners, colors, flavors or preservatives). He gets re-tested tomorrow, so it will be interesting to see how far he has come in the two years since we started the therapy.

Off to request the book from the 'brary.