The sibling decision, ramble ramble - Page 2

[honeybee]

I would recommend "The New Birth Order Book." Lots of good info about how our place in the family affects us.

My 2 boys are 28 months apart, which is the closest I wanted them (I thought it would take longer to get pg). With the next one I will wait a bit longer, I think, closer to 3 years apart. But, hopefully not more than 4 years apart.

[delicious]

well. i think its all so varied. my brother and i were 4 years apart and we get along well, but aren't all that close. is it age spacing? no idea.

from my experience, my two kids are 2.5 years apart. dd is 5 now and ds will be 3 in feb. i would not have done it any other way, really. dd still nursed through pregnancy and we really did enjoy tandeming (there were a few moments, but everything has its moments...) they are super ultra close. when dd wakes up in the morning she sits up in bed and says, "come on, "ds," let's go play!" and off they go.

another thing i've noticed about onlies is that they act really different in social situations. i'm not saying ALL onlies but it definitely seems to be common to me. like, not able to interact the same as kids with siblings.

[Al Dente]

I have a really HN ds. Among other things-up every hour all night long for the first year of his life, never able to put him down, never able to leave him to see a movie or have dinner or whatever.

I really wanted to wait until I thought he could deal with being displaced (to whatever extent siblings are normally displaced; we'll do a lot of work with him when #2 comes so that those feelings are minimal). For me, he has not shown signs of being even slightly comfortable with sharing my time until the last 4 months or so. As he matures and accepts other people in his life, I see him identifying with his daddy, spending time away from me (I've recently gone back to work and he's fine with it), sleeping in his own bed and nursing briefly only at nighttime, and seeking out other kids to play with. He's entirely comfortable away from me and that was important to me.

But I also wanted to wait until I could handle waking up every hour again, not having a shower until 5 pm when dh came home, and nursing constantly, in case I had another HN child! We will ttc this summer in hopes of having a 4-year age gap.

I also think (and agree with pp's) that almost any age gap can be overcome with the right kind of parenting. When you are ready for #2, you can take steps to preparing your firstborn for a new sibling. Whether that's an 18 mo gap or a 10 year gap!

[witchbaby]

i'm an only, so i know nothing PERSONALLY of sibling relations. my husband is 2.5 years younger than his brother and they despised one another until they were both in college. my father is the middle of 7-- his is a bit of a unique case, as he was the "runt" boy and the only one to go to college, his sibling relations are based a bit more on his caretaking than on a sibling level. my mother is the middle of 4-- her brother is 8 years older (iirc), her sister is 5 years older and her other brother is 20 (!!) years younger; she gets along with all of them, while my aunt and older uncle both have issues with the youngest.
my kids are 2 years, 1 week and 23 hours apart (rounded a bit, ). they're only 3 and 1 now, but i see a bond already forming that i hope will continue throughout life. ideally, i would preferred 3 years between them, but my body decided differently and now i wouldn't have it any other way.

[Heavenly]

My first two are 21 months apart and that was way too close for my liking. We planned it that way but after the fact realized it was too close together. For that reason we waited until #2 was 2.5 years old before ttc. We got pregnant the first try and then she was a month early so #2 and #3 are 3 years and 2 months apart. I like that spacing much better. I wouldn't want it much further than that but that's just my opinion. I think 3-4 years is good.

[snelps]

Great responses - I don't know why I need to say anything more, but since I WRESTLED and AGONIZED over this decision, I'm chiming in. I agree the siblings may or may not get along regardless of age difference, and there are pros and cons both ways. So it may be best to just think about your own needs. I was 36 when I had my first, and I worried about my age and didn't want to wait a long time for #2. But when I had my baby, I realized I wanted lots of time to devote to only her. I am not a good split-focus gal (ha! not the best trait for parenting!) so I did not want a little 2YO toddler running around while I had a newborn nursing round the clock. Ended up having #2 when the first was 3 years 8mos - and still nursing a few times a day! 3 year split is no guarantee that nursing is done, but I will say that at 2 she still nursed a LOT and at 3 she only nursing a few ritual times. The 3.5 year split is fine, but not as wonderful as I had thought. I thought 3 years was really good because they are a lot more independent and interesting in the outside world. True, but as someone said above, they are also MUCH more aware of being displaced, much more opinionated about how they want to do things, etc. Lots of constantly reminding her to be gentle and mellow with the baby. Ironically, I think my DD1 is more jealous of me than the baby - she wants to be DD2's mom instead!

In contrast - when I was pregnant with the first, the principal at my school said she had hers only 18 months apart and it was great. She got through the baby and diaper thing all in one fell swoop. At 8 and 9 years old, they are good friends. But she is a completely different personality than me, a real go-getter, push-on-through type. I am comtemplative and slow moving. I would have hated to have 2 toddlers in diapers! With my spread, DD1 was nearly fully potty-trained when #2 came.

Another friend had hers 2 years apart (unplanned) and said it was great the first year because the older one was pretty clueless about the younger, who was in the sling most of the time. Mom just carried baby and took 2YO out to parks and stuff a lot. Then the next year - when baby turned 1 - was hard!

Another had a 10 YO when she had baby twins! The first year, she said it was great because the oldest was old enough to really help with the babies. But when the twins were 3, the oldest was 13 - Yikes! Not a good combination to have headstrong preschoolers with a headstrong adolescent! So you can't figure it all out.

There's no perfect way, and even if one age spread is good for awhile, it can be a problem later. My best friend growing up had a sister 2 years younger and they went back and forth over the years, "hating" each other, then being best friends. As adults, they are very close.

So think about what you want as a parent in terms of diapering/potty training, nursing, having kids in similar stages or different stages. But don't think too much. Maybe just listen to your heart and just choose!

[Zyla]

It's all so variable. I think the most important thing is to go with your heart. There is so little one can actually control for. For example, fully 50% of all pregnancies are unplanned, so even if one has the "perfect" age gap in mind, well ... it doesn't always work out that way. Or, as in my situation, fertility issues can arrise at any time. My first two children are 10.5 years apart not by choice but because I lost so many babies along the way ... My second and third are 2yrs8mos apart. All three of my children get along great. My 17yo and my 4yo have a very special bond: it is beautiful to witness. I think it is wonderful, actually, for teens to be able to be around little ones as much as possible (whether they are siblings or not).

[Snowdrift]

ITA that it should be about you rather than about speculating on how it will affect the kids. One thing though that really jumped out at me in the op was the comment that your DD seems like she might need more time as an only.

Um, what if your second "needs time as an only"? I'm just confused by the idea that one would put off a pg bc of the personality of one child when that kind of one-on-one attention is not going to be available at all to the next one.

Maybe it's because I'm a middle kid, but this makes me a little bit.

[BelgianSheepDog]

Because I love her and want to do the best I can for her. If a second child needed to be an only he'd be out of luck, just as my first would be out of luck if she needed to have a big sister. But just because there are some things I can't control doesn't mean I shouldn't try my best with the things I can control.

[sparkprincess]

Originally Posted by Mama Poot

I feel less emphasis should be placed on how the spacing affects the children and more on how it affects the PARENTS. If you guys feel you have another one too soon and get bogged down in everything, you're not going to be the best parents you might be otherwise, and THAT will have a direct effect on the children, not the spacing itself. Some people, myself included, do perfectly fine having children spaced closely, others can't handle it. I am much much closer to my younger sister, however, and I've been told by many that being 2 years apart and under was a great experience for them and they feel very close to their siblings. But that doesn't mean others spaced farther apart have to be not as close. Once again I think that depends on the parenting. DH is not close to his sister at all and they are 2.5 years apart. But that is because their parents, mostly his father, did not encourage them to have a good relationship and felt it was unimportant for brothers and sisters to get along. So their relationship tanked and despite numerous attempts by DH in adulthood, SIL refuses to try to make things better. Hopefully you will have the luxury of time and planning ( something I did NOT have with my 2nd child! ) and you will feel secure in your decision.

Totally agree! Our boys will be almost 3 years apart because that is what is best for Dh and I. Ds was very high needs - reflux and dairy allergy/sensitivity. Very, very needy. Which is fine, but we didn't feel we could be at our personal best with a high-needs toddler and a newborn. So we waited. And I'm SO glad!!

I think there are SO many reasons siblings are close or not. Spacing may be ONE factor, but there are other important factors, too that you can't overlook. It's silly to me that many people seem to think spacing will guarantee a close bond. HA!

So I guess I'm saying look at ALL the factors. How would you guys cope with a newborn right now? How would your child cope with a newborn right now? What is your living situation? What is your financial situation? Your age? Etc. Of course, you can't wait for everything to be perfect, but if you know that you might very well be better off having another now as opposed to later or vice versa that should be a big part of how you come to your decision.

[Kirsten]

4 years apart. Worked great in my original family (I'm the oldest of three kids - sis is four years younger than me, and brother is four years younger than her), and in my current family (three kids - dd1 is 10, dd2 is 6, dd3 is 3).

Close enough to play together, but not so close that they have to compete for sports teams or homecoming courts.

Gives you a break between kids to lose weight, get some sleep, have some dates with your dh, etc.

Also, it spreads out the college costs, wedding costs, etc.

[poisonedapple]

I think a lot has to do with personality, and how they are raised. If you are raised with favorites, then its very easy to have bad feelings towards your sibling. My husband was raised this way, and it didnt effect his relationship with his brother and sister (both perfect mind you), but it does with his parents. He realizes that its not his bro/sis's fault his parents behave this way.

My sisters are 7 & 9 years younger then me, I am SUPER tight with my middle sister, we talk every.single.day. We've been tight for her entire life minus one rough year, 5 years ago. My other sisters (I have even more, further apart, including one, 5 months older then my oldest daughter) I'm not as close with. Difference of where we are in life, as one is 5 years old

My kids are 6, 4, 2 1/2 And they are ALL super close. DS (4) has been in love with DD2 (15 months apart) since the day she was in my womb, we told him about the pregnancy and he just kissed my tummy and always rubbed it, he dotes on her, and adores her. They play together, get in trouble together, and are just so amazing. I love this spacing.

DD1 is 6 and she is very close with DS (2 years apart) and DD (3 years apart), she adores her brother and sister, she feels left out at times because shes older then them (and them so close) that she is in different classes some of the time. Like the young two are going into the same church class (3-4 year olds).

We're going to be completing our family with one more pregnancy hopefully this month will be our month*crossfingers* so my youngest now will be 3 years older then the new baby.... I hope we like it! I'm nervous about such a far age difference.

One of the best gifts I gave my children was a sibling. Someone to play with, giggle with after lights go out, getting into mischief with, and when I'm old, or gone, they won't be alone. Someone to call on the phone when a relationship goes bad, be there when you give birth. Someone to share their childhood and life with.

[pookel]

We were planning to have a second when the first was 3 1/2. I've been telling people I would be ready for another baby when Corbin was able to A) hold a conversation, B) go to sleep on his own, and C) be potty-trained. I really really did not want two "babies" at the same time. But thanks to our little accident, they will be 2 1/2 instead. Oh well ...