Fear After Watching Friend Labor...(really super long) UPDATE post #5

[Shelsi]

I'm 11 wks pregnant and planning a homebirth. My first was a horrible (yet typical) hospital birth. It was pitocin induced and my epidural never worked but caused me back pain for about 18 mos afterwards, not to mention the bolous fluids I was given made bfing very hard and we almost failed at first. I felt humiliated in the hospital. This is why I am homebirthing.

Well all day yesterday I was with my friend in the hospital while she labored. She's doing a VBAC and she's a surrogate. She previously had a successful vaginal birth then had a c-section for twins so she has a proven pelvis and all that jazz. She is TOTALLY into NCB. She's just as obsessed with it as me. With her other vaginal delivery she was always upset because she got the epidural and hers also didn't work. She's very big into the Bradley Method and was saying how she wanted to become an instructor after this birth.

So anyways the poor girl has been in prodomonal (sp?) labor for weeks. She got sent home from the hospital at least 4 times. Yesterday she went in to get her blood pressure checked and her mw did a check of her cervix and she went from 3-4 in a matter of minutes, having regular contractions, etc. So they admitted her. I got there 2 hours later and she was still in the early stages. She was still talking and laughing between contractions. 3 hours later I had to leave and go into work for an hour or two. When I got back I found out they had broken her water : Their reasoning was that they wanted to do an internal monitor so they could better measure the contractions on her scar? They kind of threw that one from left field and neither my friend or her coach knew anything about it and couldn't really tell them no because the birth parents were there as well and wanted it. So now she was stuck in bed but was sitting at a 90 degree angle because that's the only thing that helped her back labor.

The nurse who seemed cool at first starts offering her nubain at the top of each of her contractions. We keep telling her no and the nurse doesn't give a crap what we say (my only job was to keep her from getting medication). Then the biological mother says, "Don't you have a code word?" So of course then my friend says the codeword and me and her coach are kind of stuck. So she gets a shot of nubain. Instantly falls asleep and contractions slow waaaay down and are not as intense. It wears off an hour later. They check her and now she's a 5 and same amt of effacement....but she's been in active labor now for 9 hours and has only changed by 1 cm and she's on the clock because of AROM. She starts screaming for the epidural. We would tell her to talk to us at the end of the contraction and she would instantly fall asleep at the end until the next one so we put her off for about an hour. Finally the bio mom asks about the damn code word again and my friend starts screaming it. I finally convince her to at least get checked again because she looked like she was bearing down a little and her face just looked different with contractions and I was really hoping she'd be at least an 8 and then decide against the epidural but she was still a 5 I had to leave then because it was late and I had to get home to my son. So I don't know what happened after that but I know the anesthesiologist was on his way and she wasn't going to change her mind.

I feel really upset for her because I know how angry she's going to be with herself and possibly with me and her coach. She's such a huge proponent of NCB and I know she's going to feel she failed. I know her coach (her bf) feels like she failed and I'm afraid he'll pass that on to her.

Not only am I upset for her though I now have this HUGE fear of giving birth naturally. I came home crying last night to dh. I realize she had interventions, the worst being the AROM by far, but its terrifying to me that someone that into NCB couldn't make it past 5 cm before absolutely screaming for the epidural. I am so worried I just won't be able to handle it. I am so worried that maybe I should just go to the hospital and get an epidural like everyone else. I mean at least then it's free. Why am I paying $2500 to be in pain? I am just downright terrified. I dreamed about it all night and everytime I woke up I laid there and thought about it endlessly. I don't really know what to do but needed to get my feelings out.

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

It sounds like to me the shot she got for pain and it knocking her out only to be awoken by ctx pain made it very hard for her to deal with the pain. Because it felt like to her she was having ctx constantly because she was so out of it in between.

I never really feared the pain of child birth because I know woman have been doing it thousands of years and they managed with no pain relief. I think labor is a state of mind more than anything. If you have it in your head that you will do it or die and that there is no such thing as a epidural or pain medication then you can do it. That is what worked for me anyway.

[saratchka]

First of all, I'm so sorry that your friend had such a horrible experience. I don't think she's a failure at all. She was in a very difficult situation and it's not at all surprising that her environment should have impacted her ability to cope with the pain.

Every woman is different, and every labor is different. I experienced no pain during my labor that came close to making me scream, and only once did I even think of pain medication. That was when I had my cervix checked and found out I was at 8cm. Then I knew the pain was at or near its peak and I'd make it through without the meds just fine.

It sounds to me like the hospital environment and some of those people present at the birth slowed your friend's labor and increased the level of pain she experienced. And, IMHO the Bradley method and birth coaches are lovely things, but I will never even consider birthing without a trained labor support person - midwife or doula - who can provide counterpressure and advice for controlling pain. My DH tried to help with massage, etc, but it made no difference, and breathing didn't help me much either. But counterpressure applied by my doula decreased the pain of my contractions by about 70%, and her advice about positioning myself, making low sounds, etc also made a big difference. There's just no substitute for having someone with tons of NCB experience there to help you.

Nobody and nothing can guarantee you that your birth won't be extremely painful or that you won't want pain medication. But I don't think there's any reason to question your ability to have an unmedicated home delivery on the basis of your friend's hospital experience. You will be far more comfortable at home than she was in that hospital. There is no reason to believe that you'll be unable to manage the pain effectively. Consider hiring a doula to assist you in labor when your MW has to be focused on other things to give yourself the best support possible. And if, for some reason, you change your mind at the last minute and want medication, there's no reason you can't have a contingency plan in place for that. Some prefer to have no option for pain relief, but personally, I would transfer if the pain became unbearable. I don't see anything wrong with having a contingency plan.

I've never had a medicated birth, so I can't compare the two. But I got to fully experience every part of bringing my daughter into the world, and that is invaluable to me. There are many, many women who think it's crazy to "pay to be in pain" but I'm paying to have the full birth experience and the healthiest option for myself and my baby. If some pain is part of that, that's okay with me!

[rozzie'sma]

Well it doesn't really seem like your friends situation was set up for success. There were wayyyy to many people in that room for a woman to relax and since the baby wasn't hers her wishes were not really honored. Plus, I don't know how to say this, but there is this bond, this drive while going through contractions that soon this will be over and you will have this beautiful life to raise and nurture. If I knew I was going to be handing the baby over, I don't think I could go through a natural labor. That has to be a painful experience in and of itself and I think I would want the drugs just to dull the moment.

Don't let this make you think you can't hb. Hb is a totally different environment than a hospital birth. You usually don't have to fight for respect in a homebirth and you get to actually concentrate on birthing your baby.

[Shelsi]

Update

Well my friend just called me. She had the baby about 3 hours after I left and 2 epidurals later. Turns out her epidural needs to be placed higher than most so that's why it didn't work with her first birth and it didn't work the first time with this birth. She said the anesthesiologist was really good and confident and he told her exactly what to say if she gets an epidural next time so that it's placed properly (she is going to be a surrogate again for the same ppl in about 18 mos or so).

After it was all said and done it turns out she just couldn't stop herself from pushing, even when she was only about 5-6 cm and 90% effaced and she was starting to rip her cervix which is why her pain was so bad. She says the pain was nothing like with her daughter which was a pitocin induction, she says she just felt like she was being ripped apart. She's only angry about getting the nubain because she knows she really didn't need it then. She feels she really did need the epidural and as of right now does not regret it.

Hearing that makes me feel a lot better. She just really scared me with how much pain she was in but now I realize it wasn't just ordinary labor pain. I guess I just get overwhelmed sometimes and wonder what the heck I'm doing and why I can't just be like "normal" people lol. Sometimes I think it would be nice to be part of the sheeple.

[SharonAnne]

how scary for you.

I had a homebirth, with my first (and so far only) child. I also took Bradley Classes, and loved them so much that I'm currently doing the academic portion of the requirements for certification myself.

DH and I chose to have his sister present at our birth. The original idea was for her to take pictures, which she did. But I had a small underhanded reason, too. I figured if she sat in on my nice, normal, blissful, totally unmedicated birth, it would influence her to have a similar experience with her next child (my first nephew was an induction, leading to an "emergency" c-section)

Anyway, they say if you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans Totally true in this case. My blissful birth turned into 37 hours of labor, 25 of those, active labor, and 55 minutes of pushing. And it was all back labor to boot.

I was fully dilated and effaced, save a small lip near the back of the baby's head. My midwife pushed it out of the way for me so I could push the baby past my cervix. I screamed like a wounded animal.

It was rough. It was far from unbearable.

*I* wouldn't change a thing, and can't wait to do it again.

My SIL just had her second C-section. My L&D scared the crap outta her.

Don't let your friend's experience scare you. Your body was designed for this. AND you'll have the advantage of being home, without all the extra procedures and time tables and everything else a hospital birth entails.

Best of luck!

[jjewell]

Just a thought on your original post. When I labored in the hospital I was in intense pain, laying in a bed increases my pain tenfold. When I labored at home, I was in heaven. I had no where near the pain that I had while in the hospital, laying down in labor just doesn't work (for me). Plus being home in your own environment with people you trust makes a huge difference.
How do you feel about your birth team? Do you have confidence in them? The bradley classes might be helpful for you and your husband, plus you'll have the support and network of the others in the class.

[StacyL]

I too had a bad hospital first birth, and a wonderful second homebirth. I would like to say this:

Completely disregard what you have witnessed. It was a hospital birth, and is in no way comparable to a HB. You will not labor in that way, and it will likely go MUCH easier as it is your second birth.

Keep the faith. You can do it.

I also recommend reading, "Birthing From Within." That helped me get over any residual fear from my first birth.

You can do it - you'll be glad you did.

[ndunn]

Have you seen the dvd "Birth as we know it" ?

It has some great home births that are very quiet, still & peaceful.
Maybe watching it would be a good thing if you've just witnessed a scary hospital birth.

[chiro_kristin]

I have to agree with pps... having a homebirth is nothing like what happened to your friend. What happened to her is one of the biggest reasons why I had a homebirth! And my labor was 55 hard hours, I have no idea how long I pushed, and it hurt like crazy, and it was awesome and empowering and resulted in such a precious reward.

[tinyshoes]

Originally Posted by Shelsi

I am so worried that maybe I should just go to the hospital and get an epidural like everyone else. I mean at least then it's free. Why am I paying $2500 to be in pain?

Hugs.

What a traumatizing event to witness.

You are not paying $2500 to be in pain; you are paying $2500 to avoid the types of suffering your friend endured.

I have avoided posting on this thread because I knew there would be no way I could do so in a non-wordy fashion, so apologies for the length:

I have watched the same doula give her "Natural Rhythm of Labor" presentation 3 times over as many years...the first time was when I had only my hosp. pit-induced epidural birth to compare it to, once after my homebirth, and once several months ago.

Every time I walk outta there, I'm ready to go into labor RIGHT THEN and there without any fear.

This doula talks about how labor starts....contractions begin, they begin to come rhymically. This is exciting.

She talks about how this activity crecendos, and a woman finds herself in an active labor pattern, maybe around 4 cm....

....and then, labor gets going. And that transitional time can be intense, and sure, many women in the hospital setting are ready for their drugs RIGHT THEN BECAUSE IT HURTS!!!!

but if possible, if a woman can find a way to adjust to this New version of labor (just like she adjusted from ZERO LABOR and just pregnant to early labor) she will do well.

And women do.

And then they may hit another increase in labor pains or frequency, or transition. Another point where many women "can't stand it anymore!!!!!!" but a few more contractions, with support, all of a sudden, their brains, body, uterus, and the universe all catch up again, and the woman is in harmony, and coping.

NOT IN AGONY.

Coping, handling, laboring, living, breathing....getting that baby one contraction closer to born.


I chuckle when I watch my homebirth video. At the start, when I'm prob about 4 cm, I'm loud and yelling and going nuts in the tub with the hand-held shower sprayer on my belly, freakin' out.

Because that type of laboring was new to me, at that moment.

And later on, when for certain labor was "harder" I was able to handle it much more easily; I had found my groove, I was supported, it was all ok.

It hurt--I am not saying it didn't. I remember thinking about why women wanted drugs, why that concept is an important part of human history: help women with this pain.

But dang...I've had it both ways, in the hosp. with an epidural placed before I ever was to feel my first labor contraction, and at home, and I'd never EVER be like 'everyone else' who just goes to the hospital for free.

This is where you vent--and share those fears and worries and concerns and everything else that happens to you as you journey through your pregnancy, and see your pregnant friend endure what she did at the hospital.

[Blue Dragonfly]

Sorry for both of you that was such a difficult experience.

Two things.

1. Watch some homebirthing videos - you will feel so much better. They always made me feel really happy, not freaked out like hospital births did.

2. One of the reasons (high on my list) I chose HB is because I KNEW if I were in the hospital, I would be screaming for an epidural. Because I would know the drugs were there and bearing pain well is not high on my list of personal attributes. During my first labour, there was a point (2cm, after 10 hours pretty hard labour) I seriously considered trying to go to the hospital. But I knew I could not walk down the stairs, and the thought of being carried on a stretcher while having a contraction just about blew my mind), then I got lost in the pain, and after a while the panic and fear subsided and I made it through no problem.

You too can do it. You'll be fine.

[Shelsi]

Thanks everyone. I've been SO ready for a homebirth, for at least the past 2 years, and then I saw that birth and it really set me back a bit I guess in my own confidence level. I KNOW I want a homebirth. I know that going to the hospital is the last thing I really want. I also keep telling myself there is no way it could be worse than my last labor which was completely pitocin induced, flat on my back, a gazillion wires and tubes all over me, and an epidural that never worked. And I also try to remind myself that even though I was not ready in any way at that time to not get pain relief that in the end I was really happy the epidural didn't work!

I'll look into the books/movies. I know that will help. On another forum yesterday someone posted her homebirth video and it was really cool and empowering to watch.

Thanks for letting me vent and get it out.

Oh and someone asked if I have a good support person I think? I sort of do. I mean I have dh and he's working on it but he just doesn't get it. The other day he actually mentioned someone might feel regret afterwards for NOT getting drugs in labor. I told him in the history of time I don't think that's ever happened, especially because once the baby is out you don't even feel pain anymore so it just doesn't make any sense. We're going to do some local classes (either Bradley or hypnobabies, haven't decided yet) so hopefully that will help him. My mom might be here but she'll really be here for my son and not for me. But also in general I definitely go within myself when I'm in pain so I'm trying not to be depending on someone else to help me relax.

[tinyshoes]

Originally Posted by Shelsi

Thanks everyone. I've been SO ready for a homebirth, for at least the past 2 years, and then I saw that birth and it really set me back a bit I guess in my own confidence level. I KNOW I want a homebirth. I know that going to the hospital is the last thing I really want. I also keep telling myself there is no way it could be worse than my last labor which was completely pitocin induced, flat on my back, a gazillion wires and tubes all over me, and an epidural that never worked. And I also try to remind myself that even though I was not ready in any way at that time to not get pain relief that in the end I was really happy the epidural didn't work!

I wonder if you had a little PTSD moment...seeing your friend in the same scenario you were in just freaked you out and rattled your cage.

Not really anything to do with birth, or how to do it, or where, or drugs or no, per se...just seeing your friend going through that, and your own body has that body memory of the same sensations she experieinced--yikes!

[Romana]

You will do much better at home. Labor was extremely painful for me, too, but I feel it was much better to labor unhindered than to be interfered with in the hospital.

Have faith in yourself and your body - you can do it! Remember that you are likely to have a better experience at home.

Something else occurs to me too. I don't know anything about your friend, so this is just speculation, but since she was a surrogate, is it possible that subconsciously she hesitated to release the baby (and that might have something to do with her not dilating) because it would mean that then she would have to say goodbye, and it wouldn't be her baby? I do not imagine that I would be ready to let go of a baby I carried for 9 mos, even if I had really thought about it and worked through it. But I might just be projecting what my own fears/hesitations would be.

You might want to read some positive birth stories to help you work through the fears that this one has brought to you. Hope that helps.

Julia
dd 9mos

[Pandora114]

Originally Posted by tinyshoes

Hugs.


Coping, handling, laboring, living, breathing....getting that baby one contraction closer to born.


I chuckle when I watch my homebirth video. At the start, when I'm prob about 4 cm, I'm loud and yelling and going nuts in the tub with the hand-held shower sprayer on my belly, freakin' out.

Because that type of laboring was new to me, at that moment.

And later on, when for certain labor was "harder" I was able to handle it much more easily; I had found my groove, I was supported, it was all ok.

It hurt--I am not saying it didn't. I remember thinking about why women wanted drugs, why that concept is an important part of human history: help women with this pain.

>.>

How does one cope with an 80 minute labour, where it's..

NOTHING..

then BAM Transition...

[Shelsi]

Originally Posted by tinyshoes

I wonder if you had a little PTSD moment...seeing your friend in the same scenario you were in just freaked you out and rattled your cage.

Not really anything to do with birth, or how to do it, or where, or drugs or no, per se...just seeing your friend going through that, and your own body has that body memory of the same sensations she experieinced--yikes!

Ooh I really think you might be on to something here! I kept thinking that I need to work through this fear but I kept thinking that I wasn't sure it was the pain I was afraid of but couldn't place my finger on what else it could be. I'll have to think about this some more. Very interesting...

[2+twins]

I can see how watching your friend's labor scared you, but for me that would only make me that much more confident about homebirth! One of the things that jumped out at me as I read your original post was how your friend is totally committed to ncb & wants to become a Bradley instructor, but then she kept going to the hospital & stayed when she was still talking & laughing btwn contrax! I went through Bradley & taught briefly as an instructor and I know that's one of the things you don't do - go to the hospital when you're still talking & laughing btwn contrax (it's that whole emotional signposts thing). I saw that as a huge red flag - like, interventions begin "now", kwim? So as it turned out she had a reason for more pain than a person would normally have, but that aside, nothing about the situation you described sounded supportive of ncb. It won't be like that at home. You CAN do it! Definitely allow yourself to work through any fears now so you can embrace the power of your body when your time comes. Oh, and to be pregnant and witness any labor that seems rough at all is probably pretty overwhelming. You're just at a time where it's very easy to be affected by things that are emotional and/or scary.

[3~born~at~home]

Shelsi,
I've sent you a couple of PM's but not sure you're getting them?
I think you will be surprised how well you can do in your own home, birthing your own way. Birth is very different when you feel in control. I don't see how anyone could feel in control in a hospital. Even if the staff do their best to do with what you ask, I think there is still stress. My home births were very different than my hospital births.

[StacieM]

Rachel - you have the same name as my sister by the way, before my first child was born I always thought I'd probably get an epidural because my mom said she had one when she had me. No biggie, lots of women get them.

Well, during labor with my daughter, my oldest, I was trying to stay as calm as I could as long as I could. I didn't know what the future would bring, how much worse it would get etc, so I just tried to stay as calm as possible. By the time I finally wanted the drugs it was too late, plus they told me if they gave it to me it *might* slow my labor down. At that point I was like "Forget that!"

So, I never really planned on going natural, but that's the way it ended up. Since then, I've done 3 more deliveries with no drugs. I didn't start off all into natural childbirth, but I could handle it.

Stay positive - frame of mind is so, so important when dealing with pain. Also - if you need the epi for whatever reason, even if you plan to birth at home, you can get transfered if it's necessary.

Hang in there. Stay positive, you can do it!