how to deal when you and dp disagree? Long, advise needed!

[sesa70]

How do you handle a difference with your dp about something so important?

We have two girls, one bio and one adopted through the foster-adopt system in our state. Our foster-adopt case was pretty much as good as it would ever get... our daughter was found abandoned so no parental involvement whatsoever, rights terminated and adoption finalized before dd turned a year old. I am aware of how unusual that is and how lucky we got in our situation. I realize that will probably never happen again. Dh however, is looking at foster care through rose colored glasses. He thinks all foster-adopt situations will go this way, no matter how often I tell him we got lucky, he just insists that we can just get another abandoned baby....

Aside from that, even in our 'perfect' situation I was still extremely stressed. The foster care system is just not my ideal. IT was a very difficult year for me to have the uncertainty and worry about some less than intelligent state worker deciding to take my daughter away. I do not want to do it again. I am not saying I wont, just dont want to.

Dh on the other hand, is all for another foster care adoption. Its really all he wants to do. I am all for an international adoption. We have come to a compromise, its not that we cannot agree, just that neither of us are really thrilled with the others wants. THe compromise is we wait 8 months to a year and keep our foster licence open. If another abandoned baby comes our way in that time then we accept placement through foster care and do it again that way. If not, then we transfer our licence and go through an international adoption to south Korea. Its not that dh is opposed to an international, he just doenst see the difference b/w that and a foster adopt situation and the cost is very hard for him to swallow. We have been over it a zillion times and he just does not see a benefit where I clearly do.

So, I just dont know... what do other families do when they have differing opinions on how to proceed with an adoption? I know we have a plan, but we seem to be coming from different places here and this is such a big thing I want us both to be as excited as the other about how our new child joins our family. I know neither of us will love a child any less or any differently depending on how she/he comes to us, but still IMO this is less than ideal.

What are your thoughts?

[RedOakMomma]

It's a tricky situation, because while it's not ideal that you're disagreeing, it's not as if either of you are specifically against where a child comes from.

Ummmm....

You already have a homestudy done, correct? So you don't need to worry about that fee....

You could try to juggle both systems at once...in all the books I've read about international adoption it seems to be pretty common that US parents are trying to get a child through domestic and international programs at the same time.

Could you start the adoption process for Korea a few months from now, so that by the time you would get a referral that year-long foster adopt wait your dh would like would be up? With our placement agency, the only fees due before the referral of a child amount to about $500. That's not much $ to be on a waiting list.

I think it would be important to be up front about this with the agencies, though, and be honest that what you're really wanting is a placement of a child....whether s/he comes from the US or Korea doesn't matter, but you do want to be moving forward. I think a lot of agencies would understand that on some level...would they see juggling both systems as a problem or as a lack of commitment? I dunno. Probably best to propose the situation to a couple of adoption agencies and see what they would suggest. OR, take some time, talk it out with your dh, and move forward on one path together. (which is probably the best thing to do anyway )

If you want to try to pursue one path, you might do a few things that would expose your dh to some of the aspects of international adoption. Go to an agency meeting, or have a dinner with his friends that adopted from Korea....if the unknown path becomes more of a known path, he might be more willing to try it. Another great thing might be calling up some parents that have adopted through agencies you're considering. You can get references from agencies quite easily, and talking to couples is what made my husband feel really positive and optimistic about Korea.

[RedOakMomma]

One more thing....

It might be a good idea to remind your husband about the tax credit for adoption. It's somewhere around 11,000 right now, and you can take it over 5 years if each individual tax year's taxes aren't high enough (I'm explaining this badly...sorry!)

With your homestudy fees already taken care of ($3,000ish), and the tax credit ($11,000ish), that means--at most with a Korean adoption-- you'll be spending about $7,000 to $10,000 out of pocket. That's nothing more than a used car loan! Paid out over time, that's not all that much out of pocket.

We're tight on funds, too, so one of the things we've done is ask grandparents to help finance the adoption. Dh's parents helped pay for the homestudy, and my dad is helping pay for the large chunk that's due when we accept a referral. There are also A LOT of ways to fund adoptions, including some banks that will offer a lower interest loan, adoption grant programs, matching funds through some employers, etc. etc. Coming up with the 21-24K you need (especially the 7-10K that will come out of your pocket permenantly) could be easier than you think.

Good luck!

[queenjane]

Has your dh talked about how he will feel if you get a newborn, have her for a year or more, and then have to give her back? I know you said he seems not to consider the possibility, but has he talked about it in any kind of "hypothetical" sort of way?

I met a man at a playground, who is a foster parent and has adopted three young kids this way (each placed as a newborn), but he said that the first placement they received, a girl, went back home after 15 months in their care. They didnt have other children at the time, and he said they were devastated. Its my understanding, that even if you are doing a foster/adoptive placement, the child COULD go home (or to another relative, or to live with siblings) at any time. Has he talked about what he thinks the effect might be on your other children?

Right now, i'm waiting to be matched with a child available from the state (boy 0-9)...i've been waiting almost six months. I'm so discouraged by the public system, that i think if i actually had the money i would go international, with at least some type of predictable time line. (Its not just the money for the adoption itself, my income wouldnt satisfy immigration requirements for myself, my bio son, and the adopted child.)

Do you live in a state where the placement of a young child(baby)through straight adoption (TPR'd already)is a possibility? Some states have more infants available it seems. Where i live (MI)it seems getting any child under 10 through straight adoption is very hard, but other states (like OR)seem to have more.


Katherine

[rtnsgirly]

You can adopt children out of county or state. If you search on line you will find several children of all ages looking for adoptive homes. With one foster/adoption already completed it would be very easy to get a child that is ready to be placed for adoption (parental rights terminated already). My youngest son came to me as an adoption placement in 3/2001 and we finalized his adoption in 7/2001. It was much easier than my first. He was placed with me at 2 months old after being abandoned by his mother. She got him back when he was 2 1/2 years old. I was devistated. She called me the day before she was supposed to go to court for the 30 day review and told me if I wanted him Come and get him she was tired of him. I finalized his adoption just after he turned 3 years.

[queenjane]

Originally Posted by rtnsgirly

You can adopt children out of county or state. If you search on line you will find several children of all ages looking for adoptive homes. With one foster/adoption already completed it would be very easy to get a child that is ready to be placed for adoption (parental rights terminated already). .

I havent found this to be true. I'm amazed at how many parents i've "met" online who are waiting waiting waiting. Some for over a year!! And these are parents who are NOT waiting for an infant, or a child with zero problems. Yes, there are thousands of kids needing homes, but for some reason those kids and these waiting parents are not connecting. Adopting from the US foster care system isnt always as easy as people think. Its frustrating for me when i read posts on adoption boards, of people who are adopting African American newborn infants, privately, who get placements at lightning speed, but i can't seem to get a placement of an AA 9 yr old boy with psychiatric issues placed AT ALL. Yes, the approval process for me was a breeze, but then everything came to a screeching halt. I envy those of you who have smooth foster-adopt programs through your state. I think the system is seriously screwed up, and meanwhile kids are growing older with no family.

In my state, there seems to be a huge competition for kids available through straight adoption, who are younger than 10. Rarely do kids that age stay on the state photolisting for very long. I'm probably going to just foster, with the hopes that a child will stay, because my worker can't give me any info about how long this process might continue to take. I'm hoping to be chosen for a little out-of-state boy who's staffing is this month, but i'm not holding my breath.


Katherine

[rtnsgirly]

Do a search for State Adoptions in California

[rtnsgirly]

here are a couple of links for california

good luck


http://adoption.about.com/cs/adoptin...california.htm

http://www.adoptionnetwork.com/adopt...lifornia.shtml

[Sierra]

You know sesa70, it is hard. I tend to look back at our foster-adoption through rose colored glasses when we are not doing any fostering...but now that we have another foster-adopt placement, I am remembering what a rollercoaster it was, and I am not sure how much more my heart can take. dw is already insisting this is the last time we do this, whether or not we get to adopt dfd.

The expense is a big issue. For those of us who don't usually pay taxes, I don't think the tax credit does a whole lot of good. I think we could afford a private (non-agency, attorney facilitated) adoption if we planned it out, but we've pursued that to some degree and have had some hard experiences emotionally with that too. Also, due to issues with ds' birthfamily, it is unlikely we will be able to put up a website to help us with our search.

I know anytime any money is mentioned, my dw tends to freeze up, and then it is back to foster-adoption, but with that, she is really burned from some of our experiences. Then she starts seeing ttc through rose colored glasses.

Honestly, I think your compromise is pretty good. It will delay you a bit in getting started with your international adoption (although maybe there are some things you can do now, like start filling out the paperwork), but since an abandoned baby is unlikely to come your way, you will likely end up getting your international adoption in the end...and if a baby does turn up, well, you will have spent less money *and* you will have your baby in your arms within the next year.

[sesa70]

Thankyou to everyone who took the time to read my long post and to reply.

QueenJane...
For some reason my dh is convinced we will get another abandoned baby through foster care. I have talked to him about the realities of what foster care is and how so many families have their precious children moved for seemingly ridiculous reasons. He still holds firm that those sorts of rules dont apply to what he wants, ie, the abandoned newborn. I, being the realist, know this is not likely to come our way again. Its almost like he has to get it out of his system, you know? Like he cannot move forward without giving foster care the opportunity to come through with this very specific request. Its not even the money. its what he wants for our dd#2, he thinks it would be good for her and her sister/brother growing up if they had that in common.

RedOakMama,
Thanks for your suggestions. Actually, dh was the one who brought up South Korea as a county b/c of his friend from work. I think its a great idea to get together with them! Its not the country itself he is ucomfortable with, its the international adoption process. he dislikes that someone else (even a great foster home) will be raising our son for the first almost year of his life and that we have no choices in how he is raised. He feels that at least in foster care we have the child in the beginning. Again, I think this foster care waiting is something he has to get out of his system. If we started on international now, I think he would regret it, saying we didnt give them (fc) a chance to pull through for us. This way, if we wait, he has the opportunity to see they wont! So unfortunatley I have to work on my patience.

Sierra,
I think I agree with your dw on the foster care issues! I just dont want/cant take the stress of it anymore. It made me nuts! Thankfully, dh is not interested in ttc... at least we are on the same page there. My dh sounds like your dw when money is involved! LOL!
I think your right in that we have a decent compromise. Its hard that I will have to wait much longer to start the process, but like you said in the meantime its not like we are doing nothing, kwim? Its still just stressful.

[Diane B]

Originally Posted by sesa70

He dislikes that someone else (even a great foster home) will be raising our son for the first almost year of his life and that we have no choices in how he is raised. He feels that at least in foster care we have the child in the beginning.

My daughter was in foster care for 5 1/2 months before we brought her home. I don't exactly know how to express this eloquently, but I feel that this experience helped me really understand that our daughter has her own life, destiny, purpose - however you want to say it - beyond me. She was "raised" by her birth mother for nine months in the womb, and then loved for the first months of her life by her foster mother, and now is being nurtured through her childhood and adolescence by my partner and me. Eventually, she will develop her own family and circle of love as an adult. I am a part of that whole story, not the starting and ending point of her existence. I'm also grateful that she had some early experience immersed in her birth culture, living with a family, and that we have that link and can go back and visit.