Was I in the Wrong?

[MaryLang]

I had a huge blow-out with my mom. I have a 7yrold sister who is adopted and had a rough life before my mom got her. She has some behavioral issues, but nothing major, a while ago a therapist (who had not seen said sis, btw) that she might need to be a little harder with her to get her to understand. She uses time-outs, but with IMO some pretty harsh words. We are pretty GD and believe in respecting kids to earn respect not enforcing it, and her way really disturbs me. There was an incedent tonight while we were there, my mom found that sister started biting little pieces out of her wood head board. And my first reaction was to hug her and ask her if there was something bothering her. My moms was to get mad, and tell her her stomache could bleed, and the bed would come down. My mom asked what I thought and I told her "Well, don't scare her, you need to find out why this is happening, maybe she wants some kind of attention, and some more positive reenforcement, instead of negativity all the time". My mom then said "Don't you dare talk to me like that in front of her!". So I left the room and went down stairs. I kind of lit into her about the way she's been handeling situations and you can't act like that with her, you have to find out why she does things. "You see a therapist one time and take one sentance a little too far." I said. "you don't know what I do, I'm not like that with her!". Which may be true, but its not what I see, and maybe she has pica who knows, maybe I got too upset, but I hate seeing people use scare tactics and the evil eye with kids-that totally freaks me out still. And how dare she ask my opinion and then talk to me like I'm a kid, I'm a d#$% adult now! I left mad and am still pretty mad about the whole sitch, because I know she'll spin it like I'm the crazy one, and she is infalliable because she's raised 4 kids of her own.

[MaryLang]

Anybody? I mean I know my mom is tryin to do things right, she is "trying" to be gentle, I gave her my Dr.Sears book on GD. And I know its really not my place to critique her, but what threw me was when she started talking down to me after asking my opinion.

[2tadpoles]

I think maybe you were both in the wrong.

I don't think you were wrong for expressing your opinion....especially since you were asked for it.

But I think the conversation should have been in private. Nobody likes to be talked about like they aren't in the room; even kids.

[Threefold]

I think you are in the right, though I wouldn't have corrected her in front of your little sister. I would have asked your sister if anything was bothering her, but I would have waited until the heated moment passed, just to keep it from blowing up further, which in the end probably won't help your little sister.
I would just pull out all of my patience and diplomacy skills and try to lead your mom down the gd path.
hth

[MaryLang]

I know I shouldn't have said that in front of her, but she asked and she was pretty pi$$ed off at the kid, trying to shame her and giving her that evil eye I was taking about, I was hoping she'd back off her a little. She started breathing real heaving ane was worried her throat was going to start bleeding.

[CurlyTop]

I don't think you were in the wrong at all. Your sister needs an adult who isn't her parent to trust and talk to. She'll need it more and more as she grows into her teen years. Thank goodness for you.

Your mom did the wrong thing when she asked your opinion, and then laid into you for talking in front of your sister. Good grief, SHE was talking in front of your sister. I think at 7, your sis could have been respectfully included in the conversation if it was going to be in front of her.

Your answer, by the way, was not attacking - with the exception of, "instead of so much negativity all the time." That could be heard as an accusation that she is getting so much negativity all the time.

My guess is that your mom is exhausted, and doesn't know what to do with an adopted 7 year old with a troubled past. She needs some support and good advice without judgement. To me, "Don't scare her," isn't a judgement, but good advice.

I hope you can all find out what's going on with your sister. That is unusual I think to take bites out of a wooden headboard, if I read that right.

Good luck!

[MaryLang]

Yes, you hit the nail on the head, she keeps taking in more kids without dealing properly with previous issues. And she was told in the beginning that sis was delayed a few years, so she treats her like a toddler sometimes and expecting her to act her age on the other hand. I don't know, I know my mom is trying, but I seriously don't know how to handle this stuff anymore, I'm just really upset about this. All she has to do is read a book, like the one I gave her, look into how to correct her with out being so hard on her, she's too sensitive of a kid to do that. I don't even want to be around them for the holidays, this has been going on too long, and my mom is always right.

[mama2mygirl]

I think it's fine that you said that with your sister in the room.
She now knows that you think your mom should be gentle with her. Maybe you even planted a seed in her head for later--for how she'll treat her kids.

[MaryLang]

Thanks for the replies. I will keep venting if you don't mind.
You know, I think her parenting would be avoidance parenting.
Like if she's worried about a kid interupting an adults conversation, she now doesn't let the kid/kids near adults when they come over.
Every problem that comes up, its just go to your room or go sit down, never trying to "handle" the situation, just ignore the problem, never explaining whys.
She has even started this with their new puppy. Instead of potty training him normally, she just leaves him on the basement landing, never being able to learn right from wrong by mistakes, and not allowed to be around people until he's trained.
I know it's not a biggie in the grand scheme of things, but I have had enough of them being treated as less thans.
She never used to be this way I don't know whats happening, but its too hard to watch.