What makes a good parent?

[PrairieBohemian]

This has probably been asked before but I have really been wondering about this lately. After having my second child, I feel I went from a pretty damn good mom to one to a mediocre mom to two. Maybe I am being hard on myself but I wondering if there really is a such thing as a "good parent" or a "bad parent"? Is it the same thing as being a "good/bad wife or a good/bad friend?"

[Sagesgirl]

Of course there is such a thing as being a bad parent. But I don't think there's a such thing as being a mediocre parent. It seems to be something you are either good at or really, really bad at. What makes a good parent? Adult children who are healthy, happy, and well-adjusted, at least insofar as any of those things are within your control.

[PrairieBohemian]

By mediocre I mean I've gone downhill from being a good parent but doubt I could be called a bad parent. It was all so simple with just one...

[UptownZoo]

Totally socially constructed. I almost never live up to my ideals for my own behavior (Well, except in the area of dental hygiene.). Doesn't make me bad. I do the best I can on any given day, but my family's needs change constantly, and I'm better at some stages than others (Infancy? I rock. Toddlerhood and preschooler ages? Not so much; I kind of hang on and wait for that magical 5th birthday. Middle childhood and early adolescence? I'm really good at this part; cross your fingers for me, because my eldest became a teenager last week! God help me, I hope I'm good at parenting teenagers!).

So, you probably just need to change your definition. Parenting multiple children is very different from parenting one child. Maybe you're expecting that you should spend X number of hours actively, personally involved, but with the shift from 1 child to 2, you can only give X minus 2, or whatever, to each child. Doesn't make you "bad"; it makes you a human, with limited resources of time and energy.

So anyway, I think I'm sounding like a politician, but I don't think there's really an answer. Parenting is the ultimate balancing act, and the trick is, once you figure it all out, it goes and changes (sometimes massively) and you have to figure it out all over again. The transitions are always hard. You'll find your rhythm again.

[RawVeganMom]

A good parent is one who loves the children & cares. That is all. Everything else is just details.

[siobhang]

I like this site on Good vs Bad Mothers.

http://sabrinaporterfield.blogspot.com/

Helps keep my perspective when I have a bad day.

[sparkprincess]

Originally Posted by uptownzoo

Totally socially constructed. I almost never live up to my ideals for my own behavior (Well, except in the area of dental hygiene.). Doesn't make me bad. I do the best I can on any given day, but my family's needs change constantly, and I'm better at some stages than others (Infancy? I rock. Toddlerhood and preschooler ages? Not so much; I kind of hang on and wait for that magical 5th birthday. Middle childhood and early adolescence? I'm really good at this part; cross your fingers for me, because my eldest became a teenager last week! God help me, I hope I'm good at parenting teenagers!).

So, you probably just need to change your definition. Parenting multiple children is very different from parenting one child. Maybe you're expecting that you should spend X number of hours actively, personally involved, but with the shift from 1 child to 2, you can only give X minus 2, or whatever, to each child. Doesn't make you "bad"; it makes you a human, with limited resources of time and energy.

So anyway, I think I'm sounding like a politician, but I don't think there's really an answer. Parenting is the ultimate balancing act, and the trick is, once you figure it all out, it goes and changes (sometimes massively) and you have to figure it out all over again. The transitions are always hard. You'll find your rhythm again.

:

[Sagesgirl]

Originally Posted by animus_silvae

By mediocre I mean I've gone downhill from being a good parent but doubt I could be called a bad parent. It was all so simple with just one...

Nope, you're still a good parent. I think questioning it is actually a good sign. It shows that you care. Apathy's a killer (quite literally, unfortunately). I don't want to try to put my own issues on you, but we're trying to adopt three cousins of mine because of truly bad parenting, and a few stories have just hit in the local media...Maybe my bar for bad parenting is set pretty high, KWIM?

Uptownzoo is right, parenting two kids is nothing like parenting just one. Well, OK, it's a lot like, but there's simply not as much time anymore. I don't think there's really any way, short of spacing your kids 10 years or so apart, that you can really give baby #2 just as much one-on-one time as you could with the first kid. And we're all super-excited about the first baby and everything...

I am slowly coming to realize that each stage of motherhood can be savored on its own account. Sometimes I get sad or feel a little guilty when I think about things I did with/for Bobbie that just didn't happen with Linda...I mean, I went and had professional, high-quality portraits done of Bobbie every three months before Linda was born. Now I joke that it's a good thing they looked so much alike in their first year 'cause it means I can pass off some of the pix of Bobbie as pix of Linda. But I was a better mom in some ways with Linda because of having gone through it all once before (and then some; oldest was the only one with colic). Another joke here is that the first kid is the experimental one. You have theories with number one, but they've been tested and modified by the time number two rolls around.

So you are a different parent, but I highly doubt you are a worse one.

[krisw]

Sadly, of late I'm starting to think that a "good parent" is one who does NOT wind up in the news because of causing something unfortunate to happen to the child(ren) through abuse or negligence.

Right now, my nearly 9 month old son is driving me out of energy and out of ability to do much of anything, so I feel like I am "neglectful" a lot of days--we hang out in the bedroom, he romps around with his toys and I sit/lie on the bed with my laptop. He comes over to me or fusses when he needs me. I nurse him and change his diaper. Every few days we do bathtime. I'm definitely meeting his physical needs and most days he seems happy with telling me when he needs me but *I* don't feel like a good parent. I do play with him at least a bit every day, and I try to read to him and so on, but I just don't feel like I do enough.

But neither do I feel like I can meet my *own* needs. I find it hard to do a lot in the way of housework/laundry, some days it's hard for me to get my meals in, and showering? heh. He does great when I am right there and he can have me when he needs me, but not so much if I try to leave the room, and he's reeeeealy teething right now.

Most days, we stay relatively clean, he at least is fed when hungry, and we stay relatively sane. He's learning, and growing, and developing, so I can't say I'm rotten. But I don't feel good enough.

And I only have the one kid!

[A&A]

Are you the kind of parent you would appreciate having if you were the child?