Domestic vs. International Adoption

[JWSJ]

My wife and I would like to adopt a healthy toddler or slightly older child in a year or two.

We've investigated international adoption. Seems expensive but most couples have good things to say.

We're not planning on becoming foster parents. Domestic adoptions seem more complicated and stressful. I've been advised by numerous couples to avoid domestic adoption due to too many unknowns (expenses, birth mother stability, and guarantee of adoption completion). At least two couples we have met have been "burned" by the domestic adoption process - they spend dollars and the birth mother changed her mind in the end (or flatly lied).

What factors were important to you when you were deciding on your adoption process? What decisions would you make differently now (after the process)?

[m9m9m9]

For me, I choose international adoption bc I am single and for the "sure thing" factor.

As you mentioned, domestic adoptions can end when the mom decides to parent. In international adoption, in many countries the children have already been relinquished or parental rights terminated.

I have heard/read of very few toddler adoptions that did not go through the foster care system (at least at some point) and were private adoptions (except for disruptions of current adoptions). Also, I have learned the term "healthy toddler" is relative whereas the child may be physically healthy but have development or emotional delays. That type of information will probably be more readily available in a domestic adoption than in an international adoption where medical terms do not always translate well.

Maggie

[lauren]

You might find this thread of interest.
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...+international

There have also been a lot of domestic vs. international inquiry threads if you do a search--many of them start with 'where to begin' or 'how to start adoption process' etc.

Also check out the adoption resources sticky.

[Laurel]

I agree that toddler/older child adoptions are less common with private/domestic adoption. Most birthparents who are going to place are going to do so early on. Though this is not always the case.

Both of my children were adopted domestically as newborns, and for us the process has been relatively simple each time. With my first child, we did have to wait quite a long time to be matched. There were legal issues with terminating his birthfather's rights, but it all worked out. With my second child, there were no legal issues and everything proceeded extremely smoothly. We did have one failed match a year before our dd came, and yes it was hard, but not the end of the world.

I don't think it's true that domestic adoptions are always more complicated and stressful than international. I have a friend who has adopted three children domestically and things went extremely smoothly each time. Now she is trying to adopt from China and there has been headache after headache. She just barely made the comment that for her, the international adoption has been far, far, far more difficult, stressful, and complicated than the other three combined.

We chose domestic partly because we wanted the newborn experience, but also because we wanted the openness. We wanted to have a relationship with our child's birthmother and birthfamily. Ironically, we have only yearly contact with ds's birthmom at her request, and virtually no contact with dd's birthmom, also at her request. (We write to her, but she isn't choosing to get the letters, and she isn't writing back.)

I don't know if we'd do anything differently in the future. We're comfortable with domestic adoption. Even the risks involved are familiar to us. We know we could handle a failed match again. We're familiar and comfortable with the whole process and the way things work. I sometimes toy with the idea of adopting from China. Maybe we will someday....but it seems so far out of our comfort zone (speaking of the paperwork/processtraveling more than anything).

[dinade]

We chose international after being on a waiting list for a long time. We also chose because after many many miscarriages I just didn't think that I could handle the possibility of the parent changing their mind. Psychologically after all we had been through I just didn't wantto add one more thing. We got our baby girl from Korea at 4 mos but you can get toddlers referred too. By the time youd bring them home they'd be around 15mos or older. We were very pleased with Korea as things just went smoothly and seemed right. I pray you find your child wherever they may be.

[oneotamama]

subbing

[EFmom]

We chose international because of the relative straightforward nature of the program. I was uncomfortable with certain procedural aspects of domestic adoptions, and also had friends who had been burned with domestic adoptions when birthmothers changed their minds. One couple had it happen twice. In my county, it is unlikely that we would have been able to do a foster/adopt situation.

We adopted twice from China, and I wouldn't do anything differently. My kids are now 9 and 6.