Emotional eaters wanting to stop the diet mentality and be at peace with food? - Page 9

[mothertoall]

I used to journal.....don't seem to have enough time for everything....I know I do spend a small amount on the web.....but it makes me feel connected when I don't have really anyone IRL except my family...and I can't talk to them about everything KwiM?
I would love to sit and chat with another mama who understands.....just once....but never seem to be able to find one.....

[veggiemommy]

Good morning all,

Feeling better so far today... MADE IT THROUGH LAST NIGHT without eating on the couch!! I'm very happy about that as I was feeling like after the first night, that I would just keep doing it but I only did it 3 nights and then last night I didn't again.... Not that I didn't want to, but I kept saying that I would let myself eat if I got hungry again and to try not to eat to deflate the stress etc. that I was feeling and I made it through!! Yah me!

Anyway, we had another realtor come by last night--he charges more for commission which sucks (here it's normally 6% on the first $100,000 and 3% on the rest--1/2 for each realtor but he has it set as 6% and 4%--of course he didn't mention that until the end after I was feeling sold on him... He does a lot of things that the other realtors don't (or at least didn't mention) including getting professional photos done, doing a virtual tour and printing up floor plans... he also markets a lot to out of town clients and military people that move here and that is apparently 25% of the sales here so that is good... He also priced closer to where we were thinking so that was really good too...

We are having another dilemna (beside picking the realtor) in that my husband did a full room mural in one of our kids rooms and we did a fairy themed room in the other room.... Some of the realtors have been saying to paint over it as it makes the rooms look smaller and the chance of it appealing to the person buying the house is so slim... Especially the full room mural but we *could* leave the other one if we wanted as it wasn't so "much"

This realtor last night thought that we should LEAVE the mural room and paint the other one! He thinks that it will help sell the house to the right client and we can always say that we'd be willing to paint over it for the new buyer if they didn't like it....

AAAAGH so hard to know what to do!!

Now we have to get ready to sell ASAP--from this last guys stats, the sooner the better as the spring market (the peak time to sell) has peaked out in March which is earlier than it used to--so getting our house up at the beginning of February is crucial... We also need to sell asap so obviously the sooner the better too...

Anyway, so we have some touch ups to do and I need to get some more boxes packed up and thin down the furniture some... UGH I hate this part!!

I'm seeing another realtor today so we'll see how that goes too... My dh is going to be working on the new house again today (yah!!) putting the siding up!! I can't wait to see siding on our house!!! The plumber is also supposed to show up today so hopefully that happens--I'm getting so darn impatient with all of this house stuff... breathe!! It will all be over within 2-3 months so I just need to get through this time....

GouGou--I wonder if you legalized the 'bad' foods a bit more... and perhaps actually had what you would REALLY wanted to eat (after carefully listening to your body) then perhaps you would not need too much and would feel more satisfied?? I can't help but wonder if you don't actually want peanuts all of these times but are eating them to avoid having other things and that's why you go overboard--because you're not getting what you REALLY want...

I completely agree that sleep deprivation must play a HUGE part--that is my biggest issue as all 3 of my kids often get up at least once EVERY night... ugh we really need to figure out a way to end that so we can get a full night's sleep!! I'm SURE it has a bad effect on the body and mind!!

Re: your mom--yah my mom sounds very similar--she doesn't say direct things to me about my weight but she DOES to my father (that's a whole other story-she SHOULD NOT do that either) but it's kind of implied or little things you know? And her dissatisfaction with her body has really affected how I think of my body for sure.... When I lose 'too much weight' then she negatively comments and worries that I'm not being healthy and she constantly worries about me eating healthily--perhaps that is her way of commenting about my weight....

Good lord GouGou--taking your scale when you travel ad 3 scales and to the 10th of a kilogram?!?! Good grief do you see how crazy that sounds when you read it over?? PLEASE do yourself the favor of at least getting them out of the house--they don't do ANY good--if you're anything like me, if it is a low number then you feel good but then end up eating for some strange reason (self-sabotauge? afraid of gaining it back? feeling like you deserve it?) and obviously if it's too high, it can send you to a binge as well-it's just never good and what the heck do you need to know for? It's much better to just go by how you feel, how your clothes feel etc. as really--what the heck is the number on the scale? You would be a completely different weight on the moon! There are rarely any times when you NEED to know the number and even then--an approximate would be good enough. (Like when you go skiing so they can adjust your skiis or whatever)

Anyway, I'm not good at convincing people to do or not do things but I can't stress how important it is enough and I've heard MUCH better arguements... too bad I'm not good at doing that for you guys!!

I can see what you are saying about not taking your daughter's food--I agree that is sad... however my daughter constantly tried to feed me and it's often things I don't feel like eating or when I'm not hungry... so I just let her know that I'm not hungry and that she can give me it later when I'm hungry if she likes... I think it's important for her to see me say that...

Actually, yesterday, she was asking for some yogurt--and she had just eaten a bunch of other food so I was thinking that it was possible that she might be eating out of boredom, not hunger...

So I asked her if her belly was hungry and she said yes... then I said do you want to eat yogurt or would you like to do something fun like draw or something with mommy? She then said that her belly wasn't hungry afterall and that she wanted to draw... I'm really going to have to watch this as I think that she is started to eat when she is bored--she wanted some attention from me but was eating food instead of asking for it.... DEFINITELY need to watch this...

I too felt like giving up the idea of another diet was scary... however I KNOW that I NEVER want to go back to living like that again--think about it, they NEVER work long term, because if they did--then you would NOT have issues now right?? REALLY think hard about how each diet affected you--both during and after and then ask yourself if you are willing to give them up....

I think that once we heal ourselves, we'll naturally end up our natural weight--it may not be super skinny but heck--I would be much happier being at a healthy weight that is right for my body and to be happy and healthy and not obsessive about food and setting a great example for my kids!

As far as the elimination thing goes--I honestly can't relate to that (that I know of) but it looks like other people really do so that has be doubting whether I actually can relate but don't realize it?? Hmmmm

Mothertoall--I think that journalling is great, message boards are good too as sometimes things that other people say make you realize things about yourself that you might have missed for a while... And then as far as making changes--it's probably best to take baby steps and address some of the smaller things first and then when you see how successful it can be, then you will get the courage up to do bigger things... Change is hard and takes time for sure but it's SOOO worth it. I'm a much different person than I was when I first started my journey and I'm really happy with the changes I made in sticking up for myself and not being stepped all over....

UGH my dh was just screaming at my son and my rage level feels like it's going through the roof... ugh there must be other stuff bugging me too as usually I don't get quite so worked up so fast... My permeating level of anxiety is definitely higher than in my normal life right now with all the stresses of selling and building etc. so I guess that's a huge part....

BREATHE BREATHE... ugh I just feel ill now--I wish he knew how much that affects me... I mean I've told him but he just doesn't seem to get it... or at least I'm assuming he doesn't as he continues to do it... Although I know that it's HARD to change yourself so I'm thinking that he's trying to change but finds himself caught up in the moment and yelling and then regretting it later....

My dad used to scream like that sometimes and it also terrified me... I wonder if how much it affects me is related to that somehow--feeling scared again and worried that it terrifies my children the way it did to me????

Anyway, I have to go and get ready and help get the kids ready to drop my oldest off at school... I'll check in later today--likely after the realtor comes...

Thanks again for being here ladies--be mindful today as much as you can!!

Holly

[eldadeedlit]

hi mothertoall! :

holly! way to go. it is definitely hard to get through those times when we normally eat. i think it is a common thing for mothers to eat at night, after the kids are in bed. nobody to influence badly, nobody to take my snacks! it is something i struggle with. i feel like i need a break after a long day, and i "deserve" something tasty. last night i avoided that unintentionally by falling asleep at 7:30 with the kids. but i need to work through it, i know, and not just avoid the circumstances in which i overeat.

that is so cool that you guys have murals on the wall! i think that would help sell it to a family. i dunno. i'd leave them. you *could* paint over it if the person wanted. i would keep it. jmho.

i already messed up once today, but I am going to pick up and do better! Right?? No telling myself the day is shot and totally overeating.

It is definitely one of those days where I do NOT feel good about my body. I "feel" fat today. I feel hopeless. I am still 25 lbs over my "normal" weight and I can see it. I can feel my clothes fitting poorly and cutting into me. : I have been exercising a lot more than I was, in part to lose weight, I will admit, but also to reduce stress, make my body generally healthier and stronger. Yesterday I walked/jogged on the treadmill at the gym for about 20 minutes and then did 20 minutes on the circuit (weight lifting.) Exercise does make me feel better, but I find myself getting frustrated when I step on the evil scale (Why am I not losing weight? I'm eating better. I'm exercising. What gives? I still look gross. : )

And I just found what seems like an awesome private school in the area. I am going to check it out tonight at the open house, but really, we can't afford private school. I know it is not essential. I went to a public school and loved it and did great and got into a wonderful college. But I have done a decent amount of research on educational theory in the last few years, and looking at this school...well, it looks perfect! They have acres of land, go on frequent field trips, integrate the subjects and grade levels, do gardening. It just looks fantastic!! But the cost. $8,000/yr for Kindergarten. $14,000 once you get up to high school. : I am almost afraid that we will love it, but I want to know if we do, because then maybe we can find a way to afford it. But I have to decide if it is important enough to us to spend $30,000+/year for all of our kids to go. We do live in what is considered one of the best public school districts around...way better than the one I went to as a kid. So that is good. My DH says that basically we can't afford private school for the kids until I work full time. I am currently in school, trying to get my master's to teach English. But now I hear that English teachers are a dime a dozen, and the chance of me actually getting a job is low. But this is what I want to do! I think I could be good at it! But what if I go through school, accrue all that debt...and then I am unable to get a job teaching in the area?

Anyway. These are some areas of stress in my life right now. Just had to vent. Hope that is OK.

[veggiemommy]

Of course it's okay to vent eldadeetlit--definitely vent away--you know I have been!! :0)

I can definitely see how those things are stressing you right now... pehaps it would help if you could just let it go and be up to the universe to decide what will happen with your english degree and getting a job in the area doing what you love etc... I've been leaning towards thinking that way more lately (NEVER used think like that!) and I find that thinking that what is meant to happen will happen makes things easier to deal with... Actually I should take my own advice right now huh??!?! Private vs public--honestly I haven't looked into it as I'm terrified to find out that we really should be doing private and that we can't afford to and I don't need/want the guilt! My father-in-law was a teacher and taught in both private and public and ended up being in charge of all the schools in the area and he thought that public school was better so that helps ease my mind but of course everyone has different opinions--I hope that going to the open house will help you make the right decision for you...

Eldadeedlit--I'm sorry you're having a bad body day... it is interesting that you said 'feel' fat as definitely, fat is NOT a feeling but a description of your body--there is not really a way to 'feel fat'--it is more likely that you are having other issues that you are not dealing with (that you might not even realize) and so your immediate response is to beat yourself up about your body as that way you don't have to deal what is REALLY going on.... That is what I read recently and I really believe that... I would encourage you to try to journal as much as you can today and see if you can't figure out what is at the root of your 'feeling fat' as it likely has NOTHING to do with weight or your body or your eating.... Notice your eating feels harder today too--that too is a sign of some unresolved things that are being triggered for you right now.... DEFINITELY dust yourself off and JOURNAL rather than try to limit what you eat--journal if you feel the need to eat again when you are not hungry and just write down your 'list of stressors' --ANYTHING that is on your mind today--even as small as the car needs gas-just write them ALL down, then read them over and see if there is something (or a few things) that jump out at you as being the main things and then go from there.... This REALLY helps me when I can remember to do it!!

Thanks for the congrats too--just hearing you say good for you really helps reinforce that I am doing the right thing! I too eat for the same reasons as you mentioned at night and I'm trying to not 'reward' myself in that way--there are way better things I could do for myself!

Ooops --it's time to go drop my son off at school--I better run!

Take care!
Holly

[veggiemommy]

I'm writing as I feel like eating but I'm not hungry yet...

I had a realtor that just left and she seems SOOO nice however I don't want to make a decision based on whether I would like her as a friend!! UGH!! Anyway, she hasn't told us a price yet (she's going to do some research) but she thinks that with the right price, we should be able to sell in 2-3 weeks. She LOVES our house and had remembered being in it before... I have been wondering if have someone that loves your house is going to be better for selling it... but how the heck do I know who really will do a better job?!?! AAAAAGH!!!

Definite stress levels here as I'm now confused yet again!! Each realtor that comes we have liked (apart from one that priced REALLY low that we just didn't click with either) and so it's making it REALLY hard to choose and both my dh and I are TERRIBLE with making decisions...

I wish that I could see in the future and know who to choose that would do the best for us--selling fast and for the best price possible....

I can see why I eat when I'm feeling something emotionally... right now I could *almost* mistake the feeling in my stomach as hunger--I likely would have on another day... but if I pay close attention, I realize it is anxiety or something to that effect rather than hunger... I just don't want to think about this decision and eating would make me think about something else (likely why the heck I'm eating!) rather than this hard decision....

Anyway, I'm glad you guys are here for me to run to when I can feel that I'm going to eat out of emotion and want to work through it rather than eat....

I think that I'll write a comparison for the different realtors we've met--pros and cons and go from there... That would help me right??

Anyway, I'll go do that now--hope you are having a good day!

Holly

[GouGou]

Hi Holly. Sounds like the house thing is coming together. Real estate, moving... these are tremendously stressful things to deal with. Last year we were househunting at around this time and it was horrible. It was almost as bad as dating. You see this house that you think could work for you, you make a bid, then someone outbids you. You like the next house you see, the rest of the family cautions you against it, and on and on for months. We've never sold property, but I imagine it's got a slew of other equally taxing dilemmas to contend with.

You said something about legalizing more foods. The thing is, for me peanuts and almonds and bananas and whole grains, dairy products, starchy veggies, fruits... these have been on my illegal list for the past half decade or so. These are the things that I had to give up when I started on the evil low-carb journey. Actually, these are the things that I crave. The problem is I don't know when to stop. How much is too much? I've missed these things soooo much. I'm thinking that at some point my mind and body will realize that there is an abundance of these things in my life, I never have to cut them out again, and things will balance out.

I have to say that in the past few days I've been a little giddy when I go grocery shopping. Now that everything is legal, I come home with beautiful, colorful things, aromatic grains... If it were up to me I would feed myself and my family a mostly vegetarian diet that includes dairy and occasional fish, poultry, and meat. My DH has heart desease and colorectal cancer in his family and so has been wanting us to switch to a mostly plant-based diet.

I love to cook. I love to entertain. But in the past several years I've avoided doing any of it because I didn't want the temptation of carbs (any carbs) around me. But all that is changing now. Never again will I deprive myself or my loved ones. Last night I cooked a delightful, fragrant stew of chickpeas and served it over quinoa grain. Today I'm making wheat risotto with shitakes and fennel.

Gotta go do some work now while DS naps. I'm sure I'll connect again later.

[veggiemommy]

Ooooh I see--I didn't realize that they were recently 'illegal' foods for you--so that's fabulous that you are 'legalizing' them... I know that it is common to find yourself overeating them at first as you didn't let yourself have them for SOO long (good lord--I could NEVER do the low carb diets--I'm vegetarian so it makes it extra hard so I never even tried!)... but I think that you really do need to work on just letting go and REALLY allow yourself these foods and work through making all foods equal first.... As in, work on not judging yourself for eating to many or whatever--just let yourself have what you want, when you want it and notice your reaction.... I find that when I allow myself to eat the things that I want when I'm hungry, I eat WAY less than if I still have a little piece of me thinking that I might not be able to get it again.. that I *might* go on another diet and tell myself I can't eat the food anymore... I found that it took a long time to let go of all of the years of the diet mentality and that was the hardest thing for me to break... I'm sure some people find it easier to do, but I found that really hard... once in a while it still pops up but basically I don't put restrictions on certain foods AT ALL--I really have been eating exactly what I want, when I want it for at least the last year and a half--and definitely have reduced the diet mentality thoughts around what I was doing a LOT more in the last year... It gets better all the time... Now of course I'm working on eating what it is that I want, no restrictions, but trying to listen to my body and do it when I'm hungry rather than whenever--as I eat a heck of a lot more often if I eat whenever I feel like it--they are two totally different things...

I think that I am saying a lot of this just as much for myself as for you but I really do think that really, truly, down to your soul, get RID of ANY restrictions around food (and heck I KNOW it's hard!) first and then go from there....

Oh the exercise my counsellor gave me to kick that off REALLY helped me so I'll talk about that in case it helps anyone... of course you'll likely find it scary like I did at first...

But basically you pick a day when you can really focus on yourself and your eating. Then, go shopping before that day and buy EVERYTHING that you have ever 'restricted' or thought was 'off limits' previously. ALL of those things that you crave or have craved... and buy LOTS of them...

Then basically you carry the foods around with you (or stay home!) and EVERY hour you eat something from the bag--you can choose whatever it is and eat whatever quantity you want (and don't restrict yourself -- REALLY work to let go of the diet mentality) -- so the ONLY rule is to eat something EVERY hour....

Sounds scary huh? Feel like you'll go out of control?? I know I did--I thought that I would never be able to stop eating....

Well.... my personal experience was exactly the opposite... I found that I would be eating and then thinking 'oh I have to eat in 30 minutes again' so I think I'll stop now otherwise I'll not be able to eat then... So I found that I was learning to stop as there was ALWAYS another chance to eat--I didn't have to shovel it all in now because it would suddenly disappear! It was HUGE for me as I did NOT gorge on the food all day long and I realized that the food was always there and I could have it if I wanted to, (and every hour I HAD to and sometimes didn't want to!) and it really helped put things in perspective.

We keep telling ourselves these stories about how it's the last chance to eat as tomorrow we'll diet--so we binge only to start a diet the very next day ... then restrict until we end up binging again....

Once I could let go of that menality, it was SO freeing for one, but I also just evened out--I wasn't gaining or losing weight but I was just stable for the first time in a LONG time and that alone felt good. Of course I was hoping to lose weight but my biggest fear was that I would end up ENORMOUS because I was eating what I wanted, whenever I wanted! That did NOT happen so it gave me more faith in what I was doing....

Now of course I'm at the stage where I'm trying to work with my hunger and mainly eat when I'm hungry (still whatever I want though) and when I reach for food when I'm not hungry, then I'm working to figure out what has been triggered in me, emotionally, that has me reaching for food--as I truly believe now that is what is beneath it all. (I KNOW I didn't believe that at first as I was so good at pushing down my emotions, that I didn't even know that they were there!!!)

Anyway, I do have to say that it feels FABULOUS to not have good and bad foods and to truly eat what your body feels like and not be doing the latest diet and obsessing about foor 24/7--my mind is SO much more free now and I am a much happier person... I do have my moments where I look to food--but I am now noticing them and able to take a moment and say 'can I wait' and see if I can figure out what just triggered me and work on it.. or sometimes I just eat--I'm still learning for sure and that will probably always be a part of me but I'm a LOOOOONG way from where I started....

Anyway, I don't know if hearing all that is helpful but I know that I am MUCH healthier that I was to begin with and I'm setting a MUCH healthier example for my kids now than I did before and that is huge for me too--and just writing this reminds me of how far I have really come--and that I have indeed been moving forward and this step of eating when I'm hungry and trying to side step the eating when I'm not--has been one that I've known about for a while but I guess I wasn't ready to deal with it before... I feel like I AM ready now and I'm working that part of my journey really hard right now as this is such a stressful time and I worry that if I don't, that I'll go way more steps back than I want to!

Like I said, I hope some of that is helpful for someone--to see that there is indeed a 'light' at the end of the tunnel and it's SOOOO worth the work it takes to get there... I hope that the journey is faster and easier for each of you but I know that if you persevere, you'll get there soon too!

As far as the house selling--yup--SUPER stressful and we haven't even started yet... The house we are in was our very first house so we've never sold before and are NOT looking forward to it. Picking a realtor is SOOO hard... I'm having a hard time seperating their personality from what they will do--I've REALLY clicked with all the women realtors but not really with the men at all... And the women are much more enthusiastic about our house and can tell that it will sell fast whereas the men are not... But the men (in general) seem to be more orgainzed and presented their business plans more effectively... The one man that is still a contender, charges a higher commission though and that is the hardest hurdle to get my brain over as that's more money in the realtors pockets rather than ours and heck--they seem to make a TON already! UGH!!!

Anyway, I didn't do my pros and cons list yet so I'll go and do that now and then we have follow up meeting with 2 sets of realtors on Friday I believe (when my dh can meet them) and so that will help us decide too....

I hope that everyone is doing well! How are you missingthetrees? You haven't been here for several days... I haven't found the book yet but there is more packing to be done so hopefully it will turn up... maybe you can get started with the first exercise without me and then report to the group about how it went? Maybe we can encourage you through it in that way??

Also allgirls and curlytop--are you two okay? You posted lots of great stuff to being with but not for quite a while--I hope you get a chance to come back!

Same goes for loudmama, 3happygirls, uptownzoo, bilbi, mom2avsteph -- haven't heard much from you ladies in quite a while...

And of course babygrant, livismama, mattsmominmt and cathtoria (I hope I didn't miss anyone) -- you mentioned wanted to sub but we haven't heard any more from you ladies--I hope that you post when you feel ready and that we haven't scared you away!!

Anyway, I hope that more of the lurkers out there can feel comfortable enough to start posting and work through your journey with us--I have found it HUGELY helpful to talk to others who understand and who aren't going to hint about the latest diet they are trying -- it's been very therapeutic for me and I hope that some of you can be brave and come and chat with us too--you won't regret it I think!!

!!!

Holly

[missingthetrees]

You all are amazingly supportive. Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts. Truly. Knowing that you care is what is making me type right now!

I keep lurking, but something's holding me back from posting. I haven't quite figured it out yet. I think I'm procrastinating - I'm feeling scared about the whole process - what if I fail YET AGAIN??

I'm eating at the moment - feeling anxious about the fact that I haven't heard back from a high school friend that e-mailed me...I e-mailed her back, but now she hasn't responded, and I'm feeling like I said something wrong, scared her off, was too...something. I don't know. Makes me feel like I 'did it again' (whatever 'it' is). The 'it' that makes me less of a person, not worthwhile. The 'it' that I've been doing all my life, evidently. BAH.

I also have a confession to make. Ready? I haven't quit Weight Watchers yet. I'm SO SCARED that if I quit, I will have failed AGAIN. This is, what? the 6th time I've done WW since I was 10? I've lost weight each time, so it works, right? Here I am, trying to eat what I want, just not eating emotionally, and I'm still paying the fees, even still attending the meetings. I am SO SCARED to quit. It will just reinforce what I've felt all along - can't do it, I'm not worth being thin & attractive, being confident & talented.

I've actually done quite well in spite of myself for the past couple of days - eating what I wanted (within reason), but not overeating. I even have consciously NOT eaten when I was anxious about something. I went to bed without eating that last 'treat'. Didn't need it. I feel good about these days...so what's my problem?

----aaaaargh. DS is pulling SUCH a guilt trip on me right now. "You're taking forever!" He sure pushes the right buttons. Typical of a 6 year old, probably. Ok. He's out of the room again.

I also haven't started the Geneen Roth work book yet. Scared of that, too. I appreciate your offer, Holly, to help me through it...and I may take you up on it, but I have to get past this scared feeling. I'm about in tears right now...but I can't put a finger on exactly WHAT I'm feeling to make me so whatever I'm feeling!

So. I guess I needed to post, confess, ask for your understanding, and perhaps for some encouragement. I sure hope I am able to offer you all encouragement as well - that I'm not just being a taker.

Now I MUST go make a smoothie for DS before he explodes. Uh oh. Here comes DD - she just turned 3 today. She has a scarf on her head and is saying, "mama, look at hair, look at hair." Of course, she's wearing nothing but a diaper. It snowed today (here! in the SF Bay Area!) and she's wearing a diaper. Ah, to be blissfully unaware...

Thank you for reading. Take care.

MaryBeth

[mothertoall]

hey mamas....
I want to eat the house!!!!! its 7:30 am....and ds didn't sleep for crap. We are trying night weaning as the baby literally nurses on and off and so does ds!!! I am beyond exhausted and that makes me eat.
The few things I look forward to doing are slightly colored by the fact that I am not getting enough sleep. I am trying to do better and yesterday was good till the afternoon and then it fell apart. yesterday I danced....I sang ...i enjoyed my little ones.....I did lament the fact that my 5 yo dd wAs being uncooperative....but hey....she's five. I didn't take my herbs yesterday and I am feeling it.......2yo ds is fine and dandy...up early and watching toons....the baby is still sleeping , yay! We are also giving up naps....which is hard w/ no night nursing....but seriously he was sleeping for 2 hrs in the noon and up till 11! I don't think either way is really working , and so ........I eat.
I eat because it seems like the only thing I can enjoy....or control....but I'm really not am I?
i'm tired....so tired......I want a normal night sleep......I want to eat to live .....and really LIVE! But alas I have very little energy.....and My babies need me....and if I am not a thinner healthier mama....will I ever be enough?

[GouGou]

Hi All. Mothertoall, I totally hear what you're saying. I have a similar situation with DS who, at 18 months, is still nursing pretty aggressively. I, too, get very little sleep and am tired a lot. My work is one thing that has energized and kept me going, but the college I work at is on winter break and so I haven't had access to that part of my life for over a month now. Otherwise, I, too, feel like I have nothing for just ME.

I'm trying, trying, trying so hard not to turn to dieting and body-hyperfocus as a way of escaping and coping, but some days, like today, it's really hard.

I don't know why, but I just tried on a pair of jeans that fit me and looked good a couple of months ago. Today, I couldn't even pull them all the way up, let alone zip them. I sooooo want to start restricting again. My inner critic is saying, "Giving up dieting, eh? This is what happens when you give up dieting!" I'm trying to talk back, but it's really hard today. It doesn't help that I'm feeling pretty sick. My head is really hurting (I think I strained a ligament in my neck), and one of my eyes is really red... I'm thinking pink-eye Also, I'm really sleep-deprived as my son has been sick and woke me up an inordinate number of times.

I honestly have no appetite right now.

The one good thing that I have to look forward to today is this and I will try to make the most of it. One of my really good friends from grad school is coming to interview at the place I work. She's really amazing and I haven't seen her in ages (we moved from NY to PA 3 years ago and I've progressively lost touch with many friends, but this one has stayed with me).

I gotta go for now ladies. Please keep me in your toughts today, as I can use all the good vibes I can get.

If this pain doesn't subside soon I may have to go to the ER.

Maggy

[mothertoall]

I hear ya mama! I am thinking about all of you today as I eat my chocolate chip cookie.....my son made them yesterday and YES , I ate 4! dang it.....oh well....I am doing pretty good....and well.....i resisted the temptation to eat 8! so...here I am.....and its okay......its OKAY!!!!

[veggiemommy]

Hello,

Ugh I ate again last night--on the couch, while watching tv... I KNEW I wasn't hungry--I was actually EXHAUSTED and KNEW I was exhausted but I felt like I should stay awake and get my relaxing time in front of the tv as I 'deserved' it... And then I ended up eating. UGH and then I felt sick and ended up going to bed early anyway as I felt yucky... What a horrible way to end the day that went well otherwise--ugh I wish I would stop doing that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know I was tired but I'm trying just to journal for a moment here and see if there was anything else that was having me turn to food... I know that I'm really feeling stressed about picking a realtor--I'm REALLY having a hard time figuring out who is the right one when they are SO different and have different views on what should be done...

And I feel wretched just thinking about telling 4 out of the 5 that we have seen that we don't want to use them.... 3 of them I would feel especially bad as they feel like friends already (so emotionally it just feels harder)

AAAAAGH!!!! I did the pros and cons list but I'm still SO confused!! We'll be meeting with 2 realtors again tomorrow and Saturday as they present what they think our house should sell for and meet my dh as well and then we'll be deciding after that... I wish I could see into the future and know which one would be able to do the best job for us as they all have different strategies it seems and I can't see what to do!!!

Ugh I hate making big decisions like this but hopefully once we decide, then I'll at least know what we're doing and be able to move forward and be more confident about it....

Mothertoall - sleep is SUCH an issue here too--luckily my kiddos don't nurse in the night anymore--that is SO draining... however it seems that all 3 of them get up at LEAST once a night each EVERY night--ugh it's just SOOO exhausting yet it just keeps happening and then we don't really realize the effect that it is having on us...

I'm struggling with my youngest one and naps too as he's having long naps and staying up really late at night as well--which is REALLY bad for me as then I feel like I NEVER get a break.... Maybe I'll have to start working on the nap schedule - maybe later naps so that he doesn't get a chance to sleep as long...

Missingthetrees--yay! I'm so glad that you posted!!

As far as the email--oh my goodness honey, PLEASE try not to take it so personally!!! There are a zillion reasons why that person hasn't written back yet--and the chances of it being the reason that YOU think it is, are almost nil!!! A lot of people don't go on the computer very often so that could be why or computers break, people get too busy, emails get lost/put in the spam folder/deleted by mistake/missed... There are SO many other reasons for this person to not have written back... If you are really feeling concerned, then just send them an email and just ASK them if they are okay and ask if they received the email just so that you will know--and then they will most likely write back and apologize for not getting back to you earlier and explain what is going on for them.... PLEASE try to not take things personally--I'm working on that one myself and could see myself in you and not taking things personally is a HUGE help in getting through daily life which is why I wanted to share that with you....

Quitting Weight Watchers will NOT confirm all of those things that you are saying it will confirm... Can you look at it as confirming that you are DONE with dieting and deprivation and that you want a HEALTHY relationship with food INSTEAD of the alternative that never works for a lifetime anyway??

I know what you mean about being scared... I find some of this process scary too--especially when I get myself thinking that I can NEVER comfort eat again....But that is NOT true--people that have a healthy relationship with food eat for comfort on occasion as well--they just don't do it ALL the time... It's NOT all or nothing--but getting through our other issues so that food is no longer an issue...

Michelle Morand (one of the counsellors that I have seen in my city--and owner of the Cedric Centre - and new author -- was interviewed for the upcoming healthy show here so I just wanted to quote a little bit of what she said for everyone:

"Food is not the problem. Deal with what is. It's based on the philosophy that we use with our clients. In essence, recognizing that overeating, or restriction or purging, those primary coping strategies around food, really aren't about food. They're about some underlying triggers or issues going on for someone and they're so overwhelmed they really don't know any other way to cope or deal with the feeling they're having than to numb out in that way. If the underlying issues aren't attended to, then it's unreasonable to expect yourself to be doing anything other than overeat, or restrict or purge. A more successful new year's resolution would be I'm going to find out why I do what I do with food and I'm going to heal that. Then the issue around food just ceases to exist, we don't need it anymore."

Hopefully that helps some of you.... Gotta run--dh is yelling at the kids again.

Holly

[femme_rouge]

Pep talk to myself.

This journey is hard. It challenges everything we are told in our society. We (especially women) are told not to trust our unhealthy desires. We shouldn't trust ourselves to make good choices about our bodies, our mates (choosing"bad" boys), our sexual desires, our desire to take care of ourselves sometimes (selfish, selfish). This philosophy is very scary for me at least because the underlining principle is: If you are completely free and left to your own devices, you will make good positive choices. You will take care of yourself, inside and out. You don't need to punish, restrict, keep foods you have no control over out of your glutinous hands, or "pull yourself up by the bootstraps" and just "get over it". I doubt there are very many women who are able to really believe and embody this.

So, yes. It goes against everything we believe about ourselves, and it IS SO SCARY. But I believe it. I want to believe this is true for me, for my daughter and for my granddaughters. What better gift can we give ourselves than to completely trust ourselves.

[GouGou]

Femme Rouge... Beautifully stated!

In our culture (and I suspect in others as well) feminine beauty is always talked about in terms of "control". We must control our weight, our body hair growth, the shape of our eyebrows, the texture or our hair (I, for one, have absolutely refused to do the hair straightening thing that has been in style for the past few years). And did I mention... by all means, we should control our weight and body shape.

It's interesting that Westerners see the veiling customs that some Eastern cultures impose on their women as oppressive and backwards. Is the requirement of being thin or "in shape" any less oppressive?

[femme_rouge]

Originally Posted by GouGou

Femme Rouge... Beautifully stated!

In our culture (and I suspect in others as well) feminine beauty is always talked about in terms of "control". We must control our weight, our body hair growth, the shape of our eyebrows, the texture or our hair (I, for one, have absolutely refused to do the hair straightening thing that has been in style for the past few years). And did I mention... by all means, we should control our weight and body shape.

It's interesting that Westerners see the veiling customs that some Eastern cultures impose on their women as oppressive and backwards. Is the requirement of being thin or "in shape" any less oppressive?

Holly, i really appreciate you writing out your journey so far. It is so helpful to me. I do need to see what the process looks like for someone else, and FWIW I believe 1 1/2 years is nothing. At least for me. Remember back to my OP. This started at 1 yo for me. I am 33 now. In perspective, 1 1/2 years sounds quite reasonable. Of course, I'd love to see overnight, magic pill results...but I know better.

I've been able to let myself eat whatever I want on and off for about 10 years, but through the wisdom of these posts I realized what I have never truly done is [I]legalize[I] all foods. I now know I was letting myself eat anything...even the [I]bad[I] foods. Whoops. But the silver lining is that I now know my next step. All foods are equal. It makes sense I need to believe this before moving on. I seem to remember one of Geneen Roth's books. She was saying during this step she ate nothing but cookie dough for weeks . I might not be remembering this correctly...it's been awhile. I wonder what my cookie dough really is?

Gotta go

christina

[femme_rouge]

Quick question about legalizing foods. I perceive certain foods as poisonous such as trans fats..so this belief does limit my choices. What do you wise women think?

[veggiemommy]

Hello...
Feeling exhausted and drained here again... this house selling preparation is really overwhelming me now--I'm feeling very all or nothing--like I can't get it all done so I don't know where the heck to even start....

I sorted through my kids clothes and consolidated 3 dressers into 2 so we can get one out of here to make the room look bigger... I also weeded out clothing that was too small... Then I moved the dressers around... but man I'm SOOO exhausted now that I feel like I can't do anymore and I'm feeling like we'll never get it all done on time--especially if I can't be helping a LOT if I'm feeling like this instead of working on it....

AAAAAAAgh!!!

My body is sore too--my back is really hurting and another realtor is coming this afternoon, another tomorrow night and the third will be calling soon to book a time and ugh!!

Then a close friend called me to ask how much we are selling for and she's going to go and see a mortgage broker to see if she can buy it!! Of course she'll probably NOT buy it but I feel like I don't want to sign on with a realtor until I know just in case.... And then I have another friend that was interested too (before we knew what kind of price it would be) but she's on vacation in some hot sunny place right now so I can't get a hold of her....

I'll be sure to ask the realtor that we choose what will happen if either of these people decide that they want to buy--as I DON'T want to pay realtor fees (Or at least not the full ones) if my friend buys my house!!!!!!!!!

Anyway...everything that you said there femme_rouge is SOO true--it's really sad isn't it--the way we as women treat ourselves and each other and allow others to treat us... And VERY interesting what GouGou said about eastern cultures--I completely agree with that too--that is really shocking when you think about it that way...

I'm so glad that some of what I have written has helped you femme_rouge... I'm sure the journey is different for every person and I know I'm not done (I WISH!) - perhaps I'm a slow learner (or implementer!) as I've heard of others 'healing' faster than me... I actually started getting help after my daughter was born--so more like 3 or so years ago.... But I was SO far gone that I couldn't see MANY of the things that I see so clearly now--you ladies seem to 'get' a lot of it already whereas it took me a long time to get there... I also had counselling on and off since then--I suppose if I was more consistent (had more $$ to keep going!) then perhaps my results would have been better??

Anyway, glad it helps a little and being here has definitely been helping me even though I'm still frustrated often - I'm defintely still learning and trying to do the best for myself (I agree-SO hard to do that without thinking that I'm being selfish--that's a HUGE hurdle for me to get over it seems--why should I be feeling guilty or selfish for doing self-care??)

Anyway, I think I'm going to go and veg on the couch... hopefully with no food... and watch the rest of the show I taped last night when I went to bed early... Hopefully I'll either get a little nap or at least feel rested enough to get up and get more of this packing/reorganizing done before I have to pick up my son from school!!

Take care!
Holly

[veggiemommy]

Oh I realized I didn't answer your last question femme_rouge--I too try to avoid trans fats--and MANY things come without them now which is good... but if I really want something that has trans fats then I'll let myself have it occassionally...

That is because I don't want to then not eat ANY foods that aren't SUPER healthy--I worry that it will then have me saying a ton of foods aren't healthy for me and I'll end up with lots of bad foods again which in my mind defeats the purpose...

Anyway, that's what I do... HTH!
HOl

[veggiemommy]

Where is everyone?!?!

Ugh I can't sleep--it's 2:20am and all 3 kiddos have been up and are REALLY upset that I want them to sleep in their rooms so I can get some sleep.... My dh ended up yelling so I had to stop that and smooth things over and so I got worked up because I hate when he yells and now I'm wide awake--I've been trying to get back to sleep for about an hour but was just lying there stressing about selling our house etc....

I talked to our builder yesterday and it looks like our house is delayed yet again. : It'll definitely be at least April until it's ready.... And I'm still having a hell of a time picking a realtor... I'm feeling REALLY overwhelmed with trying to get our house ready and some things packed up etc. and my dh is working on the new house so I'm doing a lot of it on my own and I'm just so damn exhausted. I REALLY wanted to get a good night's sleep tonight as I was hoping that then I would have enough energy to get more done today but now I'm left with even less sleep than usual... Please tell me that it will get better--I hate telling my kids that they can't come and cuddle with us but I'm so sleep deprived - I just can't keep doing it--having 3 kiddos interrupting our sleep--one at a time--all night long.

Ugh I just feel like crying but can't... Did anyone watch Grey's Anatomy last night? I was bawling through the whole show--obviously I needed to cry--I mean it was sad but really.... I'm just so damn overwhelmed right now and I hate feeling this way... I'm trying not to cover up my feelings but ugh I'm NOT used to doing that and dealing with them--I don't even know how to deal with them... And of course I ate food on the couch last night--wasn't hungry--but I'm so damn overwhelmed and I'm so angry with myself for doing it yet again--I just want to be better already.... Why does everything have to be so hard??

Ugh I'm crying now... maybe that's a good thing--I probably need a good cry right? I RARELY ever cry--have covered up that emotion for a long time and my dh has learned (mostly from me doing it to him for so many years) to tell me to breathe and just basically just not feel my emotions but now I know how unhealthy that is and he can't seem to see that.... I'm so fricken disppointed about him not having any benefits at his job as that just adds another level of stress--and also that the benefits that we *could* pay for are SOO horrible and we need to go to the dentist and eye doctor and I need new contacts and I really wanted to go to counselling.... I feel like counselling would be SO helpful to me right now--I really NEED it right now...

I think I'll try to contact them and see if I can go now and pay when my house is done or something... Although there is NO time... Ugh I'm just so overwhelmed -- I wish someone was willing to help take my kids so I can get some stuff done... My mom will only ever take 1 kid at a time and she's usually too busy and has surgery on her hand later this month so she won't be able to help for 6 weeks after that--and that's when I'll be really needing her so that SUCKS. Oh man I'm sorry for venting so much - I hope I don't bring anyone else down but man--it's not like I can phone and talk to anyone at 2:30 in the morning!!

I was hoping to go for a run this morning because the sidewalks are starting to look clear enough and now I'll be too damn tired. : But I know that I'll feel better if I go.... I wish I could sleep...................

I hope you ladies are doing better--hopefully I'll be able to get back to sleep soon and things will look better in the am. Hopefully letting this all out right now will help rather than holding it all in even longer..........

Holly

[veggiemommy]

Hello again,
It's an hour later and I just wanted to let you know that I'm feeling a bit better already-had a good cry (REALLY needed that!) and I wrote an email to my counsellor, asking for help and seeing if I can pay for the counselling once our house is done...

I then went to the Cedric Centre (where I've had counselling) Blog http://www.compulsiveeating.com/blog/ and the Jan 15th ask the counsellor question really helped me--just reading it, it helped me feel better as I feel like I have definitely been able to see myself thinking about eating when I'm not hungry but not being able to stop myself many of the times... so I've written down what to look for (the all or nothing thinking) and how to work through that so that hopefully I can do that tomorrow when I need to....

I wrote down all of the all or nothing thinking that I have rattling around in my brain right now--and as I was writing it down, I could see how ridiculous it all sounded but obviously it was in there so it felt good just to write it down....

Anyway, hopefully I'll be able to get back to sleep now--take care ladies--I'll talk to you in the am!
Holly