My Mother never fails to dissapoint me . . .

[TripMom]

I'm not really sure where to post this. But I know I want to post it somewhere. Just need to get it off my chest. I hope you all don't mind. Here goes. Last week my triplets turned 2. I was in a reflective mode and wrote out my feelings about the 2nd year of life with them. A lot of the year was difficult and I wrote a fair amount about that. I sent it off to some friends and family. I used it as a thank you to those that had been there for me the last year. I even posted it here on MDC in the Mothering Multiples forum. Here is the link:

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=577219

I suppose you will have to read the link to really understand the point of this thread. But suffice it to say, almost anyone that I sent this email to sent me back a really warm reply. Here is what I received from my mother today - this came in the form of a "reply" to the email I sent her (again - basically same message in the post above)

"DD,

I purchased that watch for Dad for Christmas, your on your own for his Birthday. I'll be accepting any donation you want to make for the Christmas gift. If you do not want to be a part of this let me know and I'll take your name off of the gift tag. Just got back from baptism. It was just lovely.

Mom"

To say I'm disappointed would be an understatement. Hurt I suppose is more accurate. I have no idea what motivates this woman to be so cold, honestly I haven't a clue. And the only thing that keeps me from telling her all this is that my older son really truely adores his grandparents. I am keeping a civil relationship with her at this point solely for him. They live 2 plane rides away - so its actually not that hard.

Thanks for listening. As always.

[ErinBird]

i don't know the history with you/your mom. I know my mother can never remember my email addy- she just hits "reply" to the first message she sees from me in her inbox without reading it. She's also not terribly computer-literate, meaning she doesn't spend much time online on a regular basis. Especially with the holiday craziness, it wouldn't be unusual for my mom to not bother with email for a while.

I understs=and you are hurt. Maybe its not what you assumed though?

[Qestia]

I don't know your history with your mom either, but I do know how easy it is for feelings to get hurt over internet/email. Maybe she wanted to make sure she remembered to ask you about the gift thing, and is crafting a more well-thought out reply. Maybe she'd prefer to talk about such things in person or over the phone.

I just personally feel like I've had a hell of a year with people taking offense really easily at my emails, to the point I've about given up on email as a form of communication... that's where I'm coming from. But that's just my POV.

hugs and I hope you can move past this with her. And congrats on the birthdays! This second year with my singleton is kicking my butt so I can just imagine what you've been thru!

[bu's mama]

It sucks.

I have a tenuous relationship with my mother & some days it's good, others are...well....difficult. I don't have anything to say to make it easier, but she is who she is. I finally came to realize (after 37 years) that she isn't going to be the mother I need so I have to accept what she has to offer. It's hard & it makes me sad sometimes, but if I dwell on it, I'm always disappointed. It's also hard & hurtful when others can give you what you need so simply & your own mother is so clueless. I think you have a good attitude so far...maintaining the relationship for your older child and such.

And vent away...I love MDC for that very reason.

[MamaDimstam]

Do you speak frequently? That IS really cold to not even acknowledge your lovely, open letter. But maybe she's assuming that because she's your mother, she knows all about it and it's not news to her. Awful, still, I know.

[SneakyPie]

I guess . . . I don't understand why her reply is hurtful. I mean it doesn't reference what you wrote, but then again, I'm not sure what response you're hoping for? Without knowing more about the situation it sort of seems odd to send an e-mail to your mother that basically says "Raising your grandchildren is really difficult and I feel alone doing it." Not wrong, but . . . well, I'm sorry you're feeling bad, that's the bottom line.

[bu's mama]

Originally Posted by SneakyPie

I guess . . . I don't understand why her reply is hurtful. I mean it doesn't reference what you wrote, but then again, I'm not sure what response you're hoping for? Without knowing more about the situation it sort of seems odd to send an e-mail to your mother that basically says "Raising your grandchildren is really difficult and I feel alone doing it." Not wrong, but . . . well, I'm sorry you're feeling bad, that's the bottom line.

I don't want to put words in the OP's mouth, but it seems that she just wanted some validation, heck even some acknowledgment, from her mother. Having a singleton was tough, I literally cannot imagine what it would be like with 3. It really is a special accomplishment and if a friend or family member wrote to me about how she felt about parenting a tough year, I'd at least acknowledge it.

[MaryLang]

I'm sorry you are going through this, my mom and I have been fighting too. I have three under three with no help whatsoever from her. Has she helped you along much with the kids? Maybe the fact that you have had some rough times in testimony to her not being there for you and she doesn't want to be made to feel bad about it? I may be way way way off, but this is a key problem in my relationship with my mom. My last dd was born with serios heart troubles and I could have used mom there many of times.

[shimmerMom]

I'm sorry you didn't get the response you had hoped for.

[BelgianSheepDog]

I think I understand, Tripmom. My mom does this kind of thing too, and not just with emails. She just can't tolerate emotion, even mild emotion, because her mental health teeters dangerously on the brink and denial and stuffing is the only thing that keeps her going. But even though I understand why she's that way, I still feel let down and lonely. It's hard when you share something with your own mother and get back...nothing. I remember last year whenever I would try to share with her how excited I was about the baby I was expecting she'd kind of glaze and start talking about doing a stock check at work. Not even pausing to acknowledge "I see you are happy." Just completely ignoring it. So yeah, I think I understand where you are at.

[Danielle283]

: I'm sorry she hurt your feelings.

[maya44]

I am not sure what I would say if my dd's were groun ups and sent me this e-mail. I do not think though that this I would send an e-mail reply.

I'd probably talk to her about it the next time.

And if your mom is like me, I also often just look for the last e-mail from someone when I need to send them a message on some other topic.

[mimid]

I replied over in the multiples board, but I'll add something here, too in response to some of the replies you've gotten here.

I think that it is hard for non-MOMs (and maybe even non-triplet moms) to understand the real issues of dealing with triplets. I know that here, for me, I get a lot of comments about the whole"like triplets because my kids are close together" and the idea that you deal with just 3x the stuff when in reality some things are exponential as each of the babes feed off of their siblings energy and mood.

And the whole isolation thing is a huge issue that I don't think a lot of moms have to deal with. It takes me an hour to get everyone ready for a walk. Just to go around the block a few times. Seriously. Going to the grocery store is literally an all day event and a physically draining one. And there is pretty much no way I can do anything "for me" as I can't take all the girls with me and I don't have anyone I will leave them all with except on very rare occasions. We've been planning our anniversary evening out for 2 months so that both my mom and my aunt will be here and dh and I can spend more than an hour away.

I can't imagine adding an older child to that mix and coming out after 2 years sane.

So, to you and I do hope you and your mom work this out.

[TripMom]

Originally Posted by bu's mama

I don't want to put words in the OP's mouth, but it seems that she just wanted some validation, heck even some acknowledgment, from her mother. Having a singleton was tough, I literally cannot imagine what it would be like with 3. It really is a special accomplishment and if a friend or family member wrote to me about how she felt about parenting a tough year, I'd at least acknowledge it.

Yeah - that is just it. I don't think I was really expecting replies - but almost everyone that read my letter sent me a wonderful reply. So my own mother not responding - and more pointedly - replying but on a totally different topic (believe me that was intentional) - was what really shocked me?

[TripMom]

Originally Posted by MaryLang

I'm sorry you are going through this, my mom and I have been fighting too. I have three under three with no help whatsoever from her. Has she helped you along much with the kids? Maybe the fact that you have had some rough times in testimony to her not being there for you and she doesn't want to be made to feel bad about it? I may be way way way off, but this is a key problem in my relationship with my mom. My last dd was born with serios heart troubles and I could have used mom there many of times.

She could be sensitive about that. My mom fits me in to her schedule. She comes when its convenient for her. She loves the kids - and plays with them and stuff when she comes. She loves to buy them things (caveat: not what they want/need necessarily - but what she wants to buy) But she is not the grandmother that says "oh DD, let me give the kids their bath tonight, you look so tire" or "DD, why don't you and DH go out for a date night tonight while I'm here". She never offers any help. Nor am I resentful about it. I just accept that she feels like she's raised her kids or whatever . . . but maybe she does feel guilty?

[TripMom]

Originally Posted by shimmerMom

I'm sorry you didn't get the response you had hoped for.

I know my mom. I hadn't really hoped for a response. It was the fact that she went out of her way to reply to that email and completely ignore everything that was written . . . .that is what got me. I assumed she wouldn't reply at all.

[TripMom]

Originally Posted by BelgianSheepDog

I think I understand, Tripmom. My mom does this kind of thing too, and not just with emails. She just can't tolerate emotion, even mild emotion, because her mental health teeters dangerously on the brink and denial and stuffing is the only thing that keeps her going. But even though I understand why she's that way, I still feel let down and lonely. It's hard when you share something with your own mother and get back...nothing. I remember last year whenever I would try to share with her how excited I was about the baby I was expecting she'd kind of glaze and start talking about doing a stock check at work. Not even pausing to acknowledge "I see you are happy." Just completely ignoring it. So yeah, I think I understand where you are at.

BINGO! thank you for summing up what is bothering me . . ..

[TripMom]

Originally Posted by mimid

I replied over in the multiples board, but I'll add something here, too in response to some of the replies you've gotten here.

I think that it is hard for non-MOMs (and maybe even non-triplet moms) to understand the real issues of dealing with triplets. I know that here, for me, I get a lot of comments about the whole"like triplets because my kids are close together" and the idea that you deal with just 3x the stuff when in reality some things are exponential as each of the babes feed off of their siblings energy and mood.

And the whole isolation thing is a huge issue that I don't think a lot of moms have to deal with. It takes me an hour to get everyone ready for a walk. Just to go around the block a few times. Seriously. Going to the grocery store is literally an all day event and a physically draining one. And there is pretty much no way I can do anything "for me" as I can't take all the girls with me and I don't have anyone I will leave them all with except on very rare occasions. We've been planning our anniversary evening out for 2 months so that both my mom and my aunt will be here and dh and I can spend more than an hour away.

I can't imagine adding an older child to that mix and coming out after 2 years sane.

So, to you and I do hope you and your mom work this out.

Thanks for your kind words here and in the multiples forum. I thought it was important to write about the isolating aspects of parenting HOMs - for me - and other MOMs. I really hadn't seen anyone address that topic - and it sure would have helped me to know other MOMs struggle with the same issue.

thanks again.

[St. Margaret]

Could it be that she needed to email you and instead of creating a new email, she hit reply? I do this sometimes b/c I am too lazy to type out the address. But always TRY to remove the "re: xxxxx" and the copied message, so it looks new. But that's just with addresses I'm unfamiliar with. And it does seem odd she didn't reply at all to that message! I'm sorry. It's so hard dealing with family that just doesn't get it.

[wendy1221]

My mom never tells me I'm a good mom or anything. She plays withthe kids sometimes when we go to visit them TWICE A YEAR. FOr the first few days we talk and catch up and have a good time, and then she goes back to her routine, which involves just her and her dog.

BUt I'm pretty sure my mom has Asperger's now that I've been learning more about it b/c ofmy oldest ds. I'm am also 100% sure my younger sister (now deceased) had it as well, and also myself.

I probably wouldn't reply to a heartfelt email like yours either, because I wouldn't know what to say. I would think, wow, you had a tough year, but we moms gotta do what we gotta do, glad you got through it, and got through it well. If you were my daughter, I would probably feel proud of you, but all I would think of to say is "I'm proud of you." ANd somehow that doesn't seem quite right to say in response to such a long heartfelt email either, so again, I might not reply because I felt my reply was insufficient. Do you think your mom has some sort of issues like this? Just trying to tell the other side's perspective.