oh, mamas. forgive me, but I have a serious rant coming up...
How did I end up with so much going on?! How did this happen? And all the while, not much is happening at all. Because I'm lazy. Seriously, pathologically lazy.
For the past two months I've procrastinated making one single phone call. A simple cold call to a former tribal governor who might- might- be able to help me with my research. So stupid. So i just called the number I had, and the machine answered using the dumb automated reply, which doesn't tell who if you've even called the correct number. So here I am, leaving a message on a machine that may or may not connect me to the person I wish to speak with, and I leave the stupidest, most cryptic message I think I've ever left. in my life. And that includes stupid crush messages I might have left at homes of boycrushes when I was 14. It was that bad.
And I am a year and a half from graduating and I still haven't made ANY progress on my dissertation. completely unresolveable.
And I'm pregnant! I'm sick :Puke and exhausted all day long and the only thing I am sure to accomplish is eating every two hours and taking a nap after (first) lunch every day. No work on the dissertation. none. Lots of internet time, but nothing on the dissertation.
I feel like such a failure. What was I thinking, getting knocked up? How stupid was that? How am I ever going to graduate on time?
We moved in here, but I still haven't been able to unpack my office, which makes it especially difficult to settle in a work, you know? But I realize that's an excuse, and I hate to make excuses, but I need a den in which I can relax and work, not the kitchen table, or worse- the coffee table in the living room.
And on top of it all, sweets isn't happy with the lentil's day care. Granted- they only have daycare four out of five days a week and that's starting to get on our nerves. The lentil's best friend is moving to a different daycare, and at first we thought it would be a good idea for us to do the same. But I don't want to move! It's a great school, the teachers are great, and the lentil loves it. He's learning so much! Sweets hates the drive, and the administration drives us both batty, but those aren't great reasons to totally uproot the lentil. No matter, really. We visited a school this morning, and while it was a fine school, it wasn't any better than our current school, and it even had a few knocks against it. So now, in the middle of feeling sick and gross and SO down on myself, I'm supposed to care enough to call a million montessori schools to try to find a better place for the lentil.
I want it all. I seem to think I can have it all. But something inside me is stopping me from doing what I can do to have it all. sigh. I'm so frustrated with me. This isn't about parenting at all, it's about balance and I'm so out of balance it's no wonder all my spending money goes to acupuncture and chiropractic appointments. gah!
Okay, I hope that's the end of my long and useless vent. time to go pick up the lentil.