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Ever feel like you don't belong here (MDC)? - Page 2

post #21 of 81
I've seen this behavior over and over again in several boards on here
I've also seen it on just about every other mommy site there is.
Sad how women act when you get them all together.

I'm never in this forum because I don't belong in the SN group, but just happend to see the title and say hey! Someone else feels the same!
post #22 of 81
I think how a person feels about being here depends a bit on how much you personalize negative commentary.

Over time I've gotten better at ignoring unpleasant stuff and focusing more on what's helpful and useful for me - of which there is much! I used to be a lot more inclined to react to comments that were challenging. Just the sheer size of this community means that you're going to run into widely varying opinions. Now I'm much more likely to just write off the person's opposing viewpoint and get back on track talking about what I like.

It's a little bit simplistic, but I think that the reality is that in a lot of situations if you look for adversaries, you'll find them. If you look for friendship, you'll find that instead.
post #23 of 81
Quote:
Originally Posted by Finch View Post
I say it all the time, and I'll say it again, having a special needs child has made me much much MUCH less judgemental. It's easy to say "why don't you just..." when you've never walked in that person's shoes. A lesson I had to learn the hard way.
I'm very much with you on this. But also want to say, this became true for me just becoming a parent, SN or not. I have friends with only typically developing children who agree. When you have children, you learn that everything is not just about you and your opinions and ideals. It's about this separate little person who has his/her own will and unique needs. I think if a person remains so judgmental of other people's parenting choices after having children, it's a character flaw, plain and simple.

Before I knew my DS1 was SN I posted in support of a mom looking for help with a gentle approach to helping her baby sleep through the night. My DS1 was a horrible sleeper as a baby (then DS2 came along and I learned what horrible sleeping really is ) I had done what I felt was a gentle approach to sleep learning with my DS, so I posted my experience. I got seriously judged for that. I later found out the person who had been so terribly judgmental - and I mean really raked me over the coals for it - had two babies who slept through the night on their own within four weeks of being born! Um, hello! She had no idea what it was like to be desperately sleep-deprived or for her children to be sleep-deprived and need help. The audacity astounded me. So it's not just SN issues, although obviously these are bigger and lead to more needs for creative approaches to gentle, natural parenting.

I don't go anywhere but here anymore. And I love you guys
post #24 of 81
Quote:
Originally Posted by inezyv View Post
Now, when I hear about a kid going through surgery it is all I can do not to appear in the hospital myself. I think about the little kid who just went through brain surgery on this board every day. My world is different. I wish my eyes never had to have been opened in this way... I wish there were a way my eyes could have been opened without having to see children suffer.
Beautifully said - and I feel the same.
post #25 of 81
There is stuff I do b/c of my son's autism that I would never do otherwise. But, I do what's best for my SON, not for the random faceless people in cyberspace. Maybe I've got a tough skin, I don't know. If you know you're doing what's best for your family- screw it if someone tells you you're garbage. YOU KNOW YOU'RE NOT!! WE know you're not. THEY don't know what you live through and most of us wouldn't wish our bad days on anyone, but they also don't know the joys of our good days.

AP isn't about a checklist of what you must or must not do, it's about being an attached, in tune PARENT for your child and that's what we're all doing.

Hang in there and don't let a few bad apples spoil the bunch~
post #26 of 81
I've felt this at times, and wondered if it was just me. I've experienced it IRL too. It's an interesting dichotomy, because I've felt like some who judge others over x, y, z are the same ones who can get all riled up in indignation over "How dare someone judge me over x, y, and z?" if that makes sense. I don't know how to make people understand that just because their life choices are right for them don't make them right for everybody, so mostly I try to ignore it. Although sometimes it makes me want to say, "Wow, you win at motherhood." as if there were such a thing.
post #27 of 81
Quote:
Originally Posted by Finch View Post
I say it all the time, and I'll say it again, having a special needs child has made me much much MUCH less judgemental. It's easy to say "why don't you just..." when you've never walked in that person's shoes. A lesson I had to learn the hard way.
Very very true. I can think back to when I was pregnant with Owen or when he was a baby saying I would never do XYZ and how bad XYZ was. Now.... haha.... boy, if I knew then what I know why I'd have shut my mouth One thing that really stands out is the use of "harnesses". I used to swear up and down those things were evil and, ya know, what kind of parent can't keep track of their child? And then my son got older and I got a bit wiser (and kicked myself in the a$$ for having talked down about those lifesavers). You will now find me defending the use of them all over this board

Quote:
Originally Posted by shelbean91 View Post
There is stuff I do b/c of my son's autism that I would never do otherwise. But, I do what's best for my SON, not for the random faceless people in cyberspace. Maybe I've got a tough skin, I don't know. If you know you're doing what's best for your family- screw it if someone tells you you're garbage. YOU KNOW YOU'RE NOT!! WE know you're not. THEY don't know what you live through and most of us wouldn't wish our bad days on anyone, but they also don't know the joys of our good days.

AP isn't about a checklist of what you must or must not do, it's about being an attached, in tune PARENT for your child and that's what we're all doing.

Hang in there and don't let a few bad apples spoil the bunch~
Ditto this whole post. If most other MDC mamas were to peek into my day there's a good chance they would be horrified by what they saw. Just because they don't understand what it's like to live in my shoes. Take for example- getting ready to leave the house. Yeah, MDC moms say all the time to give plenty of warning, let the child choose what to wear, let the child help get dressed, blah blah blah. But none of that actually WORKS for Owen. What does work is gathering everything I'm going to need, holding him down and wrestling with him while dressing him. By the end he's screaming, I'm worn out and on the verge of tears, but he's dressed. Success! Repeat in 12 hours when it's time for bed I think a lot of people get into the mindset that it worked for them so surely it will work for everyone.
post #28 of 81
mama
Having a special needs child just generally makes a parent more sensitive imo.

This is a great thread and so many things that have been said ITA with - - especially about the part about being narrow-minded, judgemental and unenlightened before becoming a special needs mom.

When I first joined MDC I remember a post about someone complaining about a boy they saw in a stroller in a mall who was <gasp> watching a dvd! <gasp> while the mom was shopping.

I responded to that post saying, gee, I'm really sorry for that kid who doesn't get a chance to interact w/people or his surroundings.

I was sitting in total judgement and not realizing that that boy could've had SID or any number of other things that may have been alleviated by the simple use of a dvd for 1/2 hour or whatever.

I'm sorry that I used to feel that way, but I feel blessed to have my SN dd who has enlightened me in more ways than one!
post #29 of 81
Thank you for your post. I can relate to much of it!

I've been around awhile, but as you can see by my post count, I don't post much. I've posted in this forum a time or two but mostly I just read. I'm a learning mama!
post #30 of 81
yeah, there are somethings I just dont post out loud.

I choose to not wrestle and debate the fact that my 18 month old no longer nurses. He drinks medical food. My milk made him scream and cry and fail to grow, no matter what i eliminated from my diet, and believe me I was commited to CLW.

He drinks 35 cal/oz medical food without pain!! Praise God for medical food!

My little guy has developmental issues, and we are getting used to the comments.

I am so sorry you've felt unwelcome at MDC.

I think I was fortunate b/c I had a strong base at MDC before I had my ds, and we didnt know he would have issues until he was a few months old. So I had a good DDC that I bonded with, and they walked me through his hhard months of FTT and struggles.
post #31 of 81
To what all the PP have said. I tend to stay out of the Parenting(infant/baby) forums. They just don't get it there. I usually post here, sewing, News/Politcs.

ETA - Another thing that upsets me about MDC is the Medical Doctor/medical community bashing that goes on here (and the medicine). Without medical intervention, my daughter would be in terrible pain and probably would never walk. With her surgerys she is not in any pain and will be able to walk with her DAFO.
post #32 of 81
I'm definitely more of a lurker here than a poster. I'll introduce myself again sometime (I did a while ago) and update my story eventually. I think what it comes down to is that as parents we all do the best with what we have been given. Some of us are lucky and can make all the ideal choices and have it be exactly how we dreamed it would be. Others of us have to weigh all the options and make the best choice that we can given the challenges our kids face. It may not fall into the "perfect" choice, but for any given circumstance we are making the BEST choice. For me it is often difficult to be 100% comfortable with the decision of one med versus another, to vax, to stop bfing to start a special diet. All of those things go against what I truly want to do as a mom and have done with my other son. It is not easy to make decisions that go against how you have always thought you would raise your kids. To have others judge you without knowing your story really minimizes the thought and extensive weighing of options we as parents of kids with SN have to do.
post #33 of 81
Quote:
Originally Posted by Finch View Post
The list goes on and on and on. There's a lot of smugness here, and I find it ironic that people who claim to want to ascribe to being gentler, kinder people are so freaking judgemental and smug, when they get their knickers in a big ol' knot if someone tsk tsks them about NIP or babywearing or homebirth, etc..


I avoid MDC for days sometimes for this reason... but always come back as I have learned sooo much. But I also don't post much for the same reason. Fear of getting attacked or judged.
I feel so lucky that although most of my IRL friends are also members and regular posters here at MDC they "get it." They do understand that things are different for every parent and we are all just making the best, thoughtful choices we can.
I wonder often if those that seem so judgemental online could possible be like my friends and understand more when they see the situation IRL?
post #34 of 81
I really only stick to this board - unless I'm looking for something specific in the NFL lifestyle.

stuff edited out to keep within the U/A hence the choppiness of the post

I've also been dealing with this on a different group I belong to. A parent asked about whether or not to say something to a person she knows as she thinks the person's child might be autistic. Well, one person writes with that they think all of this diagnosing and labeling is just stupid and that 3/4th's of the kids who are labeled, etc, could get along just fine if left to their own devices to develop at their own pace. Yeah, I gave them thoughts to chew on

But I LOVE this board. The regular posters here are very nice, very understanding and very NOT judgemental. Also, what I like about this board is that no one treats their child as a disease first, child second. I've seen that on a lot of other boards and with other SN moms I know IRL - it's all about the syndrome and doctor's appointments and problems and therapies - you don't hear "Oh, little Johnny was so funny, all covered in oatmeal" or "Megan loved the merry-go-round." They don't laugh at stuff like how we have a warped sense of humor or in the "Autism is Expensive" thread, the Visa commercial take off. I like that about this board.
post #35 of 81
Haven`t read any replies yet.

I just wanted to give you a hug. :

My son is not SN, atleast not diagnosed. (He has SID issues, higly sensitive issues and anxiety issues. But no diagnose.) But I have definitely seen what you are talking about on different boards here. And it makes me sad.
I think you have to live with an SN child to understand the why`s and how`s of your life. To judge a person for doing what they NEED to do is not ok, in my book. We all have different struggles, and I for one trust that we all to what we feel is the best we can do.

(And even I, with my non-diagnosed child, sometimes do things I maybe wouldn`t have done if he had been different, less intense, less sensitive etc.)

Another hug for you: :

Now I will read the rest of this thread.
post #36 of 81
Quote:
Originally Posted by grypx831 View Post
I don't post on this board usually, just lurk, but I wanted to offer a hug. People who don't have special needs kids have no idea what it's like to have to make those choices and have a tendancy to stick their foot in their mouth because of it. IMO you are just as welome/entitled to be here as anyone else. It's great to have NFL "ideals", but sometimes they need to take a backseat to reality.

Keep doing what you're doing. You're just as good as a mother as anyone else . Some people just need lessons in compassion and empathy.

:
post #37 of 81
Quote:
Originally Posted by melikahiwa View Post
I've seen this behavior over and over again in several boards on here
I've also seen it on just about every other mommy site there is.
Sad how women act when you get them all together.

I'm never in this forum because I don't belong in the SN group, but just happend to see the title and say hey! Someone else feels the same!
We're not truly special needs (are in PT; had the helmet), but saw the OP's post and wanted to comment. I recently wrote my most harsh reply on a thread about gestational diabetes where some posters were trying to tell the concerned OP how to cheat the test. As someone who had gestational diabetes and now insulin resistance I was really disturbed by their posts. And, some of the advice for "eating healthy" really were not correct for that particular sitation. I mentioned the "competition" to be the most alternative I see on here can be dangerous for some people. Not all mainstream treatments are bad!

That said, I also wanted to comment, in light of the post I quoted above, that I sometimes post on a site about movies and television, and people get in serious arguments over characters in sit-coms, of all things! But, whenever I look to an argumentative poster's other posts I usually find that they are just out for an argument going from board to board. Sad, really.

So, please don't let others who don't understand your situation keep you from communicating with those who do. It's a lot easier for people to make their alternative decisions for themselves and judge others in theory when they do not have similar real life decisions to make.
post #38 of 81
I have found I tend to hang out here and TAO for the most part because of comments I see too. I almost wish I hadn't been here on some days when I was starting to notice something was 'up' with ds because the boards here just fed into my denial, bigtime.

more later..nany &keybard issues
post #39 of 81
nany=baby hnh nak
jjjtsetsssssssssssssssssssnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn nnnnnnnnnnnnn
post #40 of 81
There are elitists, purists, snobs and fundamentalists in most walks of life. The crunchy community is not immune to this.

Sorry you've been hurt. I've felt judged by others before, and I know it's uncomfortable or downright painful sometimes. And I care less about what others think than a lot of people do.
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