Bi monogamy not working

[sandy from Toronto]

So here it is...I lived my life for about 10 years in and out of relationships with both genders. I ended up sequentially dating women then men as a serial monogamist. With each change in partner, I changed my sexual orientation...I'm lesbian, no I must really be straight...ah, no, now I'm with a woman again, must be lesbian. You get the picture.

So, I have ended up marrying a man and having a child with him and it is only 3 years into the marriage that I have really accepted that I am bisexual (although leaning towards lesbian). Problem is, my partner is totally closed to a poly relationship and I never thought I would want one, either. However, I now realize that I can not stand the thought of never having another relationship with a woman. I have been trying to stuff down this need and have been miserable and feel trapped and in grieving for the lost lesbian part of myself.

So, what the f*ck do I do? Do I push the issue and say, "we need to be poly or else we're over"? And, if we are over, which I think we are, how do I deal with the guilt of breaking up the family for my sweet 2 year old son.

Am I just being a selfish b*tch over a sexual need. But, then, it doesn't feel like merely a sexual need, it feels like it is so much more about who I am and how I feel in relation to the world. When I ask myself who touches the deepest places inside myself and who do I feel at peace with re: companionship, it is always women.

I'm not feeling connected to my husband these days and I think I made a committment to him that I can't keep. And now that we have a son, I just feel so crappy. Even though I say I don't value traidtional family structures as the only way to raise healthy kids, I have some conflicted feelings and guilt about ending a nuclear family for my son.

F*ck, f*ck, f*ck.
There, I feel better now.
Anyone else ever in a similar situation? How did it all work out?

[thismama]

Hmm. It's really hard. I mean, could you get by with just you and Max right now? Could you do it financially? Could you/do you want to deal with the juggling? How much does your partner bring to the family that you would have to replace if he was gone? What do you worry Max would be losing if you two were to live apart?

Are you in love with him? Do you want to be in a primary relationship with him, and have relationships with women on the side? Or do you envision a primary relationship with someone else?

I mean, you could cheat. Wait til a good woman comes along, and then leave. Or, you could wait a few years, stay in a functional unit til your son is older and not as high maintenance.

I don't know. I don't really get the guilt, in a way, coz obviously I didn't plan my kiddo to have a nuclear family, and I don't feel she is missing out. (Although it would be nice if her father and I got along better!) Like, you can't give up your whole life, the things you want and need, for an idea of what would be best for your child. If you two split, he will deal, is how I see it. Hopefully your partner would remain an involved and active dad. If he does or doesn't is not in your control. A mama who doesn't get a life becoz she feels she owes too much to her child might be a bigger burden to him, in the end. You know?

Those are just my rambling thoughts. It's so weird to talk to you about this on the internet. I love you, I support you 100% in whatever path is right for you!

[darkpear]

I am not in exactly the same situation, but there are some similarities, so I wanted to reply.

I am bi also. Most of my relationships, which have been very few in the first place, have been with men though. My partner of 11 years is a bi man. We have two daughters and are very compatible and happy. We talked about poly stuff early in the relationship but it was never really resolved and we both ended up feeling more jealousy than anticipated when the situation presented itself. I know he's the person I want to be with, but I'm not sure if I'm on board with never having relations or relationships with anyone else ever, particularly since I have had little opportunity to explore the woman-loving side of myself.

The conclusion I've come to is that I don't have to resolve this right now. I/we certainly don't have time or energy to look for dates with two little kids anyways, and while there is definitely something missing, other things are higher priority (I want to go back to school).

BUT I do have that deep connection with my guy. It sounds like you don't. Did you ever?

[BrooklynDoula]

Personally, I think after three years (with a child in that mix) it makes sense to not be open to poly but I wonder if this might change. My partner and I were solo with each other for over 10 years before we were ready and he did a lot of things to accomidate my sexual needs, so perhaps there is space for a less hetero relationship within your existing bond.

And, if porn is an option, I really recommend Crashpad (not sure if I am allowed to say that or not now that I think about it - it can be edited out I suppose).

[thismama]

Originally Posted by MSAX

Personally, I think after three years (with a child in that mix) it makes sense to not be open to poly but I wonder if this might change. My partner and I were solo with each other for over 10 years before we were ready and he did a lot of things to accomidate my sexual needs, so perhaps there is space for a less hetero relationship within your existing bond.

And, if porn is an option, I really recommend Crashpad (not sure if I am allowed to say that or not now that I think about it - it can be edited out I suppose).

I'm so glad you responded. Sandy is my IRL long term, super good friend. I her. And Sandy, MSAX is awesome!

[BrooklynDoula]

A thismama connection! Sandy, you are welcome to PM me to chat about how we worked things out in non-MDC approved ways I think there is a lot that can be done within mixed gender relationships that really is 'bi-fun' and can be very queer if both people can commit themselves to trying new things and working outside of that tired old hetero routine.

My 'need' for something else kind of came and went and there were times in our relationship where I felt a bit hopeless, like I simply could not live without knowing that at least some day, if not now, another woman relationship would be possible. And we talked about this and about our fears and we worked with fantasy and such to maintain our relationship and he always remaineed open to the idea that it could happen some day (when he was ready). It was 13 years before he was ready, but by then we were both really ready and solid through poly situations.

That said, I don't think it is selfish to have sexual desires outside the bounds of what you have right now and I think that as partners, this needs to be negotiated in a mutually respectful way (not just "I say no"). As parents, these things are complicated even more so by the limits placed on your time and energy and can be even more stressful, but you partner should be at least open to talking and exploring things within you relationship (non-poly) to help find ways to meet your needs and desires (and you, in turn, should also be involved in helping to meet his needs and desires which may be similar or very different). Keeps things fun

Good luck. I think these things are hard. And, as for the family stuff, I agree that all sorts of families are equally valuable but I also think that having two parents, who ever they maybe, working together is easier for everyone and when and if it is possible, I think it is wonderful. Nothing against single moms or dads at all, just an acknowledgement of how hard it is to parent alone - I think ideally all kids would be raised in huge poly networks so they had LOTS of adults to spread out their endless energy with

[BrooklynDoula]

PS. Your son and I share a birthday - I can imagine that he rocks Cancer\leo folks are fun!

[sandy from Toronto]

MSAX,
your ideas sound great...but, they are not practical for my relationship. We don't have the kind of emotionally intimate and trusting relationship that would lend itself to the type of sensitive, loving and empathic discussions one would need to have with a partner to negotiate and work through these issues.
There is limited meaningful communication, plus a million other complicating factors including cross cultural issues. If anything, your response has really pointed out how much else is wrong with the relationship.
I do know that my husband will continue to be involved in our son's life...so, he will still have two adults actively parenting him...but, practically, I realize two households means a family world divided for him. I wonder if single parenting always has to lead to solo parenting? I hope not.

Oh, and, yes, thismama rocks. We should start a fan club! (lol)

[BrooklynDoula]

Originally Posted by sandy from Toronto

MSAX,
your ideas sound great...but, they are not practical for my relationship. We don't have the kind of emotionally intimate and trusting relationship that would lend itself to the type of sensitive, loving and empathic discussions one would need to have with a partner to negotiate and work through these issues.
There is limited meaningful communication, plus a million other complicating factors including cross cultural issues. If anything, your response has really pointed out how much else is wrong with the relationship.
I do know that my husband will continue to be involved in our son's life...so, he will still have two adults actively parenting him...but, practically, I realize two households means a family world divided for him. I wonder if single parenting always has to lead to solo parenting? I hope not.

Oh, and, yes, thismama rocks. We should start a fan club! (lol)

Yes on the fan club!

And, sorry to hear that the relationships has other difficulties. Given that, then I think it makes sense to do what you need to for yourself. If this were the only issue in an otherwise happy situation, then it would be great to try to work it out, but 'staying together for the kid' is IMO (and I grew up with it also!) no favor to anyone. A divided family is much better than unhappy parents, so you should follow your heart on this one. I don't think it is at all selfish to make a decision to end something that is not working for you. Much strenght to your in your journey and I hope you find someone amazing who you can create a reall intimate, emotionally strong bond with.

[dawnadelle]

I don't think you are being selfish over a sexual need. Just like being heterosexual is not all about sex, nor is homosexuality, nor is bisexuality. I think it's a bigger picture than that.

A similar situation is: a husband who said he would support a semi-poly lifestyle (where his wife was permitted a girlfriend), but then tried it on and didn't like it. So the wife lost girl #1. Then the husband said he was very sorry and that next time he'd be ok with it. So the wife had a very serious relationship with another married/bi/woman for over a year, but the husband was very troublesome for all that year and a half and the marriage nearly ended in divorce in November. The marriage continued despite the close call, but the girlfriend dumped the wife 2 weeks ago because the husband was just too much trouble, although the girlfriend and the wife were very much in love. They remain friends... but that's not the same.

So, any advice?

I know that the above wife has since attended a seminar on self-confidence, and has been addressing other issues through another group. She has decided to pursue happiness, fearlessness, and quality in her life. She has made a commitment to be good to her children by being good and fair to herself.

I can't give any advice about what specifically you could or should do, but I would abandon false ideas about what is good for children (it doesn't have to be the traditional nuclear family as you noted), and do something about that guilt and those conflicted feelings. Guilt is self-induced... I know it's not easy to get rid of, but it is ultimately your choice to get rid of it. Sexual identity that lies on both sides is also difficult to deal with and I don't think you have to draw a strict line in proclaiming an identity.

All the best to you and your family during this. Keep in touch with how things go.

[bjorker]

I gotta come back and read this thread better when I have more time, because I am in the EXACT same situation. The only real difference is that DP says that he's sorta-kinda open to it, but when it comes down to it, I don't think he'd *ever* really be "ready".

Gotta run, but I'll be back...

[crayon]

If this person was another woman and not a man what is his objection? I could see if you wanted a "V" relationship with a nother woman or a man- but are you talking a living 3 way relationship? I am not a huge fan of V relationships- I am sure they are wonderful for others- but not me. What have you asked him to be open too?

However, those questioned asked, it does sound like you have more than just being poly v's not poly. I hope you find some good answers for yourself and your family.

[wifty]

Before meeting hubbie when I was almost 28, I was strictly lesbian and have not been attracted to any other man other then hubbie.....so I consider myself a married lesbian. :-)

DH is good in that he is open to me having a relationship with a woman. However, I found that what I needed the most from a female wasn't a whole relationship at this point......but instead just needed to feel attractive to a woman. So, for now, flirting meets my needs. Perhaps you could examine what would be the least you need in addition to your husband.....and explain to him how important it is to at least have those needs met?

What is hard though is finding a female relationship while married. I had one briefly with a married bisexual, but although I cared for her very much, I had a hard time making it work at the time (we were still newlyweds). I miss it....alot, but I love my soulmate in a mans body.

So, I am a bit different from you in that hubby is willing to be open to me being in a relationship. I just have to find someone and get over my own worry. :-)

Good luck! I think its important to be in relationships where people love you for you.....including the bisexual part of you.

[drifter]

Originally Posted by thismama

Are you in love with him? Do you want to be in a primary relationship with him, and have relationships with women on the side? Or do you envision a primary relationship with someone else?

I believe this is the problem he many people and maybe the original posters husband have with poly. Why do you need to have a primary - why do you need to have people on the side.

I know I only like women. Ang is Bi - I would absolutely not like it one bit if she had another relationship with another girl. I would not want to sit at home and feel like I am missing something. I would not want to have her taking time away from our family. That would not be right to anyone else in our family.

So instead, we will only look for someone that we can both love - in our house as a triad. That way nobody is left out. We are all involved. We all have 2 partners.

We also know that to have three people love equal is very small odds, so we are prepared to just go without that forever, because we really believe the unbalance by having someone take time outside of your family for another relationship will wreck the family.

Can that type of relationship really last 30 or 50 years? I would not want to be 60 and have the kids gone and Angela spending 3 nights a week at her girl friends. And I am sure her girl friend would not want to be alone with her spending 4 nights a week with me. Seems a lonely way to grow old.

OK - so I know that was a little off topic since I do not even know for sure whether you are talking about V's or your DH has ever considered triads or only V's

[bjorker]

This is a random comment... but I just came here to vent for a second because I don't know what else to do.


I don't know if I can keep this up. I feel like I just can't do it anymore.
I don't feel right... just feel like I'm going to explode...

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. :



Okay. Ahem. Thank-you.

[sandy from Toronto]

Bjorker,
hey, are you alright? Your vent was a little on the mysterious side. What's up?
Regarding my first post...
I looked at an apartment the other day and realized that I had everything ready to leave my hubby, if I was ready. I'm not. I got scared sh*tless and suddenly, at least for right now, my dilemma dissappeared. The whole lesbian fantasy life evaporated (everything is always perfect in my fantasy life as a single lesbian mom...circle of tight friends, great lover, easy coparenting relationship with baby daddy, creative use of tight financial resources, yadda, yadda, yadda...)
...yes, it still has a lure as a fantasy - with some reality mixed in since I did live as lesbian on and off throughout my adult life - but I was childless then- , but I haven't built that life for myself and my son. I have built myself and introduced my son into the world in the context of this life and this relationship with his father...and I am not brave enough to risk screwing it all up right now. NOT when he is so little and trusting and loving. God, the world crushes all of us enough and I really couldn't handle the sadness on my little guy's face when he realized daddy wasn't going to be living with us anymore.
Plus, I can't do the betrayal behind the back thing - it feels too skanky. I'm a pretty moraled character and it would get to me.
So, dilemma is temporarily solved. I am sitting on it...detaching from my other desires and unexpressed parts of myself...in order to live in the NOW that I have created...always keeping the possibility of something else open for myself in the future. I'll see how it goes.

[CeraMae]

Been there, felt that. I have struggled with this issue my entire adult life and have gone down several roads. I married my husband thinking that poly was okay with him, and he changed his mind. We had a baby and I felt totally devoted to having a strong wonderful relationship to bring our son up in. I did everything under the son I could think of to work on the marriage: therapy, couples counseling, 12-step group, medication, you name it.

I moved halfway across the world to prove my devotion to my marriage. And in the end, my inner work and my spiritual path led me to the right answer for me. All of the advice, books, articles and "outside" stuff never helped. I had to spend the time to go deep down inside and find out what works in our relationship vs. what doesn't. What I need vs. what I can compromise on. After several years of deep work I realized that the marriage didn't work for me but the relationship does. We are divorced and very amicable. I know that I am 100% bisexual, and that there are requirements I have in any relationship, whether it is with a woman or a man.

And my son is better off growing up in a 2-family home with strong parents who make good choices, than he is with a miserable nuclear family too afraid to become "statistics."

~Cera

[sandy from Toronto]

Originally Posted by CeraMae

And my son is better off growing up in a 2-family home with strong parents who make good choices, than he is with a miserable nuclear family too afraid to become "statistics."

~Cera

I loved this quote. So well said. And I do agree with it. I am less scared of being a "satistic" and much more scared of not making "good choices". I know that these difficult life decisions require alot of soul searching. It sounds like you really did yours and came to a place of peace and certainty about your decisions. I hope I get to a similar place.

[amymarie]

hey sandy just thought i would share my story with you.....when i became pregnant with my dd seven years ago her biological dad didn't want her.....so i got back together with my ex who i knew would be a great daddy and support me in any way he can....i was deeply in love with motherhood for the first few years....then i started remembering why i broke up with my ex in the first place.....i was not physically attracted to him anymore.....i fantasized about being with women.....i fantasized about having sex with someone i got turned on by....i felt like an old woman in an old marriage and i wasn't even 30 yet..
well i did a lot of bad things during that time....i cheated on him.....i hurt him....i got caught.....we broke up.....we got back together.....i tried to live in a sexless relationship but it just is so very hard for me.....so as i was trying my hardest to be a good mom and partner and stuff down my sexual needs i began several friendships to help me.....and one of those friendships blossomed and grew and deepened until one day we became much more than just friends.....i didn't want to lie anymore.....so i told my partner what was going on and he was of course very hurt and upset and quickly packed up and moved out.....this was very hard for me but even harder for my dd.....she blamed me and my friend for her dad leaving.....but that was in september and things are going quite well now....
she sees her dad often and me and him are getting along now and concentrating on being good parents to her.....and i am so much happier now.....i am in a loving relationship with my very best friend and my sex life is amazing......oh yeah and the reason why i am posting in queer parenting is that my lover is a female to male transexual....this is lots of fun for dd who knew him as a girl at first but now understands he wants to be a boy

[sandy from Toronto]

Amymarie,
I am so glad to hear that things have worked out well for you. I can definitely relate to your story...I feel VERY old and I am only 37. The sexless relationship thing sucks. It is not that I might never want to sleep with a man again...but this compulsory heterosexuality and monogamy thing feels like a noose around my neck. It's the whole package of patriarchial marriage and the traditional wife/mothering role which while not what I signed up for, I have ended up getting. Add the constant relationship conflicts and the unspoken demand from my partner to suppress whole dimensions of my sexuality and it all adds up to almost a year of no sexual contact with my husband. He has no interest and neither do I.
Oh, I am still going through a crappy, crazy time. I am back and forth, back and forth all the time. I decide to stay and make the best of it and then I flip in my mind and tell myself that this is an unbearable situation and it will only get worse. I need COURAGE, girl, and lots of it. Plus some self-love and self-confidence. Just yesterday I was thinking, the price of motherhood should not be a life sentence confined to all this "good girl crap". My problem is not only did I marry a man (I'm not the marrying kind and although I am bi, I was clearly kidding myself when I made a life long committment to a male partner...my relationships with men have never really been that satisfying), but I married a very conservative one.
It is good to hear that others survive and thrive through all these changes and I am so glad to hear that your daughter is doing well.
I am thinking of apartment hunting, once again. But really, I need some clarity and some courage. I am so scared of making a bad decision for myself and my child...I need to work through this fear thing and figure out what it all means.