DH won't agree to homeschool!

[iluvmybabies]

I am so sad. I knew that my DH wasn't thrilled with the idea of homeschooling our son. But I showed him all the benefits and reasons why I think that it is the best thing for our family. It must have gone in one ear and out the other (sorry for the cliche)because he is just not agreeing to it. I love my husband and would never do anything without his approval but it is so hard when I really feel that this is the best thing for our child.
The biggest thing I don't understand is that DH had horrible experiences in school- kids made fun of him all the time and now he has awful social anxiety and self esteem issues. Our DS kinda goes through that also- because he is like the smallest boy in the entire 3rd grade. That isn't the only reason I want to homeschool him- just 1 small reason. You would think that Dh would want to protect his kids from that happening to them. DS is actually Dh stepson and Dh has admitted that he is jealous of DS and I relationship, so I kind of think that Dh doesn't want DS to be home with me all day because of that. DH says that this is not the case. His reasons for not wanting to homeschool are this.
1. DS won't learn discipline and conflict resolution-like waiting his turn to talk-(he's 8 he already knows that-and I don't think the public school has that as part of thier curriculum )
2. DS won't learn (hold on while I :Puke ) social skills- (I have given him tons of info on why this could possibly be the most ridiculous statement ever)
3. DS is going to be too hyper in the evening when DH gets home and will irritate him.(yeah- cause G*d knows they get tons of exercise sitting in a desk all day- plus he plays with his friends outside after school anyway)
4. DH thinks I might go crazy (what? you mean I'm not already?)


There are more silly reasons but these are the main ones. I don't think that there is anything I can do or say to change his mind. I am so bummed out.

[1growingsprout]

this may not be politically correct but..
you say DH is step dad to your son... what does your sons birth father say about homeschooling? it sounds like there are issues with DH ... and i say first and foremost you are the bio parent... you get final say...

[SandyBeachBums]

Parents are a team. I'm not sure if the bio dad is involved. I was raised by my mom and stepdad. They were a team. You have to make decisions and give and take (another bad one huh). I think it might be better to approach it like this...

I have really researched homeschooling. I value your opinion, I realize you are not happy about it. But, I believe it is the best choice for us right now. This next year I am planning on homeschooling. I think we can give it a go for a semester and see how it goes. I believe we can try first and see what it really does for our family.

Here are some of the options I am looking into...hand him catalogs, print outs, etc....What do you think of these?

Don't confuse him with unschooling, relaxed schooling etc. If you have the money I would pick something like Sonlight (I think your sig. says your Christian) or Well Trained Mind as a guide. You can always relax later, but it gives him something to see. It shows him you have done your homework and you are confident in your abilities.

Good Luck!

[paganmum]

I have to agree with the PP. If you are the bio parent then you have say. It sounds like Dh has issues.

[AnnR33]

My DH also did not agree even after all the same conversations you had. He had many of the same concerns your DH has.
I finally just had to take a stand and say this was best for our child. He wasn'y happy about it but I said we'd give it 1 semester and evaluate. We're now in our sencond year and DH is very supportive though he still has concerns for later schooling.
It made a huge difference for my DH to meet other homeschoolers "like us" so that DH could relate to someone. The only reference point he had was his ultra religious brother who hsed who's DD was not socialized w/ other kids and very sheltered.
Now he sees that homeschooled kids are actually much better behaved in many respects and more respectful than their PS peers....
Be strong, do what's best for your child.

[hipumpkins]

I told my Dh he has to find as much positive research about school as I have about homeschooling. we will be homeschooling so he has to convince me otherwise..if he can't..well than homeschooling it is.

[Dillpicklechip]

Originally Posted by hipumpkins

I told my Dh he has to find as much positive research about school as I have about homeschooling. we will be homeschooling so he has to convince me otherwise..if he can't..well than homeschooling it is.

That's a really fabulous and logical way to go about it, I think.

[Needle in the Hay]

My DH wasn't in agreement either. I didn't see why school should be the default and that we'd both have to agree to homeschool. Especially since either way I was the one who would be dealing with it (for the most part).

I was careful what I said so he wouldn't think I didn't care about his concerns, but I did stay strong on this because it really was the best for our child & I was the one in the position of direct responsibility for the homeschooling. Most DHs do come around, eventually. I think it's hard for many DHs to say "yes OK let's homeschool". I did the research, I tried to convince, but for a lot of men, they need to see it in action before they can agree that it works!

I do not agree with anything that has been said here about him not being the biodad so he doesn't have say. I don't get the feeling the OP feels that way at all and he is the dad who is there! How awful to use that argument when he is already sensitive about it. My DH is our DS's biodad and I still felt I had more say because I was the one at home and the one doing the research. I just didn't put it that way to my DH. It was more like "we aren't going to agree on this so let's try the homeschooling for awhile and we will address your concerns about it as we go." It was a tense period but we got through it and I have no regrets.

[hipumpkins]

Especially since either way I was the one who would be dealing with it (

Ooo i didn't even consider that...Putting that on my another reason to homeschool list.


Also you may have noticed HS has been in the news more and more..all positive. Even Reader's Digest did an article, "How to rasie an A plus (I can't find that plus key) student and Homeschooling was mentioed in a very good ligt. My Dh had to nod b/c it was in a very mainstream magazine ..

[chaos_pie]

Well, just to add another reluctant dh story to the mix, we actually were in a different place for taking ds out of school (agressive teacher) so it was obvious he needed out, but even as we started hs my husband still was very skeptical. However, after 6 weeks seeing ds become a calmer, much easier to be around kid, AND seeing that ds was doing some amazing high quality work at home, dh completely changed his tune (although he still says he thinks parents "can effectively homeschool the more advanced subjects"-- whatever). These days I have seen my husband actually talk down-right enthusiastically about homeschooling.

I would say do the experiment, see how it goes, I bet you dh will come around.

[iluvmybabies]

Thanks for all your replies and stories! It is nice to know that others went through this and still suceeded to HS. I am not going to give up yet, I've decided. I will keep giving DH articles on the benefits of homeschooling and then maybe try and convince him to do a trial period or something. I guess I won't stress about it too much over the holidays. Just to let OP know, biodad is in the picture but VERY VERY minimally. He sees DS about 5-10 days a year and lives in Oregon(we are in arizona ).And so to be truthful- he isn't much of a father and I don't think he really has much of a say in this- he wouldn't be in favor of HS anyway. In fact- I don't think any of my family is supportive of it. . I just wanted to start HS after break and it doesn't look like it will happen that way. The sad thing is that DS came home from school yesterday and was all upset about a couple of boys in his grade that keep taking his bike off the bike rack at school and throwing it down in front of him. Poor kid- He doesn't even want to ride his bike to school anymore, he wants me to drive him. I am just so sad for him.

[mattemma04]

My dh does not seem very supportive either.It is odd how everyone seems to forget we were *trying* ps out,and now that my dd is in I am told she needs to toughen up and all that.It is as if there is no longer any other option for schooling. You should report the bully incident.If properly handled the boys would be brought before the head of the school.They should not be allowed to intimidate your child,or damage another person's property. Ofcourse it may lead to more bullying. I wish your son the best,and peace for you with your dh.Not sure what I will do.Ofcourse I would love to just pull my child,and kind of go with ..."oh by the way honey I am hsing again." Best of luck!

[laohaire]

Originally Posted by iluvmybabies

I will keep giving DH articles on the benefits of homeschooling and then maybe try and convince him to do a trial period or something.

One thing I've noticed about men is that when you ask them for permission to do something (and that's what you are doing), they think (reasonably) that you're asking them to make the decision. And if you need him to make the decision, then his decision is No. But you might be very surprised to find, if you are willing to make the decision, that he might be perfectly fine with it (even if it's not the decision he would make). See, there's a difference between asking him to make a decision, and asking him to go along with yours - at least in a man's head, there is.

So you could simply say something like "Let's do a trial period" or "I want to do a trial period." That's not overruling him. It's just you making YOUR decision - and at that point he can respond, by refusing, abstaining, or agreeing.

If he abstains or agrees, you're home free - just need to give him the parameters of the trial as you see it. (How long, what marks success/failure, etc.).

If he objects, then it's really up to you how you want to deal with it - your choices are to overrule him (based on anything that makes sense to you, such as the fact that you are the one dealing with the decision, or that you are DS's bio mom, or that you have researched this and DH has not, whatever makes sense to you) or to continue trying to convince him or to drop it.

Or you can even clarify directly with him - "Are you saying that you don't agree this is the best decision, or are you saying you will not allow [or prevent me from doing] this?"

[RiverSky]

Have you resarched any of the homeschool groups in your area? There are so many homeschool activities in our area that we usually go somewhere with tons of other homeschoolers every week day and then have occasional (at least once a month) family outings or get-togethers on the weekends. My children spend WAY MORE TIME getting to know other children and socializing than any public schoolers...who are told to be quiet and to minimize socialization in school.

Once my DH went to the very first homeschool big event, he was amazed at how many homeschoolers there were in one room. Just to see that in person is very powerful to skeptical parents and grandparents, I think.

I like the PPs idea that he should sell you on the merits of public school and otherwise you should start homeschooling, with a 6 month trial period, if that helps him get onboard.

[iluvmybabies]

Originally Posted by laohaire

One thing I've noticed about men is that when you ask them for permission to do something (and that's what you are doing), they think (reasonably) that you're asking them to make the decision. And if you need him to make the decision, then his decision is No. But you might be very surprised to find, if you are willing to make the decision, that he might be perfectly fine with it (even if it's not the decision he would make). See, there's a difference between asking him to make a decision, and asking him to go along with yours - at least in a man's head, there is.

So you could simply say something like "Let's do a trial period" or "I want to do a trial period." That's not overruling him. It's just you making YOUR decision - and at that point he can respond, by refusing, abstaining, or agreeing.

If he abstains or agrees, you're home free - just need to give him the parameters of the trial as you see it. (How long, what marks success/failure, etc.).

If he objects, then it's really up to you how you want to deal with it - your choices are to overrule him (based on anything that makes sense to you, such as the fact that you are the one dealing with the decision, or that you are DS's bio mom, or that you have researched this and DH has not, whatever makes sense to you) or to continue trying to convince him or to drop it.

Or you can even clarify directly with him - "Are you saying that you don't agree this is the best decision, or are you saying you will not allow [or prevent me from doing] this?"

That is a good idea! I think I will try that! I agree with you on how men sometimes think that you are asking them to make the decision for you!

Originally Posted by RiverSky

Have you resarched any of the homeschool groups in your area? There are so many homeschool activities in our area that we usually go somewhere with tons of other homeschoolers every week day and then have occasional (at least once a month) family outings or get-togethers on the weekends. My children spend WAY MORE TIME getting to know other children and socializing than any public schoolers...who are told to be quiet and to minimize socialization in school.

Once my DH went to the very first homeschool big event, he was amazed at how many homeschoolers there were in one room. Just to see that in person is very powerful to skeptical parents and grandparents, I think.

I like the PPs idea that he should sell you on the merits of public school and otherwise you should start homeschooling, with a 6 month trial period, if that helps him get onboard.

I have contacted a homeschool group in my area and I think she said that they have about 20 families. They meet every other week at a playground and every Monday they have a coach come do PE. They also have other family outings and field trips too. I know that last year there were like 12,000 kids homeschooled in the county so I know there is a ton of other groups .

[Ravin]

Yeah, if you're in Maricopa County there are LOTS and LOTS of HS'ers. There's a list of resources, including hs groups, available through the Superintendent of Schools. There's also Casa Vida, which is a 1 day/wk program at an elementary school for HS'ers where they do a bunch of nonacademic group stuff like PE, music, and art. Additionally, there are several 'virtual' charter schools in AZ, which can be a middle ground between hs'ing and ps'ing.

I don't let my husband make those sorts of decisions, myself. Homeschooling is on my list of relationship deal-breakers, along with circ, cosleeping, and bf'ing. I never would have married DH if I thought he was opposed to homeschooling. In general he lets me do what I want as far as parenting and backs me up.

[momto l&a]

My dh used to not be too sure about hsing but after he got to know me, and a bunch of other adults who where hs'ed as kids plus a bunch of kids that are hs'ed now he has changed his mind. Of course him working with the public and often young kids he knows that hsing is best.

[Lillian J]

Here's a thread in MDC where this kind of problem is discussed - DH not on board - and in the thread are links to yet other threads on the same thing. You might find some pretty helpful ideas among all those posts. Lillian

[moominmamma]

Just a couple of comments to add to the excellent ideas that have already been offered.

First, your dh is obviously not making this decision based on information, since you've already given him tons and it's gone in and out the proverbial one ear and the other. So don't give him more information. Give him experiences ... with real-life homeschoolers and real-life homeschooling. Hook up with a nice, 'normal', interesting homeschooling family and invite them over for an afternoon, or go along as a family on a field trip.

Second... he's probably committed to school for your ds because admitting that homeschooling is the better option entails facing the fact that his own school-based suffering was unnecessary. Subconsciously he's probably decided "yeah, school was hell, but I survived the suffering because I had to, and it made me stronger." Admitting that homeschooling is an acceptable alternative to school, and that one's own suffering as a child was unnecessary, is kind of hard for some people -- especially those of the male gender. You might make some headway by pointing that things are different nowadays -- schools are harsher, and the homeschooling 'stream' is more vibrant and viable and resources are more available.

Miranda