Trying to Balance it All

[ColoradoKat]

Hi Mama!

I have been having a hard time recently trying to balance my new life with my baby and not totally resent my dh in the process.

My 7 week old cat naps during the day unless I have here in the Ergo or Moby. So I have 15 minute spurts to get anything done. Even in the carriers she wakes up if I sit down. I feel like the only time I have a second to "relax" is when I nurse, we nurse side lying. But this is hardly rest due to the kicking in my stomach, pulling and tugging of my nipple, scratching of my boob and grunting noises my dd makes when nursing. Sleep is not an option and reading is hard, so I just get bored.

With washing the diapers, washing me , general houseshold stuff, I never sit down. I want to be able to sit and relax while she cat naps, but I just can't. I just look around at all the stuff that needs to get done and have to do it. Plus I know she will be up in 15 minutes so why bother relaxing.

By the time my dh comes home from work I want to just hand her off. He takes her, and after 15 minutes he looks at me with these eyes like he has been doing this ALL day and complains that his arm is getting sore. I cook, clean, and eat with her in my arms. Sometimes making my arm a little numb. If she gets fussy he does really try to soothe her, but she never fusses with me. I just keep trying to find that perfect "spot" for her in my arms for her to settle in to then she is fine. How bad do I want to take her? .... but I don't, I ask him if I can help but feel like he just needs to figure out how to be with her.

When I have her or nurse her there is so much around the house that needs to be done, but he doesn't see it. I don't want to be a nag but I realize he can't read my mind either. I realize he has worked all day too, but now that we have a baby it is a full time job 24/7 for both of us. Our nights of relaxation have changes, but he is holding on tight.

I know there needs to be a happy medium. I know I am a control/neat freak. I don't want my gravestone to say "she had a really clean house". I want it to say I was a "fun and loving wife and mother". I am just really having a hard time balancing it all and getting it all done. I want to relax and enjoy time with him when he gets home.

How do you balance it all???

Thanks for listening!

[OMama]

I think this is all very normal and typical! I remember going through this when DD was born over 2.5 years ago, and I still do to this day with babe #2 here now as well (know I think just having one was a piece of cake, but I didn't at the time). In some ways it gets easier, and in others it doesn't. I still have problems with resenting DH as well. At first, before our daughter was born, I think that both he and I thought that I would be able to easily take care of a newborn and all the house work. We quickly realized how difficult that was for one person! Even though he already did help out around the house a lot more than some men do, he had to step up even more. And now he really needs to do even more with a 10 week old and a 2.5YO. He complains sometimes how he doesn't have any of his own time and I try not to laugh. He complains how he has such little time to exercise (even though he goes rock climbing twice a week during his lunch break at work) and little time to watch tv, read, play video games, etc. I try not to laugh when he says all this because it would just lead to an argument. I can hardly find time to sleep, shower, eat, etc. I just tell him "I know, it's hard." It is hard for both of us, and it is often hard to understand the other person's position when you aren't in it. He'll never know what it is like to be a mother and what I do for my children on a daily (and nightly) basis and I won't know what it is like to feel responsible for supporting a wife and two young children.

The good news is that in a lot of ways it does get better. You kind of get used to not having much of a break and then you really savor it when you do. Also, it doesn't stay the same with a babe. Soon she'll cluster her sleep more and you'll have longer breaks. Eventually she'll probably take two naps that are at least an hour or two long and then you'll be able to rest too. And really -- this is what you should do -- rest when she does. Lessen your cleaning expectations. I am somewhat of a neat-freak too and it drives me nuts when things are a mess but I've had to let that go a lot as well. Hold your baby, be with her, and eventually the house stuff will get taken care of. What's that old poem? Something like . . .

Cobwebs and dust go to sleep
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.

In terms of DH, just keep trying to communicate to him that you need help and keep "politely" asking for it. It is best not to try to compare, even though it is hard. I know. Hang in there!

[swampwitch]

Just wanted to say "me too!" It's hard not to resent dh b/c while he works all day, it just is not the same energy level as caring for a little baby. I don't expect him to do all the baby work when he gets home, but I'd appreciate him not rolling his eyes when I ask him to unload the dishwasher. Ugh.

[1stbaby3rddaughter]

SAME HERE!!! I posted "sahm vs wife" several days ago, and "TheDiveMissE" responded and said that I'll never look back on it and say "I wish I had kept my house cleaner" that coment really got to me, although I have to be honest today my husband told me that I have a real problem because I've been cleaning all day eventhough the house was clean, but my family is flying in today and I just can't help it but to clean like a freak!
I'm really trying though (not today) to kinda ignore some of the things that bother me,but my little mama is colicky so I have to hold her all the time, if I try to put her down when she she falls asleep she wakes up, she cries with everyone else but me; my hubby helps a lot, but he works 12-14 hour days and goes to school online so I hate to bother him with my extremes, and when I think the house is about to explote from our mess and dirt he says that it's ok and that I'm crazy; so trust me I'm right there with you, I guess only time will make it better, or maybe not and you'll just get used to always be tired but with a clean house...

[Peony]

Babies teach US patience, lots of it. I've learned that I will have a clean house when my dc are gone, that laundry doesn't have to be folded, sometimes the best meals are what you can dig out of the fridge... Basicially it boils down to don't sweat the small stuff. Time flies really quickly, my first baby will be 4 in 2 weeks. I do like a clean house, I like things to be neat and organized, sometimes they are, but not with a new baby in the house. I've learned to let things go, DH was complaining this am because "the house is disgusting", it's isn't nearly as bad as many of the people I know with DC houses are, but it's it messy for us. I told him to deal with it. Being with my baby is much more important to me then cleaning right now.

I feel that it takes several months for first time parents to adjust to their new role as parents, and to find a new balance in the relationship. DH and I really struggled the first time around because DD1 was so colicky, I would be crying by the time he got come from work from trying to calm her down for years, it was rough, but we found our way. Don't expect things to happen overnight. Routines can take months to get down. I also think that many first time dads are pretty scared of the baby for a while, and it is hard to understand what we go through for the day to day care of them.

Good luck, and hang in there.

[lab80]

I am a neat freak...but I was much worse before DS was born. I had a cleaning routine and now I don't really have one. I clean when I get a chance. When DH gets home from work/school I will ask him if he "wants" to hold the baby and he says "I will if you want me to". I say, "I didn't ask if you will I asked if you wanted to". He will rarely offer to hold him. I have to ask him, it's like...I've been holding him ALL day it's frustrating that he doesn't take notice of this and realzie I need a break. He gets to leave his coworkers and professors behind but our baby doesn't leave at the end of the day. Sometimes he will ask to eat before taking the baby, well I'd like to eat something too! I've been living off of microwavable stuff because I'm scared to use the stove/oven because I have to hold DS almost constantly and I'm afraid I will burn him.

I will ask DH to hold DS while I clean even if it's just for 10 or 15 minutes, I can get quite a bit done but sometimes in the middle of my cleaning he will hand DS to me and all the sudden he has something to do...excuse me you already agreed to watch him while I got some stuff done. He doesn't really complian about things...game playing or tv watching. Honestly when he gets home we sit in front of the tv until bed time (sometimes I don't even get a kiss or anything when he gets home, he just sits down and zones out or something). I don't drive so I'm stuck at home all day and he does get annoyed when he gets home and is tired but I want to leave the house. But he trys.

I used to vaccum every Friday but the apartment has been vaccumed twice since DS was born over 8 weeks ago. I've tried to vaccum, tried to get DH to hold DS so I could but it would never end up working out...and before we went out of town last week I made a list of things to get done before we left and vaccum was on the list and he got mad at me for "needing to make the house spotless before we went out of town". I vaccumed today and he said "wow it looks so much nicer when it's been vaccumed". I said "I know!".

One thing I have realzied though is...it's not a good idea to make a list of chores for your DH to do! He got mad at me for doing this. Instead I have to ask him to do one thing then a little while later ask him to do something else...that seems to be working, I guess...:

I've learned not to sweat the small stuff. Like everyone says these babies are going to grow up fast so we need to enjoy it.