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Update on my life~ - Page 3

post #41 of 85
12/20/06 at 12:09pm
Thread Starter 
That is in fact the funny part.Last year he told me to leave him and take the kids.I moved out of state with no problems.We were gone for about 4 months and he never paid me support and left me and the children with no money or food.He had rented us a nice house that put me over the limit for getting assistance.Then he begged us to come back to make things work.So we moved back and were fine for about 4 months then everything went bad again.He disappeared for 3 weeks and the kids and i had no money and no way to take care of rent.So i packed up our things to go back out of state to get back to my support network.While i was driving to leave the state he called me and flipped out saying i was kidnapping the kids and he was calling the cops.So back i went to the house where all the sudden he moved into the house saying he was staying put so i couldn't leave with the kids.This was in Sept.He has disappeared many times since then and when he leaves town he sends his mom to my house to watch me so i can't leave.Now he repeatedly brings up how i tried to steal his kids and he tells the kids that i tried to keep them from him forever.So in a year it went from him telling me to go to now where i am a kidnapper.He is petrified i will move out of state with the kids.I have no clue how this switch happened unless it has to do with looking like a decent father to his girlfriend.

I'm in CA and i am still unsure of what the actual law is.I just wish i had never come back
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post #42 of 85
12/20/06 at 12:12pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Avani View Post
I'm in CA and i am still unsure of what the actual law is.I just wish i had never come back
You can't change the past, but you can change the present and the future.
Pack your bags and go. Then you will have no more regrets.
post #43 of 85
12/20/06 at 12:20pm
Thread Starter 
Yes true,but it is so not as easy as saying pack and go.Alot of mama's use that response around here.I have 5 children including one in a wheelchair and a newborn.All of our possessions are in this house.They love their dad.Just packing a bag and going seems easy enough until you look at the other side.Showing up somewhere with no belongings and no money.Having to get a place to live with really bad credit and no job.5 little children to care for.I could end up in a shelter for months.For some that seems better then my situation which it may be.It is truly hard to leave everything behind and go towards a possibly very incomfortable future.I could really use a therapist to help turn around my self esteem that has been thoroughly destroyed by my husband.
post #44 of 85
12/20/06 at 12:40pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Avani View Post
Yes true,but it is so not as easy as saying pack and go.Alot of mama's use that response around here.I have 5 children including one in a wheelchair and a newborn.All of our possessions are in this house.They love their dad.Just packing a bag and going seems easy enough until you look at the other side.Showing up somewhere with no belongings and no money.Having to get a place to live with really bad credit and no job.5 little children to care for.I could end up in a shelter for months.For some that seems better then my situation which it may be.It is truly hard to leave everything behind and go towards a possibly very incomfortable future.I could really use a therapist to help turn around my self esteem that has been thoroughly destroyed by my husband.
It is truly hard to leave, yes. But at some point, you put one foot in front of the other and start moving. Because if you don't, you almost certainly doom your kids.

And the very act of putting one foot in front of the other starts repairing the battered self esteem.

And I guess everyone has their own threshold.. the point where it finally gets bad enough to make you take that first real step? Some women NEVER take it. And they end up dead, sometimes. Or their kids end up dead. That's worst-case scenario, certainly.

Some women never take that step and simply live lives of quiet desperation.. ensuring their kids are at higher risk of the same.

And some find their courage, some find their will, some look at their kids and say, no, I will not let this happen to you.. and they take a deep breath and take that first step.

I am a pretty powerful person. But I remember the 28 year old me.. cowering on the floor of my house, tears streaming down my face.. as my MUCH bigger boyfriend towered over me, threatening me with the phone he'd pulled out of the wall so I couldn't use it. I put my hands over my head and tried to make myself very very small, as he threatened to throw all my stuff in the street and burn it.. as he ranted about how everything in the house was HIS and I had no right to use the phone or anything else.

I had to beg to be allowed to LEAVE.

I ran out of the house in the middle of the night with NOTHING but the clothes on my back and my purse. I banged on a friend's door and slept on his couch that night.

I was lucky in that I had parents who were in a position to help me. My dad wired me cash, and I left him the next day. I went and got my stuff while he was at work.

Now, I had no kids. And I had a job. I was privileged in that sense. But I know what it is to feel trapped and helpless. I know what it is to have the person who is supposed to love you beat you down and abuse you.

So I feel like I can say, with some credibility, that YEAH, being in a shelter for several months is a better alternative.
post #45 of 85
12/20/06 at 1:31pm
it is hard but you can do it. I know that it sounds like it is easy for others to say but it isn't the same for you. I felt that way too. it kept me there four years. looking back it wasn't a bad thing that I stayed that long. I wouldn't have my youngest if I hadn't. Once I left, though, my world changed for the better.
it is very scary to go out on your own. especially with many young children. especially with a special needs child. especially with no job and feeling like you can not get one because you have little children and special needs to work around. especially with bad credit (I walked away from my marriage with 36k in credit card debt that he racked up in our community property state: ).
even having gone through all of that...I would still tell you to just get out. the reason why is because I am worried about your safety.

I know that last time was really hard and the reality is that this time will be hard too. it is tough being a single mother. it is especially tough if you have spent years having a man train you to think you are worthless and need him to take care of you.
On the other hand...he is wrong. you are not worthless. you are strong and capable. you are able to give your children the gift of seeing you stand on your own and raise them to know that they are worthwhile.
pack what you can. if there is something big that you really want, is there a friend you can store it with? my belief is that no matter what you leave behind-it is OK. the priority is you and your children. the rest is just *stuff*. {I do admit that my perspective on *stuff* has changed greatly in the last couple of months} if you need to go to a shelter, so be it. though if you can avoid it by just heading to the fil's place, that is what I would do. when you get where you are going...contact social services and see what you can qualify for to help you with housing, food, and assistance with dd. if fil belongs to a church, tap into their resources. if you belong to a church now, find one of the same denomination there and ask for help. even if you do not belong to a church, consider calling around to see if one of them can help you.
once you leave, give yourself some time to feel "normal". it may get worse before it gets better..especially working out a workable system for dealing with your husband. it will get better though. one day you will realize that you are strong and are able to parent on your own.






Quote:
Originally Posted by Avani View Post
Yes true,but it is so not as easy as saying pack and go.Alot of mama's use that response around here.I have 5 children including one in a wheelchair and a newborn.All of our possessions are in this house.They love their dad.Just packing a bag and going seems easy enough until you look at the other side.Showing up somewhere with no belongings and no money.Having to get a place to live with really bad credit and no job.5 little children to care for.I could end up in a shelter for months.For some that seems better then my situation which it may be.It is truly hard to leave everything behind and go towards a possibly very incomfortable future.I could really use a therapist to help turn around my self esteem that has been thoroughly destroyed by my husband.
post #46 of 85
12/20/06 at 2:08pm
as far as CA and being able to legally move the children out of the state... I did some searching on the Internet. I couldn't find anything that addressed the situation while you are married. if you are divorced, you must have a judges permission or jointly agree for the children to be moved to another state according to CA laws. I can speak for how it is in texas. here if you are married, you both share joint legal and physical custody-therefor either parent can make the decision on where the children reside. meaning he could take the kids out of state as well as you could.
if CA is the same, you could move out of state with the kids as long as you do so before anyone files for divorce. I would make sure that you write down (document) why you left the state...what resources are available there vs here that allow you to support and care for your family. do not show the documentation to husband, just keep it for yourself in case there is an issue with having to show why you left the state later.
it might also be a good idea to call legal aid or even just any family law lawyer and tell them that you and husband are still married and haven't filed and do you have the legal right to take your children out of state?
post #47 of 85
12/20/06 at 2:23pm
If you are unsure about the law in your area, and are afraid to leave before you know what the legal boundaries are, the only way to know for sure is to pick up the phone and call a lawyer. Call a women's resource center and ask if they have a legal advocate. But you are going to continue to wonder until you make the actual calls.

It must be daunting to think of moving all those kids, no doubt. But what ever happened to the father in law? It sounded like he, and/or other people, were willing to help. The thought of going must be daunting, but the thought of staying has to be even worse...waiting for that lunatic to come home and terrorize all of you. Yes, the kids love their father. But they can still love him, from a safe place, where the idea of "love" isn't mixed up with terrifying scenes.

You can definitely go to counseling, it's so good that you realize that something has happened to your self esteem...you can pick up all the pieces later...but the first step is to physically remove yourselves. Good luck.
post #48 of 85
12/20/06 at 6:22pm
Wow three pages of super groovy chicks all giving you the same advise...I sure hope you will listen....
post #49 of 85
12/20/06 at 8:06pm
When you file for the restraining order they should be able to tell you what your rights are regarding leaving the state, or point you in the direction of a lawyer. Now would be the time to line one up anyways, since you don't plan on staying married to him. You need solid legal advice more than ever right now.
post #50 of 85
12/20/06 at 8:07pm
What I don't get is that he is allowed to leave....go away for extended periods of time without giving you notice or acknowledging any responsibility for your children....and the minute you talk about it....suddenly he's all upset.

I'm sorry, but this man is playing you. He doesn't give a rat's patootie about his children or he'd be at home caring for them and helping out while your daughter is recovering.

He is controlling you and you are allowing it. STOP communicating with him and get yourself and your children ANYWHERE that you need to go to be safe.

If he comes back saying you 'kidnapped them' you can easily say that you just went to visit HIS family while he was away. I don't think there is a judge in America that won't see through his B.S.
post #51 of 85
12/20/06 at 8:36pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by MsChatsAlot View Post

I don't think there is a judge in America that won't see through his B.S.
Exactly. Never mind the little tidbit that the guy is a FELON. Somehow he's convinced you that he has a legal leg to stand on. Well, HE DOESN'T! You have a lot more power than you think you do, if you really want to leave.
post #52 of 85
12/20/06 at 8:54pm
Thread Starter 
You know the cops said being a felon meant nothing.

The girlfriend has been texting me some sweet messages.I am delusional and using my children as pawns.I am a waste of a person who is going to make everyone want to kill themselves.She seems like a great lady huh?
post #53 of 85
12/20/06 at 9:11pm
sweet friend-
I don't know what it is going to take for you to make the moves to be away from him. I wish you so much strength and the ability to leave and not play into this relationship anymore.
I just don't know how to support you anymore since you are still right there in the middle of it all. Please get the order. Leave for good.
I know it's hard, I know all the history you have and, nothing is going to ever change untill you remove yourself for good.
much love~
post #54 of 85
12/20/06 at 11:33pm
hi honey,
it is so hard, I know it. one of the things you say is your fear of how long you will be in a shelter and leaving everything behind. Everything what exactly is everything? What is the good part of what you are leaving.

You have to think past the shelter. To a different life of some kind. Even if you can't imagine it, you have to believe, BELIEVE there is a different life for you, that is better, that is healthy, that is not filled with abuse, lies and duplicity.

~~~we are thinking of you with love and support~~~
post #55 of 85
12/20/06 at 11:34pm
you will never leave if you do not believe that you deserve a better life, for you, and for your kids.
post #56 of 85
12/21/06 at 12:46am
do not get caught up in the anger...at him or the girlfriend. you are controled by the anger as much as the abuse. just push it aside until it is sake for you to process it. right now you need to ignore the anger and focus on getting you and the kids out of there.
post #57 of 85
12/21/06 at 1:04am
You can do this. You are on your way. The next move is yours. You have a wealth of information and support and love here. Get gone. And stay gone. And the longer you stay gone, the more time you spend out of his grasp and influence, the more you will rediscover yourself. Your power will grow day by day. Minute by minute, even. But you have to do it. And you cannot communicate with him for a long time. It may not be forever, but you have to cut that tie. For your sake. For your childrens' sake.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Avani View Post
You know the cops said being a felon meant nothing.

The girlfriend has been texting me some sweet messages.I am delusional and using my children as pawns.I am a waste of a person who is going to make everyone want to kill themselves.She seems like a great lady huh?
Cops are not attorneys, nor are they judges. Talk to a lawyer.

Save those text messages. They'll come in handy when you do go talk to a judge.

Quote:
It is truly hard to leave everything behind and go towards a possibly very incomfortable future.
What about your present situation is comfortable, exactly? Would you rather have a possibly uncomfortable future or an absolutely horrible, miserable present? If you stay around this man, you may have no future at all (remember the "bury you in the backyard" comment?).
post #58 of 85
12/21/06 at 1:19am
What state are you in? I think I might have missed that part...:
post #59 of 85
12/21/06 at 1:53am
Ca
post #60 of 85
12/21/06 at 6:32am
I keep hoping I am going to log on and read that you have cut off all communication with these people and freed yourself and your children. But you are still breathing in the toxin, and staying enmeshed, while holding onto the script that it is "hard" to move on.

Well, the first thing you change is that script: It is impossible to stay. It is toxic to remain enmeshed in the abuse. I am strong enough to make a life for myself and my children. I will not let my children grow up breathing in this poison.

I guess you still have not reached the point where you won't tolerate it anymore. I have compassion for that, and for you... But until you reach that point, there's not much else to say. I hope you reach it soon, for the sake of your children, at any rate. The unhappiness and despair pours out of your posts.. it is hard to read, even when it is just a stranger on the internet.
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