Ever feel like you don't belong here (MDC)?

[snuggly mama]

As I sit here crying after what someone has said elsewhere on MDC, I realize how isolated to the SN board I feel (you all are wonderful, so that's not a complaint!). What I'm trying to say is that because of dd's medical issues, we often have to make choices for her that are really not in line with NFL. I don't do herbs or other homeopathic remedies because so much of that can interact with her drugs. I don't "wait and see" when she has a fever. I rely heavily on western medicine and am grateful for it every single morning when I go in to see my daughter sleeping and alive. It's just so incredibly painful to have those decisions judged all the time. I don't consider myself a mainstream parent. I try incredibly hard to be an attached, thoughtful parent and to live as naturally as possible in our circumstances. To be judged for situations beyond my control is agonizing.

Does this happen to others or am I just too sensitive?

[grypx831]

I don't post on this board usually, just lurk, but I wanted to offer a hug. People who don't have special needs kids have no idea what it's like to have to make those choices and have a tendancy to stick their foot in their mouth because of it. IMO you are just as welome/entitled to be here as anyone else. It's great to have NFL "ideals", but sometimes they need to take a backseat to reality.

Keep doing what you're doing. You're just as good as a mother as anyone else . Some people just need lessons in compassion and empathy.

[RiverSky]

I'm not a special needs parent but I think that often, posters might be assuming that your situation is just like their situation, when it is not.

Unfortunately, to post personal stuff at MDC, I've found that you sometimes have to have a thick skin and remember, that there are always posters who will complain about practically everything and anything. If you stick it out, hopefully you'll figure out a way to get your needs and support met without letting yourself get hurt by those with other opinions.

FYI, I don't know what happened in the other thread, so I'm just speaking generally.

[MillingNome]

Ikwym. I stopped going to church for that reason. It wasn't so much the religious side- I have a super cool church. The "problem" was that there were seven or so of us pregnant within the same few months. It was fun to be pg with em all but after the babies were born, I loathed church. They would all sit around and talk about what their children were doing. Yippi skippi Hard to feel mean in church but I managed to. Their kids were all cooing and looking around. And then they were all pointing and playing patty-cakes. And then there were the scoots, crawls and first steps. Not to mention of course the first words, sentences and songs. It burned me in a way I never thought I could feel. It stunned me how horrible I cried as my kid was not reaching those milestones and their babies were flying by them. Heck, my kid wouldn't look at me, did the infamous army crawl forever it seemed, the few words he said he lost word w/in a week, and heck he didn't even answer to his own name... fast foward eight years and I've learned to let it go.

I usually avoid the childhood board here at mcd just because my situation does not fit in there. He is so atypical- lol even for autism. I'll peak in from now and then but I never stay too long. I think all the boards here are great to be honest. It's just that not all of them give me what I need when I come here. Thank gawd for this board. I've learned soooooo much here it

[Blue Dragonfly]

Not a member of this board, but I just wanted to offer you hugs. I'm sorry you feel you have to defend your parenting choices.

BTW, I just read your post about vaccines, and while I am not a fan of vaccines, I totally understand why you would chose to vaccinate your DC. I don't vax, but I definetly would if my child was immune compromised (and I would vax my other children to protect that child.) The vax thing is all about risk benefit, in my opinion, and you have evaluated the risks for your family and made a decision, that I think is totally appropriate.

Hope I'm not out of line posting this, but I wanted to offer you support.

Rebecca

[teachermom]

I think that when you have a child with special needs, you have to broaden your view of attachment parenting and natural family living. you have to make choices that support your child's needs. I think attachment parenting is about the bonding we do with our children more that fitting a standard set by others. You parent the way that works for you child and your family.

[AngelBee]

[intorainbowz]

I hang out in the NICU/Preemie board.

I feel very similar at times. I've been attacked for giving Synagis, to prevent RSV. People have questioned that DD got bottles and HMF in NICU. People have questioned my C/S.

It is hard when you have made your decisions from a completely different space than others, and they won't look at your place, but what their view to be the correct one.



I try to remember why I come here and that the IGNORE feature is a wonderful thing.

[Finch]

It can be hard being here sometimes, that's for sure. What comforts me is this....knowing that I too used to be as judgemental and narrowminded as some of the people I see here, and knowing that it all changed is what gives me hope. It's easy to peer down your nose and see things in absolutes and black and white when you've never been forced to muddle your way through parenting's gray areas first hand. I just shake my head and take a deep breath and realize that one day, maybe not any time soon, but one day, they too will have that event in their life that shakes up their entire world view and makes them realize, "gee, I sure was/am a jerk for judging people like that, I really DON'T know it all and my way really ISN'T always best and the world really ISN'T black and white."

I kind of keep to this forum too for the same reasons. It gets old, people sitting on their high horses, peering down their noses at you and tsk tsk tsking for something they truly know nothing about.



ETA I'm sorely tempted to link this thread in my sigline, there are some particularly judgemental and holier than thou posters who really need to see it. :

[snuggly mama]

Thanks, everyone. I went back to the thread and tried to read it in a more compassionate spirit. That helped, as does realizing that because we are all talking about our children and our parenting, it's bound to be a bit heated around here sometimes!

[mama-a-llama]

Originally Posted by Finch

It gets old, people sitting on their high horses, peering down their noses at you and tsk tsk tsking for something they truly know nothing about.

Originally Posted by intorainbowz

It is hard when you have made your decisions from a completely different space than others, and they won't look at your place, but what their view to be the correct one.

Yeah. Maybe this is really a topic for another thread, but is this kind of thing ableism? Or is it just judgmental?

[intorainbowz]

I encounter this IRL as well. Don't get me going on the lady at chuch who preaches VBAC to me like it is gospel truth, when she knows nothing in my medical history, and has not responded to a direct "I believe my OB when she says that a VBAC would not be the wisest course." I feel no need to get into my reasons with EVERY one, KWIM?

Oh, BTW, I'm not innocent of this at all. I do this too.

Originally Posted by mama-a-llama

Yeah. Maybe this is really a topic for another thread, but is this kind of thing ableism? Or is it just judgmental?

Both I believe. Defensiveness and denial also comes into play. I mean if "this" could happen to any of us, it could happen to them.

They had uncomplicated pregnancies, so there is something deficient in those of use who had complications.

They are doing fine with "alternative" treatments, why does this not work for us too?

As their lives have never been faced with the choices we have had to make, they have no idea how they would really respond. They know how they think they would respond, and post on that.

People also get tunnel vision. They get focused on that point and go from there.... I KNOW I do this. I've posted when I'm tunnel vision focused on NICU, complications, etc.

[Finch]

Originally Posted by mama-a-llama

Yeah. Maybe this is really a topic for another thread, but is this kind of thing ableism? Or is it just judgmental?

I think it's just plain old judgemental. Peering down their noses. Seriously. They have a little checklist of things you must do to be deemed a worthwhile person, and if you don't fall into that little checklist, well then....you're just an ignorant "mainstream" (they like to throw that word around like it's something bad, too...) mom and clearly don't love your child or want the best for them.

It's the same mindset that people get in junior high school, if you ask me. I.e., "I can't be friends with her because she doesn't wear jordache jeans (yes I'm an 80's girl...) or doesn't know how to valley girl talk or eats all store brand food..." Just replace that with, "I can't be friends with her because she bottlefed/formula fed/used sposies/circed her son/had a c-section for a reason I deem invalid/vaxed her child/got an epidural/doesn't want to vbac/shops at walmart/votes republican...."

The list goes on and on and on. There's a lot of smugness here, and I find it ironic that people who claim to want to ascribe to being gentler, kinder people are so freaking judgemental and smug, when they get their knickers in a big ol' knot if someone tsk tsks them about NIP or babywearing or homebirth, etc..

People need to just realize that for the most part, we're just moms, trying to do our best, trying to make some sort of meaningful connection with other moms in the same boat, regardless of what life choices eachother have made that we do or don't agree with.

I say it all the time, and I'll say it again, having a special needs child has made me much much MUCH less judgemental. It's easy to say "why don't you just..." when you've never walked in that person's shoes. A lesson I had to learn the hard way.

[MyTwoAs]

Originally Posted by Finch

I say it all the time, and I'll say it again, having a special needs child has made me much much MUCH less judgemental. It's easy to say "why don't you just..." when you've never walked in that person's shoes. A lesson I had to learn the hard way.

This is exactly what I've discovered. Not that I necessarily knew I was being judgmental at the time but in hindsight I see several situations where I was. Some of the things I see posted here just make me shake my head and wish everyone could be 'enlightened' so-to-speak. I am very thankful for the SN parenting forum...more than I ever could say with just words.

[Finch]

Originally Posted by GC_Mom

This is exactly what I've discovered. Not that I necessarily knew I was being judgmental at the time but in hindsight I see several situations where I was. Some of the things I see posted here just make me shake my head and wish everyone could be 'enlightened' so-to-speak. I am very thankful for the SN parenting forum...more than I ever could say with just words.

ITA with that entire post.

[intorainbowz]

This experience of having a NICU baby (who, just give her time will be SN) has made me a kinder, more caring, softer soul. It has also made me tough as nails, fierce, and very protective of my family. I'm more easily wounded, but I stand and fight even so. Does that make sense...

(I say give her time she will be SN because of her birth, prematurity, and pregnancy, she will prolly have LD, ADD - both parents have this, and who knows what else. I'm not being pesimistic, just realistic. She is not exactly expected to read or write at 7 months.)

[Treasuremapper]

This is a great thread.

First -- s: to you for having to go through this. You know that you made the right decision for your child.

Dealing with this kind of judgemental oneupsmomship after my second dd was born with a birth defect, and my older dd had special needs involving sid (unbeknownst to me at the time) was brutal. I was devastated. People who meant well said things that hurt so much I was just reeling. I could give examples, but I am too paranoid. But it was as though the world was divided into people who got it and people who didn't get it. Sadly, tragically, the only people who seemed to get it were people in the medical profession and people who had been through something similar. Everyone else, even my own family, was clueless.

Really, it was kind of sickening to realize that just a few months earlier I was just as judgemental and totally lacked empathy and understanding, even though I thought I knew everything and thought that I could even imagine what others were going through. Kid went through surgery? It would be so off my self centered radar that I would forget to ask about it. Now, when I hear about a kid going through surgery it is all I can do not to appear in the hospital myself. I think about the little kid who just went through brain surgery on this board every day. My world is different. I wish my eyes never had to have been opened in this way... I wish there were a way my eyes could have been opened without having to see children suffer.

[keljo05]

I'm going to jump in here for a min if no one minds. The title of the thread has had me reading several times today. I am a quiet, rare poster on MDC. The reason for this is because of the judgements some people make. I chose not to open myself up to that because to me this is a pleasurable time spent on me, not a time to upset or anger myself if I feel I have to defend myself. I am making choices in my soon to be parenthood that many would not like. As a pp said I am making the choices the best I can for specific reasons. What amazes me is the number of posts I see where a person is not considered 'worthy' of friendship for having different ways of parenting. Why not lead by example and enjoy the benefits of a friendship that may have other benefits? As far as offering advice and judgment on situations I know nothing about - I keep my mouth shut. You;re right. If I haven't had to live thru something then I don't understand. I'm one of those women mentioned above with an uncomplicated, easy pregnancy. I have been fortunate to have a reamarkably easy physical pregnancy. And let me tell you I never forget that fact or forget to give thanks for it. However what I have to endure is overwhelming cycles of severe depression. I get judged on that all the time if I try to explain it. No one gets that this is a condition related to my pregnancy. i t was not there prior. This was a planned pg so even that doesn't factor in. Because I have been critisized for 'being blue' ( not an accurate description) I would never place judgement on anyone else.

sigh - let me put my soapbox away and go back to being a quiet member here, lol. Thanks for letting me add my .02

[snuggly mama]

Nice to meet you, keljo05! I also understand the hesitancy to post on the boards with any real frequency (except here, of course!). I've been a member for a long time, but have a small post count because I find that a lot of times, I can't jump into a conversation that is so negative. If I limited myself to friendships with people only like me, I'd be a lonely, close-minded individual. I learn a lot from people who walk in shoes that are not like mine, and I value their experiences.

Especially in relation to having a child w/SN, I find that many of the deeply held tenets of NFL/AP just can't work for me. I will not risk dd's life or well-being to uphold an ideal. In different circumstances, with a healthy, typical child, I might have the freedom to make other choices. But the fact of the matter is, like so many of us here, I often have to sacrifice choice for reality.

[BusyMommy]

Thank you for posting! We ALL need reminders that we really can't judge unless we've been in someone else's position before. It's great to offer advice & suggestions in a supportive way but nothing in life is black and white. And/but just like IRL everyone feels differently about that.


Personally, I just stay away or stay quiet in certain areas. I'd say we all need to toughen up a little bit but that sounds too cynical.

So, no advice here but just know you're not alone and people often speak from ignorance or blind passion.