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i am sad - Important Relationship Question! please answer - Page 2

post #21 of 26
Originally Posted by Amris View Post
I said selective vaccination. I'm sincerely sorry that your child died.

However, all I have seen on the vaccination area is correlation, not causation on most of the vaccines. In fact, in general, I see them all linked together... "well, the child was vaccinated with all this, and had a reaction to that, therefor all vaccinations are bad." That is hysteria, not science.

I understand that the board in general is against vaxing. However, I think that it would be wise to take things on an individual basis, rather than simply throw everything out because of a few bad bits.
So let's assume you are right, and there are only "a few bad bits" in regards to vaccines. Which, by the way, I do not believe you are. What it sounds like you are saying is that just because some kids die sometimes, it really doesn't matter, because vaccines are *important*. I am seriously offended. You are saying my daughter was an acceptable loss.

If you honestly believe the only problem with vaxes is thimerisol, you owe yourself and your children many more hours of research. Spend some time on the vax board, where people can point you to the CDC's own numbers, which prove exactly what they claim is not so.

Are you purposefully trying to be inflammatory? Your whole post came off that way.
post #22 of 26
Originally Posted by Amris View Post

So do show me some actual scientific statistics on how all these kids ended up with autism prior to the known causes being introduced. I'd really appreciate a valid scientific source with data, not an anecdotal one, please.
Here is one showing that measles may have an impact in autism, which is found in the MMR vaccine(which has never contained THimerosal/mercury).
post #23 of 26
I had a whirlwind romance in 2003... married the guy 6 months after we met. He "appeared" to love everything about me, my 5 year old son, and all of the alternative approaches I took to raising my son. Even if he did not agree per se, we agreed to disagree. That all changed the minute he moved into my house 3 weeks before the wedding...

He took over and started to bully and verbally assault me and my son. Told me my friends were crazy, that I was crazy, took my homeopathy references and parenting books and put them under the bed ("I don't want to see these"), kicked my son out of the family bed without transition, and started in on a campaign of punitive and emotionally damaging "discipline." Passive aggressive not speaking to us for days... prisoners in our own home.

I got pregnant 6 weeks into the marriage, and spent 9 months having panic attacks because of the monster I managed to marry. My dd is now 28 months, and we are in the middle of what started out as an amicable divorce. Now he is after my house. It is all a freakin' nightmare!

My message is this: listen to your gut abouth this dp of yours... 6 weeks before the wedding we travelled to see my family for 5 days. The way he treated me and my son while we were there set off HUGE alarms in my head, but I chalked it up to travel and pre-wedding nerves. The night after the wedding I saw more of his moodiness and crazy behavior and my stomach just sank. I just assumed the "nerves" would get better. Then the pregnancy, and 2.5 years of emotional assault.

Not to be a party pooper, but weigh carefully how well you can negotiate with this partner when you disagree on a lot of your core beliefs and values.

By the way, even though the divorce is getting nasty now, I have never been healthier and stronger and willing to fight for the best interest of my children!
post #24 of 26
Thread Starter 

ps I love your baby's name! Did you get it from Lady in the Water?[/QUOTE]

I didn't know that was in there-haven't seen the movie yet. I just love to read and it popped into my head. At first it sounded odd but I promptly feel in love with it. People are so silly tho criticising it. "No one will ever take her seriously with a name like that!" LOL.
post #25 of 26
relationships take work and both parties are always both involved. even if someone feels attacked (with these kinds of issues) they are also reacting with less grace than possible. this is from someone who has reacted all sorts of ways. i've been with my dh for almost 14 years and it has been great, hard, terrible, peaceful, and now amazing. we have really grown together. having a partner can help create balance for some people.

it is common for the mammas to be more concerned about diet, to do baby related research and for the dads to tend towards a doctors opinion.

it is also common for new parents to have disagreements like these. that's why having kids suddenly makes us into adults, LOL.

there is no couple that agrees on all issues and habits. what is more important is working on your communication with each other and keeping trust, faith and respect towards fully ACCEPTING that you are the way you each are. i accept and love you but i disagree even though you think you are right, and i love you for it. willingness to try to understand each other is more important than agreeing. acknowledging each others comfort is important.

there are many levels of communication between people. to start, people tend to be visual, auditory, or physical. i can easily forget something my dh has said to me, and i tend to be more careless with what i say. but if it is written down, i get things more accurately. i need a map, and he needs the directions told to him. so we have had to work on this transfer of understanding.
the more i have learned about myself, the better i have learned to communicate how i feel to others.

the johari window is just an example of how tricky communication can be.

i also highly rec the book: five love languages for mates.

so say concerning the vax issue. you would need to acknowledge his fears and limitations. most people are happy with medicine having a godlike quality in that people would have lesser responsibility. it may make him crazy knowing there is something he can do to protect your dd from harm, because that is most people's perception of vax. it's no fun to live with someone feeling crazy about something they want to control, even if you don't agree. he needs to feel you will totally hear him, that he is safe from you attacking his weaknesses, before you can possibly convince him otherwise. depending on a doctor is a source of comfort at different levels for most people in the current western world. it is a technical weakness, and you are asking him to quit being weak by not vaxing which is very scary for him. talking abt no vax typically sounds negligent in this world, when really it is about making an informed decision.

i find his threat likely to be empty. it is just talk cos he felt threatened and threatened back. if he truly did not trust you, i am sure you would probably not be in this relationship in the first place.

the vegetarianism can possibly make him feel judged, and incapacitated as a daddy. i'm just suggesting possible viewpoints here!!!!!

i also suggest not talking so long term. it is scary to commit to what partner wants for forever, no matter how much you adore them or want to. even if it is the same result by going day by day - talking in long term or absolute can make any of us feel trapped.

i have found that parenting a world i can breathe in.....is where we feel we are doing our best, that this is the best decision we are capable of now (even decisions to do nothing), knowing that we can always adapt or change our outlook later.
you don't have to decide it all now. more better is to be getting along so that if crisis occurs you can figure it out together without getting so upset.

what is harder (from my observation) for some male partners to understand, is how these types of decisions, how to mother, are part of our identity as a person. so when they reject these ideas, we feel they are rejecting us. plus we ladies are all tending towards sensitive and sleep deprived and lacking adult conversation.....so when we say this is how it is going to be, we are using the mamma trump card, and they feel they have no say as daddies, that we are rejecting their opinion, and often they have no idea how much we have invested in the mamma identity, since it is inherently biological.

there are no guarantees with life. it is more about faith and forgiveness in each other regardless. i ain't saying it is easy. but let's say there was a partner that seems to be more in agreement at the beginning. there is no way to know they will have the same lifestyle as you later, and after baby. there is now way to promise how you will feel ten years from now. and after man of us have kids growing up bigger and bigger, we relax a little more about these issues because of the world we live in. even if you were both veg, that does not mean your kid would never want to try meat, and you could go crazy keeping her home when she is 7 just to protect that.

besides, having a partner that just agrees and does everything you want can get dull.

there's my lecture for the day, LOL. (hide) for writing so much.
post #26 of 26
I know how you feel. I am much "crunchier" then my dh. However, the longer we are together, the "crunchier" he gets. Can't say for sure if yours will be the same, but maybe. But I do still make compromises with him. He LOVES beef. It disgusts me. So, sometimes I buy him a steak, and he cooks it, and cleans up when he's done, and its not a problem for me, and he is happy! True, I would prefer to not have the smell drifting through the house, but its better then him feeling like his needs don't matter. He has let me make most of the descisions with the girls because I am the one with them all the time. So that has worked out in my favor, however, we still have to be able to make other descisions together. So bottomline, Its important to be able to talk about things without screaming and/or hurting eachother because realtionships are ALOT of talking and descisons. I think counseling is always a good idea if you can find a good counselor. I know how hard it can be to have such conflicting views, just listen to your intuition, and it should take care of you.
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