GD can be lonely...

[Rainbowbird]

I feel more and more that I am really in the minority when it comes to discipline. In other words, most people, and I know this is no surprise here, don't understand or appreciate GD. We have a very spirited almost-4 year old son who is quite wonderful in so many ways...but clearly others, meaning extended family and even some friends, think we are not disciplining him because we do not hit or yell, and I don't even use time out much anymore, since I don't think it helps. I try to use logical consequences, mainly. DH is starting to think I am too "lax" and while he doesn't want to spank, I think secretly he thinks one spanking would solve all of our problems.

I'm prompted to write this after dinner with friends at their home Sat. night. DS got kind of wild, running around a lot. Obviously dinnertime is fraught with problems anyway (the witching hour) but we wanted to see these friends before they went away for the holidays, and we hadn't seen them in 2 mos. So we went. I know they didn't really appreciate how we handled DS. He got multiple reminders to slow down and not run in the house. DH restrained him gently on his lap for a bit. Which just prompted a tantrum. It was time to go anyway, and in the flurry of getting coats etc. DS threw a rubber ball and knocked over a Christmas decoration and broke it. Needless to say, we all apologized and made a hasty exit. DS was asleep about 15 min. after we got home.

DH felt the need to email these friends and apologize for our son's behavior. The husband wrote back and suggested that we do whatever necessary to discipline him next time, they won't mind a bit, and that THEY find that THEIR children respond to their efforts to discipline them. Their methods include spanking and putting the child in the corner. I found this offensive to say the least. DH told him that next time we plan to leave sooner if DS can't control himself. I hate to do that, but I think we may have to so that he knows he cannot behave that way. I also think we will avoid late in the day gatherings until his behavior is better. He doesn't nap anymore, so by 5pm it's a downward spiral.

I've got my own issues with even wanting to continue the friendship since finding out that they spank. But it's just so lonely trying to find people who think the same way I do. I am slowly finding new friends at my son's preschool, which is a gentle environment and seems to draw parents who do GD. But it takes time. I'm tired of being viewed as someone who is spoiling her child because I won't spank. I won't even go into how my dad views my parenting style...

Oh well, just had to vent. Thanks for listening if you made it this far!

[rmzbm]

I understand...

[embers]

I totally understand. ((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))) to you! (((((((((((SUPPORT)))))))))))

I am glad that your husband is supportive and part of the 'team'... when feeling isolate, having a great partner is wonderful. That is my experience, anyway.

A suggestion: If seeing and interacting with these friends is important to your family, perhaps have them in YOUR home to visit... or go to neutral child-focused places (a pizza joint with a play area, etc). This may help everyone have a better time. Otherwise, if you do find yourself back at their home, make a plan before hand. Maybe bring a few really engaging toys or activites... even new ones that your child has never seen before. Make it clear to everyone when you arrive that your son is sleepy and if he starts having a difficult time, your family will be leaving to avoid a melt down. On that note, maybe try to meet in the middle of the day, instead? A cool lunch and coffee get together, and plan some fun finger foods for your son (or a fruit smoothie with a new cool straw, etc) to keep him interested and focused, and also involved... so that he is participating and not bored.

No matter what you do or do not do... I am proud of you for being such a wonderful momma - even when it is 'unpopular'. That is very strong of you.

If you find yourself feeling lonely or isolated, there are many online/yahoo/etc groups for families that do GD and various other responsible and respectful parenting practices.

[straighthaircurly]

I salute you in your efforts to be GD and while you may feel alone, remember you have us! I do think your analysis of the situation is good...it wasn't a good time of day for your son, he would have learned nothing from being disciplined as your friends suggested when he is exhausted. All it would have accomplished would have been a complete emotional breakdown. I have learned that when my son stops listening to resonable expectations that it is time to beat a hasty retreat because it means he is too tired to act rationally.

In terms of seeing your friends again, I would only do it if you think you and they can separate your friendship from your respective judgements about each others child rearing decisions.

[Venice Mamacita]

We're in the same boat, especially since the vast majority of our friends don't have children. I think it's wonderful that you & your DH are on the same page re: GD (even if he may be wavering a little . . . have him read "Spanking Undermines Discipline" at www.connectionparenting.com).

I have nothing new to offer, unfortunately. I try very hard not to give in to the temptation to explain DS' behavior to anyone (other than DH). This has been challenging for me because, like you, we seem to be alone in the GD world (especially when it comes to the grandparents!), and I want everyone to understand that we're not lazy or afraid of disciplining him, we're making a conscious choice to do it differently. Ultimately, our son is the only one we have to answer to about how we parent him.

So, we don't take DS (who's 3.5) places that are inappropriate for someone his age (art galleries, grown-up parties, childless friends' houses, etc.) unless we plan to be there no more than 30 minutes. When we want to get together with friends, they come to our house where DS is comfortable and no one gets upset if something gets broken.

I'm hoping that we'll make some new friends when DS starts preschool early in the new year, but in the meantime we're on our own. But I have MDC for support, and that has been a lifesaver for me. I know in my heart we're doing the right thing for our family.

Hang in there . . . and remember, we're here for you!

[mistymama]

Oh my, I've so been there! Everyone is right on, and I don't have much to add except for my own experience.

When my son was around 2 years old I was dating my current DP, and trying to educate him about GD. He grew up knowing nothing but punitive discipline and even had the nerve to tell me one day about how he thought spanking had it's place, blah, blah, blah. We took DS on a train trip .. it was during naptime, he was overstimulated and to make a long story short he was mad he could not walk around and SCREAMED and hit us the entire 45 min ride. It was awful. I watched all those other parents with 2 year olds who were sitting like little angels and wondered what on earth I was doing wrong?! My DP and I had a long talk that night about it, and nearly broke up because he didn't know if he could parent the way I do. And I must admit, for the first time since I became a parent ... I doubted myself and wondered if GD was just turning my kid into a spoiled brat.

Fast forward 2 years (and no change in parenting later!) and you'll see such a sweet, well behaved kiddo. Also a DP who believes almost as strongly as I do in GD, and would never even think of spanking.

You are doing the right thing. We've all had those AWFUL, embarassing parenting moments that made us doubt our methods. But you know in your heart that you are doing the right thing. Hang in there.

I know that for a long time I was just not able to take my son to places that would overstimulate him. I totally worked my schedule around him, and what would set him up to behave as good as he possibly could.

I understand your friends might have been upset by your son running wild, well, if they are really friends they will respect your parenting differences and you guys can find ways to hang out where it will be easier for your son to participate.

Just don't let other people's judgement cloud your vision of what is right for your family. I know I was almost there one day, and looking back, I'm so happy I had the strength to stand up for what I felt was right.

((( hugs )))

[MamaSoleil]

I hear the loneliness part! Which is why I've returned to MDC!
Just sending you a cyber I can see you've already got your goals with DS, stick to them, and continue to be strong!

[ma_Donna]

Yep, I hear you too.

Why do people think that my child has no boundaries because I don't punish? I'm constantly guiding him within the boundaries. I'd much prefer to be his teacher than his warden!

Almost all of the time I just have to think a little bit more to guide my child and find that it works so much better. When my frustration level peaks over my patience level (which has been happening a little too frequently for my happiness recently) I do get flustered, raise my voice, get inflexible, etc and I KNOW that it's actually harder to do it that way.

Anyway, I find that almost always when I want to crawl under a rock because of DS' behavior I quickly find him asleep.

[Rainbowbird]

Wow, thanks for all the support. There are times when I have felt that way...like okay, maybe this isn't working. Not that I would abandon GD, but is there SOMETHING else I should be doing? And the lonely part, and feeling judged, is hard.

But it is a relief to hear others' stories and get the support here. Thanks, everyone!

[mavery]

I also think your dh was just right in responding to the discipline comment from the host - stating what your strategy would be another time, and thereby implicitly making clear that you do not discipline the way they do AND that you don't think it's okay for your ds to go wild and break things and that you have 'tools' ready to deal with problems.

[EllenC]

Originally Posted by ma_Donna

I'd much prefer to be his teacher than his warden!

:

I totally sympathize, too, because I get that feeling whenever my extended family gets together. The thing is, I don't see how spanking is supposed to help. My DD is 2 1/2. So if she's tired, I'm supposed to spank her? If she accidentally breaks something, I'm supposed to spank her? Because she does not want to sit in the family picture (this happened) I'm supposed to spank her? Or is it that if I did spank her all the time, she'd have such fear of me she'd do what I said when I said it? I guess that's it, but that is not how I want it. At some point, she will be too big to spank, and what is my leverage then? I think GD is the best way to go because it allows you and your children to feel like you are on the same team, working together.