difficulty with foster to adopt child

[editmom]

My 6 yr old girl who has been with us for 7 months hit, kicked and bit me tonight. I had no control over her at all. She even did it with a sort of smile on her face. I had to hold her but it wasn't what I would call attachment parenting style. After she had calmed I made her stay in the other room, about 5 feet away lying down. She has been singing about it and other struggles since we talked about kicking mommy in the face etc. She has a lot going on inside, surprise surprise. I have done adoption through foster care in past and have had over 20 foster kids.

She clearly does not want to behave poorly, but certainly is. She talked about her 3 moms, me, birth, and another foster to adopt that failed. She is in therapy with a specialist in reactive attachment disorder. We will be working on this tomorrow.

Alas the question, could I, should I have just held her and comforted her while she was striking out? I restrained her. I was surprised when she kicked me in the face. I am imagining had it been a homegrowner when they were young I would have held and sang and made sure neither of us would be hurt. However there were times when the homegrowns were out of control and sent to their rooms to have alone time. She is finally sleeping next to me, as always, in my bed. She held my hand all of the way home from where these events happened. She has apologized. I am still hurt, sad. I feel kinda silly as I am certainly not new at this. She has been very trying these past few days and that doesn't surprise me with the issues the holidays bring.

Any sage advice? Thanks.

[PiePie]

Sad but not surprising with Reactive Attachment Disorder. Really, I have heard of far worse (more violent) outbursts. I would caution you to review the rules of the agency -- I know several foster parents who have held their hand out in self-defense (in front of their face) and had the kid pulled for corporal punishment. NOT THAT I WOULD EVER CONDONE CORPORAL PUNISHMENT. I just think that the rules are tricky, most agenices under-react, and some over-react. You can get training on what is a "proper" way to restrain an out-of-control foster child. Your agency should have guidelines (and training) on this. Your local chapter of the National Foster Parents Ass'n can be a good resource on this as well. Hug.

[Sierra]

7 months seems like a reasonable time for this sort of thing to arise. Honeymoon is ending...now some of the RAD may be coming out in full force, or perhaps she is trying to figure out if you will disrupt this adoption too, or maybe she is pushing you away so she won't get hurt, etc. etc. You are experienced. You know the drill. I know you know this. I just feel like reaffirming it for you.

Yes, whatever you do, make sure you are in compliance to avoid heartache later (I'm surprised they are allowing her to be in your bed). And definitely take a class on restraining kids if you haven't already.

Having said that, I guess there are a few issues at hand. Could you have held her and comforted her and still protected your own safety? Could you have held her and remained calm enough to comfort her and affirm her feelings without lecturing her, or yelling, or striking back, or whatever? What is her background with touch? Would touching her while she is so upset be a trigger for her-- has she been harmed when in this state, etc? Are you able to talk with her about this ahead of time, maybe in therapy, and make a gameplan so she knows this is how you will respond-- that no matter what you will just hold and comfort her as long as you can be safe in doing so...but that she can cry and scream and hold you tight and do whatever else she needs to do?

I could be way off, as I am not there, but my gut from reading your post is that yeah, if you could stay safe and be calm (and assuming you could do it within compliance of regulations and in a way that wouldn't be a trigger for her) it would be very good to hold her and comfort her. It would be a tangible reminder for her that you are not abandoning her, among other things.

[editmom]

Thanks for the help with this. I am restraining in an appropriate way. She sleeps with us, has always slept with someone and agency turns it's head. RAD therapist knows. I too believe that I could have just held her. I wonder if she would have tried harder to gain control which is what a lot of kids do. She was obviously wondering if I would hit her back. She's kinda all over the map today. Yelling and screaming one minute and pretend playing the next. I quess it is best that I tell the agency what happened. I hate dealing with them. I know that I needed the break I am now having as kid is at a play date.

Thanks again.

[lauren]

Perhaps she is starting to feel closer to you and it is triggering her defenses; hence she has to begin pushing you away. Also there could be an anniversary issue this time of year (trauma, abuse, loss). Good stuff to take to therapy!

[editmom]

She is an amazing little person. Therapist talked with her about the issues and her anger at two other mommies and had her sit with me, I am glad that kiddo seems to get the whole behavior thing. She is really trying and takes the coaching from therapist and other close people well. She is in her own bed next to mine tonight as part of what she was doing last night was purposefully taking my blankets off and I would freeze. Therapist told her she should sleep in her own bed if she can't be kind. I am sure she'll be here by 4:00 a.m. She tries so hard and has been through a lot. Next time I will swaddle and sing and comfort. Thanks all. Each of my kids have been different. I have no recipe to follow.

[Sierra]

Thanks for your updates. Hope all is well tonight.

[editmom]

Tpr this month?

She may be ours legally very soon. She is loaded with questions and fear. One day at a time. She has been ours for a very long time now. Lot's of frost heaves though.