c-sec mommas-- growth & healing chat thread - Page 3

[mandy122901]

Originally Posted by Shawnee

Breastfeeding brought great healing to the babies and me. That's why I'm here, looking for more sources of healing.

I am also here looking for sources of healing and I have to agree with you that breastfeeding has definitely brought me tremendous healing. I think that I would have had PPD if I had not breastfed my ds. It is so empowering to breastfeed and before I had ds, I never thought that I would feel this way.

[mandy122901]

Originally Posted by PapayaVagina

I have a really basic question for you mamas...when did you feel like you could exercise again? I've been DYING to exercise (I'm 10 weeks postpartum right now)

Emotionally, I'm a total and complete wreck. BF has also helped me heal a lot emotionally but dd is having major problems with food sensitivities and they are suspecting celiac disease now. We had about 4 awesome weeks after she was born and then the screaming started and since then it has been so, so frustrating with mama feeling like she's gonna pull out her hair. These last 2 weeks have been especially bad with her being diagnosed as failure to thrive and me feeling like once again I have failed in mama-hood and has brought back intense memories about her birth. It's been rough, first I couldn't give birth, then we had some issues with breastfeeding and now mama's milk is ripping up her guts. Ugh.

I was able to start exercising around 2 months but I have noticed that now that I hit 4 months things are much easier. I could barely do anything much but now I am actually able to work on my abs. I truly hope that you know that you are not failing!!! I think that we have the idea that breastfeeding should be easy but its not....and you should feel so good about the fact that you are still trying to work through everything and give your dd what is best for her.

[mandy122901]

Originally Posted by zmom

I just wnated to respond to a couple of things but don't know how to selectively quote!

As far as managing the list (ICAN or any other high volume list) I've found gmail to be a necessity. Gmail groups like threads together so if you aren't interested in a particular "conversation" you only have one email thread about it and delete the whole thing. Also, you can filter incoming mail according to labels so if you want can sort by the label and delete everything.

Can anyone tell me how to quote several different people in one response? I have a ton of responses posted and it would probably be better if I could just have one post that had several responses in it.

Also.....can you tell me more about Gmail?

Thanks!

[angelcat]

For multiquoteing, you click on the icon with the quotation mark and a plus sign. Do that for all you want to post, til the last one. For the last one, just click the quote button. All the posts will be there, and you can go in & put your comments after each one.

I think that should work. Not sure if I've mulituoted here, but I have at another site that uses vbulletin.

[aweynsayl]

ohmy!!! i take 2 days off from the computer and come back to this!!! i will be back to say more when ds has his nap...

always-- hugs, and yes-- i think it is becoming vital that all levelrange of c-s fell comfy here.... please? i think it will help.

huge hugs!!!!!!!!

[pookel]

I just wanted to comment that I can't believe all the hospitals that put you guys in recovery rooms away from the baby! My "recovery room" was the same room I labored in, with a rocler and couch and private bathroom. They brought me my son almost immediately and encouraged me to nurse. I'd have been pissed too, if I were kept from him for hours.

[mightymoo]

Originally Posted by pookel

I just wanted to comment that I can't believe all the hospitals that put you guys in recovery rooms away from the baby! My "recovery room" was the same room I labored in, with a rocler and couch and private bathroom. They brought me my son almost immediately and encouraged me to nurse. I'd have been pissed too, if I were kept from him for hours.

Yeah, this was the way it was for both my kids too - baby never was more than 5 feet from me, was only out weighed and wrapped up, then spent the rest of the time in DH arms, he carried her out of the OR walking beside me.

We are in another part of the country now and I am nervous about what the local hospital will be like. I found a nice OB though, she did my d&c and follow up for my m/c, I really felt like she treated me like an intelligent human being capable of making her own decisions.

[aweynsayl]

ok, wow. let's see if i can do this.....

Originally Posted by zmom

Anyway, I don't know if I'll post again to this thread because I don't want to further offend anyone with my anger and sadness.

i actually think it would be great if you share. i promise not to be offended by your feelings! they are your feelings, and you have as much a right to share as i do..... i am thinking the balance-- all sides of the story, as it were-- will be healing!

Originally Posted by grypx831

I try to talk about it with people and they roll their eyes at me. I am so angry I can't find a word for it.

I hope you can share more. huge huge hugs.

Originally Posted by mandy122901

This is SO how I feel and couldn't really express it as well as you did! I just keep thinking that I could have done something differently. .... I think that she understood how easy it is to blame yourself.

coming to peace with this was something that i had to DECIDE i needed to do. i cant count the number of times i woke dh up in the middle of the night to say: "why didnt we try ___ one more time?" eventually, you realize that you can "one more time" til the end of time..... he reminded me-- you can only do what you can at the time.... and if you are fully in that moment, then you will make the decision you need to. i know now that i was in tune with my baby and my body, and what happend was as it needed to be. that's really hard.... but i really believe it.

I just have to say-- to all the mommas who did not get to hold their babes right away-- HUGEST OF HUGE HUGS. i am devistatedely heartbroken. I can not even imagine. WHY did they do this???? I was mad that ds had to be taken and weighed and stuff, but he never was taken from my sight, and we were in the room and nursing within 30 min of him being out of me. I can not even imagine.

Kleine Hexe-- i thought of something i think i'm gonna do-- had to tell you! i thought i'd get a henna tatoo kit, and tatoo a vine of flowers across my scar on ds's birthday! i was planning on creating some sort of healing ritual for that day (it already involves cherry pie and a dozen yellow roses).

Ok-- HUGS once more, and please, keep sharing!!!!!!

[nausicaamom]

This thread and the few others I've posted on about my c-section have been incredibly helpful to me. I've been able to isolate what exactly caused my trauma and what I can do to avoid it if a second section is necessary. I've also been able to finish working on forgiving myself for it happening - realizing that I made the best decision I could with the resources that I had at the time and that a trial of labor in my circumstances may not have had a different outcome.

I really like this thread because it's such a mix - anger, acceptance, regret trauma, control. Other threads seem to focus on just one of those aspects and while at times that is helpful to me, this mixed bag here has been the most healing for me.

Thanks for having this and allowing me to participate.

[Shawnee]

Originally Posted by moosemommy

i thought i'd get a henna tatoo kit, and tatoo a vine of flowers across my scar on ds's birthday! i was planning on creating some sort of healing ritual for that day (it already involves cherry pie and a dozen yellow roses).

Great idea! Today I had a tremendous healing experience that I'd like to share. I was at a friend's house telling her about ds's birth and the aftermath. She's perfect to talk to because she and I are on the same page with our beliefs about birth. Ds had fallen asleep and I was holding him. I found myself cuddling him sooo close and protectively. It felt really good. Then tonite when I was nursing him in bed I realized there was some kind of change, like I was seeing him more clearly now and our bond had been strengthened. I don't know what to call this, catharsis or just a chance to be a mother bear and let out my protective instincts that were thwarted in the hospital, but it feels good. I think I should plan a healing ritual of my own, maybe just some time to be alone with ds and cuddle him while he's sleeping again, or maybe a nice tea with a sympathetic friend again, with some cherry pie and yellow roses of course!

[snazzy_mom]

Oh mommas, this is such a wonderful thread!!

This might sound kind of silly but my guilt has been that I don't feel bad about my scheduled c-section. I feel like I should feel bad about it but I don't. With Ds#1, I had a 21 hour labor, 2 hours of pushing and STILL ended up having a c/s. I was 19 and very uneducated about childbirth so I didn't fight for myself. Unfortunately, after I had him, my fever shot up to 105 and they couldn't figure out why. Ds wasn't allowed in the room with me so I didn't hold my baby until he was 4 days old.

Now, I had totally planned on going the VBAC route this time. But as time got closer, I got scared. I was scared that I would labor again and still end up with a c/s and not be able to bond with ds#2, like I wasn't able to with #1. After much thinking and consulting with my Dr. I did decide to have a scheduled c-section at 39 weeks.

Lil' bit had other plans though. At my insistance, I had an ultrasound scheduled at 33 weeks because I had a history of low amniotic fluid with ds#1 My doctor didn't think it necessary but I pushed for it. Thanks the heavens above that I did. His fluid was low. It was at 5.5cm and it was supposed to be 10. I was sent for non-stress tests for 3 weeks on at my 36 week appt, his fluid was down to 4 and he was breech and couldn't move due to the lack of fluid. I was sent directly over to L&D. I wasn't allowed to go home and get my bag, nothing. I was told that I would be delivering as soon as they got ahold of my doctor. I couldn't get ahold of DH or my mom or anyone so I panicked. The nurses were really great about helping mt get a hold of everyone. Luckily, I had eaten breakfast so they couldn't do the surgery until I had a bm. DH got there and ds was born at 5:28pm. Now this is where I get emotional.... ds had TWO knots in his cord and my placenta had already started to detach and was was deteriorated on one edge and his head eas wedged up under my ribs. They really had to fight to get him out and I have it all on video. Ds hadn't gained any weight from the time that we had the u/s at 33 weeks. My doctor told me that if we had waited a week or even tried a vaginal birth, he might not have made it. Talk about scary!! And none of this would have been known if I hadn't insisted on that second u/s. I still cry thinking about that.

Now my hospital experience couldn't have been better. Ds left the O.R. in Dh's hands and he was the one that gave him his first bath. I was in recovery for all of 20 minutes, just as soon as I could move my toes, I was out of there and taken straight to the nursery where Ds was nursed immediately. He stayed with me at all times and the most wonderful part, every nurse and doctor asked if he was going to be circumsized and as soon as I said "NO!!" they all said good, that none of them supported it and told me a I was a good momma for not doing it. It just made me feel so good to know that that many people in a professional environment were against it.

We were there for 3 days and with as small as ds was and with all that could have gone wrong, he is perfect and I couldn't be happier with my decision to have a c-section. I just have to get past the fact that I don't feel bad about it. I didn't fail as a mother, I didn't fail as a woman. I did what was best for my baby. Just like we all do.

[aweynsayl]

Originally Posted by Shawnee

Great idea! Today I had a tremendous healing experience that I'd like to share. ... I don't know what to call this, catharsis or just a chance to be a mother bear and let out my protective instincts that were thwarted in the hospital, but it feels good. I think I should plan a healing ritual of my own, maybe just some time to be alone with ds and cuddle him while he's sleeping again, or maybe a nice tea with a sympathetic friend again, with some cherry pie and yellow roses of course!

YES! momma bear. actually, one of the things that upset me the most was a stupid thing that happend with ds's jaundice and tests that were give "7 minutes too early" (um, bite me).... i *should* have kicked them out, but i let them take ds OFF my boob and stick his poor little heel so that they would leave me alone (did i mention they later threatened to take him away from me and feed him formula? grrr.) anyhow. MOMMA BEAR!!! yes. totally. actually, one of my most healing moments was at about 1 1/2 months when the mws sent us to the ER at children's hospital for lack of weight gain. that was the worst day of my life.... but then-- those ER docs, just the conventional med types i'd so wanted to avoid-- told me: "you're doing great. He's just fine. Go home, cuddle him and nurse." ha! I WAS RIGHT. sigh. anyhow.... very long winded: "Yes, I think you're on to something!!!"

Originally Posted by snazzy_mom

Oh mommas, this is such a wonderful thread!!

This might sound kind of silly but my guilt has been that I don't feel bad about my scheduled c-section. I feel like I should feel bad about it but I don't. I just have to get past the fact that I don't feel bad about it. I didn't fail as a mother, I didn't fail as a woman. I did what was best for my baby. Just like we all do.

welcome! and i'm so glad! yours is an amazing story! Momma's intuition. I kind of feel that way about mine, but i dont have anything to back me up, just my feeling. I dont think you should feel bad for not feeling bad! i think you should feel amazing that you were so intune with your babe!

HUGS!!!!!

[ericswifey27]

Originally Posted by Kleine Hexe

My c-section opened my eyes. It lead me toward the AP path. It was an awakening that the medical system is not all knowing and that doctors are not authority figures. It made me question and seek answers....even the uncomfortable ones.

It sucked. I hated it. It hurt. It was medically unnecessary. It scarred me. It broke me. It shattered my world. It depressed me. It infuriated me. It terrified me. And along the way....It made me strong.

This resonates with me most. I feel am on this same path, and hoping in the end I will be strong too. It has been an awakening, for sure. I have learned so much along the way.

[aweynsayl]

hugs!

[hammas]

I haven't had time to read the whole thread yet, but I just wanted to write something already.

I have never been raped but my c/s feels like rape to me. It was not planned and I believe their poor choices in my care led to the situation where the c/s was necessary. The operating OB hated me for being obese and she said cruel things to me before and during the operation. Something went wrong with the epidural anesthesia and it hurt so much when they were touching and cutting and cleaning my uterus. The OB made fun of my pain.

Now over three years and one successful VBAC later I would say I am at least partly recovered. The VBAC and the preparation for it were very special to me.

[snazzy_mom]

Originally Posted by hammas

I haven't had time to read the whole thread yet, but I just wanted to write something already.

I have never been raped but my c/s feels like rape to me. It was not planned and I believe their poor choices in my care led to the situation where the c/s was necessary. The operating OB hated me for being obese and she said cruel things to me before and during the operation. Something went wrong with the epidural anesthesia and it hurt so much when they were touching and cutting and cleaning my uterus. The OB made fun of my pain.

Now over three years and one successful VBAC later I would say I am at least partly recovered. The VBAC and the preparation for it were very special to me.

How awful!! I am so sorry for your experience. Did you address the surgeon about his/her reprehensible behavior?

[GenomicsGirl]

After my first c-section, I was angry at the Dr and the whole 'system' for how my labour went. I felt like they had bullied me into lying on my back to labour, of getting me to take some weird drug, and then in my woozy state, of getting me to take the epideural and making it so strong that I had to be told when to push (I pushed for 3 hours, the Dr tried the vacuum 3x and the foreceps 2x - he just wouldn't come out). I knew things would be different the 2nd time around. I stayed at home as long as I could when I went into labour - about 45 minutes My water broke and I was pushing at home; I was 10 cm when I arrived at the hospital. Why can't my babies come out? I just don't get it. Babies get twisted like a corkscrew in my pelvis and they can't get pulled out. And they're small - 7'9 and 7'1 each.

I just had my 20 week appointment (baby #3) a few days ago and the Dr was talking about scheduling my c-section at 39 weeks. I know I should just accept that I'll have to have another one, but I can't help but wonder WHY the heck do I go into labour on my own, have easy and fast labours, and push push push ... but they won't come out? I can't help but wonder if there's something different I should be doing.

I exercise regularly. I only gained 23 lbs with each of the boys. I'm tall and have good hips. I have small-ish babies. It just doesn't make sense.

But I don't feel guilt. I feel like I'm inadequate. And I'm not saying it in a whiny 'poor me' type of tone; I'm saying it matter-of-factly: I'm inadequate. That's just the way I am made. I'm glad that I wasn't having babies 100 years ago - or the outcome would have been terrible.

[mandy122901]

Originally Posted by hammas

I have never been raped but my c/s feels like rape to me. It was not planned and I believe their poor choices in my care led to the situation where the c/s was necessary. The operating OB hated me for being obese and she said cruel things to me before and during the operation. Something went wrong with the epidural anesthesia and it hurt so much when they were touching and cutting and cleaning my uterus. The OB made fun of my pain.

I am so sorry that you had to endure such terrible treatment. I think that something must have been wrong with this OB to feel the need to treat you so badly at such a vulnerable time. I wonder if you could report her to her governing body?

Originally Posted by GenomicsGirl

But I don't feel guilt. I feel like I'm inadequate. And I'm not saying it in a whiny 'poor me' type of tone; I'm saying it matter-of-factly: I'm inadequate. That's just the way I am made. I'm glad that I wasn't having babies 100 years ago - or the outcome would have been terrible.

I can totally understand your feelings of being inadequate. I too have felt that way and I am slowly starting to feel better. I just recently joined the ICAN group (it is for women who have been through a c/s) because I really want information about VBAC. It really is helping me feel like I can overcome my pain. I am really trying to believe that I'm not defective and I can have a baby naturally. There are many women in this group that have had 2+ c/s and go on to VBAC successfully and its encouraging for me to read their stories.

[lunaleau]

post c-sec feelings and recovery

I just wanted to say that even though I am really unhappy with my c-sec and planning a vbac this time around I really appreciate hearing the diversity of women's feelings about their c-sec's, those of you who are happy, just ok, validated by your intuition, etc. These are all healing for me because they are helping me make room for other feelings besides anger about my son's birth. I was numb for so long and had such a hard time bonding with him, when I did feel something it was just anger ( you can check my vbac at home or hosp in MN thread for details as to why if yo are interested). So thank you to all who have shared.

I thought I would share a healing and recovery perspective though right now in case there any mom's planning c-secs. So with my first birth I did a birthing From within class and process, a part of that was I called all the women I knew and mostly ones from my family to share their birth experiences and advice with me. My Aunt had 2 kids normally and the last 2 a sec. So she goes, " I'll share this with you but you won't need it since you are having a home birth... with my 2nd c-sec I learned you have to get up as soon as possible and walk, walk walk" Well, it ended up that hers was the advice I most needed! I have no recollection of the end of the surgery, recovery or returning to my room, my first memory of after he was born was it was very light out, and I had to get up! So I got our of bed and walked to NICU. It hurt like a *&$%#, a million times worse than labor, the nursed were freaking on me. I took it slow, got to my baby and nursed him. My partner had to bring me back to my room in a wheel chair (this was maybe 2 hours post -op) but after that I walked to and from for every nursing, eventually they just put him in our room to get me to stay still, but then I walked to get ice. When we went, I walked all the time, every day. It was helpful physically as well as emotionally because I couldn't handle feeling trapped by my body. So that was my healing advice- walk! Walk all the time, walk slow, just move.

[Fiestabeth]

So, reading this thread inspired me to finally post my birth stories. I had a c-section with my second. I still haven't fully dealt with the emotions. And guilt.