Okay. My last grandparent just died today of a malignant brain tumour.
My Nana 2 years ago of uterine cancer, Nan (my step-mom's mom but the one who was most "grandma") of a massive brain bleed related to cancer and mini-strokes 4 months ago, and my grandma today, and one of my uncles of several massive heart attacks in a row 2 years ago. I've had a miscarriage that I had to have surgically removed (subsequently became pregnant again on the next ovulation, and have a 2 month old). I've had other miscarriages many years ago.
I've never really been one to deal with grief. At all really. First of all, I don't think I think about death the same way as most people.
But I think I've just been waiting for the last grandparent to kick off. A waiting pattern where I've put things off.
I - we, me and my 2 siblings - had a very rough rough time in our childhood for a good number of years. Now, we got luckier because the situation got turned around and we've all done very well in adulthood.
I'm very very very angry at my grandparents, and the one uncle who died (he lived with me as a child for a period of time). I have abandonment issues because of my childhood, and the fact that my biological grandparents and uncle all didn't step up and DO something about the crappy stuff. Granted they lived more than 2 thousand klicks away. Then they didn't see us. Then they friggin' DIED before they APOLIGIZED for being big jerks. Or just reached out and bothered with us - me.
I know that is stupid to expect. It doesn't effect how I FEEL about though. I'm friggin' ANGRY. PISSED. Pissed at dead people, now that they are safely gone. I know that my Nana had all our pictures up - but wouldn't take a phone call. My grandmother came out finally - because my Dad paid her way (no, she wasn't poor).
I'm pissed at the one who was awesome, and accepted us as grandchildren and was a generally lovely woman to me. A very reserved woman, not overly demonstrative. We were slowly changing that in her, because we are demonstrative and she was liking it. But she died - and I'm angry at her. For getting sick. For never telling me that she loved me. She wasn't that sort of person. I bet she hadn't told her daughter that very often either. But I'm still angry.
A mass of angry that isn't even really related to them being dead. More like angry at them daring to die without doing "the right thing." And THEN I'm angry at myself, for being such a jerk that I'm indignant at dead people.
I feel even angrier about it because my siblings, my younger siblings seem to think I'm wierd because I'm not crying or sad. That I'm not willing to white wash the dead - I've not been bad mouthing them (only in my head), only not pretending more virtue in them than existed. My siblings barely REMEMBER (consciously) these people. I'm the only one of us who actually has any real childhood memories - any actual remembered connections. Remembered agony of seperation. I've got goddamn good reasons to not pretend people were more than they were.
Am I sad? Yes. But with 3 out of the 4 I am FAR more angry than sad.
I know it isn't good for me. I know that it is a barometre for anger that I have not dealt with. I mean, I think I've dealt with it but I am smart enough to realize that THAT all up there in this post is a good indication that I've got some serious latent volcano action in this brain somewhere. Which also pisses me off - how long do I have to be plagued by this *(*&??!!?? I'm a 32 year old married mother of three children! It makes me want to wail - LET ME GO you inner demons!!
So, if you've got the magic spell that quells the inner demons of abandonment, anger and grief can you pass it on? I've apparently found their portal.
My Nana 2 years ago of uterine cancer, Nan (my step-mom's mom but the one who was most "grandma") of a massive brain bleed related to cancer and mini-strokes 4 months ago, and my grandma today, and one of my uncles of several massive heart attacks in a row 2 years ago. I've had a miscarriage that I had to have surgically removed (subsequently became pregnant again on the next ovulation, and have a 2 month old). I've had other miscarriages many years ago.
I've never really been one to deal with grief. At all really. First of all, I don't think I think about death the same way as most people.
But I think I've just been waiting for the last grandparent to kick off. A waiting pattern where I've put things off.
I - we, me and my 2 siblings - had a very rough rough time in our childhood for a good number of years. Now, we got luckier because the situation got turned around and we've all done very well in adulthood.
I'm very very very angry at my grandparents, and the one uncle who died (he lived with me as a child for a period of time). I have abandonment issues because of my childhood, and the fact that my biological grandparents and uncle all didn't step up and DO something about the crappy stuff. Granted they lived more than 2 thousand klicks away. Then they didn't see us. Then they friggin' DIED before they APOLIGIZED for being big jerks. Or just reached out and bothered with us - me.
I know that is stupid to expect. It doesn't effect how I FEEL about though. I'm friggin' ANGRY. PISSED. Pissed at dead people, now that they are safely gone. I know that my Nana had all our pictures up - but wouldn't take a phone call. My grandmother came out finally - because my Dad paid her way (no, she wasn't poor).
I'm pissed at the one who was awesome, and accepted us as grandchildren and was a generally lovely woman to me. A very reserved woman, not overly demonstrative. We were slowly changing that in her, because we are demonstrative and she was liking it. But she died - and I'm angry at her. For getting sick. For never telling me that she loved me. She wasn't that sort of person. I bet she hadn't told her daughter that very often either. But I'm still angry.
A mass of angry that isn't even really related to them being dead. More like angry at them daring to die without doing "the right thing." And THEN I'm angry at myself, for being such a jerk that I'm indignant at dead people.
I feel even angrier about it because my siblings, my younger siblings seem to think I'm wierd because I'm not crying or sad. That I'm not willing to white wash the dead - I've not been bad mouthing them (only in my head), only not pretending more virtue in them than existed. My siblings barely REMEMBER (consciously) these people. I'm the only one of us who actually has any real childhood memories - any actual remembered connections. Remembered agony of seperation. I've got goddamn good reasons to not pretend people were more than they were.
Am I sad? Yes. But with 3 out of the 4 I am FAR more angry than sad.
I know it isn't good for me. I know that it is a barometre for anger that I have not dealt with. I mean, I think I've dealt with it but I am smart enough to realize that THAT all up there in this post is a good indication that I've got some serious latent volcano action in this brain somewhere. Which also pisses me off - how long do I have to be plagued by this *(*&??!!?? I'm a 32 year old married mother of three children! It makes me want to wail - LET ME GO you inner demons!!
So, if you've got the magic spell that quells the inner demons of abandonment, anger and grief can you pass it on? I've apparently found their portal.
