I really could use some advice here.
I am about to put Desta in school. (She is twelve, adopted from Ethiopia, and has been with us almost 7 months.) I require very little from her in terms of schoolwork at this point. She does phonics, language arts, reading, and math every day. Twice a week she does social studies. Right now our focus is on learning to read, so we do a lot of extra me-reading-to-her and her-reading-to-me for fun. She gets up in the morning, does her chores, does her schoolwork, and then is free for the rest of the day. It takes her approximately 3 hours to get up, get herself ready for the day, do her chores, and do her schoolwork. She's usually done by 10:30.
She acts like I am KILLING her when I tell her to do her work. She sighs these dramatic sighs, stares blankly into space, holds her head in her hands, gets stony silent, etc. It's really kind-of ridiculous. I am right there with her most of the time she's doing her schoolwork. I help her out. I don't just give it to her and run off. But she has such an atrocious attitude about it that it's ruining our mornings and, frankly, I don't need that.
I had a talk with her about it today. I asked her whether the work is too hard (no). I asked her whether it is too easy (no). I asked her whether she feels like I don't help her enough (no). When I said, "Then I really don't understand what the problem is and I don't know what to do to make it better," she said, "Sometimes I get angry" and gave me an example of when I asked her to write a short friendly letter (for language arts) where she was to say what her favorite sport was and whether she liked crocheting or knitting better. Apparently she was angry because she likes them both equally and didn't want to have to choose one (which she didn't, she wrote that she liked both knitting and crocheting, which was fine). Other than that she could not or would not explain why she gets angry and she could not or would not tell me what I could do to make doing her schoolwork a better experience for her. We have had this discussion several times in the last four months and nothing ever gets better.
I am an unschooler at heart. I plan to unschool Ramona (4) and Efram (3) and I had planned that for Desta, too, but dh and I have come to realize that Desta is not ready for that much freedom at this time. She spent almost 5 years in an orphanage and does not know how to structure her own time. She is really struggling with taking responsibility for even the most basic things, such as brushing her hair every day or putting her laundry in the hamper on a regular basis. We tried a few months of just letting her be, letting her play, etc., but things deteriorated very rapidly in terms of her behavior and the harmony in our family. When I structure her mornings for her, she does much better throughout the rest of the day. Like I said, I really am an unschooler, but that this point in time unschooling is not an option for her. I really hate "making" her do work, but I do feel she needs to learn to read and do basic math and I feel like I need something to occupy some part of her day so she's not causing trouble the way she was before. A few months ago she did ask me to give her schoolwork because she didn't like not having any. She was in grade 3 in Ethiopia but honestly, she is not even close to an American "third grade level" in her skills or abstract thinking abilities. If anyone has some ideas or strategies for making things run more smoothly, I would really appreciate it.
Btw, we have recently started seeing a counselor, and the schoolwork issue is one that I have brought up with the counselor, but they are still in the assessment phase so we haven't gotten to the "here are some strategies" phase yet. Also, I have talked to Desta about doing schoolwork in the afternoon (no), doing one week's worth of a subject each day (no), having Daddy do the work with her in the evenings (no). I feel tapped out of ideas. I don't like Ramona and Efram having to live with the grouchiness and stress.
I honestly think it comes down to Desta 1) not wanting to put forth the effort to do the work and 2) feeling that she is unfairly singled out to do things that Efram and Ramona don't have to. She complains frequently and loudly that THEY don't have to do schoolwork and THEY don't have to do chores like unloading the dishwasher. She really seems to feel that she is getting the shaft because she is older and she's jealous of them for being able to be with us as young kids, which she didn't get. She complains about the responsibilities of being 12 but certainly doesn't want to give up the privileges.
I understand that, I really do, but the fact is that she is 12. She can reach the dish shelves, so she has the job of putting the dishes away. She is 12. She needs to know how to read and needs a basic education. I understand the "it's not fair," but I don't really buy it.
I don't know, I guess this post has gotten way beyond the scope of the homeschooling forum, and for that I apologize. I'm just so frustrated and I am really starting to doubt my ability to parent this girl. What she seems to need is so much different than how I parent Ramona and Efram.
Namaste!
I am about to put Desta in school. (She is twelve, adopted from Ethiopia, and has been with us almost 7 months.) I require very little from her in terms of schoolwork at this point. She does phonics, language arts, reading, and math every day. Twice a week she does social studies. Right now our focus is on learning to read, so we do a lot of extra me-reading-to-her and her-reading-to-me for fun. She gets up in the morning, does her chores, does her schoolwork, and then is free for the rest of the day. It takes her approximately 3 hours to get up, get herself ready for the day, do her chores, and do her schoolwork. She's usually done by 10:30.
She acts like I am KILLING her when I tell her to do her work. She sighs these dramatic sighs, stares blankly into space, holds her head in her hands, gets stony silent, etc. It's really kind-of ridiculous. I am right there with her most of the time she's doing her schoolwork. I help her out. I don't just give it to her and run off. But she has such an atrocious attitude about it that it's ruining our mornings and, frankly, I don't need that.
I had a talk with her about it today. I asked her whether the work is too hard (no). I asked her whether it is too easy (no). I asked her whether she feels like I don't help her enough (no). When I said, "Then I really don't understand what the problem is and I don't know what to do to make it better," she said, "Sometimes I get angry" and gave me an example of when I asked her to write a short friendly letter (for language arts) where she was to say what her favorite sport was and whether she liked crocheting or knitting better. Apparently she was angry because she likes them both equally and didn't want to have to choose one (which she didn't, she wrote that she liked both knitting and crocheting, which was fine). Other than that she could not or would not explain why she gets angry and she could not or would not tell me what I could do to make doing her schoolwork a better experience for her. We have had this discussion several times in the last four months and nothing ever gets better.
I am an unschooler at heart. I plan to unschool Ramona (4) and Efram (3) and I had planned that for Desta, too, but dh and I have come to realize that Desta is not ready for that much freedom at this time. She spent almost 5 years in an orphanage and does not know how to structure her own time. She is really struggling with taking responsibility for even the most basic things, such as brushing her hair every day or putting her laundry in the hamper on a regular basis. We tried a few months of just letting her be, letting her play, etc., but things deteriorated very rapidly in terms of her behavior and the harmony in our family. When I structure her mornings for her, she does much better throughout the rest of the day. Like I said, I really am an unschooler, but that this point in time unschooling is not an option for her. I really hate "making" her do work, but I do feel she needs to learn to read and do basic math and I feel like I need something to occupy some part of her day so she's not causing trouble the way she was before. A few months ago she did ask me to give her schoolwork because she didn't like not having any. She was in grade 3 in Ethiopia but honestly, she is not even close to an American "third grade level" in her skills or abstract thinking abilities. If anyone has some ideas or strategies for making things run more smoothly, I would really appreciate it.
Btw, we have recently started seeing a counselor, and the schoolwork issue is one that I have brought up with the counselor, but they are still in the assessment phase so we haven't gotten to the "here are some strategies" phase yet. Also, I have talked to Desta about doing schoolwork in the afternoon (no), doing one week's worth of a subject each day (no), having Daddy do the work with her in the evenings (no). I feel tapped out of ideas. I don't like Ramona and Efram having to live with the grouchiness and stress.
I honestly think it comes down to Desta 1) not wanting to put forth the effort to do the work and 2) feeling that she is unfairly singled out to do things that Efram and Ramona don't have to. She complains frequently and loudly that THEY don't have to do schoolwork and THEY don't have to do chores like unloading the dishwasher. She really seems to feel that she is getting the shaft because she is older and she's jealous of them for being able to be with us as young kids, which she didn't get. She complains about the responsibilities of being 12 but certainly doesn't want to give up the privileges.
I understand that, I really do, but the fact is that she is 12. She can reach the dish shelves, so she has the job of putting the dishes away. She is 12. She needs to know how to read and needs a basic education. I understand the "it's not fair," but I don't really buy it.
I don't know, I guess this post has gotten way beyond the scope of the homeschooling forum, and for that I apologize. I'm just so frustrated and I am really starting to doubt my ability to parent this girl. What she seems to need is so much different than how I parent Ramona and Efram.
Namaste!
Is there still going to be an article sometime?
: . I'm guessing that she isn't used to structure, set timelines, deadlines, and american school in general. I do think it may be beneficial to have her have to respond to a third person who will hold her responsible for her actions and consequences and may take some pressure off of you. I think you are right when you say she isn't used to the freedom and options that homeschooling provides. Maybe once she realizes that she needs to get up at a certain time, catch the bus, and set lesson times she will change her time and be begging to go back. On the other hand she may thrive with a more structured setting. Could you have a week or two week test period? Where she needs to stick it out and then at the end she can either continue school or go back to homeschooling. But if she goes back to homeschooling she needs to not complain and be more proactive about it. Would she be in a traditional 12 year old classroom or how would they accomodate her learning level? Its a tough spot so hopefully you, your DH, and Desta can find some method that will work. Goo dluck.
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