It is so hard to be gracious about holiday gifts when trying to banish clutter!

[amyamanda]

This holiday season happens to be the first when I'm really conscious of deliberately choosing what "stuff" we keep...of how much decluttering I've done (and how much I have left to go)...of how I really don't want to acquire anything that isn't needed or "exactly right"...

...and then I feel like a twit because someone I love dearly just told me they're sending me a gift, and I'm afraid it might be one of those things I just can't justify keeping around. And the giver is the kind of person who is so sweet and loving, and worries terribly about whether gifts she chooses for other people will be wanted.

I *am* grateful for her love, and her thoughtfulness, and maybe it will really be something I will love and cherish, but the odds seem to be against that.

Argh. : I was hoping someone here would understand.

I'm trying so hard not to bring excess stuff into my life, and I feel kind of "lucky" in a sense that nearly everyone who gives gifts to us at Christmas either "gets" it or is so distant/inactive in our lives that their gifts can be enjoyed temporarily and then given to someone else to enjoy (if they don't fit into our life/space). But that isn't always the case.

Why can't we all just radically redefine how the holiday season is celebrated,. starting right this minute?

I'm trying to talk myself into being thrilled when this person's gift arrives. Maybe I will love it; for her sake, I sincerely hope I will! Because I'm going to feel really guilty doing anything but keeping it. I hope I don't sound callous because I really don't mean to be that way.

Please tell me you understand....

[thomlynn]

Yeah I feel this way sometimes. I guess I tend to enjoy it for awhile then take it away for other to enjoy. DH and I were talking about this last night b/c MIL always gets us tons of stuff. I am so grateful for the stuff and most of the time she'll get us things that we ask for and really need but sometimes it does feel like she gets us things just to be getting us something. For example every year in our stockings we get body wash, body poof things, and chocolate. Every year we give this stuff to goodwill.

Someone said here once that once the gift is in my house I can do with it what I want. I try to remember that when I want to get rid of something given to me and the guilt sets in. I'll use what I can but if the gift brings you stress then the gift giver probably wouldn't want that either. Maybe before next Christmas you have a deal with your close friends that you don't exchange gifts. We only get gifts from our parents but all our friends know we don't need anything and we know they don't need anything.

Anyhow you're not alone, enjoy that they thought of you, send a thank you card and if it's not something you can use get rid of it and don't let it weigh you down.

[mightymoo]

I often feel a lot of guilt over gifts. And not just because of decluttering, I hate getting gifts I don't like - not because I'm greedy but because I feel so guilty that I don't like it and I feel so bad that the person wasted their money and I am a sincere person, which means it feels very weird for me to pretend to like something I don't. I'd rather get nothing at all than something I don't like, I just feel so bad about it.

My mother used to be the worst, I'm her only daughter and she would buy me all sorts of clothes. But I'm a tomboy and I'm the type that can pick 20 shirts I think I like off the shelves and not like a single one on me. So I just felt awful everytime she bought me clothes, or I made her feel bad by telling her I don't like it or not telling her but not wearing it, etc. She's gotten it now, she no longer buys me clothes.

I have found in past years I also have found that even things I put on my wishlist after I got them I really didn't use them or whatnot. So I thought really hard before I put anything on my wishlist about whether it would fulfill my life, whether it was useful, etc. As a result I have a lot of 'useful' items on my list, like trash cans and sweepers and stuff, so I don't know whether folks will abandon the list alltogether just because it isn't fun enough.

The things I get from close family usually are just fine, its peripheral friends who give us stuff we just end up throwing in the 'get rid of box' but then they never know either, so oh well!

[Vixenmama]

Originally Posted by thomlynn

...Someone said here once that once the gift is in my house I can do with it what I want. I try to remember that when I want to get rid of something given to me and the guilt sets in.

DH and I are completely mercenary about this with NO GUILT. You have to put your well being above everything, especially when it comes to your home. Now if I see I can't use it I try and find a home for it immediately. I don't feel bad, I just feel like "well, someone will surely be happy to get this". I just received something, that as I was taking it out of it's gift bag I thought "and this will be immediately regifted or sent on it's way". No guilt. I just totally give myself a free pass on the guilt in situations like this. A complete pardon!!

[Purplehaze]

I fight this myself...

Even in light of moving in the new year, some things (especially gifts from mom) are so hard to know what to do with... my mom loves to give me all kinds of breakable "hostess" kinds of gifts, never asks what I could actually use.... so last year she gives me this long, breakable tray with snow men on it, cute but ... uh.... I sure don't need it. I don't really have a place for it.... yet I know she will ask aobut it so I will have to make sure to use it at Christmas.... Other then my mom tho I am ruthless.... I consign or donalte a lot...

Sheila

[wife&mommy]

I am so with you guys! But I can't get over the guilt either. I usually end up just putting whatever it is in the attic! DH gets mad at me if I give it away or take it back, he thinks its disrespectful.

[mommaof3boz]

I was just hoping today I wouldn't get much for Christmas. I would much rather have knitting yarn and book certificates. I can make the yarn into useful items and once I'm done with the books I send them to our small public library. My MIL gave me an early bday present (mine bd is Dec 24) and it was this organizer basket holder. I loved it because it now holds all my potatoes, onions, bread, apples, etc. SO actually that was a positive addition.

[snuggly mama]

Originally Posted by mightymoo

So I thought really hard before I put anything on my wishlist about whether it would fulfill my life, whether it was useful, etc. As a result I have a lot of 'useful' items on my list, like trash cans and sweepers and stuff, so I don't know whether folks will abandon the list alltogether just because it isn't fun enough.

Yup! Both of my parents and my brother told me that they didn't like my list because they wanted to buy me something "special" that was just for me (not a household item). But they are not getting the point that all that "me" stuff just clutters up my house! I want a Swiffer WetJet and some kitchen towels -- THAT would be a great Christmas for me!

[thomlynn]

I want a Swiffer WetJet and some kitchen towels -- THAT would be a great Christmas for me!

MIL always wants to buy me clothes. I don't need any clothes I already have way too many clothes. Plus I haven't really evened out from my pregnancy so I'm kinda off on sizes right now (will this mushy belly every go away???). DH told her at least four times not to get me clothes. I got two nightgowns (frumpy ones too) and two sweatshirts.

Vixenmama-- You made me blush :

[scbegonias]

I'm pretty good about decluttering...actually, ruthless at times. Even with gifts (especially those stuffed singing things that MIL sends DD for every holiday). However, I carry this incredible (to me...who barely ever feels this way) guilt about my gift from MIL/FIL last year. They got me a beautiful, purple (my fav color), especially made for me, etched glass salad bowl. Its absolutely gorgeous. But I already have a wood salad bowl that I love. And I'm afraid of breaking this one. Secretly, I wish that the cats would knock it over.

[mightymoo]

Maybe we should brainstorm a list of responses for where something is when someone later says 'What happened to the X I gave you?' (If you don't mind a little fib to save hurt feelings of course)

"Oh, I had it out DS/DD bumped it and smashed it"
"I didn't realize it wasn't dishwasher safe"
"DH/I meant well, but he/I just doesn't know how to do laundry, he shrunk it / washed it with a red shirt / forgot it should have been dry cleaned."
"The cat/dog/parakeet got to it while we were out"
and of course if it was a cheap item, you could just say 'Oh, it was too bad it looked so good but it broke the first time I tried to use it!'
'I lent it to a friend'

[Leta]

amyamanda-

I understand completely. Gifts are tough. I think our culture is really screwed up on this point. (Ever seen Peter Walsh on "Clean Sweep"? "This is not your mum...This is not your love for your mum...This is not your mum's love for you...Out it goes!")

I had so many knicknacks that people had gotten me...it never even occured to me until I was 25 years old that I don't LIKE knicknacks. Even now, I look around my house, and even after a three year purge, virtually everything I don't like or have no use for I received as a gift.

I think that we should re-think the holidays, too. My dream Christmas would be to take a trip somewhere. What we DON'T need is more junk. What we DO need is more time together.

Spending more on something that you are buying as a gift is known in economic terms as a "deadweight loss". I find this term to be both insightful and depressing.

A great aunt of mine used to give the boys a year's supply of razor blades for Christmas. I think this is a spectacular idea.

I think I'm going to start giving a year's supply of laundry detergent (that is, a 5 gallon pail full of powder) or a year's supply of aluminum foil (one of those giant boxes from a restaurant supply store) as gifts.

Is this tacky or useful?

Or am I just blinded like everyone else, thinking that what I would like is a good gift for everyone?

[Vixenmama]

Originally Posted by Leta

amyamanda-... we DON'T need is more junk. What we DO need is more time together....I think I'm going to start giving a year's supply of laundry detergent (that is, a 5 gallon pail full of powder) or a year's supply of aluminum foil (one of those giant boxes from a restaurant supply store) as gifts.

Is this tacky or useful?

I would LOVE laundry detergent, right now what I really want is a really nice ironing board from Target.

I drew the line last year on "neighbor gifts" and decided I would prepare a nice meal for my favorite neighbors after the holiday, sort of like a "new year" gift.


Our family's gift giving needs an overhaul. We've tried to spearhead this many times but we've never come up with a solution.


I just came back from Sears (for vacuum bags) and Marshall's (unnecessary stop) and boy oh boy, is it wicked out there. Especially the cashiers. Oy oi oi.

[LionTigerBear]

Vixenmama, Leta-- I couldn't agree more.

We agreed to not exchange gifts with Dh's family this year, except for buying for the kids.

I fully expect ds will get some junky cheap plastic toys and we will let him play with them for a few weeks and then they will go bless someone else . . .

Not sure how to broach the subject with my mom's family, am still thinking about that one. My younger siblings often make us homemade gifts which is the sweetest thing, but sometimes I get things that just do not bless my life.

As for gifts for other adults we know, we tried to give people fun food items so that we wouldn't be giving more "stuff", and we only gifted to immediate family.

I'd love it if the whole gift-giving part of the holidays went back to being just one SMALL gift for each immediate family member. That would be so great . . . I definitely feel like an anomaly in this material world.

[phatchristy]

I felt that way when MIL and FIL were here, they don't get it exactly. I tell them what is acceptable and they'll get some of that, then other stuff. Sigh. Interesting enough, in the past we've gotten them non-cluttering things, but this year I gave them stuff actually. So, oh well...they sort of got it back in a way. I regifted stuff to them : , it was nice stuff though!

DH's aunt also included gifts for the kids and hers were all junk toys (except for two crayon sets, which they are using). Oh well, one of the toys has already been broken!

HUGS

Christy

[Leta]

Yeah, as far as spearheading gift giving changes...

DH have promised each other that we are not buying gifts for ANY adults anymore, and that we are only giving homemade stuff. DH is a chef, so this works pretty well for us.

This year, we've been giving people a big loaf of homemade bread with a pint of homemade jam, and it's been going over well. Last year we did salsa and pickles.

It's hard for kids, too, though...

I won't go into the material frenzy that colored my Christmases as a child, but I hate what this season does for children. Most kids I know, my own absolutely included, have WAY TOO MUCH. I view this as a big problem. True happiness lies between not enough and too much, and I feel like all the kid oriented gift giving does is sow the seeds for future materialism, hoarding problems, and lives filled with clutter.

Thanks so much for the feedback on useful gifts! I will forge on, unafraid! (I mean, EVERYONE needs laundry soap, right?) And if people think I'm tacky, screw 'em! I think plastic yard reindeer are tacky, and everyone has those, so it all evens out, right?

[Vixenmama]

Originally Posted by Caitlin320

...but sometimes I get things that just do not bless my life....

This is hilarious. Very nicely expressed.

We do full-on gifting with Dh's family, which means we buy for 3 adults...and of course, sil isn't married and she ends up buying for 3 adults and 2 kids on a very limited income, so we buy her a lot of gifts to make up and oh jeez, it's a drama and a headache....dh (who refuses to do any pre-meditated shopping) drew the line at 1 giftcard for her (??? much better than stuff in my book and minimal shopping). I'm starting to rage. I'm going to TOA to do a pre-holiday rant.....see ya later.

[4evermom]

Originally Posted by mightymoo

I often feel a lot of guilt over gifts. And not just because of decluttering, I hate getting gifts I don't like - not because I'm greedy but because I feel so guilty that I don't like it and I feel so bad that the person wasted their money and I am a sincere person, which means it feels very weird for me to pretend to like something I don't. I'd rather get nothing at all than something I don't like, I just feel so bad about it.

That's pretty much how I feel. Also, money is so tight right now that I wish people would just get me a gc to a grocery store. It's so hard for me to feel grateful for charity given in my name or $2 worth of beans (soup mix) that cost $10 to ship. It just makes me feel bad.

[oneKnight]

Originally Posted by mightymoo

As a result I have a lot of 'useful' items on my list, like trash cans and sweepers and stuff, so I don't know whether folks will abandon the list alltogether just because it isn't fun enough.

The things I get from close family usually are just fine, its peripheral friends who give us stuff we just end up throwing in the 'get rid of box' but then they never know either, so oh well!

I have ALWAYS been the useful gift person. I gave my mom can openers and Pyrex dishes over the years for Christmas gifts. This year I gave her some "read from the top view" measuring cups that she wanted. Useful stuff that shouldn't end up as "clutter."
Ah yesh, all my mom's friends who came out of the woodwork to give us wedding gifts some that I am giving to goodwill soon. Oh well.

[Amys1st]

As I read this thread, there is about 5-10 assortments of goody gifts dh and I have received in the last week or so. I am a Sunday school teacher and he is a pt who sees patients. I have 4 candles I will not burn- have 2 small kids and they are full of scents and God knows what that will put in the air,2 packages of flavored coffee, two mugs, I could go on and on.

I could re gift them tomorrow at a party so they are no on someone else's counter for them to take care of or just toss them. I try to remember when we are getting something that is useless and we toss it, goodwill it, regift whatever- I am not regifting the giver or throwing out the givier.

Its sort of like that fruit cake that Johnny Carson used to say is circulating the globe for years- Someone takes it to a party and the receiver takes it somewhere else....IF you dont know who Johnny Carson is or dont remember him-- I am REALLY Dating myself!!