Do you ever think, 'this is a big mistake'? - Page 2

[beanma]

i think it's totally normal to worry how a second child will fit in to your family. i think all mamas do it -- how will the older sib get along with the new one, how will i ever get anything done around the house, etc, etc... i'm pg now and dd will be about 2 & 9mo when the guppie is born. it just sorta worked out that way. in some ways i would've liked to have had them closer together 'cause i'm far apart from my bro and sis in age and we're not particularly close, but, really, i think it's the kids' individual personalities that determine whether they'll be emotionally close, not the number of years between them.

for some practical tips, a mama i know who had a pretty emotionally high needs (some might say clingy) ds told me when her second was born she just put the new one in the sling and ignored him for the first 6 mo while she interacted with the older sib. of course, she didn't mean that literally, but i plan on taking that road this time around and getting some good use outta my sling! my dd is pretty attached, too. not much of an explorer right now, but she will happily play on the floor by herself now. i don't think she did when she was 15mo, though. that was a while developing. i think by the time your new one is born you may find your ds is much more independent.

also, as far as having a hard time taking a shower now, have you tried letting the tub fill up and letting ds play in the water while you bathe? up until recently that's the only way i could get myself clean.

take heart that millions of mamas and lots of attached and loving mamas here have done the two year spacing. it will all work out for all of us!

[Kirsten]

Well, I am very in love with the four year spacing of my first two but not sure if I am one of the "ax grinders" mentioned in earlier posts.... Baby #3 will be here end of the month and dd2 will be 2 and 3/4 years old then so we'll see how that spacing goes.

I think there are pros and cons to every conceivable spacing and that the personalities of the kids of course factors in a great deal. Four years apart worked well when my sister and I were growing up - and so far it has worked well for my two girls (now 6 and 2) but I can't say that closely spaced kids are destined for trouble. I would try not to let what others say worry or upset you. What's done is done and at this point I would just forget the naysayers and focus on being positive.

No matter what the spacing, I am always thrilled to hear that a child will become a big brother or sister (maybe I am an "ax grinder" on the sibling thing.... ha ha!) so congrats to you and to your dh and ds - it will all work out. I would suggest looking now for people who can help you, who you can learn to trust to play with ds - even if you are home - just to spend baby time or wash clothes or whatever. Can you join a MOMS Club? I really like mine - it is a great sanity saver. Or PEPS? That was wonderful too. Through both of these, I made some great friends and the kids (well mostly the younger one as the older one is in school during most of this stuff). If you want more info on the clubs, PM me and I'd be happy to get it to you.

Re: marriage - well, my kids were my chosen 4 years apart and poor dh didn't know what to do with the lot of us when dd2 had 24 hour colic and I went post partum... So you just never know! It will all work out just fine. Try to take time for yourself - for a haircut or a dinner out with a girlfriend. Your kids will be ok with your dh - even if they cry. I am not as AP as most here but I really think if we (as moms) are happy, the whole family is better off. I understand being in tune with your child's needs but for me, I can't mother worth a darn if I am burned out. Also try to find a way to go out to dinner or a movie with dh once a month or so. You can trade childcare with friends if a high school sitter isn't something you're comfortable with yet (though it is a wonderful thing when you get to that point!)

Good luck and don't worry!
Kirsten

[Mamasquared]

Hi All:
I'm new to the Mothering forums, and this is my first post. I'm 39 weeks and 5 days pregnant and feel compelled to respond to this as I wait for labor.

My sister and I are 3 years apart almost to the day. She was born 6 days before my 3rd birthday. I never had a problem having a younger sibling - my mom made sure that I knew I was still special. But my sister always did and still does hate being the youngest. We are now 32 and 29 and further apart than ever. My sister has wanted next to nothing to do with this pregnancy - my first.

I also don't think being three years apart was any easier for my mom. For her, the differences in our personalities and her own work and marriage situations effected her more than anything. And, her marriage has not survived - though it did survive both of our childhoods.

My partner and I want at least two kids and talk often about how close to have the second one. Based purely on her own observations and gut feelings, my partner thinks closer together is better. She is the second of 7 girls, with 18 years separating the oldest and the youngest. They have every possible age range between them, from 2 years to 5 years. When you have that many, the spacing doesn't seem to matter.

I think when it comes down to it, each family has to do what is best for the whole family and trust their instincts.

[Carolinamidwife]

Well, if it's any consolation I also wonder if I have made a huge mistake and mine will be a little better than 4.5 years apart. We had hoped for a 5.5 year space but nature had other plans! My sister and I are 5.5 years and we could not possibly be closer. We had no rivalry because we were not after the same things. On the other hand I have heard dozens of people who are all pleased with their particular spacing so I think it all just depends on the family.

I think anytime you are adding a new member to the family it is normal to feel trepidation. Change is scary but it always works out in the end!

{{{hugs}}}

Amy

[Jane]

I think that whether the spacing of two kids is a "success" has lots to do with the personallity of the kids and a little to do with the parents.
I don't think you can order up or change the personality of a child...so just have them when it works for you and what comes will come.

[Faith]

frogertgrl~

I didn't have time to read all the replys, but I just thought I would toss out my experience. My DD was born when my DS was 2 years and 9 days old. I do not think he was in any way harmed! Allthough I do completely understand being wary of the unknown!

Since he was so young, he did not have the ability (as older children would) to realize "if mommy wasn't nursing the baby, she would be able to do XYZ with me." KWIM? He was happy just to hang out doing whatever. At that age, I think he was still very accepting of things just as they were.
So it was not like he had to adjust very much, if that makes sence.

Now, since they are so close in age, it is like they are best friends most of the time. I can sit here and type happily while they play happily together. I don't know what they would do without each other!
On the other hand, when I was growing up, I had two brothers. One was two years younger than me and one was seven years younger than me. The older one and I 'grew up together.' We remember things we did and all that. All the two of us remember about the younger brother is giving him bottles and him bothering us! There was just too much of a gap. We are closer to him now that we are all adults, but back then it was a big deal.

Also, I think most women get their AF back at about 14 months postpartum. So that IMHO is nature/fate/God saying this is a good time time to get pregnant again. So, most siblings would be born about 2 years apart naturally, and I think that says something.

Of course you know this, but since you allready know the baby is coming, you might as well just try to relax and look forward to it. I don't mean to sound preachy or anything, but in my life it is the things I worry about the most that I later realize were no big deal at all.

[~*max*~]

Frogertgrl, I have to agree w/the the other mamas who posted about how great it is having kids close together. My first two children are ages 3 and 1 1/2, and I wouldn't change it for the world! They absolutely love each other & have so much fun together. It is so heartwarming to see the two of them holding hands, playing ring around the rosie, etc.

I am currently pg w/#3 - and am going throught the same feelings of trepidation that you wrote about. We planned this pg so the children would remain close in age, but now that I am feeling so horribly sick all the time it is hard to be positive. I know in my heart that we made the right decision, but sometimes my head tells me not.

Thank you for posting this. Everyone's responses have been helpful for me too.

[QueeTheBean]

Originally posted by mamaley
You know, screw what others say. Each family is so unique that I really think it's impossible for someone to correctly say that one way is best for most families.

So true! I hear all kinds of things about spacing, and I say phooey! Everything has good and bad, and nothing will be perfect. I worried to no end when I was pregnant with #2---and mine are almost 4 years apart. My older one really came through for me--they seem to know somehow. Some days are hard, but that was true when I only had one child (and when I had none, for that matter). Wait til you see them playing together and loving each other. My baby actually shakes with excitement when big brother comes in the room.

[QueeTheBean]

Oooh--forgot to say this, too.

When I was born way back in the dark ages, my folks also had an almost 1 year old, 2 year old, 3 year old, and 4 year old. That's right--for a few months, they had 5 children under the age of 4. We are now 35, 36, 37, 38, and 39 and still very close. I roomed with my #4 sister in college!

Good luck!

Having two kids is GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sometimes twice the work, but also twice the fun and love and happiness.

[delphyl]

When I read your post I couldn't help but feel empathy for what you're dealing with. I'm 13 weeks and 1 day along with #2 and my dd just turned 1 year less than a month ago. I firmly support attachment parenting but with both dh and I being in the military, I've had to compromise on more things than I care to. DD had to wean at 61/2 mos because I had to lose weight too fast and I dried up. I'm hoping I won't have to go that route again because I really feel that it had a big impact on her.

#2 is due in November and dd will be 19 mos. Personally I am both glad and apprehensive about the spacing between them. My sisters and I were all exactly four years apart and we still talk about how much we couldn't stand each other. Peace was not to be had in my childhood home until one of us left and it was me that did the leaving. I always regretted that I was never friends with my sisters and that still comes through today because it is difficult for me to make and keep female friends.

I'm glad for my children because they will have never remembered a time without each other (and I'm going to work very hard to make sure that is a good thing ) but I'm also apprehensive because of the effect it will have on me and my dh. We have demanding jobs but I'll be out of the military in 24 mos.

I'm excited about having another sweet baby and curious about the future. I just wanted to let you know that there's another Mother right there in the trenches with ya! Take care

[chocolatecheese]

I've felt the same way. 3 times!! I went from being a backpacking
hippie girl to a mother of 4 in 5 years. I have a 9 year old stepson, a 3 year old, a 2 year old, and an 8 week old But you know what, It doesn't suck. It's a hell of a lot different than living in a volkswagen, drinking newcastles for breakfast and sleeping on the beach whenever, wherever, and with whomever you want. And I think that's what I like best about it! Here is my advice. Mourn your old lifestyle, you'll miss it but would you really ever go back to it? Now get over that and go buy yourself a swing-one of those battery operated baby swings if you can. Trust me on this one. I take showers with my two toddlers while the baby sleeps in the "bouncy chair" on the floor. My husband and I go grocery shopping together-well kind of together. He takes one cart and I take another- each armed with half a grocery list and at least one kid...divide and conquer! And it won't ruin your marriage. It will, however, give you more inside jokes, more of that ability to "talk" using only your eyes : And take turns hanging out with the kids. My husband and I swap kids all of the time. You still get that one on one time. And my toddlers are the best of friends. Just give yourself a few weeks to adjust. Really, it's a lot of fun and a ton of love. You're going to be great.

[Alohamum]

I saw your message in the e-newsletter.... I have a 4 and 2 yr old, 21 mos apart, and I couldn't be happier with the spacing. I always wanted them to be close in age; they would have been abt 18 mos apart but I didn't get pregnant right away, and in retrospect I think it worked out perfectly.

Yes, it has been hard at times (and I'm still tired oftentimes), but they are great friends and take really good care of each other. Sure, they fight, but they also love each other a lot, and have from the beginning. I can only see them growing closer with age, and already they play well and entertain each other often.

I also really have to agree with everyone who has said that there is no "perfect" spacing for every family. How could there possibly be, with so many different families and so many different personalities of parents and kids? The idea that there could be one right answer for everyone is just silly!

The important thing is that you love your kids and you do the best you can with them, and you teach them to love each other and be good to each other. And then you trust in whatever higher power you believe in that everything works out for the best.

That's my two cents.... I wish you all the best....good luck!

[Mommiska]

I also just wanted to say - my first two are 19 months apart, and I LOVE that age gap. It was hard (on me!) the first year, but I don't think either of my daughters were every short-changed.

And they adore each other now (ages 3.5 years and 2 years). They ask for each other first thing in the morning and love playing together. They have their moments, but all kids do.

Child spacing is a personal thing, and there is no 'right' or 'wrong' answer, imho. I think a lot of how children react to child spacing has to do with a child's own personality - and there is no way to judge that before they are born!

I think you just have to make decision based on what is right for your own family, then love your kids a lot (and visit here for good advice!), and I have a feeling that things will turn out OK.

[Hope'smom]

I have a dd with special needs. She is 13 months. #2 baby is due this Christmas. We CHOSE to have them close together because I am 38 and will be less than a week away from 39 when #2 comes.
This is what I think of ALL books that I read now about having babies, pregnany, etc.: A LOT OF CRAP.

When you have a special needs child--everything changes. I AM afraid of having them close in age--but MORE afraid of waiting until my 40s to have another one.

I am SO sick of reading about this person's idea of "how things should be done". There is NO life handbook.
I don't know the book you are referring to, but I will be sure to AVOID it like the plague. What a joke.
If one of these so-called "parent professionals" could come to my house and help raise my dd instead of giving me their "theories" in print--I'd welcome it. Because NOTHING in any of the books applies to my child.

The same can be said for the book you have mentioned. What does it say about twins, triplets and quads??? Are they emotionally scarred for life??? WTF?

By the way---my brother and I are three yeras apart and that didn't do a damn bit of good when it came to how we were raised and the psychological damage. We do not get along, never have, and rarely speak to each other.
I am working on a PhD and my brother was in the Marines for years. How different can two kids be? And it wouldn't have mattered for two seconds how many years apart we were--we STILL wouldn't see eye to eye on anything.

Screw the books. I use mine as doorstops---AND this is coming from a PhD in education--so hold your thoughts on commenting about MY education level and the wonderful purpose of books.
People who write these books are at the mercy of publishers and the media--tell me your message won't get lost with THAT at your back.

[MamaOui]

Here's a link about concerns of having babes closley spaced.

http://216.92.20.151/discussions/sho...threadid=40425

My boys are 21 months apart and I wouldn't have it any other way. When I was pregnant w/ ds#2, I was worried about them being so closely spaced, but I think was just part of being pregnant and hoping everything would work out for the best. My ds#1 wants to pretend to type while I read posts here, so I'll come back when I can type all be myself.

[sevenkids]

I have seven kids, (as my name suggests!LOL!) spaced anywhere from 5 years (the longest) to 15 months (the closest) apart.
My first was 23 months when my 2nd was born. She was totally indifferent to the new baby until he could play with her, then she was thrilled to have a little brother. Now at 20 and 18, they are best friends.
My second was 5 when my third was born, and he was in love with his little brother for the longest time. Now he's 18 and his brother is 13, there is some tension between them, but I think it's due to being a hormonal 18 year old and a hero-worshipping 13 year old.
My 3rd and 4th (12 next month) are 19 months apart, no problems there, they're still very close and even have the same group of friends.
My 4th and 5th (8 years old now) are 3 years apart, and my 4th was a total nightmare about the new baby, was very jealous and regressed for a while, she had to use the baby bath tub, the baby's brush and comb, the baby's blankets, the baby's diapers, everything that was the baby's. The baby didn't mind sharing his stuff!
My 5th and 6th (7 years old) are 15 months apart, and that was the easiest for me. Daniel was totally enthralled with "his" baby and would lay on the bed for hours just stroking her and watching her sleep. When they nursed together, he was always holding her little hand.
My 6th and 7th (now 3, almost 4) are 3.5 years apart, and she was not happy about the new baby. Until he was born. Then she was fascinated with her baby and wanted to help change him, burp him, put him to sleep. She is still very protective of him, though she doesn't like playing with him too much.

There is no magic age for child-spacing. It is up to the individual and her individual children. Some kids are thrilled with having a new baby, some are jealous, some are indifferent.

The only thing I would suggest is if you are having babies close together is to make sure you take care of yourself and eat right, exercise and rest enough. If Mom is healthy then there's nothing she can't do. Buy paper plates, sweep under the carpet, throw everything in the closet, leave your beds unmade and say you're "airing" them, enjoy your babies.

[DaryLLL]

Well, you hardly need another opinion on this thread! I hope you have been encouraged, froger, by the life experiences of all these loving mamas!

But here I go anyway!

(sorry, I know those moving smilies make you sick! hehe! Scroll down.)


My sister an I are 15 mos apart and I used to feel sorry for kids whose sibs were 2 yrs older. How could they relate, I thought? We were and are close, in spite of being different in many ways. Now, how my parents felt about it is a different matter! I'm sure they were tired and overwhelmed, and they were only 22 and 24 (and party animals) when I was born.

I don't want to say it was just like having twins, as I have lots of acquaintances with APed twins and it is a different universe, but there is something to be said for assembly line diapering and clothes changing, feeding, bathing and napping together.

My oldest was only 27 mos when #2 came along. With a sling, #1 didn't even notice the baby much until she could crawl and get into her stuff.

#3 was 40 mos younger than #2. He is often happier hanging out with his 5 yrs older sister than with his 3 yrs older one. Again, it's personality, not sibling order or spacing.

One negative thing I did notice about having more than one child was, each subesequent baby would seem to have to cry a little more often than the only first one did, b/c I had to meet the needs of everyone and s/he would have to wait a minute or 2 sometimes. But I believe this was made up for by the benefit of having playmates, which can't be overemphasized.

Now as to how it will afffect your marriage---well, that is tough. Marriage can be tough anyway (with or without kids), as the partners grow (or refuse to grow, and just sort of--calcify)!


I know your child is more clingy than most. Raising Your Spirited Child, have you read that? I know he won't ride in the car, and you are working on this too. Count on things between you to change, as that's the one thing you can count on with kids! Try and line up help for the time when dh will be traveling. Your ds may well adore a 12 yo mother's helper when he gets just a bit older. Mine just loved the teenagers, their new games and energy!

Welcome to the new posters who made this thead their first!

[Shanghaimum]

I am the oldest in a family of seven children - my youngest sibling is only 9 years younger than me! We are the closest family I have ever met. I don't know how my parents did it, but somehow they did. We are all very close and I can remember fighting when we were younger, but because we were all so close in age, it was also like always having a team/gang of supporters behind you. All of life's challenges were not as hard, because we had a sister to go through them with.

I have a 19 month old ds and am pregnant with our second child. Baby #2 will arrive a few weeks before ds turns two. I never imagined having children far apart - I actually was feeling a bit stressed because they will be 2 years apart. I think it all comes down to perspective.

Frogertgirl and others, I agree with some of the posters. I think it is key to try and organise support. I have a mother's help who comes over a few hours a week and it really makes a difference. The other thing I would say is to just try and keep a sense of humour. My mum and dad are the type of people who have always been able to see the cup as half full. I think that is what kept them sane. My ds is also highneeds - he still doesn't sleep through the night and is definately VERy attached to me. I know I might sound 'pollyanna-like', but I do think that even though sometimes it is very hard and challenging to be a mother, just think of all the joy we now have in our lives.

Sending good thoughts to everyone

Emma

[ErinMarie75]

Not to close

My son was 26 months when his brother was born. It was really busy at 1st and there were times I wished I had waited till he was a bit older. He didn't get concepts like I have to nurse the baby so you need to wait. But he loved his brother from day one....I've never had a problem with him. Now he just turned 3 and his brother is 10 months old and i am so glad they are spaced close together. Elijah is a big help when Jonah is crying and they have a great time rolling on the floor together. You can do it! It is not the end of the world..... I survived

[mombh]

Hi there and hang in there! this is the first time I am responding I just couldn't resist!we have 6 children with #7 due in june. we have 2 ages 10 and almost 9 who are 16 months apart and analmost 31/2 yr old and 2yr old who are also 16 months apart. the oldest agirl is 15, and our other daughter is almost 7. Twice I got pregnant when baby was 7months despite exclusive bf and co-sleeping. I know it can feel overwhelming and it can get intense but the really tough and physically demanding time is temporary as they do grow and they eventually wean and sleep etc.HAving them close is very rewarding and I don't think that anybody who objects really has them so closely spaced. You just have to do and look at parenting a little more easy going. none of my kids were jealous and they formed such strong bonds. yes they do fight (all siblings do ) but they play with each other and entertain each other I don't have to worry about bored toddlers or "socialising" or run off to momy&me we have it all at home!!
once the baby gets alittle older they bathe together eat together
and we have always slept together with the baby in the crib attatched to the bed ( side car) for safety with toddler on other side. Yes they do get less one on one from parents ,but they get/learn so much from each other ! THey learn many life lessons right at home and there is always someone to share something with. A sling is very useful for baby and toddler can still be carried on back... lots of hugs are so easy to shower on toddler good luck! Gilla