Rough and wild 4 yo

[crb]

My dd is very smart and funny and bright . . . but also very rough w/us and her 1yo brother. I am so tired of "we treat people gently" and I'm sure she is tired of hearing it. Maybe it is a reaction to having a sibling or just the age - I don't know, but she is very physical and less in to being quiet and gentle and snuggling - everything turns in to wrestling and rolling until someone gets hurt.
And then, what drive dh and I crazy, when she does hurt someone (brother or one of us usually, but even a friend or another little kid), her reaction is that she very quickly develops her own injury and starts crying about her hurt leg (or whatever). So she headbutts dad, he says "ow" and she jumps on her foot and says "my foot!" and starts crying. If you ask her if she is feeling bad because she hurt daddy, she says "no, MY foot hurts!". And her crying becomes more and more intense if she doesn't receive sympathy. It has been challenging for dh and I to offer sympathy when we feel injured ourselves. We haven't ever forced her to say "I'm sorry" but it sure would be nice to hear once in a while!
She is starting to expand to being loud and "grabby" with a few of the other 1 year olds we know who she (I guess) feels comfortable with - she shouts close in their faces and such. I assume she is trying to play w/them, but I feel like my redirection skills just are not working!
So I just am looking for some ideas about this - why, how to redirect, what to say, etc. I am thinking of trying to focus only on her positive interactions w/ds for a few days, but I'm now sure how to "ignore" the bad while still keeping ds and other babes safe from my wild child! It is impossible to keep a toddler in arms all the time (as I did when he was tiny and in danger). Thanks for your thoughts.

[mamaduck]

How old is she?

My older son went through this around 4-5 yo. He had a very poor sense of personal space, and no matter how hard he tried, he was very very wiggly and bouncy. I can't count the number of times I got bashed in the jaw with him jumping up suddenly while I leaned over to kiss him. Argh.

It was helpful to him when we talked about physical space in terms of actual concrete dimensions. "Most people like to have 10 inches of space. Or an arm's length." "10 inches" became a sort of cue word with him!

Also -- giving very specific directions and feedback. Never say "calm down" or "pull it together" with a bouncy kid. Statements like this are much too vauge, and they only serve to put the kids on edge. I don't know about your dd, but when my son is feeling edgy, he just bounces even more (think about Tigger!)

So say very specific things to her, "Please do not bounce up and down right now." or "Stop kicking." "Please give 10 inches." "No jumping on people at Grandmas today. No wrestling. Ask for a hug before you take one."

Talk to her about the tension in her body. Say things like "You feel all wound up! How can we unwind you a little?"

Give sensory activities. For my son, time in the tub, in the pool, or in the sandbox were necessities. Every day. And he would literally roll around in the sandbox! LOL.

My kid is 10 yo, and is SO much better at all of this. There are times that he needs help with more abstract social cues, and usually when we have family reading time, he has to sit separately in his own seat so as not to bounce the heck out of us all. But he has not tackled Grandma to the floor in about 3 years! So that is a success!

[PumpkinSeeds]

When my son was 4 it was a really really hard age for me. I will say that they do mellow out once they turn 5.

And I agree with mamaduck. The more physical activities, the better.

[crb]

Bingo - she is 4.5. Thanks for the very specific ideas. I know 4 yo are expansive vs introspective, but it is a sight to behold in action! I am just starting to "get" how someone could be happy w/negative attention vs. no attention since dd seems to do things specifically to get a reaction. I feel like a broken record. The 10 inches discussion sounds like a good one to keep ds and other babies safe.

[Rainbowbird]

Wow, this could be my DS. Great responses from everyone. I like the 10 inch rule. He loves everyone to death. Always touching and rolling and hugging and jiggling...it makes me tired just to watch him! In my dreams our house would have an indoor track so on rainy days he could run laps...

[wendyk]

I have to agree that there are great suggestions there. I've been struggling with this lately, too. At 35+ wks pregnant, I find myself getting pretty irritable at DD's bounciness- especially as it often takes the form of crawling all over me. She often does hurt me- unintentionally, but it happens nonetheless. It helps to have some concrete things to say to to her rather than just "stop- you're hurting me!"

[crb]

Any ideas about this part

And then, what drive dh and I crazy, when she does hurt someone (brother or one of us usually, but even a friend or another little kid), her reaction is that she very quickly develops her own injury and starts crying about her hurt leg (or whatever). So she headbutts dad, he says "ow" and she jumps on her foot and says "my foot!" and starts crying. If you ask her if she is feeling bad because she hurt daddy, she says "no, MY foot hurts!". And her crying becomes more and more intense if she doesn't receive sympathy. It has been challenging for dh and I to offer sympathy when we feel injured ourselves. We haven't ever forced her to say "I'm sorry" but it sure would be nice to hear once in a while!

I'm really at a loss- react w/sympathy for her? Ignore the bid for attention? I like to tell myself this is the first step in her developing empathy - trying to feel the hurt herself .