Adoption questions and advice please...

[mommyof2soon2b3]

Well I am not looking to adopt RIGHT now due to me being pregnant but Dh does not want another baby (of our own) and some think it's too soon to be thinking about another baby but I don't I mean it takes a while right? We can't afford it right now so we would have to save but I wanted to start looking into it so when the time is right I can do it...What do I need to know? I have NEVER looked anything up so this is the first of me actually getting out the adoption thing in the open...No one but me knows abou t me wanting to adopt so I have NOTHING to go on...Please help...

[DeannaK]

Dh does not want another baby (of our own) and some think it's too soon to be thinking about another baby but I don't I mean it takes a while right?

First thing to learn, some people find the phrase, "child of our own" offensive, try biological child. My child is my own too, even though I didn't create him.
That being said, if you want my 10 cents wait six months before you even start doing your research. :

Adoption is emotionally really difficult and expensive. Take time to enjoy your new babe before you start thinking about all the adoption stuff. Then start reading blogs, adoption forums and talk with people who have adopted. The books on adoption (domestic) to me are silly. But that's a whole different thread!

[annethcz]

I reasearched for a couple of years before we actually started the process. I found it really helpful to have so much info. By the time we were ready to start with the paperwork and make the big decisions, I knew what to do. Doing so much research ahead of time did make me anxious, and it was hard to wait. But I had a good idea of the process. And researching/observing for so long helped me to see the nuances. It also helped me to learn how much waiting is inevitable in the process. I'd been around long enough to see how much changed in the years that I was researching, so I wasn't surprised when things changed yet again while we were in process.

It doesn't hurt to research now. But keep in mind that things are always changing in the adoption world, so it's wise to wait to make the big decisions.

[lifescholar]

I would suggest looking into adopting a child already in foster care....there are so many children out there already waiting, and if your husband isn't sure about going through the baby stage again, it would be a great compromise!

There are challenges, of course, to adopting an older child, but it is SO important!

My sister was 17 months when she was adopted, and both of my brothers were almost 6. Raising them was very difficult for my mom, but I hate to think of what their lives would have been like had they never been adopted...

Just some food for thought!

[rtnsgirly]

Originally Posted by lifescholar

I would suggest looking into adopting a child already in foster care....there are so many children out there already waiting, and if your husband isn't sure about going through the baby stage again, it would be a great compromise!

There are challenges, of course, to adopting an older child, but it is SO important!

My sister was 17 months when she was adopted, and both of my brothers were almost 6. Raising them was very difficult for my mom, but I hate to think of what their lives would have been like had they never been adopted...

Just some food for thought!

Adopting children from foster care is much easier than private adoption. States also have assistance to help cover the court costs. My oldest I fostered from the age of 2 months. He was 3 years, when his adoption was finalized. My youngest was 2 1/2 years when he was placed with me for adoption in 3/2001 his adoption was finalized in 7/2001. Much faster and easier if parents rights have already been terminated.

They did come with challenges though. Both were drug/alchohol babies born addicted. The youngest was born preemie and has many medical problems. There are times I wonder if I will ever survive them, but I would not do anything different if given the chance. And they are my children.

[queenjane]

What type of adoption are you thinking about? There is international adoption (both of babies and older kids), there is domestic private adoption (where you are matched up with a mother who is making an adoption plan for her baby who is not yet born), and there is adopting through the state, the process for which varies from state to state (some states have a foster-adopt program in which you have a child placed with you initially as a foster parent, and if that child becomes available you can adopt the child)...some states seem to have an abundance of younger kids, other states don't. I live in MI, and it seems that it is very hard to adopt a younger (meaning, not teen)child without fostering first. I've been waiting almost six months.

Fees vary as well...some domestic private adoptions can be more expensive than international adoptions. I found an agency that has a subsidized program for the private adoption of African American newborns, their fee is around $9000. If i had the money i'd do that. There is a $10000+ adoption tax credit (but if you always get all your taxes back each year that might not help out.) If you adopt a state ward, the child often qualifies for a monthly subsidy payment (similar to what a foster parent would be paid to care for the child), and a medicaid card.

Personally, with so many young kids, i would caution you to think hard before adopting an older child (older than your bio kids)....the needs of many adopted kids are much greater than bio children, and sometimes the needs are very severe(attachment issues, sexually reactive behavior, fetal alcohol syndrome etc)...your first priority should be to protect your current children. Thats not to say at all that it has never worked, just be cautious and do alot of reading, if you choose to go that route.

Fostering infants might be a good route for you, but you might want to wait until your newest little one is a bit older, so you arent trying to meet the needs of two babies at once. You would risk having the child reunified with birthparents, but might get the chance to adopt the child.

Those are ideas off the top of my head. Qualifying to adopt from the US foster care system is pretty easy. You just have to have enough space (kids can share rooms)prove that you can meet your current families financial needs (i'm fairly low income and i was approved no problem), and pass a background check. There are required training classes to help you prepare. My homestudy meeting (where the social worker comes to your house and talks with you about your parenting practices, expectations, etc)was no big deal at all. They really do try to approve everyone.


Katherine

[Sierra]

Originally Posted by rtnsgirly

Adopting children from foster care is much easier than private adoption.

Easy? I am confused.

In terms of cost, perhaps. But I am guessing given what you said later in your post, that you also know foster-adoption can be quite the roller coaster. I have not found it to be easy. It has been very emotionally difficult, and while I wouldn't change it for the world because it brought me ds (and maybe, who knows, it will allow me to adopt dfd too???), I wouldn't ever characterize it as "easy."

[lifescholar]

Sierra, I think she meant the adoption process...not the emotional journey, because certainly adopting an older child is probably the hardest type of adoption, emotionally speaking!!

Trish, kudos to you! My oldest brother has FAS, too many health issues to name, RAD, and numerous mental health issues.

My other brother has a developmental disability, due to physical abuse at the hands of his natural parents, and emotional issues from being in foster care (and being adopted and returned as a toddler...).

My sister has ADHD, and some emotional issues.

I was the "untainted" one, I guess...lol. I was adopted @ almost 3 months, so not much had happened to me, but I did have pretty bad separation anxiety, and I have chronic low self-esteem, which I think may be due to the breaks in attachment that I had at such an early age...

BUT,

My oldest brother is in University, and is doing MUCH better emotionally. His reunion with his natural mother has helped him a lot.

My other brother works full-time, and has an apartment with a roommate.

My sister isn't doing too well right now, but she is trying, and we do have hopes for her.

I am in University, and have already completed college. Not to mention I am a great mom!



So, there is hope in adopting children from foster care. It's a LONG and hard road, for sure, but I think my mom can take comfort in knowing that she made a HUGE difference in all of our lives. Considering my oldest brother was expected to be in prison by now, an addict, and never graduate high school, and my other brother was never expected to talk, they are doing REALLY well!

[rtnsgirly]

Sierra, Sorry to confuse you. The adoption process is pretty easy. I am talking once Parent Rights have been terminated. My first one was a nightmare as far as emotions went. Baby was abandoned by mother. He had been left and alone for more than 48 hours at 2 months old. Bio mom had no desire to even do re-unification with baby until she found herself pg with babe #2, (which was the right race, according to her). CPS informed her since she had done nothing to be re-unified with first babe she would also lose 2nd babe. After 2 1/2 years of him being in my care she got him back for a 30 day trial period. On day 30 she was to appear in court and the judge was to determine whether or not the placement back would be permanent. On day 29 she called me and told me if I wanted him to come get him she didn't want him anymore that she never wanted him because his father was Native American and she had only done what she had to to get him back so she didn't lose #2.
My second son was a breeze compared to my first. He was fostered in another home. I recieved him as adoption placement. From first visit with him to a finalized adoption was 6 months.

Lifescholar, thank you, but I do believe that no matter how young you were when adopted, it is only natural to have issues. My oldest son has severe abandonment issues. He also has a real fear of not having anything and hordes everything. We might not conciously remember, but our sub-concious never forgets. I have to always make certain that there is 2 gallons of milk in the fridge or he gets very upset that we will run out. Even though he has never gone without in my care. It is very sad what parents will do to children. It breaks my heart. I have known people that were reunited with their birth parents. If nothing else it does stop the wondering where they came from. I have a friend that i went to school with that recently found her birth parents. She says, she wished she had never found them, but she doesn't have to worry anymore. I was fortunate enough with my second son to beable to get all the court records from his removal from bio-parents to adoption (first son I fostered so already had them all). Both boys know they are adopted, but I am still mom. We have had long talks about it. I felt it was better to raise them with the knowledge and take away the schock of it. I will help them find their birth parents when they are old enough to decide to look for them. They both have several siblings that I am sure they would like to meet someday. Happy you found a good mom.

[editmom]

This is all fascinating info and experiences. I have a daughter, now young adult who was adopted and in many ways she was easier then the home grown kids at times. We are back at it with fostering to adopt a little girl who was five when she came to us, vs the first one being 3.5. It is all a challenge. All parenting. There are different challenges. My babe was talking to me about a big decision thing and I told her that D, the social worker was still the boss until she is adopted and we would need to ask her. Babe said that of course she was ours, and birth mom's and other foster mom's and when she was a grown up she would try to live near or with old foster mom.

These poor children live through so much confusion. We all do I guess. Life has pain. Kids are meant to be cherished and held.

[rredhead]

Reading, Reading

Hi!

I have to recommend the book Is Adoption for You? by C. Adamec. It's a wonderful resource. There are discussion questions for you and your spouse, as well as an overview of the many types of adoption.
As for the foster/adopt process being easier, I think that probably depends on your state. I know quite a few people who inquire about adopting via foster care who have not had phone calls returned, have been given the run-around, have found the bureaucracy difficult to deal with, etc. Although our agency totally dropped the ball at the birth (long story), I still feel that domestic adoption through an agency isn't a terribly difficult process. The other thing about adoption from foster care: you have to want to be a foster parent. Adopting through an agency, there was never the expectation that our child would be reunited with his birth family. My understanding is that in typical foster care placements, esp. of newborns and young children, the first priority is reunification. I do know that you can request pre-adoptive placements, but that may impact your wait time, and there is still a great deal of legal risk involved.
Each of the different types of adoption (one book counts 12 different types), carries its own pros and cons.
Good luck and God bless!
-R

[Sierra]

And for what it is worth, though some aspects of the process are much simpler in foster adoptions, in comparing experiences with fellow adoptive parents between foster-adoptive homestudies and private or agency homestudies, the homestudy process is usually much more intensive with foster adoptions.

That's not to say I wouldn't recommend foster-adoption. I am hoping that I am on my second foster-adoption as we speak (we are waiting to find out whether we'll be able to adopt dfd). I obviously am glad for my foster adoption. I just haven't found all that much about the emotional experience, and even much of the process, to be anything I would qualify as "easy."

[rtnsgirly]

Originally Posted by Sierra

And for what it is worth, though some aspects of the process are much simpler in foster adoptions, in comparing experiences with fellow adoptive parents between foster-adoptive homestudies and private or agency homestudies, the homestudy process is usually much more intensive with foster adoptions.

That's not to say I wouldn't recommend foster-adoption. I am hoping that I am on my second foster-adoption as we speak (we are waiting to find out whether we'll be able to adopt dfd). I obviously am glad for my foster adoption. I just haven't found all that much about the emotional experience, and even much of the process, to be anything I would qualify as "easy."

I was talking to a friend of mine last night, who has foster/adopted her granddaughter and is trying to adopt another granddaughter whom has just turned 3 and parental rights were terminated over a year ago. She has had the baby since she was 12 days old. She informed me that she would consider the first adoption as easy compared to this one. Adoptions are taking place in the same state and county. She says the difference is the adoption workers. Her first adoption worker is the same one that handled both of my adoptions. I have to say he was great.

[pumpkingirl71]

Our daughter's adoption (so far, we finalize in March!). Emotionally, it has been the hardest thing I have ever done I have such mixed feelings about talking about it. Dd is always with me, so it isn't really an option anyway. I don't want to paint it as rosy, but the truth is very hard to talk about. So maybe I am feeding some perception that adoption is easy?

Originally Posted by Sierra

That's not to say I wouldn't recommend foster-adoption. I am hoping that I am on my second foster-adoption as we speak (we are waiting to find out whether we'll be able to adopt dfd). I obviously am glad for my foster adoption. I just haven't found all that much about the emotional experience, and even much of the process, to be anything I would qualify as "easy."

[frog]

We're at the beginning of the foster (both regular foster and foster-to-adopt) process--thanks to all of you who are talking about it. It's helping me tremendously!

[DeannaK]

Adoption can be so draining, even under "ideal" circumstances (if there is such a thing). We have decided that the emotional roller coaster of TTC again will be our first choice for baby #2. Second choice....I'm leaning towards foster/adopt, but that opinion could change within the hour.