sometimes caring so much makes me "burn-out" :(

[*mama moose*]

A friend of mine who I tried to help, just told me tonight that she stopped breastfeeding her DD, who is one day older than my DD. I feel bad for her and for the baby, but mostly I just feel so burned out that I try and try to promote BFing and don't see any change. I invested soooo much time and money into trying to make Bfing work for her, I made her a sling, I looked up info for her online and in books I have, I watched her nurse to see if her latch was bad, I even bought her two bottles of fenugreek out of my own money (which is in short supply at the moment). She said her doctor put her on meds for punmonia (sp?) and she "dried up". I just want to yell at that doctor and yell at the hospital people who screwed up breastfeeding for them in the first place, and yell at the formula companies who make women think its "just as good". ugh. I'm working towards becomming a Lactation Educator and then maybe a LC, but after tonight I'm just feeling like I can't handle it. She got really sad when I was nursing my DD, but then seemed perfectly content with the whole thing as she propped a bottle in her DDs carseat :
I tried to say nice things like "well, you made it a lot farther than a lot of women" and "any mommy milk is good for her, be thankful she got 5 months of it to give her a good start in life." and she said she knows she made a lot of mistakes this time and wont make them again (such as giving DD formula in the hospital), but I just felt like crying the whole night. I just wanted to nurse her DD right then and there.
thanks for reading my sad vent. anyone else feel like this sometimes? I think my DH just thinks im too sensitive.

[Momtwice]

Well then it sounds like dh might not be the best person to discuss it with.

It is true that LC's have to make peace with the idea that some people will not listen and will wean.

When I feel discouraged I channel that energy into helping a mom on the web. The "Breastfeeding" board here has moms with questions and they don't always all get answered.

Also if you are feeling burned out do something to pamper yourself or that brings you joy so you have more to give.


I understand.

[witchbaby]

i feel you. i sometimes have to shut myself off to a certain point so i don't hurt so much when i feel i've "failed" another baby. s

[ThreeBeans]

Ouch

I would encourage her, however, to NOT bottle prop. Besides the physical danger, let her know she can still nuture and love on her baby by 'bottlenursing'.

[wanderlost]

I totally sense where you're coming from. For various health reasons, ds was bottle fed bm for 2 months and then I stopped and gave him formula. I would have kept pumping, but had no idea I was doing it wrong, and so as his need increased, my supply was decreasing. Now that I am nursing dd with no end in sight, I feel soooo guilty for not doing better with ds, for not knowing more, for not turning to LLL, etc. So I sent an email to both of my brothers, who do not yet have kids, but who have the sorts of fiancees that I fear would NOT choose to bf, and expounded on how importnant I think it is to bf, how wonderful bm is, and how badly I feel that ds didn't get more of my milk....and even though they don't even have kids yet, it absolutely breaks my heart to think that their babes (any babies!) might not be bfed....I know I will put the same effort into their babies as you did with your friend.

good for you for being such a caring person.

[*mama moose*]

you guys are so awesome
thats a really good idea about answering the questions on the board. I have that huge textbook "breastfeeding and human lactation", so I feel like I have a wealth of info at my fingertips....
and on the bright side, that baby got a whole extra month of breastmilk because I helped her when she wanted to quit over a month ago.
I try to tell her really gently about the dangers of bottle propping, but all her friends do it so she doesn't think its a big deal. She was a mom that pumped for outings too, so shes been bottle propping for a long time now The baby can almost hold it herself now, so I guess thats the bright side of that.....trying to be optomistic here....

[Slightlycrunchymama]

I just got toally slammed on a local board and told that I only come there to make people feel bad for stuff like this. Thats why im lurking on here right now lol.
I do care too much. I need to learn to let stuff go and mind my own business, but its really really hard.

[My4Boys]

Feeling a little burned out too right now. I visit a mainstream board and feel like I've made a big diference in the breastfeeding relationships and perceptions there and a definate improvement on the breastfeeding advice. So I began to venture out of my safe breastfeeding board and tackle the sleep/schedule/CIO questions on the baby board. I've retreated in temporary defeat.

[sapphire_chan]

She went straight to bottle-propping? Isn't wanting to be separate from your baby a PPD sign?

I have no idea what, if anything, you could/should do in that case, but it would mean that there's an underlying issue to her stopping breastfeeding--and it's not that you didn't do enough or anything else like that.

[formerluddite]

my SIL (BIL's wife) said she wanted to bf while she was pregnant with her first, then she had an awful pregnancy and was induced/sectioned at 37wks for intrauterine growth retardation, baby got bottles in the hospital and would never latch properly. i spent so much time on the phone, sent books, called to get a local LLLleader name, couldn't sleep, stressed a lot since i could feel it being a losing battle, trying to help from 4,000 miles away.

18mos later, when their dd2 was born she and i had a conversation about how bfing was going, and how wonderful it is when it goes well. she sounded like she really was happy bfing. imagine my suprise when i later heard she weaned at less than a month. her mom and sister both bottle fed, grandma slept with the baby. she probably went with the local flow, or else was just telling me what she thought i wanted to hear to avoid conflict.

that's when i learned not to become emotionally invested in others' bfing success. i just set an example, offer help, and then step back. it's not under my control, and it's too frustrating wanting things for others that they don't want for themselves.

[noodlegirl]

I feel the same way somtimes. There is a girl at church that is very anti-nursing in general. She just had another baby and of course refused to give him so much as colostrum. He has all kinds of issues now and whenever they bring him to church I just want to take that baby and nurse him. I literally feel like crying when I see him and she talks about him being sick and constipated etc and puts him on the prayer list.

I really should not care that much. I really is none of my business!:

[memory maker]

I have honestly quit caring. I have had way too many people not listen to a word that I said and then quit. Most of them started off with not having a good latch, but not wanting help from me or a LC because they wanted to "do it themselves" to prove they were a good mom. then it quicky turns to only pumping and giving expressed milk because "dad wants to feed the baby too." A short time later they are exclusively FFing. I have a few people that talk to me about how upset they are that bfing didnt work for them, but they didnt work on making it work. They didnt want help from me then (and were rude about it), so why should I care if they feel bad now? In some of these cases I spent hours looking up good info to help them succeed, but was treated like I have no idea what I was talking about when presenting the info

[naturelover]

I've been in your shoes many times before...and it is frustrating...but I finally realized that you can promote breastfeeding until you are blue in the face but the decision to take your advice lies in their hands. If they decide not to breastfeed or to wean early, it is not your fault...Just know that you are a great friend for having offered her so much support and I'm sure you are the reason why she stuck with breastfeeding for as long as she did...maybe if you weren't there for her, she would have weaned much sooner! Just don't give up and keep spreading the word that breastfeeding is best...I'm sure there will be more people who will listen than who won't!

[MomToKandE]

Yeah, I feel that way sometimes. My SIL had all the info but only gave bf a halfhearted try... I really had to work hard not to think less of her over that... I finally got to where I could let go but it took some doing.

I had another friend that really tried but she had several other issues at work (preemie, c-section, high blood pressure, PPD, flat nipples, you name it she truly had it). She tried but in the end she ended up going to formula after only 4 weeks or so. It was hard for me... and then I felt like dirt for even feeling that way!

[formerluddite]

i was thinking that this burnout feeling overlaps to a lot of NFL issues: CIO, cosleeping, vax, homeopathy, medicalized interventionist pregnancy/birth... when i first "saw the light" of these non-mainstream ideas, or rather saw the dangers/negative side to the mainstream approach, i would try to be an advocate for my IRL friends and show them the (better, IMO) alternatives. they then go ahead with planned inductions that lead to C/S, lots of antibiotic use, CIO because the baby wakes SO MUCH (3x/night at 4 mos : ) and they can't take it...

thank goodness we have MDC and each other when we feel all alone in our approach, and we can go back to talking about cute things our kids do, movies, the weather, IL's, etc. with our IRL crowd.