The sibling decision, ramble ramble

[BelgianSheepDog]

I'm reading books on onlies now, does anyone have recommendations for books on sibling relations and spacing?

I'm the oldest of two with an almost 7 year gap and my brother and I have gotten along quite well. DH is the older of two with a five year gap and he and his brother don't really like each other much. We both liked being onlies while it lasted but it's hard to say if that was because of problems in our families that came up after our little brothers arrived or what. (We were both shunted to a less favored position in the family and our brothers are "golden children" who can do no wrong.)

Baby is only 6 months right now but we're having such a hard time deciding we're doing research and discussing this a lot right now. Our original thought was to start ttc when she's about two but as her personality evolves I feel she needs more years of being the center of mama's attention than that. She's a kid who would probably be considered "high needs" if we weren't so totally all about her and doing AP. She is sensitive and very much a "mama's girl" even compared to other infants her age.

I don't know what to doooooo! /whine

I think about this so much I wouldn't be surprised if I posted this question before. :

[alegna]

Personally I like 3-ish years apart. Long enough to not mess with nursing. Close enough that they can be friends.

-Angela

[Lisa85]

Personally I don't think it really matters who much you space out your kids as far as how they get along goes. Dh is the oldest and is 7 years older than his brother and nearly 11 older than his sister. He gets along with his sister sooooo much better than his brother it isn't even funny. Everybody thought dh would be the one left out and his brother and sister would be the best of friends. Couldn't be further from the truth.

My sister and I are 16 month apart and we go in spurts. We either hated each other or were best of friends in elem/middle school, we were pretty good friends in hs, but I also had my moments where she completely got on my nerves. And now we have hardly anything in common. She's in college, and I have a 14mo dd and one on the way. She still gets on my nerves sometimes (what little sister doesn't), but rarely ever fight anymore and are still good friends.

I think it has more to do with maturity rate than age anyways. I didn't really need a wild party time, but every time I talk to her all I hear about is how drunk everyone got at the last party

[mommyofshmoo]

People seem to like about 3 years. We are 3 yrs 2 months and I like it.

Sibs getting along is not just spacing, it's also personality, and you can't plan that.

Also, my older dd was fairly high maintenance, sensitive, stanger phobic, etc. At 3 she turned a corner and is FINE without me now. We skipped preschool cuz she's so sensitive, but she'll be totally ready for kindy next year.

High needs babies do grow up eventually. They are still intense kids, but they don't cry whenever you leave the room forever.

[Peony]

I like 3-4 year spacings personally. My dd's are 3y and 10m apart, and I would not have them any closer. DD1 really needed that alone mommy time, she could not of handled it if DD2 came alone before then.

There is a great essay in Jan Hunt's book "the natural child" on 3ish year spacing, it really hit home for me.

[marlee]

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[Justmee]

:

I am also wondering about spacings. My first 2 are 10 minutes apart . Rivka is 17 months younger, and we are goign to TTC soon which would make Rivka & any baby over 2 years apart which to me seems like a "big" gap, just because it's more than the "typical" 2 years. We had to go to the US for 9 months or I prob. would have been TTC now and had Rivka & the baby around 2 years. Now it seems more like 2-1/2 to three years which seems like a big gap to me, but compared to here doesn't seem that big at all.

[wife&mommy]

It's funny you should say that. My DH and his younger sister are 6 years apart and she is also the favorite golden child (its just the 2 of them) to this day. I personally would not want that spacing for our family, its too far apart for me.

[Sharlla]

I'm 6 years older than my brother, we always got along very well. He is 18 months older than my sister, who he doesn't get along well with (although she and I did) I really liked the spacing and my boys are 6.5 years apart as well. My good friend and her sister are 5 years apart and they are best friends.

[Mama Poot]

I feel less emphasis should be placed on how the spacing affects the children and more on how it affects the PARENTS. If you guys feel you have another one too soon and get bogged down in everything, you're not going to be the best parents you might be otherwise, and THAT will have a direct effect on the children, not the spacing itself. Some people, myself included, do perfectly fine having children spaced closely, others can't handle it. I am much much closer to my younger sister, however, and I've been told by many that being 2 years apart and under was a great experience for them and they feel very close to their siblings. But that doesn't mean others spaced farther apart have to be not as close. Once again I think that depends on the parenting. DH is not close to his sister at all and they are 2.5 years apart. But that is because their parents, mostly his father, did not encourage them to have a good relationship and felt it was unimportant for brothers and sisters to get along. So their relationship tanked and despite numerous attempts by DH in adulthood, SIL refuses to try to make things better. Hopefully you will have the luxury of time and planning ( something I did NOT have with my 2nd child! ) and you will feel secure in your decision.

[Carma]

No advice for books...
I am the oldest with two sisters. Me and my middle sister are spaced 17 months and my youngest sister and middle sister are spaced 35 months.
I am very close with both my sisters, maybe even more with the youngest.
I am unexpectantly expecting a second one and they will be just under two years apart. And rigth now it feels too soon, DD is still nursing a lot and still very much attached to me (and nursing). We dealt with infertility with the first (TTC 3 years and IVF), so we started trying just in case it would take very long again. But otherwise I would have waited a bit. So I don't think spacing determines a lot how siblings like each other. I agree with others that it is also important to make sure the parents feel ready for the next baby.

carma

[mahogny]

My kids are 3 yrs 4 mos apart, and I love it. It's not what we had intended (we were originally aiming for 2 yrs apart) but this is the way it happened, and we are so grateful. DS had a lot of time to be the baby before his sister was borm, and now DD gets time to be the baby. They play together so well.

But it's not all about spacing - how each person handles siblings, no matter what the age, has more to do with personality of everyone involved, not only of the children, but of the parents as well. There is no "perfect spacing" that each family will thrive upon. So many things are put into the mix that it's impossible to have a "one size fits all."

[Sharlla]

Originally Posted by Mama Poot

I feel less emphasis should be placed on how the spacing affects the children and more on how it affects the PARENTS.

Totally,I hear from so many posts how hard it is being a SAHM etc that they get no sleep then I see that they have 3 kids under the age of 5 and think "well no wonder" I know I would NEVER be able to handle two or more small children like that.

[ccohenou]

My kids are 21 months apart, and about to have another 20 months apart (oops). There are things to be said for either side IMO. I appreciate the fact that my 21-month-old ds didn't have the mental capacity to feel sorry for himself or feel displaced...I've known three-year-olds who are very distressed by new siblings. He was just pretty oblivious, still nursing and everything, and by the time he realized there was someone new around, it was as if she'd always been here. He can't think back to the time 'before the baby' and compare it to now the way an older child could. Also, they are close enough in age that they enjoy a lot of the same things, play with the same toys (can be a good or bad thing), listen to the same stories, and play together when they're not fighting.
OTOH it would be nice to have just 1 in diapers, just 1 nursing.

[nancy926]

Whatever works for you.

Honest - there is no "perfect spacing", IMHO. Siblings can not get along for multiple reasons. Personality is one. Age can be one when they're young, I suppose - a 12-year-old and an infant aren't going to have much in common. Another reason for sibling problems is that parents can pit them against each other (often without even meaning to) -- for example, my much-younger sister could do no wrong, so whenever there was a squabble, I got blamed. That didn't endear me to my sister very much. (Though we get along fine now, LOL, 20-some years later.) No one seems to talk about this factor when it comes to siblings getting along, so maybe it's just me...but I doubt it.

Our kids are 2.75 years apart and it's been fine so far. The first six months were no picnic but I don't adjust well to change, so YMMV. I am trying hard not to pull out the "you're older so you should know better" card that got played so much in my childhood.

I can't imagine having kids less than 2.5 years apart, for my own personal comfort level. But I know many who have, and they've all made it through.

[onlyboys]

I waited 5.5 years between first and second, 22months between second and third, and 2 years between third an fourth.

All the spacings had pluses and minuses, but I think Mamapoot had it right on when she said that one should really think of how it is going to affect the parents. I am happy with our family, and would not change it at all, and I think my husband would agree, but our particular brand of chaos is not for everyone.

[The Duchess]

My dds are 2 yrs 8 months apart, currently 6 and 3.5 , and their baby brother arrived this summer three years after my 2nd dd.

There are so many factors and every family is unique. I think we all are often more comfortable with what we are familiar with in our own familiy of origin. For example my brother and I are 2.5 yrs apart and it always seemed the "perfect" spacing. With my dd's they play together every day FOR HOURS. That could not happen if they were 5+ years apart. I have no idea these days what I would do with my eldest child without her sister, they have so much fun together (as well as plenty of squabbles).

Right now my 3 yr old is still adjusting to her new brother but I am confident that give them a few years and they will also be playing with each other just as much. (Then it'll be time for #4!)

I hate to tell you but the more children you have the less "precious" you become about giving them every day of their babyhood etc. Because you see and experience how much they get from having a sibling close in age, and it becomes more and more about you all as a family and less about the individual "only child". Also, now we are outnumbered three to two so the dynamics have changed quite a bit (more chaos and fun, more talking, bigger mealtimes etc.). We all have to learn to give and take and adjust to each others needs and personalities.

[PumpkinSeeds]

Mine are 2y9mos apart and I thought that was too much at first. But now the younger is almost 3 and they play soooooo goood together most of the time. My first is and was very high needs.

[PatchyMama]

My brother and I were 4.5-5 years apart and we never got along and still dont really have a relationship to this day.

My girls are about 3 years apart and I am very happy with that spacing. The older girl was old enough to be able to help and talk about having a new baby and was really much better equipped to handle it. There was definately a rough time when the younger one wasnt really of PLAYING age.. but now that they are 5 and 2 they seem to have fun together and are definately close. They fight too, but I think thats pretty normal LOL.

No way could I have handled them closer in age LOL

[lafemmedesfemmes]

i agree with the pp's who've said that the "sibling decision" really ought to depend more on how child-spacing will affect you, and not so much on how it will affect the children. there really is so much more to siblings getting along than just spacing.

myself, i'm currently pregnant, and our new baby will arrive when our toddler is 2.5. some would call that the perfect spacing-- i'm not too happy about it because my pregnancy is definitely interfering with my and ds's nursing relationship. we'll certainly recover and move on with our lives, as many in our position have done before us, but i really wanted more time to concentrate on the "baby things" one kid at a time.

christina