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Update on Hawaii Trip - Page 3

post #41 of 167
It's unfortunate that the economic situation will make it exceedingly unlikely that MSIL will ever have to have a week of living/parenting CSIL's style during a family get-together on her turf (even though I think I lean to the "team msil" side a bit).

I'm not so sure the "rules conflict" stemmed from the undermining of csil's parenting style, but perhaps from csil's separation anxiety instead.
post #42 of 167
Maya44, I just wanted to comment it is great that your different parenting philosophies do not prevent your kids from developing a close and affectionate bond with their cousins. I imagine for some of the parents these get-togethers must be stressful, at times at least, but, it is great that they all do come and do their best - it really sounds like they were all doing what best they could, honestly!!! - to respect the other parents.... I wish I could organize a nice get-together for my extended family, we are scattered and we simply do not have enough space anywhere. Thanks for sharing this story!
post #43 of 167
Quote:
Originally Posted by monkey's mom View Post
I don't get how she was a pill. How would you react to someone undermining your parenting philosophies, just b/c they thought they knew better--and they were in a position to do so?
by the time kids are as old as the CSILs kids I feel they can learn about "different rules for different families".

If she was asked not to breastfeed her kids or to let them cry it out that would be very different.
post #44 of 167
Quote:
Originally Posted by marybethorama View Post
by the time kids are as old as the CSILs kids I feel they can learn about "different rules for different families".

If she was asked not to breastfeed her kids or to let them cry it out that would be very different.
What if she was giving alcohol to a devoutly baptist family?

What if she told the teenagers they could stay out until the wee hours of the morning and that their mother's curfew no longer applied?

But, hey, the kids had fun!

It's not her call. They are her nieces, not her children. She can parent *her* kids any way she pleases. And the same curtesy should apply to CSIL.
post #45 of 167
Quote:
Originally Posted by monkey's mom View Post
What if she was giving alcohol to a devoutly baptist family?

What if she told the teenagers they could stay out until the wee hours of the morning and that their mother's curfew no longer applied?

But, hey, the kids had fun!

It's not her call. They are her nieces, not her children. She can parent *her* kids any way she pleases. And the same curtesy should apply to CSIL.
Since she did none of these things above, I don't see it as relevant. MSIL sent an email months before the trip outlining her house rules. There were no surprises as far as I can see.

Maybe CSIL should have stayed home and sent her husband by himself.
post #46 of 167
Quote:
Originally Posted by monkey's mom View Post
What if she was giving alcohol to a devoutly baptist family?

What if she told the teenagers they could stay out until the wee hours of the morning and that their mother's curfew no longer applied?

But, hey, the kids had fun!

It's not her call. They are her nieces, not her children. She can parent *her* kids any way she pleases. And the same curtesy should apply to CSIL.

Yes, but she must also follow house rules. And giving alcohol to a family versus food is not the same. If she had been asked to eat non-kosher foods then you could compare the two.

And the only thing in regards to undermining her "parenting" was helping clean up. Sorry, this also does not compare to allowing them out past curfew.

The party was in the same house and to say this is a parenting issue is silly because in implies that CSIL's parenting rule is that she is NEVER in different rooms of the house without her kids for more than a few minutes.
post #47 of 167
Quote:
Originally Posted by monkey's mom View Post
What if she was giving alcohol to a devoutly baptist family?

What if she told the teenagers they could stay out until the wee hours of the morning and that their mother's curfew no longer applied?

But, hey, the kids had fun!

It's not her call. They are her nieces, not her children. She can parent *her* kids any way she pleases. And the same curtesy should apply to CSIL.
With all due respect, your analogy is sorta ludicrous. Giving alcohol is children is illegal.

Asking children to clean up after themselves or eat a balanced meal isn't.......
post #48 of 167
Quote:
What if she was giving alcohol to a devoutly baptist family?

What if she told the teenagers they could stay out until the wee hours of the morning and that their mother's curfew no longer applied?

But, hey, the kids had fun!

yup I also think this is ridiculous.... Lets see...Csil's children went...had fun...actually tried the new foods(without force), enjoyed time away from their mom at the sleepover, obviously its not csil's children that had problems with the rules but its CSIL who couldn't take it. Nothing msil did was out of line...all the kids had fun...no suffering...no starving.... Team msil wins this time.
post #49 of 167
Quote:
Originally Posted by Godaime View Post
Team msil wins this time.



NEW SIGGY!!!

I called it first
post #50 of 167
The point is is that CSIL's parenting philosophies (no tv, no sodas, no extended time away from her kids) were NOT respected. Whatever one thinks about those philosophies (and on most of them I am with MSIL), it's not some else's place to try to step in and say, "Your parenting philosophies are whack. My way is better and I'm going to show your kids how."

How cool do think things are at CSIL's house right now? "But we got to watch Drake and Josh at MSIL's! Puh-lease mom." "Why can't we have soda? We did at MSIL's?!"

That's just crappy and disrespectful in my book.

MSIL knows CSIL's values and disagrees with them and is working her best to impose her own. That crosses a serious boundary as far as I'm concerned.

And if CSIL had MSIL to her house and told her kids that they didn't have to do chores even if their mom said, or didn't stay at the table after dinner, or whatever MSIL's parenting philosophies are, then that's equally messed up in my book.

eta: I think the party thing is a parenting thing and a control thing. Who makes parties mandatory for other adults? Seriously...whackjob. Control freak. Needs help with healthy boundaries.
post #51 of 167
Quote:
Originally Posted by monkey's mom View Post
The point is is that CSIL's parenting philosophies (no tv, no sodas, no extended time away from her kids) were NOT respected. Whatever one thinks about those philosophies (and on most of them I am with MSIL), it's not some else's place to try to step in and say, "Your parenting philosophies are whack. My way is better and I'm going to show your kids how."

How cool do think things are at CSIL's house right now? "But we got to watch Drake and Josh at MSIL's! Puh-lease mom." "Why can't we have soda? We did at MSIL's?!"

That's just crappy and disrespectful in my book.

MSIL knows CSIL's values and disagrees with them and is working her best to impose her own. That crosses a serious boundary as far as I'm concerned.

And if CSIL had MSIL to her house and told her kids that they didn't have to do chores even if their mom said, or didn't stay at the table after dinner, or whatever MSIL's parenting philosophies are, then that's equally messed up in my book.

eta: I think the party thing is a parenting thing and a control thing. Who makes parties mandatory for other adults? Seriously...whackjob. Control freak. Needs help with healthy boundaries.

:

What kind of choice is that- to go but sell out or not go and miss out seeing family so far away. It doesn't pass the smell taste.
post #52 of 167
[quote=monkey's mom;6921012]The point is is that CSIL's parenting philosophies (no tv, no sodas, no extended time away from her kids) were NOT respected. Whatever one thinks about those philosophies (and on most of them I am with MSIL), it's not some else's place to try to step in and say, "Your parenting philosophies are whack. My way is better and I'm going to show your kids how."

How cool do think things are at CSIL's house right now? "But we got to watch Drake and Josh at MSIL's! Puh-lease mom." "Why can't we have soda? We did at MSIL's?!"

That's just crappy and disrespectful in my book.

MSIL knows CSIL's values and disagrees with them and is working her best to impose her own. That crosses a serious boundary as far as I'm concerned.

And if CSIL had MSIL to her house and told her kids that they didn't have to do chores even if their mom said, or didn't stay at the table after dinner, or whatever MSIL's parenting philosophies are, then that's equally messed up in my book.

eta: I think the party thing is a parenting thing and a control thing. Who makes parties mandatory for other adults? Seriously...whackjob. Control freak. Needs help with healthy boundaries.[/quote


OK...the soda thing. She didn't have to let them get soda. They were out to dinner. Is it more fair for no one to get soda? This seems sooo minor to me! Most 8 year old can grasp the concept of something being different on vacation than it is at home.

Same goes for TV...should all the kids not be able to watch TV for the whole time since CSIL kids don't watch at home. She could have had other activities for her kids to do, or again, said different rules while on vacation.

Forced seperation...the kids are * and WANTED to be there...these are not newborns or toddlers being torn from their mothers breast.
post #53 of 167
I absolutely don't think MSIL's kids should have to forego things b/c CSIL prohibits them.

But it doesn't go both ways.

Why should CSIL's kids have to do chores just b/c MSIL's kids have to?

It's easy to say, "Well, it's just soda or TV or bedtime or chores...." when these aren't your values. For whatever reason, these are CSIL's values. These are the lessons she is trying to instill in her kids. It's her call. She's not abusing them. It's not what I would do. It's not what you would do. It's not what MSIL would do. But it's not up to any of us to impose what WE would do on HER kids.
post #54 of 167
Quote:
Originally Posted by monkey's mom View Post
The point is is that CSIL's parenting philosophies (no tv, no sodas, no extended time away from her kids) were NOT respected. Whatever one thinks about those philosophies (and on most of them I am with MSIL), it's not some else's place to try to step in and say, "Your parenting philosophies are whack. My way is better and I'm going to show your kids how."

How cool do think things are at CSIL's house right now? "But we got to watch Drake and Josh at MSIL's! Puh-lease mom." "Why can't we have soda? We did at MSIL's?!"

That's just crappy and disrespectful in my book.

MSIL knows CSIL's values and disagrees with them and is working her best to impose her own. That crosses a serious boundary as far as I'm concerned.

And if CSIL had MSIL to her house and told her kids that they didn't have to do chores even if their mom said, or didn't stay at the table after dinner, or whatever MSIL's parenting philosophies are, then that's equally messed up in my book.

eta: I think the party thing is a parenting thing and a control thing. Who makes parties mandatory for other adults? Seriously...whackjob. Control freak. Needs help with healthy boundaries.

her children were NOT given sodas. Everyone around them had sodas. That is going to happen EVERYWHERE in life.

The tv rule was that MSIL was not going to turn off the tv just because her children were there. They didn't have to watch but no one else was going to have to forgo just for the sake of CSIL's children. Which is what CSIL demanded in years past in someone else's house.

And unless Maya can tell us that CSIL had NEVER spent time away from her children in another room of the house for a few hours then the party thing was a no brainer. It was an adult's party and not in CSIL's house so it wasn't her right to break the rules as she had in years past. She is the one that made it a control issue years ago and MSIL had finally had enough and took some control back.
post #55 of 167
Quote:
Originally Posted by mahrphkjh View Post
her children were NOT given sodas. Everyone around them had sodas. That is going to happen EVERYWHERE in life.

The tv rule was that MSIL was not going to turn off the tv just because her children were there. They didn't have to watch but no one else was going to have to forgo just for the sake of CSIL's children. Which is what CSIL demanded in years past in someone else's house.

And unless Maya can tell us that CSIL had NEVER spent time away from her children in another room of the house for a few hours then the party thing was a no brainer. It was an adult's party and not in CSIL's house so it wasn't her right to break the rules as she had in years past. She is the one that made it a control issue years ago and MSIL had finally had enough and took some control back.
No they weren't given sodas. And I agree completely about that. But the pbj thing and the effort MSIL puts into getting her nieces to eat other food is outside of her jurisdiction, imo.

TV rule--totally understandable. But, CSIL made the concession and didn't say anything (that we know.) And that's why I was asking before why she was being a "pill" during this visit--b/c it seemed to me that she sucked up a lot of stuff she had issues with.

Re. the party--fine to say no kids. Saying adults must attend? Bizarre. And again, it makes me think that for MSIL it is more about imposing her belief system on CSIL and her kids than it is about keeping a party a certain way or making sure everyone is having a good time or being a good hostess.

The whole thing reeks of control and arrogance to me.
post #56 of 167
The bottom line is that CSIL knew the deal before going. If she didn't want to follow the rules of the house for the vacation at MSIL, she didnt have to go or let her kids go.

I applaud the MSIL for standing her ground and putting the rules out there to begin with. Control freak or not. The CSIL sounds just as control freakish (not to mention a few other things) as the MSIL to me, if not worse. She sounds like she gives into her kids too much, has some unhealthy attachment issues with them, and tends to be up their booty cracks. CSIL chose to take her kids. Evidently the vacation was more important to her than he so called parenting values.
post #57 of 167
But, she did follow the rules. And so did her kids, right?

But, people are still saying she's being a "pill" about it. And my point is how many concessions is one parent supposed to make to please another family member and be 100% chipper and grateful about it?

Regardless of what you think about her values, she gave in to a lot of things. And instead of being grateful, MSIL was smug that she got the result she wanted.
post #58 of 167
Quote:
Originally Posted by monkey's mom View Post
It's easy to say, "Well, it's just soda or TV or bedtime or chores...." when these aren't your values. For whatever reason, these are CSIL's values. These are the lessons she is trying to instill in her kids. It's her call. She's not abusing them. It's not what I would do. It's not what you would do. It's not what MSIL would do. But it's not up to any of us to impose what WE would do on HER kids.
Yes, but the crucial point is that CSIL does not HAVE to stay at MSIL's house. She knew the house rules in advance and she choose to go. If MSIL was staying at CSIL's house and insisted on TV, soda at the table, adults only parties, etc. that would be a horse of a different color.
post #59 of 167
Quote:
Originally Posted by NYCVeg View Post
Yes, but the crucial point is that CSIL does not HAVE to stay at MSIL's house. She knew the house rules in advance and she choose to go. If MSIL was staying at CSIL's house and insisted on TV, soda at the table, adults only parties, etc. that would be a horse of a different color.
She did choose. I think there were other things going on there--with her husband and such. But you're right--she chose. And technically you can pretty much insist on anything you want in your own home. But, it doesn't make it nice or gracious to your family and guests.

If MSIL went to CSIL's house, CSIL could insist that MSIL's not go to school, sleep in their parent's bed, not do chores, etc. And, technically, if MSIL agreed to it, then that's that.

But, it would still make me question CSIL's mental health and think she was arrogant to try to push her agenda on someone else's kids and family.
post #60 of 167
Quote:
Originally Posted by lisalou View Post
I just wish my family nightmares took place in Hawaii.
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