custody battle / ex takes dd because i'm poly

[josephine_e]

im so sad and in need of support. basically, i'm poly and a sex worker. (my job is perfectly legal and legit. and i never in any way endanger my kids.) i live with my husband, dd 2yr and ds 5mo in an intentional community / art workspace. anyway, dd's genetic father, who lives 6hrs away got wind that we're poly and of my job and decided to fight me for custody. only he did it in such a way that i was really REALLY unprepared. he now has temporary custody of dd until we go to final hearing. i'm so miserable. dd's coming home friday for christmas and she's supposed to leave tuesday. all of this is fueled by dd's dad's parents, who are christian, right wing, upper middle class. they've told him things like that child molestors target "communes" (i tried to explain the difference between commune and intentional community, but ... bah..) and they're playing off of his fears and ignorance about polyamory. i'm trying to at least inform / educate him so that he can make his own decision, but it's hard when they're feeding him with so much fear.

anyway, i've been depressed and sulking all week. i've never imagined having my little girl taken from me, especially in such a cruel way! .. and i just need a few words of encouragement / advice. tia.

[MamaRhi]

Hey Mama,

I'm sorry this is happening to you. Have you heard of Loving More? I believe they have legal advice on their website. (http://www.lovemore.com) You can also go here: http://www.polyamorysociety.org/legaldiv.html

There shouldn't be any grounds for losing your child with legal employment or intentional community. Right wingers can be quite scary, but you're doing nothing wrong. Also, polyamory is not exactly illegal. Search the web for resources. This has happened to others and there is help out there.

My thoughts are with you and your family.

-Another Poly Mama

[MichelleW]

so hard, my thoughts are with you.
I find it so strange that someone with no custody to begin with can fight for it out of no where (& win). So, I'm whole-heartedly rooting for you. And for te record, I think parents who are sex workers and intentional communites are great, as they are able to teach their kids so much about life, respect & difference.
Good luck.

[teafor2]

I have no advice, but much support---your family will be in my thoughts. So sorry to hear this!

[monkeysmommy]

I have no advice but I couldn't read without replying. I am so sorry this is happening to you. Your x probably believes he is doing the right thing. I will be praying for you and your little girl.

Do you have an attorney?

[BrooklynDoula]

Whata tricky and terrifying situation. A good lawyer is really needed because while those factors are not grounds for a loss of custody, what the court rules on is 'what is in the best interest of the child' and they could find that his living situation is 'better suited' than yours for full time care. I am in no way agreeing with this, a poly mom myself, but do think you need some good legal help to ensure that the spin does not go this way.

Sending you much strenght and support. Enjoy your visit with your daughter and fight like hell to keep her.

[josephine_e]

thank you all so much for your thoughts and encouragement! we've had a lovely holliday weekend.

little update: i finally got to have a productive conversation with ex. we mostly talked about sex work and about "healthy" attitudes about sex for dd. we have different stances on sex work in general -- i, of course, am in the 3rd wave feminest camp of "it's my body, i own it, and i can decide what to do with it!" .. where as he's more 'post-feminist' and believes that sex work in general is objectifying and unhealthy. (of course, he has not experience or study to base this opinion on). i told him that he had some very valid points, even though i disagree. bla bla ... anyway, like i said, it was really productive and i think i helped him to see that just because he and i disagree, doesn't mean that dd is going to be affected badly by either of our opinions, so long as we keep explanations honest and age-appropriate.

i also lent him a copy of the <u>the ethical slut</u>, which i'm hoping he has at least browsed this weekend.

he says he believes we can work this whole thing outside of court, and i really hope he means it (i think he does... he's not a dishonest person at heart). i know he wants to be with his daughter, and i think that he has the right to be. he's just scared, but i think lots of good communication will help with that.

he might even be coming up this week to spend a few days with us. i really hope so, and i'll keep y'all posted on any new improvements.

[Equuskia]

I hope you can convince him to work together with you. I mean, if he wanted to see his dd, he could have just asked no? No need to go to court and whatnot. Good luck and I hope everything works out for you and dd.

[monkeysmommy]

Great! That conversation sounds very promising.

Happy holidays to you and your family.

[josephine_e]

yesterday ex picked up dd. he said he couldn't come up and talk/see the situation for himself because he has a cold. he completely turned off on my and wouldn't have a real conversation at all. he wouldn't say when he'd talk to me again. i'm giving up. i've been trying so hard for 2yrs to get him on my side and all he wants is to be distant from me -- even though i've told him that it will tear lyla apart. i'm calling a lawyer tomorrow. :sob: i'm so miserable. i spent all of yesterday sobbing. i really feel like i'm on the edge. dp has decided to move back in w his parents because he and i need some space. he's taking ds with him so that i can concentate on working and getting enough $ for a good lawyer. and also taking care of myself because i'm really really depressed and feel like i'm about to break. i think i'm going to go on a retreat, start doing yoga, and spending a lot of time learning how to take care of myself... i feel like it's the best thing for our whole family, but it's the hardest situation i've ever imagined myself in. i'm going to miss my baby boy so much, and i already miss his sister! it's s hard for meto keep hate out of my heart here. i know i have to find it in my to love dd's father, even though he treats me like this. still, i can't let him keep hurting me, and i can't trust him when he's already lied to me a lot.

please everyone keep praying for me. you have no idea how much your encouragement helps!

[Salihah]

I don't have any advice, but I really just wanted to chime in and say I am thinking of you and I really hope things work out!

[monkeysmommy]

Oh, I am sooo sorry to hear that. Do you have a lawyer in mind? I feel so sad for you. I will keep praying that for your ex's heart and mind to be opened and for you to get a good lawyer who has experience dealing with alternative lifestyles. He thinks he's doing what's best for your daughter, and he needs to see that he's not.

: : : :

[MichelleW]

you're still in my thoughts. hope it works out well for your family.

[bjorker]

I'm so sorry. That is just so unfair, but you certainly are a strong mama (I can really tell by your posts!), you'll get through this! I hope you can find a good lawyer that you can trust. I'll be thinking of you.

[angel1895]

seeing that being poly.. .and I mean this in the kindest way.. so please dont get me wrong... you are living a very taboo lifestyle... and from op it just sounds like hes trying to do the right thing by this kid and give her a "normal" life

again.. no offense

I'll certainly be thinking of you.

[josephine_e]

i don't take offense at all! i know that i'm different and that it's a lot "safer" to go with the crowd (if for no other reason than because they won't try to hurt you if you go along with them).. and i know ex is just scared and trying to do what's right. but in my book, there are two very important rules to doing what's right: honesty and compassion. he's shown me neither and i'm very very hurt.

thank you all again. i know that everything will be okay no matter what.

[witt]

Originally Posted by MichelleW

so hard, my thoughts are with you.
I find it so strange that someone with no custody to begin with can fight for it out of no where (& win). So, I'm whole-heartedly rooting for you. And for te record, I think parents who are sex workers and intentional communites are great, as they are able to teach their kids so much about life, respect & difference.
Good luck.

:

[josephine_e]

Update

a lot has gone on in the past months. i haven't been on mothering in a long time, so i thought it would be nice to post a little update to our situation.

dp went back to stay with his mom with ds and i spent a month in depression and drunkenness, not knowing what to do. should i fight? should i move back to a city that makes me even more depressed? should i run away to the amazon jungle and climb a tree somewhere?! ....

i ended up in a zen temple. i decided to live there for a month (which will be over next week). the experience has been wonderful and also the hardest thing i've ever done. through a lot of introspection and some clarity on the situation, i decided not to let this thing get drawn out in court. i knew that ex wouldn't be able to have an honest conversation with me as long as his lawyer/aunt was telling him not to (ie, as long as the case was still open). so i signed the papers. i still, and think i always will, wonder if i did the right thing. but i know i did the thing that felt right. i've decided to move back to mb and try to be whatever kind of a part of dd's life i can.

i saw her the other day for the first time since christmas. she's gotten so big! and she has sentences now. and her counting has sky rocketed. we had a good day playing, but she was confused about the situation. she didn't hug or kiss me and i didn't push her to, even though my heart was breaking.

again, i have no idea if i've handled this situation in the "right" way. but ... what is "right" anyway? ... this is the kind of thing that makes us realize that we really don't know. that we're all just doing our best. i've given myself a lot of time to look at it and i asked myself this question: what do i want? obviously, i want my daughter. but what's the most important thing i want? the answer: i want my children to live in a situation where they feel love, kindness, honesty and compassion. i want them to see this from the adults in their lives. i want them to be kept out of unnecessary conflict. i knew that a custody battle was all out war, and that my relationship with ex would probably be destroyed by the end of it, regardless of the outcome. i want dd to see all of her parents treating each other kindly. i want her to know that the people in her life are there for her and each other. i want her to know that family loves each other.

ex and i have had two fairly good, though still frustrating, conversations in the past week. he has agreed to go to counseling with me. he also has told me that he doesn't consider dp a part of dd's family, except for the fact that he's married to me. this hurt me so much, since dp is the one who's been there since i was 4mo. pregnant. he's the one who drove me to the hospital, scared to death, when i started having pre-term contractions. he watched her be born, with tears in his eyes. he dedicated his life to her for 2 years without looking back. .... ex just doesn't get what <i> family </i> means.

bah. anyway, i'm ranting now. long and short of it : we're trying our hardest and i truly believe that we can change this hard situation (and all the anger and hurt) with enough love and perseverance.

hopefully there will be a blog up soon,. i'll post it up here and i hope you all will visit it and keep sending all your good energy! thank you for your prayers and thoughts, all of you!

[confused60]

Sounds like you are growing being a Mother is kinda like growing up together with your children you kinda learn as you go. I am sure you dd will always look up to you even if she feels you made some mistakes . And one day most likely she will think (even if she does not say) WOW my Mom is the best. I will be looking forward to your blog.
Good luck

confused60

[josephine_e]

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...34#post8414634