8 year old girl has boyfriends - Page 2

[Mothra]

Originally Posted by bebesho2

NO WAY. DD is 9yo, was 8yo last year and that is when the kids really began becoming interested in learnign the facts of life, having boyfriends/girlfirends (most with no contact beyond hugging but a few said they did more). DD would tell me all about it and how most kids did not knwo te hreal facts, etc. She said she was too young for that stuff...WHEW! So normal to be curious and talking about it...

MOST kids that age are not interested in boys/girls/crushes in that way at that age, that doesn't mean that none are. Most kids that age are just starting to notice that they have these feelings, and while having crushes is normal it is abnormal for them to act on them in this way. I've honestly never heard of kids this young doing these things before this thread outside the context of working with kids who had been sexually abused. It's very rare, and even though this does not mean that she's been sexually abused it is a signal that shouldn't be ignored. It HAS to be ruled out when you see behavior like this. It's often the first sign of sexual abuse and too many parents want to ignore it or chalk it up to a child just being "mature." (And if she is being exposed to this stuff by a child who has been abused, then that child is abusing her. Either way, it's sexual abuse and she needs intervention.) Last year my then 8yo had a "girlfriend," but that was just because this little girl told him that he was her boyfriend. All that meant was that he had to sit with her at lunch. That's the extent of this stuff in my neighborhood, and was when I was in the third/fourth grade. (I fell madly in love with a boy in my 4th grade class, but I don't think actually kissing him crossed my mind until I was in the sixth grade.)

I guess I don't see why this father is asking for help if he isn't willing to do anything about it. No 8yo should be chatting online. Period. She should not get email that isn't read by one of her parents. It's just too dangerous to set kids free on the Internet. My 9yo is only allowed to use the Internet in the dining room, uses AOL on the highest safety setting, and is only allowed to chat and receive mail from the people in his address book (set by us and no chatting with friends, only family). We read all of his email that isn't from a family member. He knows we do this, it isn't spying. She shouldn't be anywhere without enough supervision to keep this from happening. She's still a child, a very YOUNG child. This whole thing just breaks my heart.

[menudo]

Let me clarify:

The little girl in question is NOT the norm. There are many red flags and reason for concern.

What I was saying it is normal for 8yo to talk about and be interested in the facts of life and relationships. MOST will never do mroe than talk. A few will be adventurous. Some may have been abused, some may not.

An 8yo online and the phone all the time? That is odd IMHO. My 9yo DD does not go beyond kids games online and from what she says, her friends sure are not chatting online. Having a phone is cooler than talking on the phone at this point. She definately sounds to be running with older kids and at 8yo, your parent(s) has say in what you are doing.

[momma of monkeys]

IMHO, in the very least Dad should be putting parental controls on the net, checking her IM history (most kids don't know how to erase IM, teens do, but 8?? I dunno, I'd check it out), take dd for a low key evaluation by a child psychologist just to make sure there was no abuse (even from another child who didn't really *know better*), and set up more appropriate boundries for his YOUNG DD....part of being a parent is sacrifice, that means you don't often get to say, Just do what you want, or Leave me alone....maybe OP can remind dad of that. Even parents forget, right?
I'm sure someone can recommend a good book or two for this dad....I am keeping this family in my thoughts and prayers that they have a positive outcome....8 is just too young to be 'sexual' physically, again, IMHO...


ps...unsupervised net access is how children can become suseptable to child predetors....I just thought of that too...scary

[Flor]

Originally Posted by Kirsten

Well, I think some of this sounds normal, and some doesn't...

When my dd1 was nine and in 4th grade, she had a "boyfriend". They didn't see each other outside of school, but they did talk on the phone. He is actually a very nice boy and I was fine with it. I don't think they kissed, but I was not in the info loop.

There were a number of boys and girls in her 4th grade class that "dated" and called each other on the phone. My dd and her female friends would email each other about the boys; it all seemed pretty innocent to me. I remember my classmates doing this in 5th grade back in the day, so a year earlier doesn't seem too far off. I actually was the first of my friends to have a "boyfriend" - from kindergarten. I just saw his mom, dad and brother the other day! It can be innocent.

I think the slow dancing and french kissing sounds a little (ok, a LOT for the french kissing part) much for 8 year olds. Also, unsupervised access to the internet is crazy IMO. I'd stop that immediately.

And yes, as her father he absolutely DOES have the right to tell her to stop! Who in the world is supposed to help keep her safe if not him and her mother???

I don't know if this is as bad as it seems it could be, but if I were the parent I'd be getting all up in the middle of it! Eight seems a little old for having UTI issues, but my dd had them at four or five when she'd be too busy to stop, holding it for too long. It could be an issue or it could be nothing. But the father absolutely has the right - and I agree with another poster, the responsibility - to figure out what is happening. More supervision, and less acess to the internet would be the first step I think.

Just turned 8-- I was thinking more like second grade. OP?

I have met a child like this before. She wasn't abused to my knowledge, but she had done beauty pagents, etc and I think she was used to acting sexually and being cute and getting attention for that behavior. I would advise eliminating the situations in which the behavior could occur (computer, phone, parties, etc.). If there is still an issue, the root of the problem may need professional help. I just don't think we know enough here. I'm just wondering about her relationship with men/dad/mom's boyfriends and her need to act "womanly."

[Jenny_Jane]

Arent they spossed to thinking of koodies, on a more serious point shes only eight and he and his X need to tell her bye bye computer, supervised phone calls and supervised were ever she go's with either of them and tell her bout' the facts of life that enough might get her a little less with the kissing.

Nicole

[mommy68]

Originally Posted by meowee

He wants to tell her to stop, but he doesn't feel like it is his right, plus, he feels like it'sprobably too late, anyway, to get her to change her behavior.

WTF?!! Ofcourse it's his RIGHT to be involved in his 8 year old CHILD'S life. She shouldn't even have a love life at her age. Why is she being given so much free access to the internet anyway at that age? You better believe I'd have a problem with that if it were any of my kids. I have two DS ages 8 and 11 and a 4 yr old DD. They are my responsibility until they are adults, period.

You say this little girl (child rather) is very smart. Well being smart (academics) has nothing to do with kissing boys and having sex. These are two totally different things. i don't care how smart she is but if she gets in bed with a boy at 12 she could get pregnant and that's her life right there. If she is already in relationships with boys and french kissing at age 8 just think what she will be doing at age 10. All the brains in the world don't matter when you make decisions on who to be intimate with. Plus, if she ends up pregnant at 13 then her smarts won't help her any with that either.

Is she having problems at home with not enough attention from her parents? I had sex at age 14 and before that I was spending the nights at friends houses and sneaking out all hours of the night beginning at age 12. I realize that's a bit older than your daughter, but in the 80's that was pretty bad for a 12 yr old. I'm lucky I didn't end up pregnant or worse off. Why did I do the things I did? I did it because I had no parents around most of the time. They were divorced, worked most of the time and my friends basically raised me. I did what the kids around me did, especially the older kids in the neighborhood that influenced me.

This little girl sounds like she needs some more attention. She needs to be involved in activities that will stimulate her like sports or academic-related hobbies. She's only 8 years old!!! She needs to be taught to put herself first and not rely on boys already at such an early age. She needs more self-respect and self-confidence.

[Malva]

If he doesn't feel comfortable having this conversation with his daughter, can he ask another adult his daughter likes and respects to possibly have a talk with her? Some kids find it more easy to talk with someone else than a direct parent.

[meowee]

I wish I had a happy update for you... he is actually driving her to another dance tonight. He says her mother is allowing her to go, so he won't protest.

He says he can't think of a really good reason to tell her to stop. He says he needs concrete reasons, not just "because" reasons. I gave him this list:

*she will open herself to emotional heartache
*she will hurt the boys' feelings
*it is physically dangerous to have sex at a very young age (increased risk of vaginosis, UTIs, and cervical dysplasia)
*diseases like mononucleosis and viral infections can be gotten from kissing
*if she ends up with the wrong boy, he could push her too far and she could feel or actually be violated
*if she makes a boy angry, he could resort to violence
*unless she is one of those rare alpha females who can get away with it, she will be labeled a slut
*just by acting sexual with kids her age, she is "inviting" older boys... you think the 10-14 year olds aren't noticing?
*she might regret the decision when she is older; she doesn't have the capacity to make good decisions about emotional and physical intimacy right now
*she also might regret it, when she is older and falls deeply in love, that she did not "reserve" herself for that man
*if she starts having sex soon, she is risking STDs and pregnancy (I got my periods when I was 12)

++++++

Can you ladies think of any others?

She is in 3rd grade, she skipped a grade.

[Houdini]

Originally Posted by meowee

I wish I had a happy update for you... he is actually driving her to another dance tonight. He says her mother is allowing her to go, so he won't protest.

He says he can't think of a really good reason to tell her to stop. He says he needs concrete reasons, not just "because" reasons. I gave him this list:

*she will open herself to emotional heartache
*she will hurt the boys' feelings
*it is physically dangerous to have sex at a very young age (increased risk of vaginosis, UTIs, and cervical dysplasia)
*diseases like mononucleosis and viral infections can be gotten from kissing
*if she ends up with the wrong boy, he could push her too far and she could feel or actually be violated
*if she makes a boy angry, he could resort to violence
*unless she is one of those rare alpha females who can get away with it, she will be labeled a slut
*just by acting sexual with kids her age, she is "inviting" older boys... you think the 10-14 year olds aren't noticing?
*she might regret the decision when she is older; she doesn't have the capacity to make good decisions about emotional and physical intimacy right now
*she also might regret it, when she is older and falls deeply in love, that she did not "reserve" herself for that man
*if she starts having sex soon, she is risking STDs and pregnancy (I got my periods when I was 12)

++++++

Can you ladies think of any others?

She is in 3rd grade, she skipped a grade.

Sorry..nothing postive.....the guy needs to grow a backbone and be a parent.

Where the *censored* is he at that allows eight year olds in dances?? There are no places here that allow that, even the schools.

[Flor]

Originally Posted by meowee

I wish I had a happy update for you... he is actually driving her to another dance tonight. He says her mother is allowing her to go, so he won't protest.
.

What organization gives dances for 8 year olds???? She is supposed to be in second grade and she's going to dances?? I can't imagine. My middle school gives HIGHLY supervised dances to 7-8th grades. The elementary schools do not. He is allowing this to happen. What ever happens to her is his fault at this point. My sister got pregnant at 14. This is truly bizarre to me.

[meowee]

He says the dance is sponsored by the city hall, for ages 6-14, and the 6 and 7 year olds need a chaperone (but not the 8 year olds, I guess). They live in a suburb of montreal...

[Yoshua]

14 year olds are starting to, if not already exploring their sexuality.


Anyone who sends an 8 year old girl in with that age group is guilty of neglect and any problems they have is totally their fault for failing as a parent.




I would NEVER allow such an age range unsupervised. Why? because younger kids model older kids 95% of the time and then find out later the consequences of those actions.


If they see older kids making out, they too will want to see what hte deal about it is.


Your friend needs to learn how to be a father, sooner than later.

[Flor]

Originally Posted by meowee

He says the dance is sponsored by the city hall, for ages 6-14, and the 6 and 7 year olds need a chaperone (but not the 8 year olds, I guess). They live in a suburb of montreal...

That is insane! Why would 14 yo want to hang out with 6 year olds? Is it really a "dance" or some kind of recreation time where some kids might dance? I wouldn't even let a 6 yo be babysat by a fourteen yo, much less go to a dance with them!

[aywilkes]

Originally Posted by meowee

She just turned 8 last month .

Apparently she always had "boyfriends" since kindergarten, but it is progressing to kissing, phoning, chatting, etc.

Both of his kids have totally unsupervised, full access to the internet. As far as I know, the kissing takes place at birthday parties, dinners, school, and dances.

As far as he knows she has not been sexually abused.

I also told him it is his responsibility to have her stop, somehow, and understand that she is hurting herself... but he is acting like the sitution is hopeless.

He thinks these boys are her age, but I agree with mothra, I don't know any 8 year old boys who would do this stuff either .

I have a 9 yr. old and he has Liked a few girls since 6 or so. But like as in, she got a new hairstyle (he's into that) and he likes her. Now he likes a little girl b/c she is a violinist, speaks with a british accent, likes jazz, r&b, and classical music, loves to dance. They have similar interests. I certainly don't encourage it but kissing and stuff is not in his mind. Now, there was a little girl when he was SIX who told him that if he wants her to like him, then he needed to stop sucking his finger, follow her instructions, and have SEX (i said it) SEX with her. :
WTH?!?!? I told the teacher and she said, yeah, she is kinda spicy. At age 7 another little girl told him to pump another boy. He didn't know what this was of course - this girl was 9 or so.

Anyway, I definitely think the dad needs to limit access to the internet, talk to his daughter about appropriate and inappropriate. (e.g. my ds asked me how old can he be to have a girlfriend...i said 16 with a job and just explained that there are so many other things to do with his life that girls early are just unnecessary. My strategy is to continue to support his interests so that he remains involved in activities that require his energy and time to be spent on more important things. We'll see how this works - he hasn't reached the teen years yet. I would suggest that the dad try to get his daughter involved in some stuff that is positive, promotes values shared by him, and will keep her busy developing interests in sometihng positive.

[meowee]

Is there anyone from the montreal area who can tell me if this is normal for around there?

[moondiapers]

please call this child's school and tell them what's going on....then maybe they can "notice" it and bring it to his attention and force him to deal with it

[angelpie545]

Originally Posted by moondiapers

please call this child's school and tell them what's going on....then maybe they can "notice" it and bring it to his attention and force him to deal with it

I agree. I almost want to say this is a case for the authorities of he can't step up and parent his kid. What he is allowing his daughter to do could be permanently damaging to her if he doesn't intervene right now.

[Jmo780]

Originally Posted by stik

Mostly commenting to subscribe.

Her parents need to step up to the plate with the supervision. What organization hosts dances for eight-year-olds?

My kids school has dances (X~Mas dance, Valentines dance etc..) For kindergarten-6th grades. You can sign your child(ren) in/out for the 3 hours or stay, whatever you choose, BUT there are many many adults supervising and it is a pretty small space (No hiding spots etc...)

I think 8 is very very young as well. Something is up Imo. My 11 year old son still thinks girls are gross for the most part He may say a girl is cute but if you talk about even holding hands etc...he is all "EWW no!"

So yea, 8 seems oddly young for all of these things-I'd suggest they get into counseling etc...

*Btw-I just finally took my kids to the dance for the first time, and being the paronoid mother I am, stayed and watched the whole thing. It was pretty innocent, the kids all seemed to want to run around playing and jumping and nobody slow danced the whole 3 hours

[MeepyCat]

Meowee, I want to offer more sex-positive reasons for an eight year-old to hold off. At any age, she's just as likely to get random viruses from sitting next to a contagious person on the bus as she is to get them from kissing, so I'd leave that alone, and at any age, the important thing about her sexuality is that she understand that it is special to her, and that she treat it with respect. Other people's opinions, and being called names (which get tossed around regardless of actual involvement in sex) are less important than her feelings about herself and what she does.

That said, as sex positive as I am and want to be, it is very easy for an eight year-old's sexuality to manipulated or exploited by adults, or by older children, in ways that might hurt her a great deal. It has to be gently explained to her that she needs to respect her body and demand respect for it from others. At her age, abstaining is pretty much the only way to do that.

To tell her:
- Kissing and sex are exciting, but they can be confusing too, and they can make relationships with other people very complicated. It's best to be careful about when and with who you introduce that kind of complication into your life. Most people prefer to wait until they are a bit older than eight to do that, and to do it with people they care about a lot. Some people do kiss and touch just to experiment or just to feel good, but it's better to kiss and touch only people you care about a great deal.

- Kissing, sex, etc. put you in very close emotional contact with the people you do them with. It's a good idea to get to know people well before you do sexual things with them, so that you understand what that emotional contact is likely to be like. Being in close emotional contact with someone who turns out to be mean, or who turns out not to care for you, can be very painful. It can be hard to judge what people are really like until you've known them for a while, or before they've had a chance to grow up a little.

- Her body is going to go through any number of changes in the next several years. She is going to grow and change, and she is going to look and feel very different than she does now. It is important that she should have time to get to know her body as and after these changes occur. She needs to know about her body as it is FOR HER, without anyone else trying to push her buttons and make her feel things. She needs that because it's important for her to develop an understanding of her body that isn't based around making other people happy, but is based around what makes HER happy. She won't really be able to determine what makes her happy until her body is closer to its adult shape, so she should wait at least until that happens to be sexual with other people.

This kid seems to have a ton of unsupervised time (net, phones, school parties, whatever). Would it make sense to sign her up for art or dance or gymnastics or some other activity where she'd be in a social group mostly of girls her own age for an afternoon or two a week?

[Momtoatweenandteen]

I've briefly read through some of the posts and I agree with the poster who said that this is "not" the norm of a child this age, and the fact that this child, and I do mean child is very smart and in accelerated classes does not mean precocious+being curious=sexual exploration and to be this interested in teen/adult like behavior. I too have a daughter who is curious and in the gifted and talented program at school, and while she has many friends, boys included, she is not remotely close in the what I call the "typical" boy/girl thing at this age. This is above and beyond even with kids today developing earlier.

Some of the things that were mentioned in the initial post shouldn't be playing out at this age! A red flag, hell, even my 11yo daughter would consider this inappropriate behavior!