Afraid to have more kids..

[eilonwy]

I had a very traumatic birth experience with my son, but I love him so much! DH and I would really like to have a few more kids, but part of me is *terrified* to repeat the experience. I was wondering if there's a traumatic birth experience group on this forum or if anyone else has been through this. How did you get up the nerve to have another?

[LuvMy2Kidz]

I had what I consider a traumatic birth, although I didn't have a c-sec, I had a very severe episiotomy(4th degree) and just set my mind to having a better birth experience the second time around. I found a good midwife, had a home birth, small tear(4 stitches), drug free, and was able to spend my time with my baby without dr's or nurses hovering around me and taking th baby off to the nursery. It was the best experience of my life, my son was ther, my husband was there, my mother and sister were there, it was just wonderful You can have a better birth experience the seond time around.

[wombat]

Know what you mean by terrified! After back labor, failure to dilate.... had to have c-section. Am ABSOLUTELY terrified of having another c-section. I can handle the hospital bit but it's the long, drawn out recovery at home I can't handle. I'm gonna try again though, soon. Terror ain't gonna stop me having another baby. I try to console myself with statistics - I have a 60% chance of having a sucessful VBAC. That's pretty good I think. Just not gonna think about that 40%. I am worried though that my anxiety over this could make it hard for me to relax enough that I'll be so tense, I'll prevent my body doing it's thing.

[Evergreen]

well,I actually had a decent birth esperiance this time around, but my 1st words to dh afterward were still, "We are adopting the rest of our children!" I think if you are still upset about your birth, look into adoption or foster care. THere are many ways to have the children you desire without the birth you fear. With so many kids lacking good homes you would be a hero and a mother to them.

[owensmom]

I don't think there is a support group here per se, but perhaps under the personal growth forum you could start one? and if nobody notices it put a couple posts directing people to it in the parenting and life with a babe and vbac forums?

I know that there are a lot of women here that had a birth experience far different than what they expected.... and many are struggling to reconcile what happened. I bet they'd want to discuss it and help each other...

[Lady of Z Lake]

I had a TERRIBLE first birth experience. And, although it was completely out of my control, I vowed (while in the hospital undergoing a second surgery following my C-section) to do it again!!!

Everyone kept telling me I probably wouldn't want more kids after that, and I kept saying I did!!!!

I very much looked forward to having my second baby. I was of course anxious to see if everything would turn out OK, but I was so determined to help it go better. I just did everything I could to help my second labor/delivery go differently. And it did.

And I want a third now too!!!

[Kirsten]

Rynna,
Did your first birth happen in a hospital with a doctor? Were you induced? Did you have good (private) birth classes to prepare you or just the hospital ones? Is your dh a good coach? Do you think some things could be different or improve if you were to have another baby? Sorry to be so nosy but it is hard to give decent advice without any knowledge of what went wrong the first time around. Please feel free to tell me to MYOB if you don't want to give more info!
I hope you find some women here who can understand what you went through and help you to process it and move on so you can get pregnant without fear of the next birth.
Kirsten

[eilonwy]

I posted Eliyahu's birth story on the Personal Growth board.

To answer your questions: yes, no, but i was augmented, I went to three different birth classes (and read about half a dozen books), and DH was wonderful (at least, he was afterwards; I don't remember all that happened. ).

I never expected anything like this would happen to me; my mother had five children and a grand total of 1 hour 20 mins labor with *all* of us. My sister went to the hospital and they tried to send her home... less than half an hour before my niece was born. I was much more worried about delivering the baby in the backseat of a taxicab than I was about being in labor for days. *sigh* It just never occured to me when no woman in my mother's family has had problems like this.

[sparklemom]

the natural birth of dd2 was a healing experience from the horrible birth of dd1 (due to doctor...induced, augmented labor, 3rd degree episiotomy, throwing up during and after labor, and then being essentially knocked out minutes after her birth with phenegran to stop the vomitting...i could go on, but i won't. it was awful for me and dd1. so sad. and most sad because it didn't need to be that way!). i remember thinking that i could never go through that again. i was so traumatized. but then with the birth 20 months later of dd2 i came full circle with a wonderful natural childbirth. i went home from the hospital a couple of hours after giving birth and cuddled in bed resting with my dds.

[Kirsten]

I went to the other board and read his birth story. Sounds like you went through a lot to get your ds here.

Like you, I was surprised not to have the super quick labors that my own mom had (each of the three of us was less than two hours from start to finish). So I expected that for myself too. First labor was 20 hours with two hours of pushing - no one was more surprised than I was. Second labor was 9 1/2 hours with 14 minutes of pushing so in my experience at least, it was much shorter and easier the second time around.

I think that with all the early labor, drugs to stop that, drugs for the pain, etc., your body couldn't work the way it would naturally want to so I don't know how you could have done anything any different in that regard. I know everyone handles pain differently but for myself, I found being in bed (in any position) was much more painful (during contractions) than any upright position. I walked miles in my house between contrax - leaning against a wall or dh or sitting leaning forward on dh or sitting backward on the toilet during contrax. These positions made it much easier to deal than the few I tried lying down - figured that out quick! It just hurt so much more - or seemed to - when I was lying down.

I would think that working through your first birth with someone (your original doctor if you feel that he/she would be a good person to do that with or a midwife or someone who deals with helping women get over traumatic births) before ttc would be good. That way you are not always keeping that in your mind and worrying about a repeat. Did the doctor ever figure out why you went into premature labor? I don't know anything about it - is it just a fluke thing (which would probably not reoccur) or is it due to a tipped uterus or something specific to you (that may reoccur)?

If it were me, I would have a consultation with a midwife in a freestanding birth center and see if they would consider taking you if you decide to become pregnant again. I don't know what deems a woman high risk or not. But midwives do home VBACs so I would think that you could have a birth with a midwife if you wanted. Even if some of your previous medical issues happened again, IN GENERAL midwives are so supportive and respectful that you may not be as traumatized as you were in the hospital environment.

I feel like we moms will go through anything to have our babies but that is easy for me to say as it wasn't hard for me. I don't blame you for not wanting to sign up for another round after the first round you had. But it could likely go very well. I truly believe the Bradley classes we took allowed us to have the births we did - and having midwives was a great choice for us also. I feel that stacked the deck in my favor - of a natural birth.

I hope you come to a peace about your first birth experience and are comfortable going on to have more kids any way you want.
Kirsten

[sparklemom]

we really loved our bradley classes too!

[Gemini]

I've had a miscarriage, an infant loss to a birth defect (dd#1) and had my dd#2 9 weeks early by c-section, and finally a VBAC with dd#3. For #2 and #3 I was terrified to be pregnant. #3 I had weekly test after 24 weeks to make sure the same thing wouldn't happen like #2. I just talked to my doctor about what can we do to make sure it didn't happen again and knowing that before I ever got pregnant helped put me at great ease.

[merpk]

First birth was awful ... but second was almost perfect, and third was ... well, not perfect but not awful. And the miscarriages in between and through were also awful.

But you don't know what you're going to have tomorrow for breakfast until you have it, right?

Every one is different, and everyone is different. And every delivery is different.

Keep telling yourself that. And try and find some new midwife or doctor who suits you ...

And then do what's best for you and your family ...

[ellery]

TRAMATIC

I HAD AN AWFUL EXPERIENCE. MY SON DIED AT 2 DAYS BUT I KNEW I HAD TO BE A MOTHER. MY LABOR AND BIRTH WAS GREAT. GO INTO IT DIFFERNETLY TRY MEDITATION OR HYPNOSIS FOR PAIN ECT. GO INTO IT POSITIVE PLEASE IT IS A WONDERFUL THING. U DONT HAVE TO BE A BARBARIAN IF U NEED DRUGS IT DOENT MAKE U A BAD PERSON OR MOTHER.IF THAT WHAT IT TAKES DO IT. DO WHAT U HAVE TO MAKE IT A GREAT EZPERIENCE. GOO LUCK.

[Curious]

I was in labor for 66 hours, pushed for 10, but my biggest fear about another child is that I have insufficient ductal tissue and low milk supply. Breastfeeding Dd has a happy ending (still going at 21 months) but a difficult start and lots of grieving in the first year. I do lots of positive thinking, but chances are that I will have to supplement again if I have a second child. (I know that supply can improve with subsequent pregnancies, but I have to be realistic...and prepared).

But I absolutely will not be ruled by fear. I'm too stubborn. Sometimes I wonder if I'm thinking of TTC just to prove that I will not be ruled by fear.

I do not want my bad experiences to cause further damage by causing me to deprive myself from participating in life.