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Ever feel like you don't belong here (MDC)? - Page 3

post #41 of 81
You really can't win, I constantly catch flack for being the other extreme. We choose not to use medical means for things (especially our ds' asthma) and don't do therapies for his ASD. It is the approach that we have chosen for HIM based on HIS needs. Its not a competition. I hate the constant battle for who is the most NFL/AP/whatever. If the only thing that kept him well was the most medicalized approach on the planet I imagine I would be researching my butt off to find the best medical team I could find. Life is adaptable that way.

There is no race, no competition, no prize for the best approach. The winners are the ones who keep the needs of their individual child front and centre. The one who don't make the choice that is best for themselves, but who take the approach that is truly right for the child at hand. And sometimes those choices are hard. People who don't have to make those choices really can't understand that day-to-day life is just different.

Sorry you felt judged, that never feels good. Just looking at your precious dd lets you know why you do what you do, but it would be nice to have that validated sometimes
post #42 of 81
I haven't read all the responses but I can offer you my sympathy and a hug.

Without pharmaceuticals life in this house would be a living hell. I don't talk about our situation online much because I know that nobody who doesn't live with my child day in and day out is in any position to offer me advice.

Don't look for validation about your medical choices here, you know in your heart that the things you do for your child make your family's life better.

Relying on western medicine does not make you any less "crunchy" or natural than anyone on this board. We all use the tools that work best for us in life.
post #43 of 81
I'm sorry!

Without western medical care my child would have died. She will have plastic imbedded in her body for the rest of her life. The horror!! I know that she had to have it so I don't ever feel the need to defend myself. I am her mother, I am making the best choices I can for her and other than her dad, I really don't care what anyone thinks.

That said, it still really hurts sometimes when I catch the disapproving vibe. KWIM?

Lots of s.
post #44 of 81
Bleah, that 'what are you elitist about' thread in TAO is making me want to link to this one.

Must. sit. on. fingers.
post #45 of 81
I'm not a special needs parent- I would have been had my son lived. In that short time he was with us it opened our eyes to a lot. I admire special needs parents. You guys try so hard- work SO HARD and do SO MUCH. You didn't ask for what you were given. But you accept and love, and go with what you were given.

Yeah- I see how you can't be AP/NFL in ways that you might like- and that you might be more mainstream than you would otherwise be. BUT THAT DOES NOT FAULT YOU!!!!

My gods! You guys are the STRONGEST parents I think I will ever meet. You guys battle with doctors daily. Battle to better YOUR CHILDS life. You battle yourselves when you are down. You battle your children from time to time. You battle society. You battle to make society more aware.

PLEASE know- that while sometimes you may feel out of sorts at MDC --- there are parents here who really admire your strength.
post #46 of 81
Ds was snatched... or more to the point forcable extracted. Not a c/s but that would have been preferable for all he went through to get out The whole how ap/nfl discussions make me feel a little guilty sometimes, truth be told. Part of that guilt is good. Part of it is just guilt for guilt's sake, as in I can't do things that way. I have found this thread enlightening
post #47 of 81
I really just want to jackslap half the people on this board sometimes. Okay not half. But y'all know what I mean. The holier than thou best mommy in the world sorority posters. The ones who peer down their nose and make smug comments and judgements about everyone and everything that does not fall in line with their myopic world view.

It just kills me, so many here identify themselves as "progressive," yet their attitudes are anything BUT that. They are progressive as long as you agree with them. If you don't, well you're just an idiot/bad parent/abusive/horrible person.

Bleah.
post #48 of 81
Dumb Question- what's TAO?
post #49 of 81
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lesley77 View Post
Dumb Question- what's TAO?
Talk Amongst Ourselves, the general discussion forum waaaaaaaaaaaaaay down near the bottom of the list of forums.
post #50 of 81
Quote:
Originally Posted by Finch View Post
I really just want to jackslap half the people on this board sometimes. Okay not half. But y'all know what I mean. The holier than thou best mommy in the world sorority posters. The ones who peer down their nose and make smug comments and judgements about everyone and everything that does not fall in line with their myopic world view.

It just kills me, so many here identify themselves as "progressive," yet their attitudes are anything BUT that. They are progressive as long as you agree with them. If you don't, well you're just an idiot/bad parent/abusive/horrible person.

Bleah.
True. I just think 'what goes around comes around' and eventually they'll get their heads on straight. Of course, there are some who never are enlightened. I wish I could be that clueless sometimes.
post #51 of 81
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ambrose View Post
I'm not a special needs parent- I would have been had my son lived. In that short time he was with us it opened our eyes to a lot. I admire special needs parents. You guys try so hard- work SO HARD and do SO MUCH. You didn't ask for what you were given. But you accept and love, and go with what you were given.

Yeah- I see how you can't be AP/NFL in ways that you might like- and that you might be more mainstream than you would otherwise be. BUT THAT DOES NOT FAULT YOU!!!!

My gods! You guys are the STRONGEST parents I think I will ever meet. You guys battle with doctors daily. Battle to better YOUR CHILDS life. You battle yourselves when you are down. You battle your children from time to time. You battle society. You battle to make society more aware.

PLEASE know- that while sometimes you may feel out of sorts at MDC --- there are parents here who really admire your strength.

Thank you so much for your beautiful words. I know we all do try our hardest adn love our children, but when you're having a bad day and then someone comes along and ignorantly judges what you've done, well, it doesn't make your day better.

But it is nice to know that are are lovely women like yourself and the other non-SN's moms who have posted in support on this thread.
post #52 of 81
No one is grading us on crunchiness. We all feel strongly about what we believe in. I consider myself a crunchy ap. But you what....I work and vaxed my kids and OMG place amalgam restorations... I also co-sleep, BF, wore my children in slings, I've gone organic and I'll so no to circ. In some peoples minds I'd get a D+ in parenting. But I believe in the decisions that I have made for my children.

In terms of judging, I too have been guilty of judging. I have a neighbor who I called "the non breastfeeder" for the first year I knew her. I didn't get it. Why would you withhold liquid gold from your child? I couldn't imagine making that choice. I've gotten to know her in the last six months and she is one of the best parents I know. I have learned things from her. Her children are well adjusted and happy. Isn't that what we all really want?
post #53 of 81
To the OP-

I am sorry you felt judged, as that is such an awful feeling. I actually am a doc! A pediatrician, no less! I often feel harshly judged here.

Then I take a deep breath and realize that I am simply - always - trying to make the best decisions for my family at any given time. I am doing my best. There will always be those who disagree. (is this beginning to sound a bit like a mantra ?)

I admire your strength!
post #54 of 81
The reason this thread was pulled temporarily is that in its original form it violated the UA's rule to not talk about other threads or boards. However, it is SUCH a valuable, heartfelt thread and it needs to stay up.

I am going to be PMing those who I feel need to edit their posts to comply with the UA. Just try to make your wording more general and not point fingers to a specific thread or board.

Thanks so much for working with me on this.
post #55 of 81
To the OP:

When your child "doesn't fit the mold", people just don't understand.
MCD can be very harsh. I haven't been here in over a year or more for various reasons, but I want you to know YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

You are doing the best to parent and raise your child with all of the options in front of you...
You are doing a great job
post #56 of 81
I know totally how you feel. I've done so many "wrong" things with my child.

When she was born and I wasn't able to breastfeed enough, and not able to produce enough, I gave her formula rather than sit there and listen to her scream from pain in her little hungry tummy. I'm sorry, but there are worse things than supplementing with a bit of formula.

I sometimes want to tell people, "You know, your scare tactics, strongarming, guilt-mongering, and judgemental comments are no better than what the big drug companies do." But I hold my peace, because at the end of the day, there's one thing that I know for an absolute, irrefutable fact.

I love my child deeply, dearly, and completely, and am doing the best I can for her.

No one's comments can take that fact away from me.

Don't let anyone's comments take that away from you. Let your love give you peace. And know that you're accepted. Remember, those who speak the loudest and most often aren't necessarily representative of everyone. And in this case, I can say for sure... they're not representative of me.

Hang in there. Love your child. Do your best. That's all anyone can fairly ask of you. Let their inability to relate to your situation go where it belongs... right back to them.
post #57 of 81
Quote:
Originally Posted by Amris View Post
I sometimes want to tell people, "You know, your scare tactics, strongarming, guilt-mongering, and judgemental comments are no better than what the big drug companies do."
Exactly. It's called bullying, if you really wanna get down to it. Psychological bullying.

I loved whomever had in their sigline, "judgement and snark are not activism." Hear, hear.
post #58 of 81
I don't have a SN child either, but wanted to send some mama love to you. I sometimes feel like this too...in just asking a question about diapers. The article in this issue of Mothering that discusses Mother-Guilt is just what you've hit on.

WE all need to give each other some space to make the decisions that are right for us in the moment, no matter what the reason.

Much love to you
Good luck
post #59 of 81
I can't tell you how many therapists have suggested dozens of ways to make things easier ie: getting dressed and out of the door. But what you described is our situation and has been for years!!! I don't even want to mention how much my dd goes to bed IN her dayclothes as I either can't handle the fight to change her again for nighttime OR we have had a great day and I don't want to spoil it with a fight over pajamas!!! I have learned to just let some things go. No matter what people think.


"Ditto this whole post. If most other MDC mamas were to peek into my day there's a good chance they would be horrified by what they saw. Just because they don't understand what it's like to live in my shoes. Take for example- getting ready to leave the house. Yeah, MDC moms say all the time to give plenty of warning, let the child choose what to wear, let the child help get dressed, blah blah blah. But none of that actually WORKS for Owen. What does work is gathering everything I'm going to need, holding him down and wrestling with him while dressing him. By the end he's screaming, I'm worn out and on the verge of tears, but he's dressed. Success! Repeat in 12 hours when it's time for bed I think a lot of people get into the mindset that it worked for them so surely it will work for everyone."
post #60 of 81
[QUOTE=kchoffmann;6943501]I'm very much with you on this. But also want to say, this became true for me just becoming a parent, SN or not. I have friends with only typically developing children who agree. When you have children, you learn that everything is not just about you and your opinions and ideals. It's about this separate little person who has his/her own will and unique needs. I think if a person remains so judgmental of other people's parenting choices after having children, it's a character flaw, plain and simple. QUOTE]

Unfortunatley, I was one of those people who didn't "get" it until my son was born with a congenital heart defect and required awful medications to keep him alive until they could do open heart surgery at 5 months old when he started to fail to thrive. Both my cardiologist and pediatrician were very supportive of breastfeeding, but because ds kept falling asleep while feeding (it was so much work to eat), they finally both agreed that I needed to supplement with a souped up formula. He weighed 7.4 lbs at birth and He only weighed 8 lbs at 5 months. Because he was high risk for complications after surgery and beyond, we were encouraged to consider selective vax'ing. It was all done with love and respect for our parenting choice, but also keeping the health of my compromised child in mind. Wouldn't it be nice if others could offer support that way all the time?

And you know what? He's alive and healthy today. You do what you have to do. It wasn't like I just said, well, let's throw everything in the trash and forget about everything natural and attached.....I just had to let some things go for a little bit. I don't think it makes me less committed to NFL.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Foobar View Post
To the OP:

When your child "doesn't fit the mold", people just don't understand.
And what's worse is that some people don't want to understand.
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