Birth Family Dilema...WWYD?

[Fyrestorm]

I'm not sure if this is the correct forum for this. It might need to go into personal growth or another one...Mods, please move to the appropriate forum as you see fit...

Here's my dilema...I'm going to try for the Reader's Digest version:

I was adopted at birth in Connecticut. At 16 (1980-81) I went and got the non identifying information from the adoption agency.

Many years later (2003) I hired a PI and she located info off the sealed records and I contacted my birth mother. She was not very receptive. Kinda bitter I would say. She answered alot of my questions but not all of them.

She told my I had a half brother and that she was dying of breast cancer. She had been fighting the battle for 6 years and as of that May (2003) she was stopping all treatment.

I spoke to her twice and she told me she did not want to see me while she was so sick. I never called again...I just waited.

This past Saturday, I was searching around on the internet for information (name address etc.) for my half brother. I came across my birth mother's obituary. It contained my half brothers complete name and address.

Here is my dilema:

Do I call or write a letter to him (as of my last conversation with BM, she had not told him about me and I seriously doubt she made a death bed confession)

Since I have all the identifying info, will the court release my original Birth Certificate and does anyone have any info on how to go about that? I think since ny half brother doesn't know about me, I might need the certificate to prove it.

Any ifno or suggestions would be very welcome.

TIA

[Leta]

I can be of no help other than to say if I had a half sibling out there, I would definately want to meet him or her.

So here's one vote for contacting your brother.

[dharmamama]

I would contact him. He deserves to know about you. What he does with that information is up to him, but I would think that, now that's he's lost his mother, he would be particularly interested in getting to know his sister.

Namaste!

[T. Elena]

It does seem like your bio bro has a right to know about you, but of course this may come as a shock for any number of reasons, mostly having to do with the decisions and the life story of your birthmom (which you may be effectively rewriting).

So . . . stating the obvious here . . . proceed with caution, I guess. Maybe your approach would be less threatening if you made it clear what your hopes are ("I just want to know a little bit about what you're like" or whatever you feel) . . . so he doesn't think you're after something else. You know how the media misrepresents adoption and "reunion" stories all the time, so who knows what conclusions some folks can jump to.

I'm an adoptive mama and don't have much experience in this area . . . just know that reunions experiences vary widely. I suspect other adoptees that have gone through this process can speak more directly to potential challenges and outcomes.

Good luck and lots of hugs. I am so sorry for your losses. . . .

[mommaduck]

I will add that there is no birth certificate for you though. The BC the state has will only be under your adopted name and adopted parents...they dispose of the original after the adoption and it is replaced with the new BC (the only original of mine in existence is in my mother's and stepfather's files...and they refuse to release it).

[blissfish]

Boy. So, FWIW, I'm adoptee who found both my birth parents. I'm in frequent contact with my BF & family and really intermitent contact with my BM and peripherally with her family (by her choice). Making contact with both parents was one of the most emotionally beneficial and difficult things I've ever done, but I reap the benefits of all these amazing people who are a part of my life and feel always very blessed, despite some of the challenges it's brought me as well.

From my perspective, I really can't see why you ~shouldn't~ attempt contact with him, provided you are prepared, and have a good support system, in the eventuality that you end up disappointed and/or rejected - again.

That's a big point. I think one of the most painful things adoptees experience is the feeling of not being accepted in some capacity by your birth family as a searching adult. That said, most of the people I know who are adopted find that their birth siblings have generally been more receptive and welcoming than their birth parents.

Additionally:

1) you haven't said you are looking for anything tangible from him, like a kidney. You just want to make contact.

2) it might be difficult for him to hear, but your attempt to make contact isn't intrinsically hurtful or unkind - quite the opposite, right?

3) how long ago did your BM die? If she JUST died, it might be more difficult for him to hear from you than if she's been deceased for a while.

4) I think a letter might be easier on him than a phone call. It gives him a lot of distance at first to process and respond.

I'm not convinced that you'd need "proof" like your birth certificate, right? At least not to make initial contact, although I can understand if you need that extra armor to feel secure when you contact him. To reach out and ask to know him is opening a door that could prove to be a lifelong change and really healing and beneficial to both of you. It might be intense, but I'm not sure you have to have credentials and documentation initially. Would you ask for those up front from someone who contacted you?

At it's very very best, I believe that open relationships between adoptees and their birth and adopted families provide all family members with that many more people to love and cherish, and THAT is a wonderful gift to give everyone in your life.

Good luck, Fyrestorm. I really feel for your experience and wish you great luck, courage and strength moving forward!!!

[Fyrestorm]

Thanks everyone for your replies. I've decided to write a letter and I sent it out this afternoon. Here is what I wrote...It should answer all the questions in your posts. Names have been changed to protect the innocent. Please tell me what you think. (not that I can change anything now...I had to mail it before I changed my mind)

Seth,

This is a strange letter to write and I suppose it will be as strange a letter to read. I’m not quite sure where to start so I’ll just jump in and hope it all makes some sense in the end.

First, I wanted to send my long belated condolences on the death of your mother. I was doing an internet search this weekend and came across her obituary. The last time I spoke to her was around March of 2003 and she was planning on stopping her treatments after her final chemo in May of that year. I’m sorry that things did not go well.

I guess I should give you some background information. I don’t know what you do or do not know. I am not sure if Jane ever shared any information with you about me. When I last spoke with her she told me she hadn’t. Jane was my birth mother. I was born on September 9th 1965 in Bridgeport hospital and put up for adoption with Jewish Family Services in New Haven. I hired a Private detective in 2002 who located her for me. I spoke with her by phone 2-3 times and she gave me some basic background and medical information, family history etc. She told me she had a son who was born just over a year after my adoption. She also told me that neither you, nor any other member of her family other than her parents had any knowledge of my existence. She also requested that I not contact you while she was still alive.

After I last spoke with her, my life intervened. My adoptive parents both passed away and I became pregnant with my now almost 3 year old daughter. She was born just 2 months after Jane passed. Things were pretty busy, but I never stopped wondering how things were going with Jane and hoping that we would have the opportunity to meet face to face one day. Then came this weekend and finding her obituary. My husband and Mother in Law sat me down and convinced me it was time to attempt to contact you. I didn’t want to just call out of the blue and decided a letter would be the best course of action.

Let me clarify that I have no expectations; I just wanted to make contact with you and let you know I exist. I have no living blood relatives other than my daughter and you. I understand that you were raised as an only child and thought you might like to know that you have at least a half sibling out there in the world. I am unsure from what Jane shared with me, if we have the same father or not. I would love to hear from you. I will call you a few weeks after I send this letter if I don’t hear from you since I’m only guessing that the address listed in the obituary is still correct.

My contact information is:

Dee *******
12 ****** Lane
Norwalk, Ct 06851

(203) 846-****
EMAIL: F************[e-mail]


TIA

[blissfish]

I think that's great. Again, very best wishes!!

[Fyrestorm]

****update****

In case anyone is at all interested...

He called me. We spoke for about an hour and a half.

He was shocked and "thrilled" to get me letter. He was able to verify the info with his step dad. He is really excited to meet me and we will most likely be getting together in the next few weeks.

We have exchanged pictures...his daughter looks just like me..it's really strange.

The other kind of weird thing is that his wife was placed for adoption with the same agency as I was.

What a long strange trip it's been!!

Thanks for all the support. I'm soooooo glad I did this. It was a much better response than I get from my birthmother and way better than I could have hoped for.

More updates when needed!!

[Irishmommy]

That's awesome!

[moonbeem]

quote: The other kind of weird thing is that his wife was placed for adoption with the same agency as I was.

My little bio bro surrounded himself with adoptees as very close friends

[fishface]

Congrats!!! That's wonderful!!

[TigerTail]

Wow- that's great! I agree that a letter is the best start- it's less threatening, less immediate, gives people a chance to think before reacting. So glad it went well!

[alicia622]

I'm happy you had such a great response

[wednesday]

Wow, sounds like a very positive outcome.

[Starr]

I'm so happy for you. Thanks for the update.

[VegHipMama]

How wonderful that it worked out for you! Have fun getting to know each other.

[cinnamonamon]

What a wonderful outcome!

[candipooh]

That is wonderful. I can't wait to hear more updates!

[Emilie]

WOW! You are making me want to search out my bio bro. I think I will in this next year. Good for you and so glad it is going so well!
Emilie