Bi monogamy not working - Page 2

[UmmBnB]

Originally Posted by MSAX

Personally, I think after three years (with a child in that mix) it makes sense to not be open to poly but I wonder if this might change. My partner and I were solo with each other for over 10 years before we were ready and he did a lot of things to accomidate my sexual needs, so perhaps there is space for a less hetero relationship within your existing bond.

I don't think that three years is too early to open things up...if indeed that's what the quoted poster was saying. I think its completely dependent on those involved. We opened our marriage up after only one year and its been several years now. Things get better each day! We had one child when we opened the marriage up, got pregnant and had our second while open and continue to be blissfully happy. For us, our outside relationships and flings...yes some are just flings....make our own bond stronger.

There are several options for opening up your marriage - relationships aren't necessarily required, if that's something you would be comfortable with.

[amymarie]

hi again sandy......when i read your story i felt like i could relate to it....i needed courage too.....and i admit that i never would have gotten the courage if it wasn't for my friend/lover....its like i had it all the time but needed someone to push me a little to want to use it.....
and i agree with the needing self-love and self-confidence.....these things are hard to have when you are not completely happy
yeah i need to do apartment hunting....we can't stay where we are now since dd's dad doesn't live with us anymore....hes been helping out a lot with money but he won't forever.....rent is too high.....i have my good days and bad days.....right now i am pmsing so i feel super emotional and sad that we have to move.....we live in such a nature filled area i am gonna cry when we move to a little apartment with no mama earth around us.....
but i will look on the bright side.....i am happy in my relationships now
i am sending you good clarity finding,courage attracting energy
i felt the same way as you for many years....lots of fear and not wanting to make a bad decision for dd....i am still a little scared....hang in there and i know good things will happen for you.....and you can always come here and vent and talk about whatever

[JWSJ]

Sandy,

If your husband up and told you that he was leaving because he found someone else would you be outraged about his lack of commitment to you and the family or relieved that it would give you an easy guilt free out?

[sandy from Toronto]

Originally Posted by amymarie

hi again sandy......
i am sending you good clarity finding,courage attracting energy
i felt the same way as you for many years....lots of fear and not wanting to make a bad decision for dd....i am still a little scared....hang in there and i know good things will happen for you.....and you can always come here and vent and talk about whatever

Amymarie, THANKS!

[sandy from Toronto]

Originally Posted by JWSJ

Sandy,

If your husband up and told you that he was leaving because he found someone else would you be outraged about his lack of commitment to you and the family or relieved that it would give you an easy guilt free out?

I think I would at first feel terrified - just the same as I do when I think of leaving the marriage myself. Its the reorganization of my life and my son's life that scares me...all the unknowns. But I think that after the dust settled, I would feel free - and guilt free! - to move forward and build the kind of life I want for myself. I would see it as an opportunity.

I don't want no contact with my husband and I absolutely want him to be an involved parent to our son. If he left and these things changed, I would feel horrible. I would also hope that he hooked up with a good woman since they will play a role in my son's life as well.

[mamaSun loveMore]

Hi!

I just wanted to say- this thread is great!

I never knew there were so many mamas out there sharing in some of my internal conflict!

I am phasing out of a 7 yr. commited "monogamous" relationship with a man. He knows I'm bi and is queer friendly, but not interested.

I'm now open to dating again (or working towards it, at least) and I'm hoping to date on both sides of the gender line.
This will be new to me, as a mom. I'm curious about how I'll negotiate things w/ my little one.
Plus I live in a pretty rural southern area now, I'm not even sure where to find my queer family....

wish me luck, ya'll

[mom2julia]

Originally Posted by wifty

Before meeting hubbie when I was almost 28, I was strictly lesbian and have not been attracted to any other man other then hubbie.....so I consider myself a married lesbian. :-)

OMG! I am so happy to have found all of you! I feel the same way! My husband always says if we break up I would be with a woman. I would never want another man but I LOVE my husband. It is so weird and very hard to explain, even to myself.

My biggest question is . . . how do you meet/connect with another bi/lesbian woman? I met my husband just as I started to find women I could possibly connect and hook up with (I was in college). So, I have never been with a woman! That is very frustrating for me. I feel more and more like I am missing out on something. Ugh!

[crayon]

Originally Posted by mom2julia

My biggest question is . . . how do you meet/connect with another bi/lesbian woman? I met my husband just as I started to find women I could possibly connect and hook up with (I was in college). So, I have never been with a woman! That is very frustrating for me. I feel more and more like I am missing out on something. Ugh!

This is me too... I met my DP (man) when I was 19- no other women thus far. But I KNOW I am bi- but I am picky and have not been able to meet anyone

[witt]

sandy

[sphinx]

Originally Posted by sandy from Toronto

I feel VERY old and I am only 37. The sexless relationship thing sucks. ... this compulsory heterosexuality and monogamy thing feels like a noose around my neck. ... Add the constant relationship conflicts and the unspoken demand from my partner to suppress whole dimensions of my sexuality and it all adds up to almost a year of no sexual contact with my husband. He has no interest and neither do I. ... My problem is not only did I marry a man... but I married a very conservative one.

you're my long lost twin! (only I'm a married lesbian, not bi.) The worst part is having cut off this whole side of myself for years and now feeling this need - lest i completely EXPLODE - to finally be true to myself - but no clue as to how to take a step in any direction.

[wifty]

sphinx, I am right there with you....a married lesbian. I love my husband and he is my soulmate so the body bits don't matter, but I have never been interested in another man and lived 27 years as a lesbian.

You know, even though I would love to find a wonderful woman who would understand that I am not leaving hubby, I am not sure I could be intimate with her even though hubby has given me permission to do so if it ever comes up. Do you think that is just society drilled into our head about monogamy? Can you love two people at the same time....even be in love with two people?

thoughts?
rebecca

[amymarie]

i think i can love and be in love with two people at the same time.....
everyone is different though.....
its difficult to say whether its society drilled into our heads about monogamy or personal preference....maybe a little of both for some people
my best friend tried to be in an open relationship and it didn't feel right for her.....
i have never been in an open relationship but often longed for my partner to be willing to give it a try.....
now i am with someone and we both want to be free to do what we want and not hold each other back.....
but we both have had jealousy issues come up and we are learning a lot about ourselves and each other....

[lilysmama1124]

[QUOTE=sandy from Toronto;7091477] It's the whole package of patriarchial marriage and the traditional wife/mothering role which while not what I signed up for, I have ended up getting. QUOTE]
that:

So this is the first time I have looked at this forum because I am bi and married to a man and to most of my gay friends that means I'm straight so I didn't think I would belong here. I have been married for about a year and really love my dh and we actually do have a sex life but I just can not accept that I will never have another relationship with a woman. I have mostly dated men and feel like I haven't had enough relationships with woman and wonder if I can really committ to my dh. He is very clear that he wants monogomy which is scary because I have never really been able to be monogomous. I also think that as someone who considers themselves as part of the GLBT community it is hard have such a hetero life. I kinda liked not being mainstream...I guess I'm still not but it feels that way. My dd is 3 mos and sometimes I feel very guilty too thinking that eventually I will probably "break up" our family. I have decided not to worry about the future and just to be the best partner and parent I can for now and figure it out as I go along. After reading your posts though it sounds as though you are unhappy in your marriage for other reasons as well. I was in a virtually sexless relationship with a man for 5 years before dh. We kept breaking up and getting back together over it and I would date people during those times. After we finally broke up and I moved on I realized that for me having an active sex life is something that is essential to who I am as a woman whether it is with a woman or a man. This may not be true for everyone. I think having the satisfying sex life with dh that I have actually makes me a better mother because it reduces stress and helps me reconnect with my adult self instaed of feeling like I am always in babyland. You deserve to be happy and the happier you are the more you will enjoy parenting.

[*daciaperfect*]

i see myself in so many of the posts that are here. sometimes i feel so alone with my feelings but i know i am not, and i am glad there are others here who are dealing with the same.

[Sharlla]

Originally Posted by mom2julia

My biggest question is . . . how do you meet/connect with another bi/lesbian woman?

I met one at the gym and two on Polymatchmaker

[sphinx]

Originally Posted by wifty

Do you think that is just society drilled into our head about monogamy? Can you love two people at the same time....even be in love with two people?

I might be able to theoretically, but practically speaking I can't and I don't want to. I tried it but it was not for me. I like to devote myself fully to discovery about the person I am involved with, nurturing a deep, growing & changing connection... I just don't have energy for or interest in more than one intense emotional relationship at a time. I asked dh if he would be willing for me to try having a girlfriend "on the side". He was shocked and deeply hurt, and pointed out that all the energy I would be giving to that person would be energy taken away from our family. Unfortunately, I think he's probably right. I know people who are successful at this without running their energy thin, but not I.

[LdyBluNH@aol]

i've heard of some families have a gender monogamy -- meaning your dh is the only male for you

[MrsNavigator]

I'm Bi and married to a man for seven years now. With a crazy life (we've moved a lot of times - military) I've not really had time to look into a poly life. Then again - I married a guy who was okay with it right up until the wedding which was fine - we moved 3000 miles three days later anyway and girlfriend was none too happy about my choice to wed.

Anyhow - I've gone through the emotion of it so many times over the years and especially since we had DD two years ago. I would enjoy a sexual relationship with a woman BUT I am bi and chose DH as a person, not his sex. What if I were straight and wanted another guy - not okay in my world once monogamy is agreed upon. So who is it okay as a bi woman?

So for me - I chose the person, with the ups and downs sexually of being bi, not his sex. So no poly for us - but I don't see why it has to be that way for every couple. I think it has to be honest from the start and those of us who are bi have to respect our partner's opinions - even if that means leaving the relationship to pursue without cheating.

[crayon]

Kulia,

I understand what you are saying. It has to be hard if he was on board with you about having a GF up until you were married. But, I admire that you respect your relationship enough to respect his wishes. I guess in your case it would be cheating. Did you have a girlfriend up until you were married??

Do you think it would change things if you had an equal female partner? Like a triad instead of a Vee relationship?

However I see your point in the choice of a "person" not a sex, but I feel that each sex creates different styles of people. My partner is just not good at the mothering- I mean when I am sick he can not just take over and take care of me- you know, like a woman could. But, he can do things like make me feel safe like I know a woman can't.

For us the bi part has always been known- though not acted on. It has only been in the last 2-3 years we even knew that poly was a term or a real thing. So, this looking for another partner is very new to me/us. In my relationship I would be open to having a couple, but my partner is not really in favor of that- so like you I respect that. It is all about choice and respect. I see no reason to cheat in any realationship. Find the path that feeds your soul.

[MrsNavigator]

I had a girlfriend, that DH was aware of and knew as his friend (she was NOT bi), up until the wedding. But, the stress of me preparing for a wedding while choosing to make a much more serious commitment to him than to her really put the shits on that relationship. I think she wanted more from me and at that time, I wanted to marry Travis and not Nicole as people, not sexes.

I was so burned out by the breakup with Nicole that it was not too hard at first, and I have certainly gone through times when it was. I think DH *might* go for it if I were visibly really miserable - but I'm just not - kwim? I go up and down like any bipolar gal but in the end I put my energies into being the best friend to myself, partner to him, and mother to DD.

On top of it we live in the military world - I have a lot of friends who know I'm a *bleeding heart liberal* but our sexual orientations don't come up often, and when they do I always end up having to give the "I'm bi but chose the person not the penis" talk. I don't mind doing it here - but with my DH's boss's wife who I'm only being friendly to socially since we have nothing in common - sometimes I'm just too tired.

I am lucky though, DH is a a super Dad who really nurtures DD as much as I do and as I am now lying in bed on day 4 of the stomach flu I have no doubt she is perfectly happy not to be with her crabby Mommy. I agree with you though - he can take over and "mother" DD but he is only so/so at doing it for me....I guess as a Mom I've given up on being the one "mothered."